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I had no choice, but to be strong,

I had no hope, but to be strong.

I had no strength, but I had to be strong,

I had no one, but I had to be strong.- W.

Chapter Thirteen

Lost Again

Maahirah Furqaan

22nd January.

I have started to have vivid dreams again which I remember from my childhood. They are strange and they keep gliding in my mind like a kaleidoscope. I can't shake it off. I can't let it erase me. I wish for the earth to burst in flames. I wish to be destroyed. But these nightmares kill me, and yet I'm alive, breathing, screaming and being a zombie.

Not dead, yet wishing to be.

I had a dream last night, that I was stranded in the middle of nowhere. I was running on an empty road in the middle of the night. All around me just roads, in grey and black. And, suddenly, there is an explosion. The roads crack in the center sending me somersaulting through the air. When I hit the unsurfaced road, the impact makes me scream. The earth continues to tear and just when the fissure reaches me, a hand breaks through the ground. I shield my face with my hands as the asphalt and concrete rain over me.

My voice dies in my throat, when the hand reaches out to me, and grabs my ankle. I try to shake it off, but it had an iron grip. The sky rumbled as the clouds gathered together to send jolts of lightning. I pry the hand off with my other leg. Instead, onto my right the lightning transforms into human. A human full of light. A human that grasps me and lifts me up, away from that hand. I turn to face them, and I'm met with a smile. A smile that looks so familiar. A smile that makes me scream.

A smile that resembles my mother.

Birthmother.

"Maahirah," Ellie slaps me on my arm. "You okay?"

I take a deep breath, shocked to find myself still breathing after that terrifying remembrance. Why can't I go into emotional shock? That will make my brain freeze, and eventually kill me.

"I'm fine. Why isn't the substitute here?" I ask her.

"Mr.Andrews announced that the substitute won't be coming anymore. Because Mr.Brackson arranged a permanent teacher for us." She tells.

"For Biology?"

"Yeah, genius. Mr. Brackson won't be joining us. I'll miss that old chap." She sighs.

I close my eyes. Of course, he won't be joining. He has new responsibility now. Guiding the people of Elton, since now he is their leader.

Silence falls around me as the new teacher rushes in ten minutes late. Ellie squeezes my hand which can only mean one thing. She finds him attractive.

When he looks up from his desk, my eyes widen too. He is tall, clad in white vintage shirt, a bow tie, and a brown tailored trouser with braces straps. His brown hair styled in the most nerdy way you can ever imagine, and plus them glasses. Even though, he is a complete geek, he is young and handsome.

"Hello, class." He speaks in Geordie accent. "I'm your new biology teacher. My name is Will....Robert. You got any question for me? Or shall we precede?" He pauses and immediately hands shoot in the air. He dances on his toes, looking at the students. "Well, okay, then. Ask away." He smiles. The left side of his cheek deeps in and a dimple forms.

He rounds the table and stand in the middle of the class, leaning against the side of the desk. He folds his arms around his broad torso.

I frown. Why is he so familiar?

"Sir, are you single?" Someone from the back ask.

He thinks for a while, and then says. "It's complicated."

"What do you mean by that?"

"A mystery. Next?"

"Sir, what did you major in?" A guy.

"In Marine Biology from Oxford University."

"You're from the UK? Have you been to England?" My UK-obsessed friend, Ellie gapes at him.

"Of course," He narrows his eyes at her, wondering what stupid question was this.

"Maahirah is half British and half American. She has both nationalities too." Ellie continues the blabber.

What even?

I kick her in her shin. She winces.

Mr.Roberts looks at me. His brown eyes softening when they lock onto mine. My heart gives a lurch in my heart.

No. I break the gaze. He snaps out of it to.

"Okay, class. Um, your substitute asked me to tell you this that your last pop-quiz overall result is below average. If you guys want to graduate from high school, you need to consider your grades. I'll start calling your names one by one, and you'll discuss your mistakes and blunders with me. Once done, you'll pick up your bag and exit the class. Comprehend?"

"Yes, Sir."

And, so he begins. He begins telling each and every student his mistakes. Ellie left 20 minutes ago. He wasted more than 15 minutes on individual that it makes me bore to this extent that voices in my head start getting louder. I can her scream. I can see her alive in my head. I can see her body.....Mum....

"Maahirah Furqaan?" He calls me out. I jump up; the book falls from my lap and clambers to the floor with a thud. My cheeks redden as I bend to pick it up and place it on the desk.

Mr. Roberts is busy analyzing my paper. Jack Samuels mouths: You okay? As he picks up his bag. I nod. He gives me a thumbs up, 'All the best.'

I manage to smile. When I reach to his desk, he says; "Impressive. Your test result is A-, the highest grade so far."

I stop at the corner of his table.

The door swings shut, announcing Jack's exit, leaving me sweating. Alone.

"Can I leave then?"

He takes off his glasses. "No, you cannot." He speaks now in Yorkshire accent. His own accent.

I stare at him. My blood boils in my veins. My heart dances in my ribcage. He reaches to touch me, I recoil back.

"What....what are you doing here?"

"Maahirah, for God's sake don't."

"Don't what? I knew it was you the minute you looked at me. What are you doing here?"

"Seeking you out." He throws his hand in the air. "I needed to see you for myself.  Mr. Brackson made it easy for me to join here then."

"Will Roberts? Nerdy glasses? Stupid style?" I flick my finger at him. "You ain't fooling anyone, Mr. Aayan Aslam." I retaliate.

"You blocked me out again. You need to talk about Aseer's death....."

I clap my hands over my ears. "I cannot hear you."

He takes three strides towards me and clasps his hands around mine and pulls them away from my ears. He tightens his hold on me. "Stop acting like this, Maahirah. You're gonna hurt yourself. You need to talk. It's real."

My back jabs into the desk behind me when I push him away. "You're an adult, you be an adult. Don't drag me into it. And, don't come any closer to me."

"Aseer wanted you to know that.....Maahirah? God, C'mon."

I leave him mid-sentence, throwing my books in my bag, and picking it up. When I brush past him, ignoring his pleas, he seizes me by arm, halting me in my step.

"Aayan, I do not want to talk about anything at all."

"You're falling into depression. I've been seeing you. You're falling into despair. You have become a walking zombie. Your mother wouldn't want to see you like this. She wanted to see you as brave human...."

I hit him with my bag on his chest. With each syllable, I punctuate with a blow. "She." Hit. "Is." Hit. "Dead." Hit. "Now." Hit. "Let." Hit. "Me." Hit. "Die." Hit. "Too." Hit.

Aayan latches onto my hands, and holds them down. He pulls me into him and without knowing I have started crying.

*****************

It has been five days since that rain fun and four days since Mum's death and first day after her death in here. Every day feels like it's suffocating me. To me, it seems like Mum is following me everywhere I go. She isn't happy with me this is what my inner voice tells me. She is disappointed me. She doesn't want to forgive me, because, once I got here;

I didn't call her.

I ignored her calls.

She texted me, I choose to read it and not reply.

I refused to go back. Because it terrified me.

I didn't do anything that she promised me to do.

And, then.

SHE. DIED.

WITH CANCER.

There is always this damn cancer that ruins everything. It tears family apart. It breaks heart. It makes you hate life. It sucks. Because CANCER sucks.

The night we reach Elton, Mum is beyond ecstatic to see me. She is tied to the stretcher. The heart monitor beeping her beats. An IV sticking to her both hands, fluids going in her body. Her hair in a loose bun, few locks sticking to her forehead. She is talking to Destiny who is sitting at her head. She is thin, fragile and damn weak.

She only notices me when I give out a gasp, and almost turn around, but Aayan places his palm on my back, hooking me to the ground.

"Maahirah Jaan," She coughs. "You're here." She tries to get up, but the exertion makes her cough harder and immediately Hope is at her side.

"Take it easy, Aseer."

"Of course, Doctor. Can you see my daughter is here to see me? Can you all not see?" She is laughing and smiling like a mad woman who just won a lottery.

"Mum," I kneel down by her bed. "Why did you do this to yourself?"

"I didn't. Allah (SWT) chose it for me," She takes my hand in hers, and I can feel the dryness, and the coarseness of her hand.

"You didn't take medicines?"

"I'm taking now."

"Of course...."

"I'm talking about you.....you're my strength. You keep me alive, breathing. You have turned out to be so beautiful; someone with a pure heart and someone with so much bravery. When I look at you, I hate.....myself for not watching you grow. I hate myself for walking out." Tears fall from her eyes. "I hate myself knowing that your step-mom groomed you so well, even though it was my responsibility."

"Mum, stop it. Please stop it." I kiss her hand. "You're here now. You've to fight for me, will you? You will right?"

Mum presses her lips. "Maahirah, I'll." She pauses, taking few deep breaths. "Will you promise me something else in return?"

I nod.

"Convey your dad this message that I've loved him and I've loved him only. And, it hurts me to know this that someone else shared him and you. But, I'm happy to know this that he married and got on with his life, and didn't hang up like I did. Tell him, my heart will always be his and that I missed him with every breath. Ask him to forgive or my soul will never rest in peace. You will?"

"You tell him yourself, Mum." I sniff.

"Will you promise? Tell me you will apprise him? Maahirah?" Her eyes bulge out as if she's scared I won't obey her. "You will?" She repeats on like a child, squeezing my hand.

Someone presses my shoulder, urging me to promise her. And, so I nod.

Mum is heavy on morphine and within seconds she is dozed off.

Next day, when I return to the ELTON LOCAL HOSPITAL, outside her room, I do not hear the deafening 'beep-beep' of the heart monitor instead I'm met by silence and sobs. My heart thuds and bile rushes to my throat. I push the door open to find Hope covering a body with a white sheet.

I scream and rush in. Pushing her away, I lift the sheet off of her face. There she's. My mum. Eyes closed. Smiling. Pain-free.

"MUM." I shake her. "WAKE UP. MUM." I place my finger under her eyes and stretch her skin, hoping for eyes to open. "C'MON MUM, YOU SAID YOU'LL FIGHT. GET UP. GET UP. MUM. PLEASE, JUST WAKE UP." I rattle her again. "MUM. PLEASE." I'm screaming and someone is screaming my name and I'm screaming at Mum.

Then, I'm lifted off from the floor. Away from her. Outside the room. Aayan backs me against the wall, and locks me in by placing his hands on either side of my head.

"Get a grip, love."

"She's gone, Aayan. She said she will fight. For me. Then, why didn't she? Aayan, why did you bring here? I've to wake her up." I duck under his arms. He drags me back to him.

"Maahirah....."

"DON'T YOU GET IT, AAYAN? SHE IS WAITING FOR ME." I cry out. "LET ME GO!"

"Maahirah," Aayan hauls me into him. He digs my head into his torso. "Be strong. She wants you to be brave." His voice breaks.

"Aayan," I sniff, pulling back. "She hates me, huh? She hates me so much."

"No, no, she doesn't." He touches my forehead. "She was proud of you. "

"She died. But she died." I sob.

"Sssshhh!" He jerks me into him.

So, my birth-mother died on 19th January.

*******************

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