Chapter 20

He looked at me with his hand on the door handle, oh God please let this go ok! I felt sick with nerves, I could feel my hands shaking lightly. Ethan squeezed my hand reassuringly.

"I'm ok." I whispered.

He nodded and opened the door. Johnny was sitting on the sofa playing playstation, when the door opened he looked up and grinned happily. I quickly dropped Ethan's hand as Johnny jumped up.

"Hey babe." he chirped coming over leaning down to kiss me, I turned my head so he kissed my cheek instead of my mouth. He pulled back frowning, "Everything ok?" he asked looking at me curiously.

I shook my head, "Um no Johnny, I need to talk to you." I said my voice shaking slightly.

He gripped my hand looking at me worriedly as he pulled me into the lounge away from Ethan. "Ok what's up? Did something happen? Something wrong at college?" he asked sitting on the sofa again and reaching for my waist. I put my hand on his shoulder stopping him from pulling me down onto his lap.

Oh crap this is harder than I thought it would be. He was looking at me so concerned, and he was clean today which would make this even more painful because I loved him like this. He was such a nice guy when he was clean and I was about to break his heart.

"Johnny, I'm so sorry. Honestly I am so so sorry." I said feeling my eyes start to prickle with tears.

He pulled me down onto the sofa next to him. "What for?" he asked laughing nervously.

"I....I....Oh crap, I'm sorry Johnny.....I....I can't be with you anymore." I said swiping at the tears that fell down my face.

His mouth dropped open, his whole face fell. I felt my heart break a little at the sadness I saw on his face. Damn this hurt so much.

"What the hell are you talking about? Is this because of the stalker thing?" he asked looking at me so hurt it made my heart stutter slightly.

I shook my head, "No it's not the stalker thing Johnny." I whispered looking at him apologetically.

"It's the drugs right? I know I'm an asshole, you asked me to stop and I didn't. I'm sorry babe, please, I won't do it anymore, I'll get some help to stop. I promise I'll change." he said scooting closer to me on the sofa taking my hand, he had tears in his eyes.

"It's not the drugs either Johnny. I promise I never meant for this to happen, I never meant to hurt you ever, that's the last thing I ever wanted to do." I said, wiping the tear that fell down his face with my fingertip. "I owe you more than you know. You saved my life and you didn't even know it." I said trying not to break down in hysterical sobs.

He cupped my face in his hands, "Tell me what this is about Ali, please. Please tell me what I can do. What happened? Why? I don't understand, is it because the stalker guy wants to hurt you because of me? Because if it is I'm so sorry! But the cops will catch him soon, everything will be fine." he said pressing his forehead to mine closing his eyes.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I needed to do it, just say it. Just open your mouth and say it Ali, come on.

"I'm in love with someone else." I whispered.

He jerked away from me, "What?"

I nodded, "I'm sorry."

His whole body tensed up, I saw Ethan step forward from the corner of my eye. "You have got to be f*cking kidding me!" Johnny shouted jumping off of the sofa. "What the hell Ali? You can't love someone else! We're engaged." he shouted, his whole face going slightly red from anger.

"Johnny calm down." Ethan warned.

Johnny's head snapped round to him, "Calm f*cking down? My fiancée just told me she's leaving me for another guy! I think I have the right to be a little angry! Get the f*ck out anyway Ethan, this is between me and my girl, it's private." he said sneering at him his hands clenching into fists.

$hit he was crazy angry, please don't let him hurt Ethan! "Johnny." I said trying to get his attention from Ethan, I hated the way he was looking at him.

"Get out Ethan!" Johnny ordered nodding towards the door.

"No, this concerns me too." Ethan said taking my hand and making me stand up, he pulled me slightly behind him.

Understanding went across Johnny's face, his jaw tightened "No f*cking way!" he cried shaking his head, looking from me to Ethan for confirmation.

"I'm sorry this happened Johnny." Ethan said holding up his hands in a calming gesture signaling he didn't want to fight about it.

"You're sorry? You're sorry? You stole my girl and you think saying sorry covers it? You stupid little prick, I'll f*cking kill you!" Johnny shouted as he lunged for Ethan. Ethan twisted his body dodging Johnny's punch and at the same time he grabbed his waist and practically threw Johnny down onto the sofa.

"Be careful dickhead Lia's right there and if you hurt her I swear to you I'll rip your freaking head off!" Ethan growled stepping in front of me more as Johnny got back up off of the sofa. "Calm down." he said warningly.

Johnny looked at me, "Seriously? A f*cking bodyguard? You're leaving me for a f*cking bodyguard?" he said looking Ethan over as if he was a piece of trash.

"I've known Ethan a long time Johnny, we used to date when I was younger." I said looking at him apologetically. I could see he was hurting, under the anger he was devastated. He had always acted with anger first but I knew him too well, he was in a lot of pain. "It's not just someone I met recently, I've known him all my life." I said as if this would somehow make everything better.

"So you've been cheating on me this whole time?" he whispered, his face shocked, I could see he was trying not to cry.  

I shook my head fiercely, "No I promise! It happened yesterday but I've always loved him. I'm so sorry Johnny." I said stepping out from behind Ethan.

Ethan gripped my wrist stopping me from going over to Johnny, I looked at him and tried to pry his fingers off my arm nodding reassuringly. Ethan was looking at me pleadingly, he didn't want me anywhere near Johnny. I pushed his hand off of my arm seeing his jaw tense as I stepped away from him and wrapped my arms around Johnny.

He pressed his face into my shoulder, I could feel his chest shaking where he was crying. "I'm so sorry, you deserve someone who can love you with all of their heart Johnny. Someone that will make you happy everyday and appreciate you." I said gripping my hand into his hair.

He turned me away from Ethan so his body was between us. He pulled his face away from my shoulder, "You make me happy everyday. Please give me another chance Ali. I love you so much, please. I'll stop taking the drugs, I'll stop drinking. I'll do anything, please." he begged cupping my face lightly.

I could see in his eyes he meant it, he would stop the drug taking for me. He really would do anything and it made me feel even worse.

"It's not the drinking or drugs Johnny, I just can't love you enough because my heart belongs to Ethan, it always has." I shook my head.

"I'll give you anything you want, everything. Please don't do this, think of what I can give you Ali. Please think about it." he begged.

"I've never been with you for your money Johnny, possessions and fast cars have never interested me. I was with you for you, not for what you could give me." I said shaking my head willing him to understand.

"Don't do this." he whispered.

"I'm sorry, I love him Johnny. I need to be with him. I don't want you to hate me, I'll always love you too, and I'll always owe you for what you've done for me these last four years." I said honestly.

He waved his hand dismissively, "I've done nothing for you except disappoint and hurt you."

"Trust me Johnny, you've been the most important thing to me for the last four years and I'll always be grateful." I promised.

I stepped back and opened my purse pulling out the engagement ring he gave me. I held it out to him and he laugh humorlessly. "I don't want that, you keep it, it's yours."

"I can't Johnny." I said offering it to him again.

He shook his head, "Keep it or sell it, it's worth a lot of money. You could buy yourself something with it."

Jeez he is so adorable when he's clean. He sat down on the sofa and put his head in his hands looking defeated and so sad he was killing me.

I sat down next to him and put my arm around his waist. "I don't want you to hate me, I know you probably do right now and I deserve that, but I hope one day we can be friends." I said honestly.

He laughed, "I could never hate you Ali. As much as I want to hate you right now, I can't. I love you." he mumbled smiling sadly.

"You know, when you're clean like this you're one of the nicest guys I've ever met. You should be like this more often, you should get clean for yourself Johnny." I said wiping my face on the back of my hand.

"Yeah maybe." he said shrugging.

"I know you're hurting right now and I'm probably the last person you'd want to talk to or anything but if you do need to talk then call me ok." I said standing up.

"I don't think I'll call, maybe further down the line we could be friends but..." he trailed off shaking his head sadly.

I nodded, the thought of not seeing him again was awful. I loved him, but just not enough, not the way I should. I put the engagement ring down on the coffee table. "I truly am sorry." I said honestly.

He smiled sadly and nodded, "Me too."

I looked at Ethan who was just watching the whole exchange silently, his body was still alert in his overprotective stance, ready for trouble as usual. I nodded and he moved back so I could walk past him out of the door.

"Johnny, you'll have a new guard tomorrow morning." Ethan said.

"Yeah ok. Take care of that girl, never take her for granted." Johnny said putting his head back in his hands.

"I'll take care of her I promise, and I'm sorry too." Ethan said putting his hand on the small of my back and guiding me towards the door.

I didn't look at Ethan as I walked out of the house. Andrew stood up straighter as we walked out of the front door looking at us curiously. I couldn't talk about it so I headed over to Ethan's car and leant against it waiting while he spoke quietly to Andrew and Max. I didn't want to know what they were saying. I couldn't think about anything other than Johnny's devastated face and the tears that I put there.

I was such a bitch, I'm putting my happiness over his. I had always vowed to stay with Johnny and make him happy because of what he did for me. It didn't matter to me that he didn't make me completely happy or that I didn't love him enough. I would have stayed with him and tried my hardest to make him happy forever, his happiness was more important to me than mine. Funny how that changed as soon as Ethan came back, he turned me into some kind of selfish girl that put herself first even though I didn't even deserve to be happy.  

After a minute or so I heard things smashing inside the house, holy $hit what the hell is he doing? I pushed off of the car and ran towards the house to go and see if he was ok but Ethan grabbed me around the waist stopping me.

"No Lia, if he's angry you're not going anywhere near him." he said sternly.

"Ethan, I need to see if he's ok." I said struggling to get out of his hold as something else crashed inside the house. "Ethan let go!" I shouted trying to push him off of me.

"I'll go," Andrew said gripping my shoulder. "You two go home, I'll call you in a little while."            

Ethan forced me towards the car still struggling, Johnny wouldn't want Andrew there to check on him. He didn't even know him.

"Ethan please let me talk to him and see he's ok." I pleaded as he opened his car and blocked the way so I had nowhere else to go but in.

"Andrew's got it," he said shaking his head and moving my legs inside the car, "You can't go in there Lia, think of the baby, what if you got hurt by accident?" he said looking at me pleadingly.

He's right, the baby could get hurt, I nodded and he shut the door quickly and headed round to the drivers side. I didn't look at him as he started the car and pulled away, I put my forehead against the window watching the lights of the house get further and further away as silent tears fell down my face.

I knew I'd done the right thing but it's so hard to hurt someone you love and I'll never forgive myself for that. Ethan gripped my hand holding it tightly as he drove towards his, well our, apartment.

I pulled my cell phone out and called Chris. He answered almost immediately. "Hey Ali." he chirped. 

"Chris, I need you to go to Johnny's and make sure he's ok." I choked out around my sobs.

"What? What do you mean? Why wouldn't he be ok?" he asked sounding confused.

"We broke up." I mumbled.

He gasped, "Holy $hit, seriously?"

"Yeah, please go there and make sure he's ok." I asked pleadingly.

I heard him curse under his breath and him banging around in the background. "Yeah ok, I'll go there now. What happened? What did he do?" he asked.

I shook my head, "He didn't do anything, this is my fault. Just go look after him. Tell him I'm sorry." I said snapping my cell phone shut.

I couldn't talk anymore, I pressed the phone against my forehead. My head was pounding, I felt sick, I just needed this day to be over. Hopefully tomorrow when I woke up everything would look better and Ethan and I could start over.