Sandy: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: [to lifeguard] Come closer. [a divine light shines on him] I need... I need...

Lifeguard: What do you need? [tears come to the lifeguard's and Sandy's eyes]

SpongeBob: [Close up of SpongeBob's mouth] A tailor. [the light turns off, accompanied by a light switch] Because I ripped my pants! [he laughs. The lifeguard takes a serious face, drops SpongeBob, and the crowd surrounding him walks off, angrily. SpongeBob is left alone and Sandy walks up to him angry]

Sandy: That wasn't funny, SpongeBob! Y'all had me worried sick![she walks off. Scooter walks towards SpongeBob and looks at him sadly]

Scooter: Dude... [he walks off. Cut to a dressing tent, with SpongeBob inside]

SpongeBob: Come on, SpongeBob, you're losing them! Think! Your public's waiting.  Let's see... [checking them off a list] "Lifting weights - big laugh," "Frisbee in face - kills," "Surfing - knocks 'em dead," "Pretending to drown," [he uses his pencil to write the word "NO" and circle it] NO. Come on, think! I got it! Hey, everybody! [he runs out of the dressing tent] Not ripped pants! [he tears his pants off] Pants ripped off. Huh? Someone call the police. There's a pants thief on the loose! [the wind howls, SpongeBob standing alone on the beach. A tumbleweed rolls by. SpongeBob turns and hears party music at a distance, and sees Larry and Sandy playing volleyball] Oh, no, everybody's gone, even Sandy. She'd rather hang out with Larry! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [SpongeBob lies on the beach] We blew it, pants.

Pants: What do you mean, "we?" [the pants walk off.]

SpongeBob: Oh, I didn't have to be a fool to get Sandy's attention. Am I the biggest loser on the beach?! [Millie walks up to SpongeBob, shining red]

Millie: No, I am. I forgot to put on sunscreen. [she places a fin on herself, and it leaves a sounding mark, which vanishes]

SpongeBob: Ouch.

Fish: No, I am. I got sand in my buns. [he shows them two sandy hamburger buns. There is a rumbling coming from the sand and a whale pops his head out of the sand]

Whale: No, I'm the biggest loser on the beach. They buried me in the sand and forgot me.

All: What happened to you?

SpongeBob: I lost my best friend.

All: How? [SpongeBob grabs a sand guitar and sings]

SpongeBob: When I ripped... [rips his underwear] my pants. [he starts to sing] I thought that I had everybody by my side, but I went and blew it all sky-high, and now she won't even spare a passing glance, all just because I [rips his underwear again] ripped my pants. [the other three "losers of the beach" assemble on a sand stage with sand instruments and sing]

All: ♪When big Larry came round just to put him down, SpongeBob turned into a clown, and no girl ever wants to dance with a fool who went and [Millie turns around with her behind towards the camera. Suddenly, her bottom then rips, splitting open, revealing her white underwear] ripped his pants!♪

SpongeBob: [singing voice, a crowd begins to gather] ♪I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse, but the pain feels so much worse. 'Cause winding up with no one is a lot less fun than a burn from the sun...♪

All: ♪Or sand in your buns!♪ [instrumental break. The sandy bun fish scrapes the two buns together to make a rhythm then the curtain shows waves crashing about]

SpongeBob: ♪Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget... so listen and you won't regret. Be true to yourself; don't miss your chance... and you won't end up like the fool... who... ripped... his... pants!♪ [the whole group comes together one by one in sync with the music and they rip their pants. By now, a huge crowd has gathered and is cheering the group onstage. A blimp flies by with SpongeBob's name on it. It's revealed that SpongeBob and his band were having a concert.]

Sandy: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Sandy! [she gets onstage and hugs SpongeBob. He returns the embrace]

Sandy: Your song is true. If y'all want to be my friend, just be yourself.

~Colette ☄