HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! I'M GOING TO UPDATE RANDOMLY FOR A WHILE BUT HEY I'M STILL UPDATING SO AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ben gets badly hurt in a mission trying to save Erica, and she feels terrible. She stays by his side hoping he'd wake up so she could thank him and tell him how she feels about him, since she'd always avoided doing so. This is her greatest regret and we're taken through her life in flashbacks while she waits for him, hoping he wakes up so she can finally come clean instead of hiding behind walls of ice. It'd be around 10 chapters I think. No scenes of but mentions of mature content and pre/post-scenes included so read at your own risk lol. Also, Jay, I didn't intend to put a big chunk of their relationship in at first but I decided to just for you homie, so you're welcome in advance lmao (you'll know what big chunk I mean when you read it, also this is a peace offering so maybe you could not comment everything that could be perceived as remotely dirty because I'm writing this late at night and might not catch everything to be able to fix it lol)

Room 96
CIA Infirmary
7:45 PM
Saturday
May 27th

Erica's POV:
That selfless idiot. That moronic teenage boy from Spy School, who was not so little anymore, I suppose. He was 27, and I, 29, could still not get used to the idea of that crushing 12 year old being an adult for around 9 years. My, how time flies.

But, back to insulting that dumbass. He had the audacity to try to save me on our last mission together. Thanks to his idiocy, he'd been rendered unconscious for around 7 months at that point . I was heartbroken and sick with worry. But did he wake up? Nope. That stubborn little butt-head remained knocked out. Having part of a building fall on you after getting shot will do that I suppose. But it's still really annoying, right?

I'd continued going on missions for a couple months, trying to keep him off my mind, but I was too distracted being worried about Ben, that I made mistakes. I got careless. Yes, I, Erica Hale, got careless. Get over it. The CIA top brass knew I was still an amazing agent and one of, if not their best, agent(s). But they also knew me being assigned on missions while I was worried about Ben wouldn't work; I just couldn't keep my focus on the directive. Hence why my grandfather Cyrus Hale, got them to give me paid time off until Ben woke up or until I could focus again. I protested and said the missions were the only thing keeping me sane without him, but the brass agreed with Cyrus.

I was officially "on vacation," as I've been told it's called. (That was a joke. Kind of.)

Let me explain better why I was so worried about Ben.

Now, before you get excited, no, we were not dating or in a romantic relationship. I know a lot of you who somehow know of our existence and childhood missions, yacht us together or- something to do with boats I think, but we'd never even been on a real, official date in my books.

We'd gone out to eat at fancy restaurants and gone to the movies and etc. and while Ben considered them dates, I refused to. I couldn't go on dates. I was Erica freaking Hale. I had to be on my game at all times, no excuses, no distractions. To me they were simply "hang-outs"(I think I used that right) with a very good friend (that I may or may not have had feelings for but could never act on for the safety of the world).

So no, Ben was not my boyfriend. But he was my guy best friend, with- um... some benefits... we'll call it. The two of us liked each other romantically and we, and everyone else, were aware of these feelings. But seeing as we were professionals, and professional spies at that, we decided not to date officially. (Yes, me more than we, but he understands) Plus, we found other ways to express these emotions to each other with the occasional drunken trips to one of our apartments and with dating or married aliases to avoid further suspicion from targets in case feelings broke through when under pressure.

While Ben and I weren't officially dating, everyone who knew us knew that we might as well have both been taken because we would undoubtedly reject almost anyone who asked, (except in the case of an argument that lead to us trying to make each other jealous). I suppose you could call Ben and my relationship unofficially official. We weren't actually together, but pretty much no one else stood a chance with us and we had our moments of sorts. We were basically dating without the title and mandatory exclusivity to simplify. 

Even with our unofficially official relationship, we obviously still meant a lot to each other. Especially if we were willing to have such a screwy and weird romantic-ish relationship because we'd rather at the very least have one at all. He was my best friend and I loved him, platonically and not so platonically, and so I was worried sick. He would have been too.

That was just how it would go. We knew we couldn't be in a relationship, so we tried to find ways around it. We almost lose each other, and we worried non-stop, but in the end it made us closer every time. It strengthens our bond. I could only hope that it would be the same this time. 

I couldn't imagine losing him and I was a wreck since the second he got knocked out. I knew it wasn't my fault necessarily, I couldn't control his actions or emotions of course, but yet I couldn't help but feel that I was to blame at least a little. Because I cared for him so much I did everything I could to have any connection with him, but that meant that neither of us could really get over each other. If he hadn't loved, or at least liked me so much, he might not have dove in front of that bullet and charged at the person who fired it, trying to protect me.

But then again, it was Benjamin Ripley we were talking about. He probably would have. For me, or any of his friends, or any of his family. He was a very protective and caring guy, to the point that it got him in trouble frequently. Or more accurately, the infirmary or hospital frequently. 

Now let me take you back to the beginning of this mess. The overly long mission had nothing really to do with it so I'm going to start 3 days before the last mission I went on with Ben.

*Flashback*

It was September 16th. We'd just come back from a particularly difficult and long mission. This would be why we all agreed with Trixie when she said we should all celebrate at our favorite and usual bar/club. We'd successfully completed our directive and it'd taken months. It was a big mob drug and weapon smuggling bust that made us realize there were moles in most of the US government agencies. One speed bump after another made it drag on much longer than it would have normally taken. But we did it. And we deserved some fun.

We all went home to rest a little, unpack, and have some food. When we partied, we partied hard and it required some preparation. A couple hours later we all met at Knockout Nightclub at 10. I walked in to see some girls talking to the guys, (the guys being Ben and Mike), while Trixie laughed. I sat down next to my sister and ordered a drink. 

"No Parker?" I asked.

"He texted me to say he was just gonna get some sleep and hang out with his girlfriend instead but he hopes we have a ton of fun for him."

"Of course he's gonna sleep instead. I swear that boy needs at least 12 hours or he's a zombie." I teased as we both burst into laughter, knowing I wasn't really wrong.

"I mean true but he's also a great team member and a pretty cool dude." She defended a little.

"Yeah that's true." I agreed. "Now what's with those two ladies?"

"They would be some of the club heart-breakers flirting with our guys ineffectively."

I couldn't help but laugh and she joined in. They had no chance at all.  

First off, Ben and I had our sort of relationship, and Mike and Trixie were engaged, so that was one reason. Another might be that we all knew them from before because they'd just flirt with pretty much everyone there, trying to get someone to bite and flirt back. They were notorious heart-breakers and neither Ben nor Mike would give up me and Trix and especially not to have their hearts casually ripped out. 

Long story short, these girls could try all they may to shoot their shot, but they would undoubtedly air-ball by about a mile minimum, or at least the one after Mike guaranteedly would.

This, of course, would explain why Trixie was just laughing at the girls attempts to steal her man, instead of ripping her organs out. She had faith in Mike, and so did I. He may be a little bit of a playboy when he's single, but he's always careful with people's hearts and is one of the most loyal people I know, so I wasn't worried.

I was more wondering what Ben was gonna do. He liked me a lot, but he would still hang out with other girls from time to time, just like I'd see some guys every now and then. We both just wanted a sense of normality in our crazy and secret double lives every now and then. Sometimes that meant forgetting about everything remotely spy related for a bit.

Honestly, I hoped he'd turn her down. I wanted to have someone to save me for third wheeling Mike and Trix all night, and I wouldn't mind hanging out with Ben a little either. 

Mike told the girl flirting with him he was engaged the second she finally let him talk, to which she replied with a snarky comment asking who he was engaged to. Mike kissed Trixie, who was sitting right next to them, and said "To this lovely lady right here." Trix shot the girl a look, and the unnamed flirter finally got the hint when Mike waved goodbye like 'You can leave now.' After a couple minutes, Ben sent the other girl on her way. She grumbled but went to find her friend.

I  tried to suppress my slight happiness at this as he got up, walked around the happy couple over to me, and sat down. 

"Hey E. How was your free time this afternoon?" He asked politely.

"Pretty good. It was nice to be able to chill a little bit after being on guard twice to three times as much for so long. How about you?"

"Really nice. I actually got to take a shower, make some food, and take a nap without someone keeping watch in the other room."

"Woah, we're really livin the life, huh?" I laughed.

"You know it." He laughed along with me. He looked at his watch and saw we'd been there almost 20 minutes. "Alright, come on you three. We're going to dance and not just sit here drinking all night."

"But I'm quite enjoying just sitting here and drinking." I argued.

"Agreed." Mike laughed.

"I'm with them." Trixie giggled.

"Alright I'll allow you two party poopers to sit here for a little longer since you're engaged and since you guys had less stress on the mission." He sighed slightly at them before looking at me with a slightly mischievous smile. "You however, had to lead and were under tremendous pressure so you are coming with me, right now."

"Right now?"

"Right now."

"I'm assuming this isn't negotiable?" 

"How'd you guess? You really are a quick learner." 

He took my hand and pulled me to stand up. I set my empty bottle down and followed him. We danced around like idiots for a while, Mike and my sister having joined us not long after we left the bar. All 4 of us were just goofing off and having a blast when this guy comes over. Really tall, and honestly seemed kinda creepy to me. He wouldn't leave me alone so I decided to do what I usually did. Get Ben's help. I kept ignoring the random guy and hugged Ben. The dude said something like I was still talking to you so I kissed Ben before pulling him back into a hug and he finally left when Ben sent a glare at him over my shoulder.

"Thanks Ben." I smiled. 

"Anytime. I'm your guy." 

I gave him a look and rolled my eyes with a laugh.

"For getting you out of possible trouble I mean, of course." He laughed

"Mhm. I'm sure that's all you meant monsieur charming." 

"Sweet of you to call me charming mademoiselle."

"I was being sarcastic and you know it." I pointed out.

"I do, but you and I both know you kinda mean it." He leaned in to whisper in my ear. "But now you owe me a song." He joked.

"We both know I don't really, but I'll play along." I joked back.

"Alright!" He smiled and held out his hand as the song changed.

It was a familiar one, All I Think About Is You by Ansel Elgort. We'd danced to it a couple different times and it was kind of our song, or at least one of them, since we had a few. I didn't know how he did it but I had a feeling he was behind it. There was no way one of our songs just plays randomly right after I agree to dance with him for a song. It was a pretty public club, so I couldn't figure out how, but I knew it had to be him somehow. No way it was just a coincidence.

I took it with a knowing smile and he spun me around before we started dancing to it like we always did. It's hard to explain because it makes more sense when you watch it but the general idea is we were tearing up the dance floor with our footwork, flair, and chemistry. 

As we danced some people's attention turned to us. Not very many but a handful and they seemed to be enjoying our routine. I looked at Ben with a smile.

"I guess if our current jobs don't pan out we can always fall back on dancing."

"Ooh we could. We'd be world famous."

"I'm sure we would."

As the song's ending neared he spun me out so our arms made one line and then twirled me around in 2 circles so that I would stop spinning with my back against his chest. The last note played as he dipped me down so he was holding me up in his left arm. I realized how close our faces were and we both froze for a second. He was cradling my face in his right hand. My arms were around his neck in case he dropped me, which he never did. Suddenly, he leaned in and kissed me fiercely. 

I'd really hoped he would do that, but also scolded myself for it. I was so head over heels for him that I would do anything to have some sort of relationship with him, even if it was just flirting and having amazing moments like the dance, or the kiss.

We heard Mike and Trixie cheering and applauding so we pulled away and helped me stand up. But he never took his arm from around my back. 

The fiancees were laughing and clapping for us.

"Go Ben! That's my boy." Mike high-fived him when we walked over.

"Shut it Mike." I laughed.

"I'm just saying, when you get over the whole "spies can't date thing," you guys are gonna make an amazing couple. Even though you practically are." She winked at us.

"It was a mutual-" I started, but noticed Ben looking at me like "mutual my ass" so I re-worded slightly. "Alright it was a semi-mutual decision that it's just what's best for now."

"Hey, I mean I still get to take her on dates and whatever, even if she doesn't count them as such, so I'll take what I can get for now you know? Like it's greatly appreciated but also let's not push her too much on the subject. She'll come around someday but it has to be when she decides." Ben agreed with everyone somehow.

"How do you always do that Ben? How can you literally agree with everyone and never actually pick a side?" I rolled my eyes.

"Just with clever wording so I calm everyone down but don't get stuck in the middle of anything they're arguing about." He shrugged.

"Who's side are you on then?"

"I'm not gonna answer that the way you want me to, I see and understand both points of views and I agree with both."

"But that's literally logically impossible." 

"Not necessarily. I understand why you feel the way you do about relationships and while I wish we were more, we still have a relationship of sorts and I do know you like me." He said, his tone becoming sing-songy towards the end.

"Whatever." I mumbled, blushing a little.

We all kinda just talked for a while after that, but I noticed Ben's slightly amused glances at me a couple times when I made jokes or whatever.

"I think we're gonna go, I'm getting kinda tired." Trixie said with a little yawn.

Mike nodded with a little smile at her yawn and helped her up by offering his hand. 

"That's cool. I probably will in not too long as well; I'm getting a little tired too." Ben agreed. 

We all said goodbye and the happy couple went home, leaving me and Ben alone.

"Oh shit, hey Ben?"

"Yeah? What's up E?"

"I walked here since my apartment isn't too far away but I didn't think about how late it was gonna be when we went home, could you walk with or drive me?"

"Oh yeah, of course."

"Thank you. I could normally fight back but-"

"You drank quite a bit." He finished with an understanding look.

"Yeah, not a ton but enough that my senses might be slightly weakened."

"Hey, no need to explain, I've got your back, remember?"

I smiled a little and nodded.

"I think I'll drive you so I don't have to walk back for my car alone if that's okay?"

"Yeah that sounds perfect."

He got up and offered his hand like Mike had to Trixie and helped me up. I swear sometimes I think they're secretly twins and not just best friends.

We walked to his car and got in. He drove me to my apartment complex in silence, neither one of us quite knowing what to say. It wasn't awkward, just quiet.

After we pulled up we got out he started to walk in with me when I hesitated. I couldn't get our dance or our conversation out of my head.

"Is it okay if I walk you up?"

"Sure, that'd be nice." I smiled.

He nodded and pulled into a parking space. I started to open my door when he locked it and got out on his side. He walked around and unlocked my door so he could open it for me.

"You do that every time, I don't know why I even reach for the door anymore." I laughed.

"You're right, you'd think after how many years you'd learn you'll never be able to open a door for yourself when I'm around." He laughed with a little teasing shrug.

I just rolled my eyes and struggled to contain my smile at his childish and sweet antics as we walked inside to the elevator.

"You are such a dork, you know?"

"You always say that but clearly you don't mind it that much because you know ya love me enough to at least keep me around." He laughed again.

"Or maybe I keep you around because if you "mysteriously" went missing, aka I offed you and covered it up, and I didn't seem to mind too much or be upset by your disappearance even after all these years, people might suspect something. And I'm not that careless with my murderous plans thank you very much."

"That was pretty sadistic and long if all you wanted to do was try to play it off like you didn't like me at least a little bit babe." He half-grinned and half-smirked. 

"Whatever you say dumbass." I shrugged with a teasing smile over my shoulder.

"Uhm okay, owch, such harsh language should not be thrown at such an amazing and patient guy who puts up with you and your stuff all the time and still makes you feel like a queen, in public and in private, I might add." Ben teased.

"Stop teasing me or I'll-"

"You'll what princess?" He encouraged. "Do tell what the punishment for annoying her royal majesty is?"

"I'm gonna hurt you." I warned.

"Awh we both know you could never, I mean look at this adorable little face." He gave me his best puppy eyes, yet still managed to be teasing me all the while.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. He did a little bow and waved his hands forward, continuing the teasing.

"After you my Queen." He snickered in a fancy British accent.

"I've just about had it with this." I said with a little laugh.

"What are you gonna do about it?" He asked playfully.

"Oh I see what you're doing. And it's not gonna work." 

"I have no idea what you're talking about." He said with faux innocence. 

"You know dam well you're trying to annoy me into a fight."

"Me? I would never." He fake-gasped in "offense."

"Alright, you wanna play it that way?" I said, my tone slightly mischievous. "I'll just walk the rest of the way to my apartment and send you home for being so annoying."

"Me? Annoying you? I could never." He laughed a little.

"Oh, but yet here I am, annoyed at you." I shrugged.

"Well I can fix that." He smiled.

"And how do you intend to do that?"

"With a great big, 'I'm sorry for annoying you even though it's just because you're grumpy'  hug." He hugged me and burst into laughter.

"Get off of me dummy." I laughed and tried to shove him off. "I'm trying to walk here."

"Well you can walk and have a hug at the same time."

"I'm fully aware that I'm capable of quite literally anything but it'd be so much easier if you'd just lemme go." I tried to argue but ended up whining.

"Aw is somebody tiiired?" He chuckled teasingly.

"I am not. I'm just not in the mood for you to be obnoxious for no reason."

"It's not for no reason E."

"Alright, what's your reason then?"

"I find it quite entertaining to see the actual human responses on your face in reaction."

"And what's that supposed to mean Benny Boy?" 

"When we're alone just teasing and laughing you let your guard down more. Like you've come a long way but you let your guard down even more when we're just hanging out."

"That... that was actually kinda sweet." 

"Why thank you." He bowed a little.

"I mean you're still an annoying dumbass Ripley," I gently bumped my shoulder into his and he chuckled. "But it was sweet nonetheless."

"And here come the insults again." He noted.

"If you don't like them then just try and stop me." I shrugged as I walked to the door of my apartment.

"Is that a challenge Hale?" He asked with an amused tone.

"And what if it is?" I asked as I unlocked the door but left it closed. "You wouldn't be able to anyways you goofy little moron."

"Are you sure about that?"

"I am, in fact, quite sure that you wouldn't stand a chance at stopping the insults idiot."

"Oh really?"

"Mhm." I paused. "But is your ego doin' okay bud? I know how you can get, I mean you may have grown up and trained but deep down you're still that funny little guy that came to the Academy scared and dorky."

"Oh please. First off, no one has an ego comparable to yours darling. And second, I was 12 then. I'm 27 now. I've gotten stronger, more agile, quicker, more daring, and I've got quite the charms." He smirked. 

"And you're still the same nerdy, smartass as always." I chuckled.

"Hey!" He laughed. "If you don't knock it off I'll just have to prove that I can stop you."

"Is that a threat?" I asked slowly but making sure he could tell I was mostly joking.

"You challenged me first Sunshine."

I was about to insult him again but faltered when I heard him call me 'Sunshine' and he noticed. He didn't say anything but I saw the stifled laughs and the conceited look on his face.

"Is that so Champ?" I asked, making sure to sound as condecending as possible. "See, you say that you could take me on but you seem to be stalling so I highly doubt it buster. You would never actually try to stop me from i-" 

My voice died in my throat from my surprise at him taking a couple steps forward so that I instinctively backed up, forgetting how close to the door I was. I stood there as he leaned forward against the door slightly with a big ass grin on his face from knowing he caught me off guard.

"Well that was easier than I thought it'd be." He chuckled with a cheeky smile. "I thought I'd have to at least kiss you to take your breath away but I guess walking forward works too."

"You really are way too confident that you're always in control of the situation Ben." I said with a tiny smirk as I opened the door so he'd fall forward, and made sure to step out of the way.

Once he'd mostly caught himself from falling and started to stand up, I then grabbed the collar of his shirt with one hand and lifted him by it just slightly to show off. And of course, he only returned the smile, mischief shining in his eyes, as he grabbed my face ever so gently and leaned in, almost all the way. 

"Can I kiss you? Without the later sentence of death, of course." He asked softly with a little playful tone in it.

"Ah what the hell," I muttered with a little smile. "Yeah Ben, you can. Consider it thanks for having my back at the club earlier. And I promise not to kill you for it as such."

"Well someone's in a good mood." He smiled a little. "But I'll take any chance I can get to kiss you so no complaints here." He whispered as he kissed me tenderly.

He pulled away after not long with a smile still on his face.

"It okay if I crash here tonight? I'm kinda really tired and it's getting pretty late. I may not have had any drinks but driving tired is almost as bad an idea."

"Yeah that's fine, I don't mind."

He nodded. "Thanks. I trust you still have some of my sweatshirts around here?"

"Of course I do, I'll grab one." I said as I closed the door behind us and started to walk away to my closet. "But make no mistake, they're mine now and they're staying here." I joked.

"Whatever you want E." He shrugged and nodded again.

I walked back in with one and some big shorts that he could wear. I tossed them a his face and he laughed and took them. I went back into my room and changed while I assumed he did as well in the other room. When I went back out he was sitting on the couch, scrolling on his phone. I sat down next to him, curling up against him slightly, as he turned a movie on. I slowly started to fall asleep and I felt him kiss the top of my head. I smiled a little as I was gradually swallowed by the darkness, left with nothing but his scent in my nose and his arms around me.

I miss that scent now. I miss those comforting arms. I miss that caring heart.

Oh the things I'd do to have them all back; to have him back.

All the mistakes I'd fix and make right, all the things I'd say.

All the love I could have felt, could have given.

And now I may never get the chance.

Okay! Part 2 explaining how he got hurt will be out eventually, my schedule's gonna be a little irregular for a while. I really like this oneshot/story idea and am excited to eventually make it into a book.