The nebulizer hums and drones on. I stare at the multi colored tiny palm prints that decorate the room I am in. Breathe in. Breath out. The fumes I exhale from the transparent blue mask covering half my face fogs my glasses dissuading my focus from the tiny children palm prints that decorated the white ceiling in various colors. I scowl. 

The Ventolin I am respiring from the mask connected to the nebulizer is making me edgy and shaky as usual. My side effect to the drug. I am beyond irritated. I get up shakily taking care not to move the see through light blue mask. My vision swims for a few seconds and steadies again. I reach for my phone at the small table beside the bed I am on in the ER and wince as something painful digs into my hand making me look down. Of course. 

How could I fail to notice the IV stuck deep inside my skin? I eye the half finished drip almost sure it contains some antibiotics after all am sure it's a lung infection that landed me here today. I look at the portable heart monitor that was hooked to my middle finger on my left hand beeping steadily. I rip it off. 

I am thoroughly tempted to rip the IV out too but they would just hook me to new one. I hate this place. I reach for my phone again placing my finger on the back scanner and the screen flashes open.3 missed calls from my boyfriend and its 4pm. Okay that's just fucking great. When did I pass out? I really don't remember. 

I close my eyes and try to remember. University. Discomfort in my chest. My inhaler was not helping much.  And She rushed to the university clinic to try get me some painkillers. My vision blurred and I surely must have passed out there by missing the first day of orientation week. I open my eyes my groaning. I had prepared so much for this day. 

I am still in my dark blue jeans, long sleeved peach camisole with my heavy woolen brown sweater and cream scarf. I start loosening the scarf angrily though I know its not the scarf's fault am here. Why did I have to live such a life? Tears prick my eyes. I blink them back in anger. Why didn't I just die? Why did they always have to bring me back?

 The nebulizer shuddered as it emptied the last of the Ventolin into my lungs. I took the blue transparent mask off and tossed it aside on the bed  taking in a huge gulp of fresh clear unmedical air......well as much unmedical air as a hospital allows.

 Nurse Kathy walks in wearing pink pattern scrubs. She beams when she sees me sitting up and very much awake. she always ignore my unpleasant scowls.
"Jasmin you are awake. That's good. You had all of us worried" She beams as she checks and switches off the nebulizer after confirming all the drug is inside me now.

"Ever a pleasure to see you Kathy. How long was I out?" I roll my eyes.

"They brought you in three hours ago" Her eyes beam.
Oh great. I was AWOL for three hours. I missed the great orientation feast. And am sure I know well who brought me here. Kathy moves to the drip to check its content and notices my trembling frame. She silently hooks the portable heart monitor to my trembling finger again.

 "Where was your inhaler Jasmin?" She asks silently as she fumbles with the blue mask to take it for disinfecting. Her short braids visible through the silk veil she's wearing.

 "I must have forgotten it at home." I shrug nonchalantly. She gives me a stern stare.

"Alright she must have it with my bag pack." Great here comes the mother lecture. But she just stares at me her lips pressed into a thin line.

 "I'll go tell the doctor you are awake." With that she leaves me in the empty ER feeling extremely guilty and forlorn. I sigh in resignation and look at the familiar pattern of palm prints I have grown accustomed to for the past seven years as I tremble with the medicine circulating inside my veins urging my sick lungs to do their work and keep me alive hopefully. 

I close my eyes and wait gloomily for the Pediatrician I have been seeing since I was eleven to come and hopefully I'll leave this forsaken place tonight.
"You look well today Jasmin" Dr Moon's voice jolts me back. I guess I had dozed off. I give him a small smile. He moves in front of me with a stethoscope Kathy following closely behind him. She avoids my gaze. I know she hates seeing me like this.

I quickly discard my sweater as Dr Moon presses the stethoscope to my chest  well I take out only the arm with no cannula and scarf to make this examination fast. I remain in the camisole. Iwear way too many clothes. He listens to me breathe for a minute. He then moves it to below my collar bone.
"Take a deep breath and hold it in." He instructs his brows knitting together in a frown.

I do as instructed. As I feel am going to burst from the lack of breath he tells me to release it and I gratefully do. He moves the scope to my back and tells me to repeat the procedure. I do. He takes his time listening to my damaged lungs with fascination. After a century of him moving the scope all over my back and chest expertly avoiding my boobs he finishes.

"Do you feel any pain?" His gaze never faltering.

"No" I steadily lie. He smiles and he places one hand on my shoulder and gently probes below my sternum gently whereupon I hiss taking in a pained gasp. Of course he knows. There's always no use lying. He smiles sadly at me.

"I always want to make you better. With no pain. Stop being hard on yourself." He writes down something and passes it on to Kathy who nods once and silently exits the room.

"Thanks doc" I mutter silently looking at my trembling hands cursing.

"The side effects will pass after two hours. Get some sleep and food when you get home. Greet your father for me." He briefly checks my IV and takes his leave to fill in my prescriptions presumably.

The door opens and I know it's him without even looking.
"How did you know?"
Dave comes in and sits besides me. He's been our driver for ages, despite being twenty five he looks younger.

 "She called me of  your father and of course he sent me."
As usual. He never has the time. I sigh loudly. Dave holds my hand without the yellow cannula in both his. They are warm. I sigh and lean against him drawing in his warmth and strength.
Despite the seven year age gap between us, he's the only person who gets me and I grew to love his companionship in the lonely alien world I live in. Well its not quite lonely with her in it.

"I thought I had lost you today. You were barely breathing and so pale when I got to you. Almost lifeless."
I don't answer back but I feel him staring at me. A single braid has fallen out of the hair tie, it blurs my vision. I don't know how I can tell him that he should have left me to die. He loves me very much like a little sister. It would kill him. 

How can I tell him I want to die? That I already have mostly given up on life? Thank fully I don't and Katthy comes back bustling in with a huge paper bag full of my prescriptions. I momentarily see a box of CEF-4 and wince. I guess there's Montelocaust buried in there too. She gives them to Dave who promises I shall take every single last one.

The drip is finished and she takes the cannula out of me. Dave helps me off the bed gently and helps me in to my black sneakers, jumper and finally does my scarf. It's like a second nature. He's so used to this, taking care of me and I feel a pang of pain race in my chest when I take a step. Kathy is immediately by my side. 

There's a sheen of cold sweat on my forehead and I must look sickly and pale. Am shaking right to my knees. Dave grabs the medicine pack, pockets my phone, takes my glasses off and slides a hand around my waist supporting all my weight. I take a tentative step and another. Like that, slowly we make it outside to the parking lot of Mead Medical Center towards the imposing black Ford. Dave effortlessly presses a button and the car automatically opens and am met with a sight. 

Brother dearest is napping his mouth wide open drooling in best friend lovliest's hair. An earthquake has nothing on his snoring. I snort out laughing which wakes the two of them.

"Jazz you are up." My bestfriend is at my side in a flash checking if am intact. she must be exhausted.

"Stop fussing Yazz am alright but you have a little something in your hair" She sticks her hand in her hair as Dave dumps the stuff he's holding in first and then carries me strapping me with the seatbelt on the passenger side. He the inclines the seat a bit to make me more comfortable. I smile gratefully at him. Yasmin screams chasing my younger brother around brandishing an umbrella. i chuckle tiredly as Dave manages to restore balance.

The golden evening sun falls on my face and am grateful for it's warmth. I catch my reflection in the side mirror. My braids are loose in the green hair tie. My large normally white eyes look somehow red, swollen and puffy. My face is hollow and sunken. My brown skin is pale. I look horrible. I inwardly groan. 

Dave starts up the car and pulls up the windows as we hit the dust road. He doesn't want me having another asthma attack because of the dust. He shifts through the radio stations till he lands on my favorite station in an attempt to drown the bickering between Yasmin and my younger brother in the back. Capital Radio. 

Coincidentally If I die Young by Band Perry filters through the speakers and fills the leather brown interior of the car as I appreciate the death march song. I heave contentedly. As the chorus blazes, we hit the main road into the dense evening traffic. I long to go back to our shared apartment with Yasmin. it eels like home.

"Hey wanna grab some ice cream first?" I look at him. He's smiling.

"But the good Doctor always cautions me against ice cream" I place my hand upon my chest in mock horror. 

"It will be our little secret" He whispers conspiratorially. Of course he knows I can never say no. For the first time this evening, I genuinely smile.