The End of Madhouse As I Knew It

Production continued on Nebula, and by the end of the year, it seemed like the end was within sight. We had fourteen tracks that we thought were good enough to be on the album, so the only thing left to do was finalizing the tracklist and finishing mixing and mastering the album. For a few short weeks, it seemed like Madhouse might make it out of the Nebula sessions unscathed.

In January, Robin, Kyle, Colin, and I met up to finalize the tracklist. We were planning to post the tracklist on our website to promote the album, but we needed to know what the tracklist was going to be first. "Why don't we just put all fourteen tracks on the album?" Kyle asked. "Then, all we have to do is decide the order."

"Fourteen tracks is way too long," I argued. "We need to cut at least one song."

"What should we cut?" Kyle asked. "All of the songs are good enough to make the album."

"I'm thinking that we should cut Hours and Hours," I suggested.

"No way," Robin said. "I worked hard on that song."

"I know, Robin," I said. "You would say that about every song you wrote."

"Of course, because I worked hard on this whole album," Robin said. "I don't want to see my work going to waste."

"We have to cut something," I said. "Do you want me to cut Black Hole instead?"

"You can't do that!" Robin exclaimed. "That's my favorite song on the album!"

"Then we should cut Hours and Hours," I said. "It's kind of album filler."

"Why don't we cut Missing You then?" Robin said. "We have too many love songs on this album, and Florence, Silver Lining, and Forever are all better than Missing You."

"I like Missing You!" I exclaimed. "What is Hours and Hours about anyways? I can't even tell!"

"It's about how constricted I feel whenever I'm with this stupid band!" Robin said. "I always work so hard on our music, and then you guys throw it out without even thinking! I'm sick of it!"

"Then why don't you quit?" I said, not even realizing what I had just said. Luckily, Robin didn't have time to respond before Kyle interrupted us.

"Calm down everyone," Kyle said. "We don't need to yell at each other over this. Why don't we just keep both?"

"That would make the album too long," Robin said.

"I agree with Robin," Colin said. "Nobody's going to listen to the whole album if it's that long."

"I think they would, but if you disagree, then that's fine," Kyle said. "If we have to cut a track, I would personally go with Hours and Hours. I'm sorry Robin, but Missing You is a better song. Besides, you worked on that song too."

"It wasn't my best work," Robin argued.

"I still think that we should keep Hours and Hours and cut Missing You," Colin said.

"Why don't we ask Alan what he thinks?" Kyle suggested. "He has the final say on the tracklist anyways."

"You know that Alan's taste in music is awful," Robin said. "He listens to all of this obscure indie rock for his job, but I saw him dancing around to a Kanye West song in his office once."

"I saw that too," I said. "It was kind of funny."

"Who else would we ask?" Kyle asked.

At that very moment, Miles entered the studio. "How is everything going in here?" he asked.

"Aren't you supposed to be working on the new Phantom Cat album?" I said.

"Yes, but both Alan and our new drummer are high out of their minds right now, so that's not working out too well," Miles said.

"Miles, can you do us a favor?" Kyle asked.

"Sure," Miles said as he adjusted his glasses. "What do you need me to do?"

"Listen to these two tracks, and tell me which one is better," Kyle said.

"Alright," Miles said. He put on a pair of headphones and started listening to Hours and Hours. "You guys are doing a nice job on this album. I love the guitar work on this track."

"Thanks Miles," Robin said.

Miles then listened to Missing You. "You sampled The Who?" Miles said. "That's so awesome! You have to put this on Nebula!"

"I think we have our answer," Kyle said.

"He's obviously biased," Robin said.

"Alan would have been worse," I reminded him.

A few hours later, we posted the finished tracklist on our website, despite Robin's anger over the omission of Hours and Hours. Thankfully, the album was almost done and we would be able to go on tour again once it was finished. One of the newer bands signed to Revelation Records, Hogwash Assassins, had already agreed to open for us on our next tour, so we would be able to leave on tour as soon as the album was released.

Robin and I had a dinner and movie date planned for the next week. I was quite excited to get away from the studio and have some time alone with Robin, but over the course of that week, Robin threw himself into working on Nebula. Most of the album was finished; however, Robin insisted on being involved in the production as much as possible. He spent nearly all of his free time in the studio, while Kyle, Colin, and I used our time at home to relax.

We had barely noticed it until that point, but a divide had emerged between Robin and the rest of Madhouse. At some point, Robin's musical interests had diverged from the rest of the band, or maybe he had always been the odd one out in Madhouse. Nevertheless, Madhouse wasn't as close as it used to be, and everyone could tell. Even Kyle seemed to notice that our band was falling apart.

On Friday night, I went to the restaurant that I was supposed to meet Robin at. He wasn't there when I arrived, so I took a table and waited for him. I ordered some food a while later, but he still didn't show up. After I finished my meal, I took out my phone and called Robin.

"Hello?" Robin said.

"Where are you?!" I asked him.

"I'm at the studio with Lizzie," Robin explained. "We're working on mixing Nebula. There's so many knobs and buttons, Bianca! It's so much fun!"

"I thought we were supposed to go on a date," I said.

There were a few seconds of silence, and then Robin said, "I'm sorry. I forgot about that."

"Seriously, Robin?" I said. "We talked about it yesterday."

"I've been really busy over the last few days," Robin said.

"I understand that, but it's not an excuse," I said.

"I'm sorry, Bianca!" Robin exclaimed.

"Can you come now?" I asked.

"I'm in the middle of this," Robin said. "Can I come in a few hours?"

"It's already 7:00!" I exclaimed. "I can't wait much longer."

"Then we'll have our date tomorrow," Robin said. "I promise I'll make this up to you after the album is over."

"We're touring after the album is over!" I exclaimed. "Do you really think there will be time to go on dates then?"

"We can make time," Robin said.

"That's harder than you think, Robin," I said.

"Bianca, can't you just let me focus on the music?" Robin said. "I'm trying to make sure that this album doesn't sound too loud, clipped, or overprocessed."

"Forget it, Robin," I said. "We'll talk later." I hung up, left the restaurant, and returned home, hoping that my relationship with Robin would work itself out eventually.

The next day, Robin and I barely spoke to each other. Neither of us knew what to say after our altercation the previous day. I was still angry at him for missing our date, and he was still mad at me for not caring enough about the production of Nebula. In fact, Robin and I avoided each other for most of the rest of the week. Our only interactions were about the music, and even those were quite bitter.

Around that time, I got a call from my parents. "You need to come home, Bianca," my mom said. "Your grandmother is very sick, and you should visit with her, at least for a few days."

When I got that call, I immediately booked a flight to Seattle and visited my grandmother only a few minutes later. As Mom had said, Grandma was too weak to move, and she could barely wrap her arms around me to give me a hug when I entered her room. "It's good to see you, Bianca," Grandma said softly.

"It's good to see you too, Grandma," I said.

"What's going on in California?" Grandma asked. "Are you still with that guitarist boy?"

"Yes, I am," I said. "I wanted to talk to you about him, by the way. I'm not sure if he's the right guy for me."

"Maybe that's true, and maybe it isn't," Grandma said. "Sometimes, you just have to let things go."

I sighed. "I suppose you're right, but I don't really want to let Robin go," I said. "He's such a sweet guy."

"Think about it for me," Grandma said.

"I will," I said.

"Do you still play the bass in that band?" Grandma asked.

"Of course I do," I said. "We're finishing up our second album."

Grandma smiled. "I'm so proud of you, Bianca," she said. "You've come so far."

The next day, Grandma passed away. I stayed in Washington for the funeral, and then returned to Los Angeles a short while later. I still missed Grandma when I returned, but I was glad that I had gotten a few final moments with her before she died.

Madhouse finished Nebula about a month after I returned, but it seemed as if Madhouse as I knew it was dead. The creative spark that had kept the band going since high school was gone, and I worried that my relationship would die with it. If nothing else, I prayed that Robin would still love me after everything that had happened with the band.