How To Get A 0% on Rotten Tomatoes Without Really Trying

Throughout the spring, Madhouse continued to work on our upcoming album. By April, we had a handful of songs, but we still didn't have a proper album put together, nor did we have any consensus over style and direction. Eventually, Kyle suggested that we meet up at the studio to determine where this unnamed sophomore album was going.

"I don't even know why we're having this discussion," Robin said. "I've written seven songs for this album already, and I think they're all pretty good. Why don't we just make a few more songs like those and then finish the album?"

I rolled my eyes. Robin had been spending a lot of the time in the studio, at the expense of our relationship. He had even cancelled date night a few times to make more time for his music. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Robin," I said.

"It's a great idea," Colin said.

"I was actually considering doing a space-themed concept album," Kyle suggested. "A few of the songs we've written as a group could work for that."

"I like that idea," I said. "Let's do that."

"What about the songs I already recorded?" Robin asked.

"I don't think Robin's songs would fit into the album you have planned," Colin commented.

"I've got it," Kyle said. "Robin, you can have one song to do whatever you want. You can even sing lead if you'd like."

"I have no idea how I'm going to fit all of my song concepts into one song," Robin said. "I also don't like my singing voice."

"You should give it a try," Kyle said. "I'm sure you're a perfectly fine singer."

"I'll try, but don't expect anything as good as Bianca's singing," Robin said.

A few days later, the four of us went into the studio to work on the album, which Kyle had decided to name Nebula. When we got there, Robin explained that he had written a song that could go on the album. "It's called Black Hole," Robin explained. "I compiled some of the better sections of the songs I wrote on my own, and I rewrote the lyrics so they fit the album."

"Just play the song," Colin said.

Robin started strumming on his guitar, and he played a fast, angry punk song. After a while of Robin showing off his guitar skills, he began to sing. Robin's singing voice had changed quite a bit since the last time I had heard it, and to everyone's surprise, it wasn't nearly as bad as he had claimed. He wasn't a magnificent singer, but he could carry a tune, and that was what mattered.

"Obviously, Bianca should sing this," Robin said when he was finished.

"No, you should sing it," I said. "It's your song, so you should do it."

"Fine," Robin grumbled. Kyle, Robin, and Colin recorded their parts after that, but since I didn't have anything to sing, I was left out. With Colin playing the bass, I felt like an outsider in my own band.

Once we were done, someone barged into the studio, despite a sign on the door that said that we were recording. I turned around and saw that Alan and the rest of Phantom Cat had returned from their tour. "Hey guys!" Alan said. "I have big news!"

"Did you propose to Kaylee Kartrashian yet?" Kyle asked.

"Yes, but more importantly, I got the lead role in Invasion of the Killer Platypus!" Alan exclaimed.

"Congratulations Alan," I said.

"Why would you want to be in a movie called Invasion of the Killer Platypus?" Robin asked.

"Don't criticize it," Alan said. "It's going to be brilliant. You're all going to watch it when it comes out, right?"

"Of course," I lied. I usually didn't have much interest in Hollywood, but I definitely had no intention of seeing a movie titled Invasion of the Killer Platypus, even if it starred the man who ran my record label.

"Excellent," Alan said. "I'm so glad that I have your support. Byron already said that he probably wouldn't be able to come. He has his own wedding to plan, after all."

"I didn't know that Byron was getting married too," I said.

"Yeah, he proposed to Sara while he was on break during the tour," Alan said. "We're trying to schedule the two weddings so that they're not too close to each other. Anyways, I should get some beauty rest. I'm filming the movie tomorrow, so wish me luck!"

"Good luck, Alan," I said as he left the room. After that, we tried to write another song, but it didn't quite work out. We couldn't agree on lyrics, so we left a little early and decided to work on the album another day.

Madhouse worked hard on Nebula throughout the summer, but it still didn't seem to be coming any closer to completion. By August, we were less than halfway finished, with a huge amount of perfectly good demos that were going unused because of disagreements between the band members.

Meanwhile, I received invitations to both Byron and Sara's wedding and Alan and Kaylee's wedding. Thankfully, I was able to attend both, even though they were only two days apart. Robin and Kyle agreed to attend both weddings as well. After all, we did need to support our Revelation Records labelmates.

While I was waiting for the rest of the band to show up for a recording session one day, I flipped through a newspaper. Amongst stories about politics, Hurricane Katrina, and a serial killer roaming through the LA area who the authorities had dubbed "The Weekend Slayer" because he only killed on weekends, I found a review of the newly released Invasion of the Killer Platypus. The article was rather unsurprisingly titled "Invasion of the Killer Platypus Falls Flat," and the reviewer had given the movie only one star. The first sentence of the review then claimed that "This movie doesn't even deserve one star. It's easily one of the worst films of the year, if not all time."

I had barely started reading the review when Kyle, Colin, and Robin entered the room. "Have you guys seen Alan's movie yet?" Kyle asked.

"I don't intend to see it," I said.

"I doubt I'll see it either," Robin said.

"I don't know," Colin said. "Should I see it?"

Kyle laughed. "If you're looking for a good movie, this isn't it," he said. "It's pretty funny though. The plot made no sense, Alan clearly can't act, and the special effects were awful."

"I heard it got a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes," Robin said.

"I believe it," Kyle said. "It was just hilarious watching everything about this movie fail on every single level."

"I could imagine, but I prefer to watch movies that are actually good," I said.

"I'm not seeing it," Colin determined. It may have been the only thing I have ever agreed with him about.

The four of us started working on the album, and as usual, we got nowhere. As I thought about Invasion of the Killer Platypus, I couldn't help but wonder if Nebula would have the same fate. If a movie featuring Alan Rodriguez, one of the most famous people in music, could fail, then Nebula certainly could, especially if we took too long to make it. Alan wasn't invincible, and unfortunately, neither were we.

It was at that moment that I realized the cruel nature of fame. We had experienced a taste of fame after our debut was released, but soon, the public's attention would turn elsewhere, and we would be nothing more than washed up celebrities struggling for attention. A mistake like Invasion of the Killer Platypus might not kill Alan's career, with his engagement to Kaylee Kartrashian and multiple hit singles, but it could easily kill ours. If nothing else, Alan's failure proved that Madhouse needed to be careful with our next move.