Hi Carol. I know you're probably reading this because you read my last journal entry and then asked me questions about Maya. I didn't like that.

I feel like this journal is a good idea. I don't know if you got this idea from the Internet or from a friend or whatever, because I doubt you came up with it on your own, but I think it's good. It's good for me to write down my feelings like this.

I don't like the idea of you reading everything I write, and I don't care that you think you have the right to read my journal because you're my therapist. These are my private thoughts and you forcing me to hand this journal over to you at every single one of our meetings is rude. My mom has a lawyer, I'm sure I can get them involved.

So I don't want you reading my stuff anymore, okay Carol? Fuck you. This is supposed to be a place for my private thoughts but now I feel scared to put my private thoughts down in this journal because I know that my nosy therapist is going to read all of them. Fuck you Carol.

Anyway.

I woke up this morning and took my pills and then fell asleep for another 3 hours. The medication makes me drowsy, I keep telling my mom that but she doesn't listen. I woke up again and felt lost because the house was empty and my mom is usually home. Later I figured out that she was just at the store.

I made myself a sandwich and tried to watch TV for a while but ended up turning it off and falling asleep again.

Now here I am, Carol, I'm awake and I'm sitting here in my room writing in my journal because I have nothing else to do. I have nowhere to go and even if I did have anywhere to go I would probably have a miserable time so it's not even worth it. I could be doing some of my online classwork but that's boring and repetitive.

Update on the Maya situation: I haven't stopped thinking about her. I tried to find her at the hotel the morning after I met her but she was gone. I'm never going to see her again and that's okay, I guess. Sometimes I think that I never even met her in the first place, that maybe all of my medication finally went to my head and I hallucinated.

And whose fault is that, Carol?

My friend told me that he hallucinated once and it was really cool, but I don't think he hallucinated from medication prescribed to him by a doctor. I think he was smoking something.

I actually don't think I hallucinated Maya. I feel like she was way too real to be fake. I guess I'll never know, because I'm never going to see her again. I wish I wasn't so shy, then I might have made a move and at least asked for her number.

I don't even know if I'm interested in her in a boyfriend-girlfriend way, I'm just interested in her. I liked her stories and I liked the way that she made me feel like I was normal, she talked to me like I was an 18 year old boy and not like a 5 year old.

I think I need someone like that in my life, someone that just treats me like a normal person. My mom still acts like I'm a baby and you, Carol, talk to me like I'm a child and I have a friend but he is not very understanding at all. I just need someone that will treat me like I'm normal.

Hey Carol, how would you feel about me maybe writing all of my private thoughts in a word document on my laptop instead of in a journal? My hand always smudges the ink and it gets annoying. Also I keep falling asleep mid journal entry and getting stuff on my face. Let me know what you think.

-

am I ever going to tell you which boy this is about? probably not. it is someone from 5sos though I can tell you that.

who do you think it is?

ALSO IM SORRY THESE ARE ALL SO SHORT