Re-written Berica dorm talk from the end of SSR, *WARNING: CONTAINS SSR SPOILERS* Also, copyright disclaimer, the first part is directly from SSR, so I don't take credit for that, there'll be an author's note at the part I wrote myself. It's not the entire chapter, just their talk, but it carries over into the other part of their chat in the chapter after too. There will also be author's notes on some of the things, just my thoughts.

Ben's Dorm
Spy School
8:00 PM
April 17th

Ben's POV:
Eventually, fatigue won out and I passed out facedown at my desk.

I woke several hours later with the disturbing sensation that someone was in my room. 

I sat up quickly, fearing an assassin...

"It's only me," Erica said.

Since I was still at my desk, seated in the only chair in the room, she was sitting on my bed. If she was tired, she wasn't showing it. Instead, she looked like her usual, competent, perfectly composed self. And yet, I couldn't conceive of any possible reason she could be there that wasn't an emergency situation.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing," She said. "Well apart from a Colonial Era group of fanatics planning to overthrow our government. But that's not why I'm here."

"Then why...?"

"You never doubted me through all this. When other people did."

"Look I know you're upset with Zoe, but-"

"I'm not just talking about Zoe. I'm talking about everyone. The entire CIA. Possibly every other branch of the government too. And I'm not blaming them. I even understand why Zoe did what she did. I just don't like how she used you to do it. (Awwwee, and I literally don't care if she meant it to be sweet or not, it still is in my mind lol) But you... I fired a grenade at the room where you were supposed to be in at the CIA, and you still had faith in me."

"If I had been the one shooting at you, you would have faith in me."

"Not necessarily." (Um OWCH, like I get it, but that's still gotta hurt)

My jaw dropped slightly. "Really?"

Erica broke her gaze from mine. "Maybe. With anyone else, I would think the bad guys had gotten to them. That they were won over with money or power. It happens all the time. I would never have thought Joshua Hallal would have turned--- but then he did. So after that I thought anyone could be corrupted. And then you came along. You're the kind of person I thought Joshua was..." (One, awww I'm so sorry that happened to you Erica, and two, AWWEEE OMFG that's so adorable, whether it was intended or not)

"And you're still worried I might betray you someday."

Erica turned to face me again. There was a sadness in her eyes that I'd never really seen before. (No don't be saddd, Ben's here now and he's way better and won't hurt youuu) "You know when I was a kid, I used to feel bad about my sister."

"Because she got to have a normal life and you didn't?"

"No." Erica looked at me like I was crazy. (I literally love her reaction to his question lmao) "Who wants a normal life? I felt bad because I was being groomed to be a spy and she wasn't."

"Oh."

"Trixie will never get to stop an assassin--- or undercover a massive conspiracy to overthrow the government--- or prevent Antarctica from being melted and flooding the world. (*Ahem* or get to have Ben fall in love with her and make her trust him more than any non-family member, and fall in love with him) But now I realize there might be something good about her life."

"She'll never have people to try to kill her?"

"I said good. Not boring." (Her responses have me dead I swear lmao) Erica paused a moment, then said, "She won't ever have to worry about who she can trust. Or fear that her friends will become liabilities. Or run away from relationships because they're dangerous in this business." (Hmm... is this an implication for future books? Does it mean she's finally ready for a relationship or is willing to at least try? Or just that she wishes she could but couldn't? Guess we'll have to wait and find out) 

I didn't really know what to say to that. The only time Erica had ever opened up to me like this before was when she had been under the influence of truth serum. For a moment, I wondered if I was still asleep; this conversation seemed like something I might have dreamed.

Erica said, "According to my mother, the girls back at your old school today were flirting with you like crazy." (Looks like this was on her mind *smirk*, and it was clearly something she wanted to ask about teehee *wink wink*)

I felt myself turning red. "Back when I was in school with them they didn't even know I existed."

"And now they do. Mom says they were all really pretty."

"I'm not interested in any of those girls," I said. (Good answer Ben lol)

I wasn't sure, but I thought that, for the briefest moment, a small smile played across Erica's lips. Then she said, "Why not?" (She can 100% no longer deny that she really likes him lol)

"They're all too normal for me." (Idk if this was intended but that sounds so smooth lol like she'd just said 'Who wants a normal life?' and he's just like, yeah they're just too normal for me, if ykyk. Like that's almost the best way he could have said that in my opinion.)

Erica nodded at that. "Anyhow. I just wanted to thank you for having faith in me today. And to let you know I don't take that lightly." (Awwwee that's so sweeet!)

"Sure thing," I said. "And, for the record, I know you've always had faith in-"

I didn't get to finish the sentence, because Erica suddenly lunged at me. 

(Oop and this is where one chapter ends and the other begins in the real book)

I hate to admit it, but for a moment, I actually thought Erica was attacking me. I was still tired  and groggy, and it had been an extremely long day, during which I had to question the loyalty of my friends over and over. So when Erica sprang toward me, the idea crossed my mind that I'd gotten everything wrong and that she really was a Croatoan double agent, and that I was in serious trouble. 

But instead of kicking my butt... Erica hugged me. (PLOOOOOT TWIIIIST lol)

I probably would have been less surprised if she had attacked me. (AHAHA me too)

I wasn't sure if the hug was romantic or merely thankful, but I wasn't going to question it. Erica generally had the aura of someone who  would need an instruction manual for giving a hug, but she turned out to be quite good at it. (Not him casually flaming her a little lmao)

It ended far sooner than I hoped it would. After a few seconds, Erica released me and took a step back, looking slightly embarrassed about what she'd done.

"I've owed you that for a while," she said. (AHAHA Ben, tell her exactly how long please)

I looked at her blankly. Between the lack of sleep and the sudden hug, my brain wasn't functioning so well. (Not him forgetting she said she'd hug him in the principal's office forever ago, and her remembering bc she's secretly obsessed with him lol)

"Right after you came here," Erica explained. "On our first mission. We infiltrated the principal's office, and you couldn't remember a key piece of information, so I promised you a hug if you could remember it, and then you did." (Not her remembering every second of that moment lmao)

"That was four hundred and thirty days ago!" I exclaimed, then added quickly, "Not that I've been counting." (Thank you for saying that, and real smooth Ben, reeeal smooth)

Erica smiled, amused. "This seemed like an appropriate time to give it to you." (I'm like 99% sure she's grinning super widely in her head because he remembers all the little details and that he cares so much, but maybe that's just me) 

I thought about trying to explain that there had been lots of appropriate times to give me a hug over the last 430 days, but then decided that might seem thankless. And then I got distracted by the fact that, even though Erica was no longer hugging me, she was still standing somewhat close to me, so maybe what I should have been thinking about was kissing her. (And it was in this moment I knew I was way too involved and invested with this series, and that I do the same thing with everything else too, because I literally squealed reading this omg lol)

However, I didn't make a move right away,

I was confused, thinking that Erica might have changed her mind about dating me-- but I still wasn't 100% sure. And one thing you didn't want to do around Erica was make any sudden, unexpected movements. Not unless you wanted to find yourself curled in the fetal position on the floor, racked with pain. (Not me getting shivers and astronomically excited reading this)

So I just sat there, looking into her eyes, wondering if she wanted me to kiss her or not. (Ofc she does) And then I gathered my nerve, thinking, to heck with it, I'd kiss her anyhow.

(And here is where Chip barges in in the original, ruining the moment and making me consider torture and then painful murder, and where my changes begin. This goes way deeper, in terms of her opening up emotionally and being honest with him, so keep that in mind.)

I decided to hug her first, so she wouldn't be as off guard. The last thing I wanted to do was make her uncomfortable, startled, or scared. And I definitely didn't want her to feel unsafe around me. 

I noticed I'd gotten to the point where I was somehow a little bit taller than her, despite being two years younger, by like an inch or two. I also noticed her look at my lips for a brief second and then look away awkwardly, slightly embarrassed as soon as she realized I'd seen.

"Hey," I said softly, moving my head over so she'd look at me again.

"What?" She asked, just as quietly.

"I'm gonna hug you, so please don't kill me." I said with a hint of a teasing smile.

She nodded slightly, with a tiny smile that vanished as soon as it appeared, and I took this as an okay.

I pulled her in for a hug. She still froze a little, but undoubtedly a lot less since she'd known it was coming. After a couple seconds she hugged me back. She rested her head on my shoulder, and I did the same. Meanwhile, I couldn't help but smile. And of course, she knew I smiled.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Nothing," I whispered. "Just that you let me hug you. And you willingly hugged me back. And set your head on my shoulder."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did," I smirked.

She realized I was right and let go of me, so I felt it wise I do the same. 

But she didn't move away. So I took a couple steps forward. I looked directly into her eyes for a couple seconds. She looked confused as I slowly put my hand on the side of her face, leaned in, and kissed her.

She seemed startled, but didn't pull away. We kissed for a couple seconds, when she finally realized what was happening, and pulled away from me. 

I probably had the most ridiculous smile on my face, part amazed, part thrilled, and part confused. 

"You're grinning like an idiot Ben."

Guess that answers that question.

"Am I?" I joked.

"Yes. You are. And it's annoying. So stop it."

"I see." I said, still smiling.

She rolled her eyes at me, then sat on my bed silently. I walked over and sat next to her.

"What's wrong?" I asked after a while.

She didn't answer.

"Erica?" I tried to get her attention. "Erica are you okay?"

"I don't know." 

"Okay, then just tell me what's going through your head."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because. And I don't want to."

"Oh. Well that's very logical reasoning as to why not." I teased.

"Hilarious."

"I thought so." I smiled. "If you can't tell me what you're thinking, how can I help?"

"The thing is, you can't either way."

"Try me."

She looked like she was gonna say something, and then she hesitated.

"How about I tell you what I'm thinking if you can't tell me what you are?" I asked.

She looked at me and seemed very confused.

"Alright..."

"Okay. I'm thinking that you're really amazing."

She blushed the tiniest little bit but rolled her eyes and looked away to try to hide it.

"Hey, don't roll your eyes, I'm serious."

"Why do you like me?"

Even though I was well aware she obviously already knew, I still blushed and looked away.

"Why do you ask?"

"I'm not really sure." She said honestly. "I just don't get it I guess."

"Okay. Well... um everyone thinks I just like you just because you're absolutely, gorgeous and stunning, but you're so much more to me. I mean, for starters, you're really caring deep down. You try to hide it, but you're really sweet. You're very protective of those you care about even though you try to hide that too and act like you don't care. But there've been times when you let your guard down a little, and I got a glimpse of the real you. You're broken, so no one else knows any of this, because you're still too scared to show them. But with me, there have been a few times where you showed you trust me enough. I mean you trusted to let me see you laugh about your dad being a doofus. And you remembered my birthday before I did, even though I always know what time it is. Like sure, you manipulated me and tricked me into going to evil spy school, but you still saved me, and even dragged me with you into the ditch and curled around me when the missile hit. Or one of my favorites, you kissed me in Vail, and I got to hear you were jealous of Jessica hugging me and-"

"You what?"

"Huh?"

"I never told you I was jealous of her. Or said it when you were around."

My eyes widened and I realized I'd just spilled the tea that I'd overheard them.

"Uh... yeah you did, remember?" I lied.

"You heard me when I was talking to Zoe." She gasped slightly.

"I- noo... well maybe, okay, yeah I did. Alright, I wanted to talk to you, took out the earbud you'd slipped me, and started to try to get your attention, but I heard Zoe say girl talk, and I'd seen enough rom-coms with my sisters that I knew it often included guys. And I'm a guy. And I was curious. So... I listened." I smiled innocently.

"I can't believe y-"

"You've done a lot worse, so pardon me, but I don't regret it. You've always known I liked you, so you didn't have to try any way you could. I wasn't given that liberty, so I did what I did to try to figure out if you liked me."

"And what'd you figure out?"

"That you liked me at least a little. But that was after you kissed me."

"And what do you think now?" She asked curiously.

"I think you definitely like me, but are still kinda fighting yourself on it. Like you know you like me, but are still trying to come to terms with it."

She didn't respond.

"Alright, that's one thing, what else are you thinking?"

"I'm also thinking you're at least a little scared of me, or what I could do to you, though you probably won't admit it. You just said earlier you envied that Trixie didn't have to run from relationships. Personally, I only run from things unless I'm scared or playing a game like tag or something like that. So you're either scared of a relationship with me because Joshua betrayed you, so you assume I can or will, or you're playing tag with my feelings."

"I barely even know my own feelings. Care to explain how I could play emotion tag with yours?" She asked sarcastically.

"I don't need to, you just proved my point that the first one was correct."

"Or that there was a possibility you missed."

"Maybe. But I'm trying to be transparent with you, so could you tone down the sarcasm a little?Unless you don't want to know what I'm thinking?"

"Just tell me."

"I think you wanted me to kiss you when we were standing over there."

I paused, looking at her curiously.

She didn't say a word and wouldn't make eye contact with me.

"Or at least I wanted to kiss you."

"You did kiss me."

"I know." I smiled. 

"Why?" She asked, then added, "Why'd you kiss me I mean."

"Well, I clearly really like you. And you were close to me and staring into my eyes. And you'd just hugged me and then let me hug you. And put your head on my shoulder. So I decided to kiss you I guess."

She didn't say anything in response. 

My eyes widened as a thought struck me.

"Wait that was okay, right? I really didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything, I swear. Honestly, I really didn't-" I said quickly.

"It's fine Ben." She said softly.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Okay, when girls say they're fine they literally almost never mean it, you most definitely included. The amount of times you've told me you're fine when you were furious about something..."

"Well, I do mean it this time." She said. "It's really okay."

"Alright." I said shrugging.

After a little bit of silence and staring in front of us at my wall, she spoke.

"I like you."

My jaw dropped. I'd known this, but it was still majorly surprising that she actually admitted it out loud to me, and I was speechless.

She looked at me, but I was frozen. I finally looked at her, to see she was blushing a little, and I was very confused as to what was happening. She continued looking at me, expectantly, but I still could barely breathe, let alone speak.

"Dammit Ben, say something."

"I- uh... um..."

"I meant actual words."

"Oh uh..."

She gently slipped her hand into mine. I lifted my hand up, bringing hers with me and looked back and forth from our hands, to her, and back. My eyes were probably the size of basketballs and my mouth was probably wide open, as I was literally like in shock.

I could finally breathe again, but I was like hyperventilating.

"Seriously Ben, I just admitted something huge, and you haven't managed to say a single word in response."

"Sorry I'm just... really surprised."

"Why? You acted like you already knew."

"I did, but I never expected you to actually tell me."

"Well... I did. I'd say I'm as surprised as you, but based on your reaction I think you're a little more surprised." She teased.

"I just got told the girl who I've liked for a very long time likes me from her. Not to mention you have denied liking me almost every time I talked to you or anyone asked." I pointed out with a laugh. "I'm allowed to be surprised Erica."

"I know that. I just felt like I had to tell you."

"Any reason in particular?" I asked hopefully.

"I don't know."

My hopes sank a little. I'd hoped that meant she might be ready for a relationship, but I also knew I couldn't push her.

"Okay."

"I don't know Ben."

"I know, you just said that."

"I meant, I don't know if I'm ready to date yet."

Of course. Once again, Erica Hale had read my mind.

"I didn't read your mind Ben. I just knew based on the information you were just given and by the fact that you really like me, that was probably gonna be your next thought."

And again.

"Okay."

"I need some time to think and process what happened here."

"But?"

"But... maybe someday. Just at least not yet." 

She leaned in and kissed my cheek, which was surprising enough, but then she leaned against me and set her head on my shoulder again. Almost as if on impulse I put my arm around her shoulders and set my head on hers.

I had my arm around Erica, while her head was on my shoulder, mine on hers. And this was after kissing her, talking to her, her telling me she liked me, and kissing me on the cheek. And I sat there desperately trying to process what'd happened in the last 45 minutes.

And of course, that was when yet another surprise happened.

Catherine walked in.

Hehe cliff-hanger! See you around next week if I can update with part 2 of this.