I woke up with a start.

Sweat clung to my body. 

I shivered. 

The alarm clock screeched in the background. 

With trembling fingers, I switched it off. 

I rummaged through the bedside drawer for my pills and swallowed them dry. 

Eighteen months had passed since then but the nightmares hadn't abated. 

The pills helped but only to an extent.

Out of habit, I reach my hands to hold him, I suddenly feel my hands empty.

This causes me to gasp and open my eyes wide once again as I try to reach him but once again I fail to do so.

With nothing but numbness in me, I get up and start to get ready for work. 

Once again I find myself alone seated in the dining where once it was filled with our long talks, giggles, laughs which are no more. I try not to think much about how I have yet placed his dishes in front of his chair which is now empty.

I am greeted by my office colleagues and all I give them is a smile that doesn't reach my eyes. 

It takes me a moment of silence to think when had I last smiled and thinking about it I drove myself to look at the picture frame kept on my desk which was taken on his birthday a year ago and it was the same year when I lost all my grins and contentment.

"Hey, Ji Won, How are you?" "Good morning, Ji Won" "Hello Ji Won-ah" I was greeted by my coworkers and I greeted them back with a subtle good morning back. 

I touched my locket once again grasping it tightly with my fingers and took a deep breath before lowly murmuring his name, the love of my life, my world, "Taehyung" I released a sharp breath right after and closed my eyes to remove the tears in them. 

I started immediately working on the software project assigned to remove these repeating thoughts. I am a software engineer and he was an aerospace engineer. I still remember the day we met each other at the university.

Flashback:

"Oh god, I am so confused about which is my class, I don't have any friends as well" Oh shit, whom shall I ask? I can't afford to be late on my first day!" I started looking around the huge university and I could make out 2 figures bopping their heads and a friend of theirs photographing them. I could see only their backs, one wearing a pink shirt and another a striped sweatshirt with a beanie.

"Umm hello," I hesitatingly touched the back of the pink shirt guy. He turned back and I swear I stopped breathing for a second. Even though he was wearing a mask, he looked ethereal, his eyes-they were something different and they shined brightly under the sun as though a whole galaxy swam in his eyes.

"Umm miss...hello," he said feeling awkward by my stare. Great just great Ji Won-ah, he must be thinking you are some creep by feeling your intent stare.Great start.

 I thought and I smiled awkwardly at him and then I turned to look at his striped shirt friend and he was smiling with a knowing look in his eyes and I just smiled at him awkwardly.

"Umm..yes actually could you tell me where is room no.8, I have a class and I couldn't find it yet."I said.

"Oh yes, it is on the second floor towards the right of the entrance." the guy with the pink shirt said.

 And I was too overjoyed to know the route that I thanked him and his friends and ran towards the class. After finding the room and placing my bag on my bench I sat on the fifth row. 

After catching my breath I realized I didn't even ask that handsome guy's name!"Oh lord!" I banged my head on the table and the girl sitting next to me just looked at me weirdly and I nervously laughed and introduced myself.

 She was pretty and I could feel that she was a genuine person. Micha also gave me her number and said we could be friends. I was delighted to have a good friend on my first day of class. 

The class was about to start and came in two guys catching their breaths and sat on the 7th-row side by side. I turned to look at them and made eye contact with him. 

He smiled and waved hello and I timidly waved back. After two long lectures, the bell rang and indicated the break. I was just skimming through the pages of the physics book when I felt a presence before me.

 I raised my head to find him looking at me and slightly smiling, he raised his hand for a handshake and said in his deep voice, "Taehyung, Kim Taehyung" I smiled and shook my hands with him and felt his soft texture of hands and said "Ji Won, Cha Ji Won"  

And from then our story started. Maybe it was written in the stars that we will meet each other and lighten up each other's worlds with warmth, affection, and lots of love. 

But I guess every love story does not last. Every happiness and pleasure soon turns to immense sadness and pain.

I thought about this and wiped a single tear that fell on my cheeks and I knew I had to stop thinking further otherwise I would end up with tear-stricken cheeks. 

I opened my handbag breathing heavily and ran towards the washroom and opened the bottle of tablets and swallowed it dry and took deep gulps of breath to stop these intrusive thoughts as my doctor had asked me to. 

I hurriedly splashed some water on my face and wiped it with tissues and set my hair and went back to my desk to start working at once. 

And no one noticed this as I had started making myself distant from the others.No one could blame me after all who would want to waste their time on a person who is as broken as me.

No.Not even myself. But I knew I was wrong, I had my two dearest friends, who were there for me from the very start but being myself I cannot afford to affect their amicable life with a broken me.