- 30 -

"We're sorry. The person you are trying to reach is not available at this time. Please leave a message at the—"

I hung up, staring at my home screen staring back at me. It was of Noah and I on the dark ride at Six Flags, his smile shining brighter than the sun that day. Bright enough to burn my eyes and make them water. I blinked the regret away. It wasn't going to do any good to cry about it like a little girl.

Dustin was asleep in my bed, having been keeping me company so I didn't drink myself to the point of drowning on my own vomit in my sleep. I appreciated it, I really did, but it was suffocating. Even Joey was breathing down my neck, surely to make sure I was okay enough to finish the tour. I wasn't down that bad. I was just wallowing.

It was hard enough to let go of something good, but to have no idea if he was okay? I was this close to sending someone from my crew to go check on him.

Dustin stirred awake beside me. "What time is it?" he grumbled into his pillow.

"About nine," I said absently, still staring at my phone as if he'd suddenly change his mind and return my call.

"Man, go back to sleep."

I wished I could. My mind rendered me restless for the last week. Noah hadn't spoken to be since the day I beat the lights out of David MacNeil. He was fine, by the way. Just a broken nose and mild lacerations, and he only passed out from the pain, from what I heard from Joey. Not that I gave a shit. He deserved worse.

And according to the police that spoke to me that day, though I was too focused on Noah who was sitting on the curb waiting for a car to pick him up after he collected his things from the bus, MacNeil was pressing charges. I wasn't arrested, thanks to my name and occupation. But I'd have to go to court, apparently, which didn't concern me. So long as tour was over, I'd just plead guilty to aggravated assault, or whatever, and receive a slap on the wrist. Or so Harriet and Joey assured me.

What I didn't understand was what Noah was so upset about. He hated him too, I thought. The very sight of the man sent him down a spiral that I'd never understand, so why was he so angry with me? I did it for him. It was all for him. Dustin tried to talk to me about it, to try to get me to see it from Noah's perspective, but I didn't want to hear it from him. I wanted it from Noah's mouth.

That was the worst part of this whole situation. He was the one I wanted to talk to about it. I wanted to tell him what I felt in that moment, what made me snap. To explain why.

I put on a smile and performed my heart out, but there wasn't very much heart to begin with. The posts on Twitter were observant enough, noticing Noah's absence after the incident—which turned out to be viral news still—and my lack of enthusiasm for every song except Noah's song. During that one, I'd glance over toward the sidelines and hope he'd be standing there, hearing every word and understanding that I meant them. That I loved him. That I'd do anything for him.

Why didn't he understand?

"Can we get breakfast?" Dustin groaned, starting to sit up even though I knew he'd rather be asleep. He was only awake for my sake.

I sighed. "I'll order something. Go back to sleep. I'll wake you up when it's here."

Dustin patted my leg, mumbled something about how I was the best, and fell back to sleep. I got up and went out to the living space. It felt emptier without Noah and Chester here. Hell, I even missed the fat cat.

Stepping outside, I was displeased to be met with the hottest, brightest sunlight. It was putting a damper on my bad mood. I fumbled with my pack of cigarettes which I hadn't relied on very much in the past few months. The nicotine busied my mind, giving me enough of a head rush that I leaned back on the hot metal of the bus and forgot about what I was sad about for a second. But then my phone pinged, and I checked it, and it wasn't Noah, and I was sad again.

"Hey, stranger."

I glanced up. Kailey approached me carefully as if she were walking on eggshells, surely for dramatic effect. Her black Crocs stopped in front of my feet that were only covered in mismatched socks. I rolled my eyes. "Hi," I muttered, dragging a long hit from my cigarette.

She nudged my foot with hers. "Any word?"

I just shook my head, blowing the smoke in her face. I watched her scrunch up her nose and fall back. While I didn't mean to treat people shittier when I was in a bad state, it just sort of happened. Maybe they'd learn to get off my ass. I was a lonely coper. My privacy and independence were crucial when I was dealing with my own shit, but other people didn't seem to understand that.

"Well, maybe he'll meet with you after tonight. With the tour being over and all," Kailey suggested, trying to make me feel better but failing. "He could just be hiding from the public eye again."

"That doesn't mean he can't answer his phone."

Kailey squinted at me. "Are y'all dating, or what?"

Way to stab me in the heart and twist. I sighed and hit my cig again, purposefully ignoring the question. Like it wasn't obvious by the fact that he was ignoring me? She moved to stand beside me and lean against the bus as well. We stared into the wooded area opposite of the bus's multi-spot parking. Would it be so bad if I ran amongst the trees and never looked back?

"Well. If you decide you want to stop being a dickhead, drinks on me tonight," Kailey said, nudged my arm, and then started to walk away. She'd only made it a few steps before she turned on her heel, catching my eye. "If it's any consolation, that piece of shit had it coming."

I cracked a smile. "Thanks."

When she was gone and I had smoked three consecutive cigarettes, I climbed back on the bus. I had hours to kill before I was due for soundcheck, so I relaxed on the couch to order breakfast for Dustin and distract myself with mindless video games. Lounging around on the bus didn't seem as fun anymore without Noah. I found comfort in doing absolutely nothing with someone who didn't mind it in the slightest.

My phone rang, obviously not Noah. It was Joey. I denied it because the notification was in the way of ordering food. But he was persistent as usual and kept calling back every time I hung up. With a dramatic sigh and half a mind to chuck the damn phone out the window, I answered.

"What?" I snapped.

"You haven't heard from Russo, have you?"

"No, asshole," I muttered. Joey cursed under his breath and I heard him say something illegible to someone else. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up and I bit my lip. "Why? What's wrong?"

He didn't say anything right away. It was making me really nervous.

"What, Joey?!"

His silence was loud. I trembled at the thought of something possibly happening to Noah. What if everything that happened was too much for him? What if he relapsed and took it too far this time? My heart sank as I imagined finding out that he . . . No. I couldn't think like that. Especially knowing it would be all my fault.

Joey sighed. "There's a video going around. A sex tape. It's not clear enough to know for sure and it's from behind, but it looks a lot like Russo. I asked Harriet to take a look into it with our team to see if there was anything we could do and start creating a plan to clear his name as soon as we can."

I hung up the phone and immediately dialed Noah. It rang and rang until the voicemail tone taunted me for the millionth time. I didn't want to clog his voicemail so I hadn't left many messages once he started ignoring me. But this time I needed him to hear me.

"Hi, uh, please call me back. Or just text me. I need to know you're okay and not OD'd in your room or something. So please, please just let me know that you're okay. I know you hate me right now. I get it, but that's not what this is about. Please just call me back. Okay, bye. I . . ." A sob broke me, choking the words from my throat as I said them, "I fucking love you, Noah."

After that, I took it upon myself to search his name into the Twitter search bar. Just to see. I needed to know if people really believed it was him in the video, or if there was a chance at saving his reputation here. Things were going well for him. He even said he wanted to work again, but if the world was turning against him before our very eyes, he'd bury himself again.

His name was practically trending. From what I could tell, there were a lot of people that didn't believe it was him. Some people were taking photos of Noah from years ago and comparing it side-by-side with screen caps from the video, but I scrolled past them. I didn't want to see my Noah in any form that he wouldn't want me to. There were some disgusting, very nasty remarks about him as if they believed without a doubt that it was him. Then there were keyboard warriors, many with my name in their handles, defending Noah wholeheartedly. I liked a few Tweets, hoping it'd distract from the negativity if people saw me on the right side of the debates.

mrsthorne22: Leave NoahRusso alone. That's clearly just some at-home Porno. Just cuz they have the same hair color doesn't mean it's him.

CloseTheDoor: Noah Russo is gay? Gross.

theothornebush: this is just sad

GioLeopaldi: I guess little Noah was tired of being a has-been and turned to alternative methods of staying relevant. Watch my latest video . . .

I was going to rip that ugly ass gossiper's face off the next time I saw him at a party. Then again, maybe I wouldn't. Considering it was my short temper that got us into this mess in the first place.

Tossing my phone on the couch and unintentionally abandoning the breakfast I was going to order for Dustin, I hung my head in my hands and took a deep breath. It was all my fault. MacNeil threatened him and Noah was willing to cover for me to prevent this from happening, but I couldn't just sit back and let him take that. It was just unfortunate that MacNeil stuck by his threats.

For the rest of the time before soundcheck, I was pacing back and forth from one end of the bus to the other, and then outside between the bus and the trees. I kept calling Joey and Harriet to ask a million questions. It did warm my heart a bit to know that even though Noah wasn't signed on with Joey's management, he was still protected by default. Maybe that had more to do with our relationship that Joey knew about now. Whatever was being said about Noah was reflected onto me, especially if our relationship were to be outed as well. God forbid.

My phone vibrated in my pocket just as I was standing on stage while they set up the mics. I checked it and breathed a sigh of relief.

Noah Russo
5:49PM

[ I'm fine ]

[ can u come over after ur show? ]

I had have a mind to cancel the show and leave right that second. Joey would probably kill me. If Noah was willing to see me, I would be there as soon as time permitted. Without a second thought, I told him I'd be there and immediately felt lighter on my feet.

It was my last show. I needed to do everything I could to separate my work with my personal problems. Maybe things would be okay after we met up tonight and that was the positive thinking I needed to run with to get through this show. Dustin hyped me up the best he could. He knew what was bothering me even though we hadn't talked about it. That was why he was my best friend.

The show went as well as it could. I relied heavily on my band's presence and Dustin's guest appearances for Noah's song and Leave it to Me. All of the riffing and jokes on stage were usually initiated by something I saw in the crowd or something someone threw on stage, so thankfully I didn't need to try too hard to entertain. We played three extra songs than usual just to top off the tour with a bang. And then when we were done, we came back out to do a cover for an encore.

I didn't waste any time. I showered and changed on the bus, told Dustin I was going to see Noah and I'd meet up with him tomorrow, and Joey got me a car. Travis, my lovely assistant, would bring me my things from the bus in the morning.

On the way there, I bit my nails until I hit skin. Was he going to end things? That wasn't important. I just wanted to hold him, to make sure he wouldn't take this and run with it down a dark path. He needed to know that he was loved and there were people actively trying to fix this situation for him. At the very least, I just wanted to be there with him. He shouldn't be alone at a time like this.

The drive wasn't far but it felt a lot longer because of traffic. I texted Noah that I was on my way and he replied quickly, saying he'd leave the door open for me. I didn't like that, but at least he was up and moving instead of holing himself up in his bed. Kailey texted me, asking if I was going to join them for drinks so I filled her in on what was going on. She answered cheerfully. I think she was our biggest fan.

My driver pulled up outside of Noah's house and I paused, staring at the small house that held my lover's life. It was a bit daunting to know that those walls had seen every tear shed, every moment of weakness, every smile and moment of horror. I'd soon stand between those walls and try to ignore that fact.

"I think this is it, Mr. Thorne."

I looked up. My driver—just a random rental employee—was clueless as to what was going through my head. I nodded, gathering my phone and courage and getting out of the car. When I got to the door, I thought about knocking anyway so I didn't catch him off guard or anything. But I persevered, turning the knob and holding my breath and peering into the home.

It was dark, but clean. Straight ahead of me, a thoughtfully designed living room hid in the shadows with a 70s-style conversation pit and a large TV mounted over a white brick fireplace, surely for decoration since the weather never called for it in the winter. I closed the door behind me and squinted into the dark house. There were wall-to-wall windows on the backside, completely blackened by light-blocking pull shades. To the left of the living room, I noticed as I ventured deeper into the house, there was a modern kitchen appearing unused and pristine.

"Noah . . ." I called into the house.

There was a pitter-patter to my right. I looked down and found Chester almost to my feet, slipping on the tiles and nearly crashing into my ankle. He sniffed my shoes curiously before rubbing on me, saving me with a familiar sense of warmth.

Not far behind him, Noah walked out from the same direction. I felt my heart shatter in my chest. He looked so restless, so sad. A black hoodie was over his top, covering his hair and almost his eyes. He wore no pants, just his underwear, and a pair of cow print slippers on his feet. He looked so small. Too small to have to deal with what he'd been dealing with.

"Hi," I whispered into the quiet.

"Hi," he whispered back.

I took a step toward him, careful not to push his boundaries. This wasn't a run-up-and-kiss-him kind of moment and I knew that. He crossed his arms over his chest, as if he were trying to sink deeper into the hoodie that was swallowing him as it was.

His voice was small and broke at the end. "Did you watch it?" Oh, Noah.

"No," I shook my head. "So it is you?"

Noah didn't say anything, just nodded, eyes falling to the floor. I couldn't stop myself this time. My hands found his shoulders and I pulled him into my chest, enveloping him into an embrace in which he could feel safe if he wanted. If he could.

His own arms circled around my waist. Noah didn't make a sound, but I could feel his body shake as he cried. I cupped the back of his head and tightened my grip, holding him to my shoulder so he knew I wouldn't change my mind. He could hold me, cry on me, scream at me, fight me. It didn't matter.

For as long as he wanted me, I was his.