- for the relationships we forge out of grief. who could have ever guessed what it would become?

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APRIL 18, 2014
9:18 AM

Four years earlier...

One week.

My mother has been dead for an entire week.

She was murdered seven days ago by savages. The Prophets and the Santos. First, they take my innocence with all the violence. Now, they take my mother from me as if my childhood wasn't enough. I drove by their teenage leader's house all the time. They were always sitting out there laughing and drinking. They were just fine while my mother was six feet under.

It wasn't fair.

This week had been the longest week of my fucking life. It felt like years. I went to bed without her and I woke up without her. I cried nonstop. Even when I was moving into my cousin Shay's house, I was moving my furniture in tears. She and her husband tried to comfort me, to talk to me, but I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to cry.

I had been gone from school all week and my first day back was today. I was dreading it. Everyone knew about what happened and I knew the whispers and stares were coming. I was only a sophomore in high school. I should still have my mother.

I walked in the front doors and to no surprise Cam was there with her Student Council crew who were all holding a bouquet of different kinds of flowers.

"On behalf of the Student Council we send our condolences," Junior said, holding out the roses.

"Camari thought it'd be a good idea to give you a warm welcome back," Max, the smallest of the crew, said. He held out his bouquet of daisies. "We come bearing flowers."

"We're here if you need us, Ramona," Derek added. I mentally rolled my eyes.

I gave them a small smile and took all the flowers. "Thanks, but I don't feel like talking. Just... please leave me alone," I said, walking past them and down the hallway.

"C'mon. It's not good for you to be alone in a time-" Junior started, and I turned around and cut him off.

"You don't know what's good for me, Junior," I snapped. "You don't even know me!"

"Mona, please. They're only trying to make you feel better," Cam stated.

I glared at her. "Yeah, because you told them to," I argued. She looked at me with sad eyes. "These are your friends, Cam. Not mine. You're in Student Council. Not me. And the only reason they're standing here giving me fake condolences is because you asked them to. They didn't do it on their own. I don't need pity. I just need you to leave me alone."

"Mona, that's not tr-" Max started.

"My name is Ramona!" I yelled and people began to look.

"Mona, I get you're upset and you have the right to be, but don't push people away that are just trying to help," Cam pleaded.

"You can't help me," I shook my head. "You wanna know why?"

"Mona, please-" Everyone was staring at me now.

"Because my mom is dead!" I yelled, my voice breaking.

At that moment the door front door opened and the group of eight Santos who were still in school walked in, including their new, young leader. They stopped, realizing some shit was going down and I physically felt the rage build within me. I hadn't been over to the Diaz house because my life had been flipped upside down in seven days and there was no time, but they were standing right in front of me now and I was pissed.

"You guys killed her," I breathed heavily, glaring at them. "You snatched her out of her car and shot her in the head," I began to cry.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa" one of them put his hands up. "You need to calm down."

"It's not fair!" I screamed through tears. I picked up one of the flower bouquets and chucked it at them. They all ducked, but I kept throwing the bouquets until my arms were empty again. "Fuck you! Fuck the Prophets! Fuck this stupid ass town! Fuck your stupid ass war. Just... fuck!"

I broke down, falling to the floor as I sobbed. Cam immediately ran to me and wrapped her arms around me, rocking me back and forth and trying to soothe me. Everyone was still staring, including the Santos who didn't seem to know what to do. They were whispering to each other and trying to look anywhere but me, their guilt clearly eating at them. Except for Oscar, who stood in the front. He was looking right at me with glossy eyes and I swear I could see a tear running down his cheek.

He approached me slowly, bending down on my other side. He reached out and put his hand on the side of my face, but I smacked his hand away. I started repeatedly hitting him wherever I could reach. His nose, cheek, shoulder, chest, everywhere. I was so angry. I was so sad.

He didn't even attempt to move away. He just kneeled there and took it. His homies started towards me, but he yelled, "No! Déjala en paz! Ella necisito esto."

I kept hitting him and crying and Cam was just staring at me, tears running down her cheeks, too. It went on like that for some minutes before I got tired, but I kept going. And he kept sitting there.

"Aye! Everybody get the fuck out!" Malik yelled, stomping down the hallway. Everyone quickly began to spread out and leave, but I kept going. "Mona, c'mon, babygirl," he said, reaching down and hooking his arms under mine before pulling me up. Oscar stood along with me and I finally stopped, falling into Malik's body.

"She's dead," I cried, leaning into him. He brought his hands up and stroked my hair. "She's dead. My mommy is dead. She's dead!"

"I know, love. I'm sorry," he whispered.

I looked up at him. "You gotta leave," I begged, through sobs. "They're gonna kill you like they killed her. They're not good people. Promise me you'll get out?"

He frowned, sadly. "You know I can't do that."

I sobered up and narrowed my eyes at him. I pushed him back. "Get the fuck off of me!"

He wasn't angry that I pushed him, he just looked at me sadly. "I'm sorry."

I put my arm out, pointing at him. "You stay away from me!" I ordered. I turned and pointed at the Santos. "You, too! Just stay the fuck away from me! You fucking murderers!"

"Mona-" Cam started, walking towards me.

"Just leave me alone!" I yelled before taking off down the hall.

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APRIL 18, 2014
11:36 AM

After crying in a supply closet for two hours I finally felt like I was somewhat stable enough to face humans again. Cam had been calling and texting me, but I ignored her. I wiped my tears and stepped out into the hallway. People were still going to classes, so I quietly slipped into the crowd towards my AP Economics class. I got there just as the bell run and when I walked in I immediately stopped upon seeing the senior.

Oscar was sitting next to the only open chair left in the classroom. Usually he sat all the way in the back while I was towards the front, but since I got here late I couldn't claim my seat. I mentally cussed my mom out for making me sign up for upper level advanced my classes. Screw you for wanting me to challenge myself and do good in school. Screw you for leaving me here.

I begrudgingly made my towards the empty seat and sat down. Oscar looked at me as I sat down and I rolled my eyes as I reached into my bag. I threw it on my desk and roughly opened it. "You daydreaming about putting a bullet in my head, too? Is that why you're staring at me?" I ask, not even bothering to make eye contact with him as I went to put the date at the top of my paper.

"Have you been crying this entire time?" he asked.

I turned my head towards him, "What's it matter to you?" I snapped. He just stared at me. "Yes, Oscar Diaz, I've been crying. You killed my mother, remember?"

He went to say something, but the Mrs. Capacelli beat him to it.

"Okay, I'm passing back the tests and scantrons. Take one of each. You guys have until class is over to complete the test. Remember to put your name on the scantron," she said, passing out stacks to each row of desks.

Fuck me. So much has been going on I forgot about the big ass test we were having today that's worth twenty percent of our grade. I've also missed a week of the damn material, so I'm super fucked. Please, just kill me. Then, I wouldn't have to go through this and I could be with my mom again.

The guy in front of me passed me two separate stacks for the tests and the scantrons and I took one of each, passing them back. I wrote my name down before flipping through the packet. Fifty questions. Oh, extra fuck me.

The room was silent and I began the test I knew I was going to fail. I started with the questions I knew and bubbled in those answers, but after I was done with those I still had twenty eight questions I didn't know anything about. I really wished I never left my supply closet.

I was staring down at the paper hella stressed, with my hand in my hair when a hand slit a piece of paper on my desk. I looked over to see Oscar reach down and pick up his backpack before going to hand my teacher his test and walking out. I watched his figure leave and looked at Mrs. Capacelli to make sure she wasn't looking at me before quietly opening the folded piece of paper. It was numbered one to fifty with the answers besides the numbers.

Was this his fucked up way of trying to make shit right after killing my mother?

What kind of half-assed apology was this?

That's when I noticed there was writing on the other side, too. I turned it over and looked over the written words.

It wasn't us.

I stared at the paper, my eyes knitted in confusion. Is he trying to tell me it was the Prophets who killed my mom? I needed to talk to him about it, so I hurriedly bubbled in the answers and turned it in to the teacher before running out into the hallway. It was still empty besides the few skippers that roamed around.

Where the hell did he go?

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APRIL 22, 2018
8:03 PM

I hadn't seen Oscar in four days. He wasn't at school yesterday and over the weekend I stopped by his house multiple times, but he, or any of the Santos really, were nowhere to be found. It was starting to piss me off. How could he write me that vague ass note and then disappear like I didn't have questions?  That's Oscar Diaz for you kids.

My phone dinged and I looked down to see a text from Shay.

Shay
iMessage
Tuesday, April 22nd
8:03 PM

How you holdin' up?

eh.

Understandable.
I'll be home soon.
You want to drink some wine
when i get get there?

you would never.

Wanna bet?

yes.

You lost.

woooooow.
u must be feeling real bad for me to
be doing this.

Don't do that, Mona.
We love you and just
want you to feel better.

Understandable.
thanks but no thanks shay.
i just wanna sleep.

Mona, please don't
do this. Talk to us.

goodnight shay.

I put her on Do Not Disturb. I understood she just wanted to me to get better, they all did. But they didn't just lose their mothers to gang violence she had nothing to do with. Some wine wasn't going to make me feel better. Not for long, anyways.

Maybe the way I was dealing with everything wasn't the healthiest way, but if I just wanted to be alone and cry then I should be able to do that. It was how I chose to grieve and I had every right to that choice. I wasn't hurting anybody. Maybe myself, but hey, what's new?

I exited out of the messages app and went to my voicemails. I scrolled down until I saw her name. I clicked on her name and smiled when her light, bubbly voice came through the speaker.

"Hey, Ladybug. I'm picking up dinner on the way home, text me what you want. And please don't let it be pizza. I can only eat that crap so many times a week. Love you. Get back to me, soon. Okay, bye bye."

I clicked an older one.

"Mona, baby. I'm on the way home. You will not believe what a patient did to Natalie today. You remember Natalie, don't you? Ladybug, these old white people are crazy! I'll tell you the story when you get home. Be safe. Hugs and kisses. Bye, baby."

I clicked on another, tears running down my face now.

"Ladybug! I know you're probably still sleeping since it's Saturday, but I heard that song you like on the radio while I was going to get lunch just now and it reminded me of you. You know the one that goes, 'You the one that I dream about all da-a-ay, you the one I that I think about alw-a-ays," she sang. "Well, you know what I'm talking about. It's so catchy, I see why you like it so much. We should have a dance party when I get home! Listen, I gotta eat real quick and get back to work, but I'll see you later. Love you, Ladybug."

I remembered that day. We did have a dance party. I even invited Cam and we all just danced around my living room to popular songs while drinking and eating junk food. It was one of my favorite memories with those two.

I missed my mommy so much.

I didn't realize how much I was sobbing until Zahra came into my room, her eyes wide. She ran to the bed and crawled next to me.

"Mona! It's okay," she soothed, wrapping her arms around me.

"She's dead," I cried.

"I know," she whispered. "Just let it out, it's okay."

I shook my head and pulled away, wiping my tears. "I'm okay, RaRa. You can go now."

"No, you're not," she stated. "You know, now that you live here and my parents have custody of you we're sisters now. And sisters tell each other everything, ya know? That's like the number one rule to Sisterhood."

"I don't think that's entirely true," I chucked, still wiping my tears.

She shrugged. "It's true to me."

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'm good."

She stared at me a moment before sighing. "You know, my dad tells me it's not good to keep things bottled in because one day the bottle with become too full and it will explode. You don't want to explode do you, Mona?"

"Not necessarily, no."

"Then you gotta tell me what you're feeling!" she exclaimed, her voice squeaky and I couldn't help but laugh. "Remember the sister thing? Yeah, it's like a rule. There needs to be a document or something saying you gotta tell me what's on your mind."

"You just like being nosy," I rolled my eyes.

"Maybe," she replied, "But nosy for good reason."

"What would this totally official document be called anyways?" I asked.

She thought about it for a moment before a smile spread on her lips. "The Sister Pact!"

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APRIL 24, 2014
1:17 PM

I was in the library looking for a book I needed to write my English essay when I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He was sitting at one of the tables towards the back wall. Well, more like sleeping at one of the tables towards the back wall. I slowly walked down the book aisle and approached him, but he didn't move. I could hear his light snoring and I rolled my eyes. I reached into my bag and pulled out a piece of notebook paper and a blue pen.

I wrote a small note.

I want answers. Call me. (213) 872-9065. Thanks for the other answers, by the way.
- Ramona

I tucked it into the little open space between his arm and head and continued towards the check out. The library lady checked my book out for me and I walked out of the library, running into Cam.

"Mona!" she yelled. "I've been calling and texting you for two days! What the hell, why have you been ignoring me?"

"I'm sorry!" I apologized. "But it's been a mess lately. Like more of a mess than before, but on the upside I had really good talk with Zahra the other day and I'm feeling much better. I'm still sad, but, better."

She smiled, putting her hand on the side of my face. "That's so amazing, Mona. Who knew that ten year old was the ultimate therapist."

I walked next to her as she went to her next class. "You know, since you're feeling better you should come to the party Junior is throwing tomorrow."

I sighed. "Cam, you know I don't hang out with them."

"You could!" she exclaimed.

I shook my head. "They're your friends, not mine."

"Where are yours at?"

"Ouch," I joked.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm being serious, Mona. The only person you ever talk to is me and Malik. And you stopped hanging out with him outside of school because he joined the Prophets."

I couldn't see Malik with them. I couldn't see them break him down until he was unrecognizable from the lighthearted, carefree boy I knew. I refused to watch him lose himself, which I knew was going to happen. It always did when it came to the Prophets. They had a certain way of ruining a person.

"Yeah, and you should think about it, too," I said, swerving around the people with her. She shook her head and looked forward, not wanting to hear what I was gonna say. "I'm serious, Cam. I know you love him. I do, too, but we have to learn when to put some distance between ourselves and people we love that are going nowhere. I don't want to see him in green just as much as you don't. Listen, you have to set boundaries or you're going to be sporting the color, too. And I can't have that."

"He's my boyfriend, Ramona!"

"And he's my friend!"

I closed my eyes and took a breath. "Just, be careful, please? I can't lose you, too, okay?"

She nodded. "I promise."

"Thank you."

We walked in silence for a moment before I remembered as we were going down the staircase. "I didn't even tell you!" I exclaimed. I reached into my bag and pulled out the piece of paper. I handed it to her. "Oscar put this on my desk last week."

She took it and read it as we turned the corner. "What does this mean?" she asked, looking up at me confused. "Is he saying the Santos didn't kill your mom?"

I shrugged. "I have no idea. I think that's what he was getting at. I left a note with my number on it for him to call me. I'm getting answers from his bald headed ass."

Now, I waited.

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APRIL 24, 2014
6:29 PM

I decided it was time to get out of my head and start hanging around the family. They were nice enough to take me in and I didn't want to disrespect that by completely ignoring them. My mother was gone, yes, but they were here with their arms opened wide. Zahra helped me realize that.

So I took it upon myself to walk out of my room and offer my help to a surprised Shay who was trying to cook some Mediterranean meal she found on pinterest. To say the least; that did not go well.

Zahra might have spilled the couscous on the ground and I might have turned the stove too high and caught the pot on fire, but that wasn't important because we quickly bounced back. And by we I mean Shay kicked us out of the kitchen and did it all herself why we sat in the living room with Trevor who was watching some basketball game.

Zahra was drawing something in her sketchbook while I was scrolling through Instagram. I came upon a post of Cam and smiled.

It was good she had friends that weren't me. As much as she didn't like to admit it, we were pretty different when it came to interests. Cam loved to be involved in everything while I liked to sit back and chill. I loved having attention on me, but a different kind of attention. There was a reason she was a cheerleader, a student council member and even sometimes edited the monthly Freeridge High newspaper. She liked stuff like that and she found friends who liked it and I could never be mad at that.

That's why I didn't want her to get too involved with Malik. Before I knew it she would leave all that behind to go on drug runs just like Malik did. He had a good reason, but it hurt to see him give up that part of himself. That's where she met Malik. He was the senior student body president and he gave it up to be a Prophet - to help his mom.

It wasn't fair for him either.

I was still scrolling through Insta when I got a message.

Unknown Number
iMessage
Thursday, April 24th
6:34 PM

Ramona?

yes.
oscar?

Yeah
How are you

bitch i'm confused!
what the hell was that note about?
thanks for leaving that
vague ass shit then
disappearing by the way.

You're welcome

you know what...
goodbye.

Be ready tomorrow at eight
I'll pick you up

what? no.
i didn't agree to that shit.

You want answers?

yes.

This is how you get them.
Eight. No later.

fiiiine.

Where the hell could he be taking me?

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APRIL 25, 2014
8:44 AM

"The beach?" I shrieked, hopping out of the impala. I ran after Oscar who was walking down onto the sand. "I ask for answers and this is where you take me to get them? The fucking beach?"

"I wanted to go to the beach," he shrugged, sitting down on the sand.

"I want answers, Oscar!" I yelled. Thankfully there was no one around.

"Sit down," he said, pulling the blunt from behind his ear and nodding towards the spot next to him.

"NO!" I yelled, frustradedly. "I'm not playing games with you. Not anymore. You tell me what you meant or else I'm leaving and you get the blame for killing my mother."

"It was the Prophets," he said, lighting the blunt.

I stood still and stared at him. "The Prophets?" I asked, quietly. The waves crashing onto the shore and the noisy birds filled the silence between sentences. I moved the hair out of my face that the wind was blowing to get a clearer look at him. He had the blunt in his mouth and was staring blankly at the ocean as he nodded. "Which one?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. Shit was moving too fast. Bullets were flying," he recollected, tears brimming his eyes. "I didn't see who, but I saw green. Then they drove off and I saw your mom was on the ground."

I was crying again as I plopped down next to him, hopelessly. He finally looked at me, teary eyed. "I'm sorry, Mona. I wanted to go get her, I wanted to pick her body up off the road, but cops were coming. We needed to leave."

"It's okay," I whispered, staring ahead at the ocean. "I don't blame you. Not anymore."

He faced the water again. We both were sniffling and I wiped my tears. "You know, this entire time I've been feeling so lost without her," I spoke, sadly. "Just kind of...."

"Hopeless," he finished. I glanced at him and he looked sad. The kind of sad that extended far beyond my mom. He took a puff of the blunt before letting the smoke escape his lips, "Yeah, I know the feeling."

"But these past few days with my cousin's family and Cam and now with what you just told me... I don't know. It feels like I can finally see the light after being in that dark place for so long," I added, putting a positive spin to the conversation. He scoffed and I looked at him before grabbing his hand. His head snapped down at our hands, but he didn't pull away. He let them intertwine before looking up at me.

At this moment, with his eyes glossy and his emotions on his sleeve, I began to see Oscar in a new light. He was more than a cholo that was apart of the gang who ruined my childhood.

He was beautiful.

I smiled, "Maybe hopeless isn't a place, just a state of mind."

And state of minds change.

He didn't smile back at me, but his grip tightened on my hand as he looked towards the ocean again, mumbling a quiet, "I hope so."

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Translations:

• No! Déjala en paz! Ella necisito esto. → No! Leave her alone! She needs this.

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welcome to act two aka my favorite act because writing it was so fun. u get a little peek into how mona and oscar's relationship came to be, how it was and how it deteriorated. enjoyyyy!

i even threw a little bit of a halsey reference into this one.
does this count as breaking the fourth wall??

↓ me writing the voicemails from mona's mother ↓

[really tho, i had tears in my eyes]