- 24 -

My parents split up when I was ten and Lina was six. It was messy and brutal and sent both of them spiraling one way or another.

Dad was never very affectionate. The closest form of showing his love for Lina and I were drunken admissions of guilt, claiming he should have been around more when we were younger. I agreed wholeheartedly; he should've been. But those wounds were old and scarred by now.

And Mom . . . well. She was diagnosed with BPD about five years ago and things have gotten significantly worse with her. Since I lived across the country, Lina had to deal with the brunt of her disease. She said Mom would disappear off the face of the earth for a few months and then just appear at her job with a new boyfriend and a business idea. Then Lina would have to break it to her that it was a terrible idea and not to ask me for funding for it. It was always either manic episodes or depression pits with my mom. She never took her meds as promised, so Lina was at her wits end.

I didn't talk to either of my parents much. Dad wasn't worth my breath half the time and Mom was unavailable the other half—physically and mentally.

But when I was in town, I made an effort to give her a visit to remind her I was still doing okay. I had a soft spot for my mother. She wasn't always like this, or so I thought. Looking back, the signs were there and she was better at masking the disarray of her brain.

Noah always liked my mom because she treated him like one of her own when we were young. I now knew it was actually because his own kin never had his best interests in mind. His mom would let him get abused by a stranger for a paycheck rather than protect him. At the very least, though she had her faults, my mom would catch a murder charge for me.

Especially when she was manic.

Her hair was longer than the last time I saw her. Grey streaks had started at the roots, cascading the fraying brown that Lina inherited from her. I nearly didn't recognize her when she opened the door.

But her face lit up the way it always did when she saw me. The days between each visit grew larger in number every time I left. Her big hazel eyes crinkled at the sides, pink stained lips spreading into a warm, familiar smile.

"Theodore," she cried before pulling me into an embrace. My eyes instantly closed when I caught her smell, the smell that raised me and surrounded me since birth. "My baby."

I hugged her for I don't know how long with Noah lingering behind me on the front porch step. Her tears dampened my T-shirt, sinking into my skin like drops of home. Mom laughed into my chest like she always did when she thought her emotion was an affect of her mental illness, but it wasn't this time. This was raw and real; the pain of missing me and the art of filling a deep hole carved from a long term absence. I let her think otherwise.

She pulled away and wiped at her eyes, her dark eyeliner that she never seemed to let go of since the nineties smudging at the corners. "Sorry, I'm a bit emotional," she said as I stepped aside to give her a view of Noah. Her eyes widened and filled with tears once again, arms widening for Noah to step into. He melted into her touch just as I did. "My God, look at you!" Mom held his shoulders as she craned her neck back to inspect him closely.

"It's really great to see you, Ms. Bauer," Noah said and she swooned, pinching his cheek. If I wasn't still upset with him, I'd have found the whole thing endearing.

"Come on in," she said, swinging the door open wider for us to enter. "I was just about to start fixing lunch. Are you hungry?"

I could eat. Noah hadn't gotten breakfast since he hurried to shower and come with me right after his hike. He fell into conversation with my mom about remembering how much he loved her cooking back in the day. Much like when he seemed to lock into place with Lina, I just shuffled behind the two of them as they made their way to the kitchen.

Mom must have been doing okay recently. The house was in good shape and she didn't look very tired.

"Theo, baby, have you heard from your father?"

"Not yet," I said with a shake of my head. "He's apparently going to be at my show, though, so I will soon enough."

Mom narrowed her eyes as she circled the island to return to the pasta salad she was preparing. I took a seat in one of the stools and Noah followed, his hands clasped together politely on the counter top. "If he's going to be there, then I should just stay home," she muttered, her tone switching just like that. I frowned, leaning forward with my chin in my palm. "I wouldn't want to cause a scene at your show."

"Trust me, I'd rather you be there than Dad, but Lina already invited him. Please come," I said, shoulders sagging just a bit. "We're here for two weeks. What should we do while we're here? It's Noah's first time in St. Louis."

"You could take him to Forest Park and see the art museum," she suggested, but that sounded very boring. I shrugged, not really keen on the idea of spending any quality time with Noah at the moment. Maybe we could make up in the next few days, but I still wanted some distance from him.

Knowing now that my feelings were doomed to stay unrequited, realizing I was in love with him was a hard pill to swallow. I couldn't look him in the eye in fear of him seeing right through me—seeing the truth to my affection and physicality. Noah wasn't stupid and he knew what he did to me, but he didn't seem to think it bad enough to stop. Maybe I was asking for it. It could be karma coming back for all the times women fell in love with me and I brushed them under the rug like they weren't worth more than a fuck or two.

Either way, this hurt was one I wasn't fond of.

"I'm happy just to hang out with you, Ms. Bauer," Noah said, charming as ever.

Mom sputtered over her words dramatically, feigning bashfulness. I watched the two of them as they talked, feeling a warmth in my cheeks that I truly couldn't distinguish the reason for. Noah was buttering her up still and Mom was eating it up.

Suddenly, my mouth was moving and words were coming out.

The room went silent. I clamped my lips together and held them, feeling miniscule under the two pairs of surprised eyes on me. Mom glanced at Noah, then back at me. Noah had a disappointed look on his face, though I didn't know why. All I knew was that what I had just said were out there now. I couldn't take them back.

"I'm bisexual."

Mom pursed her lips. "What?"

I looked at Noah in hopes that he'd save me, but he just dropped his hands in his lap and waited for me to try to backtrack. "I—uh . . . yeah. I'm bisexual and I don't know why I just said it like that but—" I scratched the back of my neck.

Well, if I was going to ruin this family reunion one way or another, I might as well get a head start.

"You're . . . bisexual," Mom said plainly.

"Yes."

"Uh, cool?" she said, raising an eyebrow at me. "Should I make a cake?"

I blanched. Noah muffled a laugh into his hand. Mom shrugged and went on cutting the cucumber she was working on before my grand announcement. "That's all I get?" I asked, feeling a bit underwhelmed. She was supposed to freak out or hug me or tell me she loves me no matter what or something, right? Or maybe she was supposed to be disappointed and kick me out of her house. Not give me some half-ass sarcastic comment.

"Well, what do you want me to say? I've known you were something all your life," she said, barely looking up from her cutting board. Like that was a completely normal thing to say. When I didn't respond, she looked up and raised her hands in defense. "Come on, Theo. You think I didn't know you had a crush on Noah for, like, forever when you were kids?"

"WHAT?"

At this point, even Noah's amusement subsided as he waited for some kind of explanation. I gawked at her, looking at Noah like she was batshit crazy. I only started developing an attraction towards him this fucking year! What did she mean forever?

Mom giggled to herself. "You were so obsessed with him, it was so cute!"

Obsessed. There was that word again. I shifted in my seat and avoided looking at Noah this time even though I could feel his gaze burning the side of my head. "I was not."

"Theodore, please," she snickered. "A mother knows when her son is smitten. Just like I know right now."

I stood up from my seat with a start. My chest was beginning to rise and fall at an unusual pattern and I left the room, feeling a bit claustrophobic. Mom kept laughing, clearly not as keen on picking up on my discomfort as she was my feelings for Noah. I couldn't deal with that. Of all the places I thought I'd be safe from talking about my relationship—or lack thereof—with Noah, this was the holy temple.

The living room was just how I remembered it, with a big, comfy couch and framed photos scattered over every surface, but not the walls. Mom didn't trust herself with a hammer, so she stuck with the bare minimum of decorating. This was the house I bought my mom when I was finally comfortable enough with my finances that I could blow a ton at a time and not have to worry about the consequences.

"Theo?" I heard Noah from the other side of the room.

"Ugh, not now."

He approached me anyway. "I'm not freaked out, if that's what you're worried about. I think it's actually kind of cute."

I plopped down on the sofa and buried my face in my hands, letting out a deep breath. Mom was humming something in the kitchen, probably in an attempt to offer us some privacy behind the shield of her own voice. She was thoughtful like that, in her own weird way. Noah sat down adjacent to me on the extended part of the sectional. Our knees bumped each other when he settled.

"I'm just feeling overwhelmed, I think," I admitted, peeking through my fingers at his face. He didn't look empathetic, nor did he look bored. He was just listening. "Being home, seeing my mom, fighting with you—" I sucked air through my teeth, not meaning to let that one slip out. "It's just a lot."

Noah combed his fingers through my hair. "I didn't mean to sound like such an asshole earlier, alright? I . . . I don't want to fight with you, either. And I like what we have, you know? It's the one thing I haven't had to stress over in a long time," he said with a small sigh. I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes. "I'd like to keep trying out whatever we've got here. I just can't do crazy expectations."

I glanced at the kitchen doorway. "Alright."

"So are we good?" Noah asked, leaning closer to me. "If so, I'd like to steal a kiss before your mom catches us."

He was smiling, cute and alluring. I just nodded, never wanting to refuse my Noah of a kiss. And as he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, I wondered if he'd still kiss me if he knew that I was in love with him. If he knew that this wasn't just trying it out for me. That I was prepared to cross oceans for him, if he'd like me to.

Would he still kiss me,  or would he run for the fucking hills?

—

"You look really good in a hat, y'know?"

I glanced over at him. Lina's car rumbled on beneath us while the warm summer wind caressed our cheeks like a kiss. Noah was leaning against the door while staring at me. There was a certain glint in his eye, the upward curve of one side of his mouth, that told me he was hinting at something else.

"You think so?" I asked, adjusting the faded black hat by the rim.

"Mm, yeah. You look like an athlete."

We approached a red light and Noah leaned over to kiss me, his hand gripping my thigh for support. I kissed back with one eye checking the stoplight frequently, all tongue and spit and naughty little hums from Noah. When the light turned green, I pulled away and focused on driving instead of the way he drove me crazy.

He didn't lean back. Instead his hand that was on my thigh started sliding upward and I felt myself get excited in the pit of my stomach. Noah kissed my jaw chastely at the same time as he placed an open hand over my cock. I gasped and tried not to swerve the fucking car.

"You're so bad," I hissed, trying to push him away.

"Aw," he cooed while he kissed up my jaw and stopped near my ear, "maybe I should be punished."

My eyes widened and I almost slammed on the brakes as I came to a slow near Lina's turn. He leaned back against the door again and when I had a chance to look over, he was palming himself through his shorts with his legs open wide. My mouth watered at the sight, but I had to look away for the sake of safety.

"Oh, fuck," I mumbled to myself.

I pulled into Lina's driveway and when I could finally look at Noah, he had two fingers in his mouth while he sucked on them hard. His eyes drilled into mine and I felt my heart pound in my chest. He smiled innocently when he pulled his wet fingers out and I jumped him. My seatbelt tried to hold me back, but I won when I lunged over the center console to slam my lips onto his, feeling his equal enthusiasm when he moaned loudly in the small space of the car.

"Inside. Now."

He nodded and stumbled out of the car. Lina and Ryan had afternoon classes, so the house should be empty. I followed after him, feeling my stomach fluttering just thinking about the way he looked with his fingers in his mouth. The door was left unlocked for us, so as soon as we were on the other side of it, Noah's mouth was on mine.

My hands slid down his back and to his ass, giving it a solid squeeze. He leaned into me, his tongue sliding towards the back of mine before retreating back into his hot mouth. I took a leap of faith and bent down to grab him by the backs of his thighs, hoisting him up with his legs clinging to my waist.

"Je-sus," he sputtered past my lips followed by a groan as his arms linked around my neck. We kissed with his back to the door. Eventually I wandered, lips snagging against the skin of his neck while I headed towards his throat. "I want you."

Even though those were exactly the words I wanted to hear from him, they weren't in the proper context. I wanted him to want me for my love, not my dick. He had a hand around my heart and he squeezed harder and harder every time he said something like that.

"How do you want me, Russo?" I breathed.

He pulled his head back and met my eyes. I was brought back to when we first met up after years of a divide between us. How he couldn't meet my eyes and tensed when I wrapped my arm around him for a photo. Now we were entangled, our bodies reaching new heights of closeness by the day. I stared into those honey brown eyes, warm and sincere, and a shiver ran down my spine like clockwork.

"I want you on top of me, inside me, and all over me."

With all my strength, I pulled him closer and carried him daintily to the bedroom. I felt like I was in a dream, those words echoing in my head like a goddamn commercial jingle. I think I'd get them tattooed.

I heard him giggle when I dropped him onto the bed and he bounced ever-so-slightly. As I stood over him, I watched him lean back on his elbows and cock his head to the side. His lips were red and puffy, his eyes half-lidded in desire, and I could practically smell the lust all over him. In the front of his black gym shorts, I could see his anticipation in the shape of his cock on high alert.

"Noah . . ."

Why did I feel like I was about to confess? I took a deep, shaky breath in. Noah stared at me. My chest began to ache in a such a funny way—it was truly ridiculous to think I was setting myself up for humiliation. And I knew the consequences, but for some reason, I just needed to tell him that I love him.

My eyes closed and I kneeled over his body, trapping it on the bed. I pressed my forehead to his, hardly even thinking about kissing. I touched his hipbone, pressing my thumb against the jutted bone under skin, and took a deep breath. Noah held my bicep, sinking his nails into the skin hard enough to snap me out of the trance I was in. I couldn't fucking tell him. He'd pull away even harder and I couldn't let him.

The words were trapped in my mouth as I kissed him hungrily.