- for the ones we have lost. we miss you.

✰ ✰ ✰

NOVEMBER 13, 2018
4:36 PM

"Cam just got a promotion at her job," I said, looking at the full cup of water in my hands. I stared down at the still water, looking through the clear substance. "Kalia is almost done with her album. It should be out in January and Tallula is doing really well. She had to switch medications because the other one stopped working for her, but since she changed it she's been doing really well. The Victoria Secret Fashion Show was last week and she fucking killed it - like always. And Zahra, well, she's not doing so great. Something happened and now all of her friends are in a fight, but I give them a week and they'll make up. They always do."

I carefully sat my cup on the coffee table and tucked both sides of my blue hair behind my ears. My foot was bouncing up and down as I looked at Theresa who was siting across from me like she always was, with her notepad in hand and a neutral expression on her face like always.

"You know I love hearing about the people in your life, Ramona. Therapists thoroughly believe that knowing the kinds of people our clients are around gives us an insight into behavior and emotions and who you are. The ones around us have a great deal of influence on who we are and how we act, so knowing what is going on in the lives of the people closest to you is always nice," Theresa informed me, a small smile on her lips. "But ever since you've gotten here that's all you've talked about. What's going on with other people. You haven't talked about yourself at all."

"I'm good," I nodded, my foot still tapping. Theresa's brown eyes flickered to my bouncing leg before looking back up at me.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure. What kind of fucking question is that?" I snapped and she raised an eyebrow. My features softened and I took a breath, leaning back into the couch. "I'm sorry. I'm just tired. I've been busy with these back to back shoots and interviews and it's just taking a toll I think."

"Maybe you should take some time off," Theresa suggested and I shook my head.

"No, I already signed contracts. I can't pull out now. I'll have time to rest over Thanksgiving," I shrugged.

"Are you sure you can make it until then?" Theresa asked and I looked at her with my tired eyes. "You look completely drained, Ramona."

"I can make it," I nodded as if I was trying to convince myself. "I don't have to get up until eight tomorrow. After this I'm going straight home and sleeping. I'll be fine."

She hooked her pen onto the notepad and clasped her hands together as she looked at me with suspicious eyes. "And you're sure that's all that's wrong? You're just overworked?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I'm sure."

"Okay, well, let's move on then," she said, picking up her notepad and flipping through it. "It's almost been a month since I gave you the advice to talk to Oscar and get some closure. Have you made any progress with that?"

"Oh, um, yes?" I guessed and she looked at me, confused. I sighed. "I talked to him, but I didn't get the kind of closure you were thinking of. I got my own kind of closure if that makes sense."

"Can you maybe explain?" she asked.

"I didn't get the answer to all my questions closure, but I got the kind of closure where..." I paused, thinking of a right way to word it. I brought my hand to the back of my neck and began rubbing it, mindlessly. "You just kind of... let go? Like, you don't really care about the answers anymore. They're irrelevant because you finally accept it wouldn't have made a difference."

She nodded, unclipping her pen from the notepad and writing something down. As she wrote the last words, she looked up at me again, "And you would rather that than asking your questions?"

"Yes."

"So if you never saw him again for the rest of your life, you would be perfectly content? No regrets about not asking the questions? You just don't even care anymore - at all?" she asked, clearly not believing me.

"Yes."

"Closure is... finality," she said and I looked ahead at her. "It's letting go of what once was. It means complete acceptance of what has happened. You're telling me that's what you have with Oscar right now?"

I stared at her, feeling the water pool in my eyes, but I didn't let it fall. I took a deep breath and answered, "Yes."

✰ ✰ ✰

NOVEMBER 13, 2018
6:48 PM

I was supposed to go to sleep as soon as I got home, but I didn't. Instead, I went inside my closet and pulled out an old scrapbook I made in high school. I hadn't touched it in years, but for some reason it had been on my mind lately, so I finally decided to look at it.

I sat on my bed flipping through the pages as I reminisced the moments in the pictures. There were so many of Cam and I. We were at different places around town: cornerstores, our houses, at school. There was a special one, though, where we were at the Hollywood sign. As soon as she got her license that was the first place we went and it was one of the best days of my life.

I had a few with Oscar and some of the Santos, too. They were all at his house, either inside or on the front lawn. However, the ones I loved the most were of the kids. They were all so sweet and adorable back then. The most they ever fought over were toys and games. Now, they were in a big argument over kisses and relationships and it made me sad because they were growing up.

I wanted them to stay young for forever, but I knew that just wasn't possible.

As I wallowed over my adopted children getting older, I continued to skim through the pages. I was reminded of more and more memories as I examined each and every picture, a small smile on my face. My brown eyes landed on one picture in particular and I rubbed my fingers lightly over it as I studied it.

It was a picture of Malik and I.

It was our freshman year and we were standing in the upstairs hallway outside by the banister. It was right before P.E. class, so we were in the red and white gym outfit. His right arm was around my shoulders and I had my arms wrapped around his waist as we smiled brightly at the camera. We were so young back then and so innocent. Neither of us had a care in the world. I missed that. I missed him. Everything had become so messed up and complicated.

Things are only as complicated as you make them be.

I slowly slipped the photo out of its plastic holder, looking down at it adoringly. He was my only real friend besides Cam until Tallula and Kalia came along. He had always been in my life, just like Cam. The earliest memory I had, he was there with me. And then the Prophets took him from me and I let my affiliation with Los Santos cloud my perception of him for so long. I was mad at him for almost taking Cam with him. I was mad at him for choosing the Prophets over me. That seemed to be a reoccurring theme around here.

After staring at it for a few moments longer I slid it back into its little space and closed the scrapbook, setting it on my bedside table. I grabbed my phone and saw I had a bunch of texts from the group chat.

bad bitches only🥂
iMessage
Tuesday, November 13
7:34 PM

tallula🛍
happy world kindness
day!

kalia🎤
what the hell is that?

tallula🛍
a holiday dummy

kalia🎤
i've never heard of it
before. sounds fake
to me.

tallula🛍
its literally a thing.
look it up!

kalia🎤
i did and
nobody cares about it

tallula🛍
I DO!
everyone in the world
should be more kind
dont ya think?

kalia🎤
are you tryna
come for me right now?

tallula🛍
if the shoe fits man...

HAPPY WORLD
KINDNESS DAY!

tallula🛍
THANK YOU,
MONA!
see? she gets it

kalia🎤
you bitches are weird.
cam???? hello, are you alive?

she's probably at work

tallula🛍
she's always at work

kalia🛍
she's getting a bag.
can't blame her.

u right!

I exited out of my messaging app and switched to Instagram. I scrolled through my feed for a minute before coming across a post from Zahra that made me smile.

I was beyond happy to see that everyone made up. Now that they were good with each other again, all was right in the world.

I decided to finally call it a night. I placed my phone on the charger and went to change into some sleepwear: leggings and an oversized, random restaurant t-shirt. I climbed back into bed and got under my covers. As I went to turn off my lamp my name being shouted made me pause.

"RAMONA!" I heard Cam call my name throughout the house.

I immediately threw the covers off of me and stood up. I ran to my door, but before I could reach it it was thrown open and Cam was standing there, breathing heavily.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked, looking her over for any wounds or signs of struggle. She looked fine, just out of breath and worried.

"You have to come now!" she yelled and I turned and grabbed my jacket that was hanging on my chair. I slipped on some sneakers and grabbed my phone.

"What's going on, Cam? You're scaring me," I expressed, my voice dripping in worry as I walked back over to stand in front of her.

"The Prophets are about to roll up on the Diaz house."

My eyes widened and I ran past her, not even bothering to reply to her statement. There was no time for talking - only running. There was no way I was going to let them shoot up Oscar's house. Not only were the kids there right now, but it was Oscar and Cesar's home. The one they were raised in and a place I grew to love because of all the time I spent there. They could do drive by on Los Santos' drug warehouses or business, but their house was completely off limits. At least it was for me.

Cam and I ran side by side down the sidewalks of the dark Freeridge streets, through the alleyways and passed No Man's Land to the other side - to Prophet territory. We didn't stop to take any breaths, we just kept running. Once we passed the park I didn't know exactly where to go, so I let Cam lead the way. We turned on a street full of house. It looked just like it did on the other side, minus the large group of guys in front of a house sporting green from head to toe.

Cam ran right up to them with no hesitation, but I stayed a little behind her, trying to catch my breath. They were covered in green. Some of them had green bandanas tied over their mouths. They were talking to one another and checking their guns. They finally saw Cam and began smiling, but then they noticed me behind her and frowned, immediately drawing their guns and pointing them at me. My hands immediately went up in surrender and Cam tried blocking me.

"Aye, what the fuck is Spooky's bitch doing over here?" one of them yelled, never taking his eyes off of me. "You don't belong over here, sweetheart."

"Why the fuck you bring that inbred bitch on my side, Camari?" another one asked, walking up to the front of the group. I had never seen him before, but it was clear he had some power over the others.

"I didn't come here on no bullshit. I'm not even apart of Los Santos," I defended, my hands still up.

"Fuck you ain't. You let their leader put his dick inside of you and that's enough to know where your loyalty lies," the same guy spat. He wasn't holding a gun in my face, but god damn if looks could kill.

"The fuck would I be loyal to you guys for?" I shouted, becoming angry.

"Maybe 'cause you go 'round claimin' you black all damn day, but wanna spend time in that Mexican's bed," he challenged and I glared at him.

"You guys killed my mother," I accused through clenched teeth. "Race don't make that go away."

Whatever-his-name was looked at me confusedly, but he didn't get a chance to respond because my name being called grabbed all of our attention.

"Ramona?" Malik's voice sounded from the back of the crowd of gang members who were still aiming their guns at me. I looked past the one guy and I finally saw him, weaving through the other members. He still looked the same. He looked like my Malik and I couldn't help but smile at him upon seeing his face.

"Malik," I smiled, tears brimming my waterline.

"What are you guys doing here?" he asked, looking between Cam and I. I glanced down and noticed the gun in his hands and the frown returned to my face.

"You guys can't pull up on Oscar's house. Please, tell them not to do it, Malik," I begged, walking up to him. All the guys cocked their guns back and I stopped in my tracks.

"Why would you bring her over here?" he asked, turning towards Cam. "You know she can't be on this side."

Hearing him say this about me hurt. I knew he was right, but it hurt nonetheless. We really were of different worlds now.

"She deserved to know," Cam defended.

He sighed and turned back to me. "You need to go home," he said, grabbing my arm and beginning to drag me away, but I ripped myself from his grip.

"No! I'm not going anywhere until you guys agree not to pull up on Oscar's house," I stated, seriously.

"Los Santos whacked out our tags in the alleys. They gotta pay for that," the one with power spoke again.

"Javion, I got this," Malik said, holding his hand out for him to stop.

Malik looked back down at me. "You need to go."

I ignored him, turning back to Javion. "You think ruining somebody's home equals spray painting a fucking alley wall?" I asked, angrily. "There are kids in that house right now. Innocent kids. My little sister is in that house. You're gonna kill them over some fucking spray paint?"

Javion stared down at me, his stoic face and body posture not faltering. "Acceptable losses," he shrugged, simply.

He could insult me all day, I didn't care. But coming after my sister - threatening her - that shit wasn't gonna slide. I brought my arm back and connected my fist with his jaw. His head snapped sideways and all the guys behind him began rushing to me, putting their fingers on the triggers. They would've shot if it wasn't for Malik jumping in front of me.

"Aye, aye! Calm the fuck down!" he yelled, shielding me from them. "Put the goddamn guns down!"

They were hesitant at first, but when they saw he wasn't moving they conceded and lowered their guns, shooting daggers at me instead, but I couldn't give one fuck.

"You fucking bitch!" Javion screaming, still holding his cheek. He turned to Malik. "Why the fuck you protecting this Santos slut!"

"She's my friend, man!" Malik defended.

"The only friends you need are us," he shot back.

Malik turned to Cam. "Get her out of here. Both of you, please, just leave!"

"No! I'm not leaving," Cam refused, walking up to him and taking his hands in hers. "Please, don't do this, Malik. You're going to regret it." Her eyes were glossy and big as she stared up at him. I could see the desperation in them. It hurt her seeing him like this - with them. I know it did because it hurt me, too. The Malik I knew was still here, I could tell. But still, he was different.

"I can't do that," he shook his head, sadly. He slipped his hands out of hers. "I know you don't listen to anyone ever, Cam, but I'm begging you. Please, listen this time."

"No. I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving you here."

"I can see they listen to you, Malik," I interjected and he glanced over at me. "Convince them not to do this. I know you can."

"Spooky don't even fuck with you no more and you still out here doing his bidding," Javion commented.

"Don't pretend you know shit about what goes down on my side. Don't pretend you know what the fuck our relationship is," I spat, angrily.

"Mona! Please go home," he begged. "You don't belong here."

I stared at him for a moment before responding. "Neither do you."

He looked at me sadly. I could tell he wanted to say something, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

"You got ten seconds to get going back to your side or ima put a hole in you," Javion threatened, holding his gun up towards me. "I wouldn't mind using you as a message for Spooky."

"I'm not going until you promise you won't go to his house," I said, not backing down.

"What the fuck don't you get?!" he snapped. "I don't give a fu-"

Approaching police sirens cut his sentence off. All of our heads snapped in the direction of the noise and I could see flashing blue lights in the distance. They were currently turning on the block.

"Drop your fucking guns!" Javion ordered and they all did just that. They all began running in different directions, abandoning the scene. It was pure chaos. There was so much yelling and people were running in all directions.

"Quick! Hide between those houses! Hurry, go!" Malik screamed, pushing us in the direction of two houses on the other side of the street. We did as we were told and quickly ducked between the dark space of the small homes.

We watched from behind the wall as four police cars pulled up, cornering a good number of the Prophets. All the cops hopped out, their weapons drawn and the remaining gang members stood there like deer in blue lights with their hands up - including Malik.

I noticed a few people on the block came out of their houses and watched the scene unfold from their porches. Some even had their phones out recording it.

"GET DOWN ON THE GROUND! GET ON THE GROUND AND KEEP YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEADS!" one of the male officers yelled, keeping his gun pointed at them. They did as he said, slowly getting on their knees first and then laying on their stomachs. Some of them had to lay on the guns because they were literally everywhere from when they dropped them.

The cops slowly inched towards them, their guns still trained on them. I couldn't take my eyes off of Malik who was on the ground, his face in the grass.

"Thank you to that person who called that anonymous tip in," one of them laughed, a white woman, looking down at them all.

"Look at all these guns," another white officer jumped in. "I bet most of them are illegal. This is the kind of shit we needed after a boring ass week."

"What the fuck are you guys finna do?" one of the Prophets yelled from the ground and the male officer brought a swift kick to his ribs, making Cam and I flinch.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" he yelled.

"All of you are going to prison for a long, fucking time, so breath as much of this air as in as you can because you won't be smelling it for quite awhile," a different white, male officer taunted them, a smug smile on his lips.

"You can't just-" Malik started, but he was cut off when one of the guy officers pulled him up off the ground roughly.

"I KNOW YOU HEARD ME TELL YOUR GANG BANGING BUDDY TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!" he screamed in his face. "DID YOU HEAR ME SAY THAT?"

Malik glared at him, but reluctantly nodded. The cop threw him back down on the ground and kicked him over and over again. Cam was crying and so was I. This wasn't fucking right. They were abusing their power. My mind flashed back to when Oscar got arrested and an idea popped into my mind.

Those cops thought I was white and treated me differently. This entire neighborhood was full of black people, so obviously these cops didn't care about anyone seeing them do this or just doing this in the first place. If it was ever brought up, they would take the police's side one, because they were police, two, because they were white police and three, because they were white police in a black neighborhood arresting black gangbangers.

But if I ran up there and played white, then maybe I could get them to back off. Who knows, maybe I could get Malik out of it somehow. I could lie and say I had a video of their unnecessary abuse. If I was being honest, I didn't know exactly what I could do, but I knew I could do something with this skin. I could use it to help someone.

I began walking from between the houses, but Cam pulled me back.

"No, he told us to stay here," she whisper-yelled and I yanked my arm out of her grip.

"I'm going to help," I said before running off, not giving her time to pull me back.

"Hey," one of the female cops said, walking up to Malik while the other cops began collecting the guns and patting the members down. "You got any other weapons on you?"

"Yeah, I got a knife in my waistband," he admitted, not wanting any other trouble.

"Get it out," she ordered, kicking him lightly so he would listen to her.

He slowly rose to his knees and pulled up his shirt to reveal his waistband, a knife tucked into it. "Tanner," one of the white officers called, making her turn around as Malik pulled the piece of metal from his pants. The white officer turned to show Tanner something, but when he saw Malik pulling something out if his waistband he quickly raised his gun and pulled the trigger. The bullet went clean through his head and his body fell to the ground. All the other Prophets covered their heads upon hearing the shot.

I stopped in the middle of the road, my hand flying to my mouth as I stared at his lifeless body on the grass.

"Green, what the fuck!" Tanner yelled at the guy who was still holding the smoking pistol.

"He had a knife!" he defended.

"I know he had a knife! I told him to fucking get it!" she screamed.

"Noo!" I heard Cam cry out and two seconds later she sped past my frozen body that was still standing in the middle of the street. She ran up to Malik's body, kneeling beside him taking him into her arms. "No. No. No," she sobbed, looking down at him.

"What the actual fuck, Green!" another one of the officers yelled, looking from Cam to the murderer.

"We need to go. Right now," another said, already running back to the police cars.

"What about the bust?" Tanner asked, running behind him, glancing back at the lawn for a split second.

"Fuck the bust! We need to go right fucking now!" he yelled, hopping into the car. All of the officers followed suit, leaving the scene one by one. The flashing blue lights faded the further they got, leaving us in nothing but the darkness of the night.

I finally got my motor skills back and approached the scene. The Prophets rose to their feet, looking at a crying Cam, sorrowfully. She had his head in one arm and her other arm was wrapped over his chest as she cried. She was soaked in dark red blood by now, but it didn't bother her. She kept crying and I looked down at them, silent tears falling down my cheeks.

I looked around to see even more people out of their houses now, looking over at us with wide eyes - some even crying. Most of them had put their phones down now, but some still had theirs up, determined to get it all on tape.

"M-Malik," Cam choked out, sliding her free hand down his cheek. His eyes were closed, his lips slightly parted. I would think he was sleeping if I didn't know any better. His body was completely limp in Cam's shaking arms as she sobbed above him. "Please, wake up. Please, don't leave me here. Please," she pleaded to a dead man through tears.

She stayed this way, crying and begging and holding him until the sun came up and we finally decided to call 911 because there was no one else to call.

In our entire life together, I had never seen Cam so distraught. I had seen her cry. I had seen her sob. I had seen her bawl, but this was none of those. This was different.

This was mourning.

This was weeping.

This was a sound that would haunt me for the rest of my life.

∰

this chapter was really hard for me to write. not gonna lie i cried a lot. just because the topic of conversation is so personal to me. more of the deeper stuff will be visited next chapter so i wont waste ur time talking about it here.

rip malik, u were dearly loved and u deserved better.

due to the heavy subject matter, no gif reactions, but as u all know, they will be back next chapter.

#blacklivesmatter