LA Traffic and Elevator Abuse

Alan and I were waiting for the car in front of us to move when he reached over and repeatedly honked the horn. When the car failed to move, Alan rolled down the window and screamed, "GET OUT OF THE WAY! THE LIGHT IS GREEN!"

"Alan, calm down," I said as I rolled the window back down.

"I won't calm down!" Alan said. "Traffic is the worst, especially since we're already late."

"You should have considered that when you refused to wake up for work," I said. "It's your fault that we're late."

"No, it's your fault," Alan said. "You should have come to wake me up earlier."

I rolled my eyes. "You should learn how to use an alarm clock instead of relying on your girlfriend," I said.

The car in front of us finally moved, and I sped down the highway, hoping that we wouldn't be caught in any more traffic. Unfortunately, we were in three more traffic jams before we reached the studio. Alan continued to yell at various drivers, while I ignored him and kept driving. We were nearly two hours late by the time Alan and I reached the studio.

I pulled into a spot in the front that said, "Reserved for Revelation Records Artists." In reality, everyone knew that the spot was reserved for Alan, so the spot was empty despite the fact that both Phantom Cat and National Nightmare were recording that day. Alan climbed out of the car, adjusted his sunglasses, and opened the door to the Revelation Records building.

Miles, Byron, and Karim were all waiting for Alan in the lobby when we arrived. "What took you so long?" Miles asked.

"We got stuck in traffic," I explained. "Are you ready to record?"

"No," Alan said.

"I'm ready," Karim said.

"Me too," Miles said.

Byron nodded as well. "Bianca, do you have anything else going on today?" Byron asked.

"No," I said. "Why do you ask?"

"Could you come into the studio with us to make sure that Alan behaves?" Byron asked. "That would be really nice."

"I suppose I could do that," I said, although I didn't love the idea of babysitting my boyfriend.

"Thanks Bianca," Byron said.

The five of us walked to the elevator, and Karim pushed the button. The elevator, however, didn't come. "COME ON, ELEVATOR!" Alan shouted as he pushed the button over and over again.

Byron shook his head. "That's not going to help, Alan," he said.

"Yes it will," Alan said as he continued to push the button. When the elevator still wouldn't come, he started banging on the elevator door. "OPEN UP OR ELSE!"

This continued for another ten minutes, and I began to see why Alan might need someone to help him in the studio. It was unbelievable how impatient Alan could be sometimes, and recording an album definitely required patience.

Eventually, Miles arrived with a maintenance woman. "I didn't even see you leave," I said.

Miles shrugged, and the maintenance woman said, "The elevator was stuck on the fourth floor, and it will be fixed in just a minute."

"Thank you," I said. We waited for just a little bit longer, and the elevator eventually arrived on the first floor. All five of us stepped into the elevator, and we went up to the third floor.

The Revelation Records Studio was a familiar place to me at that point. I had recorded four albums there, along with a song from Phantom Cat's sophomore album where I was featured, and everything about the studio was exactly how I remembered it. When Revelation Records first started out, the studio was bare, but over the years, it had been decorated by everyone who had been involved with the label. In fact, I could recognize a spot on the back wall where I had (rather poorly) painted a kitten, right next to where Robin had painted a rather elaborate interpretation of a Ramones album cover. Part of Robin's painting had been covered up by other doodles, but I could still see part of it.

As I was admiring the studio, Miles plugged in his newly purchased Telecaster and began to warm up. Byron did the same with his ancient but heavily decorated electric bass, and Karim started setting up the drum set. Only Alan remained in his seat, looking like he was about to fall asleep again. "Shouldn't you be setting up your instrument?" I asked him.

"I forgot my guitar at home," Alan said.

"That's okay," Miles said. "There are extra guitars in the back."

"I need my Custom Alan Rodriguez guitar!" Alan complained.

"Bring it next time," Miles said. "We're probably only going to be recording demos today anyways."

"Fine," Alan grumbled. He went into the back room and took out a cheap guitar, which he then plugged in and tuned.

Byron glanced over at me. "Wait a second," he said. "Didn't we have a rule about no girlfriends in the studio?"

"You were the one who invited me," I said. "Also, I think everyone's broken that rule by now."

"I haven't," Miles said.

"Me neither," Karim said.

"Miles, you've had boyfriends in the studio," Byron said. "I think that counts."

"I suppose so," Miles said.

"Karim, the only reason you haven't broken it is because you've been in the band for less than a year," Byron said. "Bianca's kind of right though. We've been terrible about following that rule."

"We really have," Miles said. He shrugged and said, "I came up with a few song ideas. Do you guys want to hear them?"

"Sure," Byron said.

Miles strummed a few chords on his Telecaster, and then started singing. The song turned out to be about California, like most of Phantom Cat's output, but it was surprisingly catchy.

Byron rolled his eyes. "I don't like it," he said. "Next."

Miles spiraled through what must have been at least another album's worth of songs, moving from the Telecaster to an acoustic guitar to a piano in the back of the room. The melodies and chord progressions varied immensely, but almost all of the songs were about the same thing: California. The only song that wasn't about California was about politics, and the entire rest of the band vetoed that song almost immediately.

"Nobody wants to hear my band sing about Syria, Miles," Alan said.

Miles groaned, and Byron said, "Just play the next song." Miles played one last song, and as expected, it was about California again. As the song ended, Byron shouted, "We don't need another song about California!"

"You haven't even heard the LA Traffic Song yet!" Miles said.

"Wait, you wrote an LA Traffic Song?" Byron said. "I have to hear this."

Miles ran over to the piano, and started playing The LA Traffic Song, which was exactly what it sounded like: a heartfelt ballad about the pain of being stuck in traffic in Los Angeles. By the time Miles got to the second chorus, Byron was improvising bass notes to go along with the piano chords.

"That was brilliant, Miles," Byron said. "It has to go on the album."

"Really?" Miles said. "I wrote that as a joke."

"It's hilarious," Byron said. "We'll make it a hidden track."

Miles shrugged. "That's fine with me, but we need some material for the album itself," he said. "Do you have anything?"

"I sure do," Byron said. He picked up his bass, and began to play through several of his compositions. Miles rejected the first song and Karim rejected the second, but both of them seemed to like the third song.

"The riff might work better if you added a little bit of distortion," Miles suggested.

Byron nodded and tried the distorted riff. "I don't know," he said. "Alan? What do you think?"

Alan didn't respond. Despite all of the noise, he had fallen asleep. "Alan, wake up!" I said.

"What is it?" he asked.

Byron played the riff once again. "Do you like this riff better with or without distortion?" he asked.

"I don't care," Alan said.

"That's not helpful," Byron said. "How about this? We'll record the demo twice, once with distortion and once without, and we'll decide on which version we like better."

"That sounds good," Miles said.

"I like that idea too," Karim said.

Phantom Cat spent the next few hours recording demos of the LA Traffic Song, as well as a few other songs. "You were right, Miles," Byron said when they finished. "Welcome To My World does sound better with the distorted riff."

"I actually like it better without the distortion," Karim said.

"The version without the distortion is starting to grow on me too," Miles said. "Alan? What do you think?"

"Both versions sound fine," Alan said. "It's just one effect. What's the big deal?"

"Are you serious, Alan?" Miles said. "It changes the sound of the song entirely. Bianca? Which one do you like better?"

"I like it without the distortion," I said.

"There you go," Karim said. "We're not distorting the riff. Can we get lunch now? I'm hungry."

"Sure," Miles said. "We'll record more after lunch."

All of us left to get lunch, and after some arguing, we decided to get pizza. When we arrived at the pizzeria, however, I began to worry about the album. I hoped that Phantom Cat's other recording sessions wouldn't be this chaotic, but I couldn't guarantee that Alan would contribute. It might be a while before this album comes out, I thought as I sat down next to Alan and ordered a cheese pizza. Unfortunately, I was far too involved in Phantom Cat's recording process already, and I was certain that it would only get worse.