The Ballad of Eighteen Drummers

"Hey Bianca," Alan said when he spotted me during the party. "I'm going upstairs to play Truth or Dare. Do you want to come?"

"Who else is coming?" I asked.

"Just a few more of our friends," Alan answered.

"Can Robin come?" I asked.

Alan glanced over at Robin, who was holding my hand. "I didn't invite you," Alan said.

"Kyle said I could come," Robin said.

"I don't care what Kyle said," Alan said. "He's not the one throwing this party. Where's Miles? He said that he wanted to play Truth or Dare, but now I can't find him."

"I think I saw him with AJ on the dance floor," I said.

Alan shook his head. "I never invited AJ either," Alan said. "He's the reason why I had such a hard time finding a bartender for tonight." Alan then shouted across the dancefloor, "Miles! Let's go upstairs!"

A few minutes later, Miles rushed over to where we were. Alan also rounded up Abby, Kyle, Byron, and Jesse, and the seven of us went upstairs to play Truth or Dare. "You know, I should just make a list of people you guys aren't allowed to invite," Alan said. "I'm sick of having AJ showing up to my parties, and I can't believe that Kyle had the nerve to invite Robin. He's not even signed to Revelation Records anymore!"

"Robin's still our friend," Kyle argued.

"So is AJ," Miles said. "You invited Byron's wife, so why can't I bring my boyfriend?"

"You know why I don't want AJ at my parties," Alan said.

All of us entered one of Alan's five unused bedrooms and then sat in a circle. "Byron, why don't you start?" Alan said.

"Truth or dare?" Byron asked me.

"Dare," I said.

"Play Florence," Byron said.

"No way," I said. "I'm not playing that song, even if it's just for you guys. Can I pick truth?"

"That one was kind of mean," Kyle said.

"That's the point," Byron said. "Just do it, Bianca."

"No," I said. "Can I please have a truth question?"

"Sure," Byron said. "Who is the most attractive person in this room?"

"Alan, obviously," I said. "Kyle, truth or dare?"

"Dare," Kyle said.

I paused for a moment, trying to think of a good dare for my former bandmate. "I think I might have some eyeliner in my purse," I said. "I dare you to put it on."

"Alright," Kyle said. "I've never put on guyliner before, but I'll see how it goes." Kyle left the room for a few minutes and then came back wearing eyeliner.

Byron chuckled. "You look like a raccoon, Kyle," he said.

"I don't know," Abby said. "I think he looks nice."

"I want to try now!" Alan exclaimed.

"Wait until it's your turn," Kyle said.

All of a sudden, a familiar song began to play from the first floor.

If she wants to dance and drink all night

Well, there's no one that can stop her

She's going till the house lights come up or her stomach spills onto the floor

This night is gonna end when we're damn well ready for it to be over

Worked all week long, now the music is playing on our time

Yeah, we do what we do to get by, and then we need a release

It was clear that Robin's songs were finally playing, and I was sure that Robin was having a good time on the dancefloor, but on the second floor, we could barely hear each other speak. "Alan, truth or dare?" Kyle shouted over the music.

"Normally I prefer dares, but everyone else has said dare so far, so I'll go with truth," Alan said.

"Have you dated more women or has Phantom Cat had more drummers?" Kyle asked.

It was a good question, and it was a question that Alan had to think about for a while. "Miles?" he eventually asked. "How many drummers have we had?"

"Eighteen," Miles answered.

"I've definitely dated more than eighteen women," Alan said. "In fact, I probably dated eighteen girls before I was out of high school. Jesse, truth or dare?"

"Dare," Jesse said.

"Go downstairs and make sure that my party playlist is still going," Alan said.

"That's not even a dare," Jesse said.

"Don't question me, Jesse," Alan said. "I need someone to get that done."

"Fine," Jesse said. "I'll do it." He went downstairs, and returned a few minutes later, after the music had changed back to electro-pop. "Robin Stanley changed the music, so I changed it back."

"That's what I thought," Alan said.

"Miles, truth or dare?" Jesse said.

"Truth," Miles said.

"What happened to all of Phantom Cat's drummers?" Jesse asked.

"It's a bit of a long story," Miles said. "I'll tell it if you want me to though."

"I've never heard it before," I said. "Please tell it."

"Okay," Miles said. "Our first drummer was a guy named Nick that I was in jazz band with in college. We had just started Phantom Cat, and Alan and I desperately needed a drummer, so we hired him."

"What happened to him?" Kyle asked.

"He left after California Sun was released," Miles said. "Nick didn't like the fame all that much, but he quit on good terms. I still talk to him occasionally. Our second drummer didn't last as long. Alan kicked him out after less than a year in the band."

"Why did he kick him out?" I asked.

"I don't remember," Miles said. "Our third drummer didn't last very long either. He insulted Byron's favorite TV show, so he kicked him out."

"I still don't get it," Byron said. "How can you hate Firefly? It's such a brilliant show!"

"I think it was a bit of an overreaction," Miles said as the music downstairs changed back to punk. This time, Alan didn't send Jesse back down to change it.

"It was not!" Byron argued.

"Let's just keep going," Miles said. "Gabe Mirtenbaum was our next drummer. He left Phantom Cat to start a cult, so we replaced him with Isaac, who mysteriously disappeared while we were in Shanghai. After that, we hired Rex Bloodwood as our new drummer."

"I feel like I recognize that name," Jesse said.

"He's the Weekend Slayer," Byron said.

"Wait, what?" Jesse said. "You had a serial killer in your band?!"

"I was just about to get to that part," Miles said. "Obviously, we didn't know that he was a serial killer when we hired him, but when we found out, we kicked him out of the band and sent him to the police. We then hired Scott."

"What happened to him?" Jesse asked nervously.

"He died of a drug overdose while we were recording our third album," Miles said. "That was around the time we sent Alan off to rehab, so Byron and I destroyed the tapes for the album and recorded Battleground from scratch with just the two of us. I played drums on that album, actually."

"I'm still mad at you about that," Alan said.

"I know," Miles said. "However, we realized that we would need a drummer for the Battleground tour, so we hired Donny. We found out a while later that he worked for the FBI and he was spying on us. Needless to say, we kicked him out after we found out about that. We hired another drummer after Donny, but Alan kicked him out pretty quickly. They got into an argument over which pair of sunglasses Alan should wear onstage."

"That's a stupid reason to kick someone out of a band," Jesse said.

"You should hear about the drummer after him then," Miles said. "He crashed his car into a swing set and died."

Jesse's jaw dropped open. "How is that even possible?" he asked.

"I don't know," Miles said. "He was a really bad driver."

"No kidding," Jesse said.

"Roger actually lasted almost two years," Miles said. "That's a long time, given this band's track record with drummers. He left when he found some rather...explicit fanfiction about him and Alan."

"I hope nobody ever writes fanfiction about me," Jesse said.

"I wouldn't trust this fandom," Byron said. "There was a particularly messed up fanfiction once involving Miles, Alan, a shark, and a potato."

"Don't remind me," Miles said.

"I loved that fic!" Alan exclaimed. "#PotatoSharkMalan trended on Twitter for a whole nineteen minutes!"

Miles shook his head and continued his story. "Our next drummer was Nikki Arnold, our one and only female drummer," he said. "Alan kept flirting with her, so she quit the band. I personally don't blame her. Anyways, we hired a new drummer, but he didn't last too long."

"What happened to him?" Jesse asked.

"He had a heart attack and died when I told him what happened to everybody else," Miles said.

"I might just have a heart attack too," Jesse said.

"Don't worry, I'm almost done," Miles said. "I don't really remember much about the guy after him. He only lasted twenty minutes. We then hired Terry, but he was on a whole lot of drugs, so Byron and I kicked him out. Then, we had Dave, but he died in a freak gardening accident."

"Are you sure this job isn't cursed or something?" Jesse said.

"I'm sure," Miles said. "Karim was our next drummer, and you all remember what happened to him. Then, we hired Jesse, and he's still our drummer. There you go. That's what happened to all eighteen of our drummers."

"That's insane," I said.

Miles shrugged. "It's just part of being in Phantom Cat," he said. "Maybe Jesse will last though."

"I doubt it," Byron mumbled.

All of a sudden, the music changed again. I heard a familiar instrumental, and then the lyrics began.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

It was the song that Robin and I had picked out as our song all of those years ago. "I have to go," I told the group, and I went downstairs to find Robin. This was our song, and I had to be with him while our song played.