❛ It's just that I fell in love with a war nobody told me it ended, and it left a pearl in my head. ❜

SEASON 1, EPISODE 4
vatos

━━━━━━ July 29, 2010

BIANCA WAS LYING IN the grass at camp staring at the blue sky. No clouds were in sight, and the sun was beaming down on her. She'd noticed Carl and Lori getting red, but she soaked in the warmth. Without sunscreen available, she couldn't worry too much about it. She was more worried about the walkers than skin cancer. Maybe cancer would be more forgiving these days.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca had been sewing up clothes with Lori and Carol (who couldn't even look her in the eye after the quarry incident). Lori must have felt that tension and let her take a break. She didn't stray far. Taking a pile of clothes and a sewing kit with her to pick up after a while. If Carol didn't want Bianca around that was fine by her. She could do the things needed to be done alone.

⠀⠀⠀However, right now, her mind was only filled with the sky, the warm breeze, and the smell of dirt and still water. She hadn't felt calm a day since she'd made it to camp—since her family died—but staring at the sky calmed her. It was blue, piercing, and reminded her of him.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca wondered if Cal was out there somewhere lying on his back and thinking of her, too. A part of her hoped he was. The intrusive thoughts bottling up her mind hoped he wasn't. If he was, he might be dead. Injured and about to die, lying on his back with his arm ripped off, or his stomach opened to the entrails, and—

⠀⠀⠀The pungent smell of fish invaded Bianca's senses. She was thankful for it. She sat up, almost desperately, and saw Andrea and Amy returning from the quarry with a string of a dozen fish.

⠀⠀⠀Morales' laugh filled the air as he came jogging past with a broad smile and took the fish from their hands.

⠀⠀⠀"Oh, baby! Will you look at that? Hey, check it out!" Morales cheered. "Ladies, because of you, my children will eat tonight. Thank you."

⠀⠀⠀"Thank Dale," Andrea told Morales with a smile. "It's his canoe and gear."

⠀⠀⠀Lori, Carl, and Amy continued to talk about where the sisters learned to fish and if Carl could learn from Amy. They were talking animatedly, smiles that hadn't been on anyone's faces in a while.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, Dale," Andrea called to the man walking over to them with an odd expression on his face. "When's the last time you oiled those line reels? They are a disgrace."

⠀⠀⠀Dale was easy to amuse, but his face was drawn into a severe question, and he ignored her where he usually wouldn't. His brows were furrowed, and he looked skittishly over the group.

⠀⠀⠀"I, uh, I don't wanna alarm anyone," Dale began, his words hanging in the air, catching everyone's attention. "But we may have a bit of a problem."

⠀⠀⠀Dale turned, pointing toward a cliff where one of the men, Jim, was digging holes.

━━━━━━ June 13, 2010

BIANCA AND HER FAMILY had been holed up in her dad's house for two weeks now. They thought it would end by now—the dead coming back to life—but nothing stopped. It only became worse. They had watched the President get torn apart on live television, and now the same static came across every channel. Nothing was playing except pre-recorded emergency broadcasts.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca's mom tried to make her feel better with the idea of them spending one-on-one time with each other for the night. Bianca knew it was in case something happened. They could look back on this night and remember that they had one last conversation.

⠀⠀⠀"Now, c'mon," Laura cooed, trying to keep a cheery disposition up for her daughter. "I know it's been a while since we've last done this, but I miss talking to you."

⠀⠀⠀Her mom looked beyond exhausted. The candle sitting on their table flickered and cast long shadows down the length of her face. The wrinkles seemed to age her over the past couple of weeks being holed up in the house. The stress, the worry, the rationing was getting to all of them. However, for her mom, Bianca didn't know if the stress came from the flesh-eating freaks outside or being stuck with her ex-husband's house.

⠀⠀⠀"What's there to talk about?" Bianca asked under her breath. "It's the end of the world."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca's hands were spread out on the table as her mom painted them black. She had begged Bianca to paint her nails for old time's sake. Bianca would typically tell her no, but there wasn't much else to do but stare at each other.

⠀⠀⠀"Well, let's act like it's not," her mom tried to say, but her voice cracked. Her eyes crinkled at the corners, and tears threatened to spill. She had this neat magic trick where she'd blink three or four times, and the tears were gone. "You haven't told me about Cal in a while. I miss hearing about him."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca felt a lump in her throat because she didn't know how Cal was. Not in that moment. After he assured Bianca he'd come to her, she hadn't heard from him again. He was supposed to be there in a day or so. That was two weeks ago. Now, all Bianca could think was that she had gotten him killed.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca tried to go out and look for him, but her dad kept her from leaving. Finally, she went out one day, but those things were overwhelming. Halfway down the street and Bianca already had four on her tail, close enough to bite. If it wasn't for her dad, she might be dead.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca tried not to think about it, but it was all that plagued her mind.

⠀⠀⠀"What's he studying again?" Laura continued.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca's mom knew Cal was a sore subject but weren't they all? It didn't matter what her mom tried to talk about. Bianca would still ache for how things ended. All of them separated at the end of everything. But if she hadn't left, she would ache for not going to be with her mom. It was a double-edged sword.

⠀⠀⠀At least for her, Cal was her shining star. The best thing to ever happen in her life. If Bianca could say it, she'd say he was the love of her life, her soulmate. But she couldn't because they weren't together with a dead phone line and empty promises between them.

⠀⠀⠀Maybe Bianca could focus on the positives rather than the negatives for once. It wasn't in her nature—she must've gotten that from her father—but she tried.

⠀⠀⠀"Um, he's studying art history," Bianca said with a small laugh, watching as her mom put the second coat of paint on her nails.

⠀⠀⠀"Right, right," Laura said, nodding as she remembered having this conversation before. "I never understood why he wanted to pursue that. Doesn't seem like there's very many job opportunities."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca smiled softly. She thought of all the times she and Cal sat together on the lawn or at lunch or before class talking about his studies. They would talk about the crazy things artists did, the pieces they created that seemed out of reach today. His eyes would brighten as he passionately explained it to her, his eyes bigger and more beautiful than any other time. Bianca couldn't help but sit and stare at him, acting like she also believed it was the most interesting thing in the world. When, in fact, she thought Cal was.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah," Bianca said after a minute, lost in thought. "He knows there aren't, but he's just so passionate about it. He loves art and the process of where it comes from so much. And he's just so good at it, I guess. He told me, uh, Gustav Klimt, who painted The Kiss, used cat urine as a fixative in his sketchbook because he thought it would work better."

⠀⠀⠀Laura looked up, capping the nail polish, unimpressed.

⠀⠀⠀"That would be the one thing you remember," her mom claimed, shaking her head, but a faint smile rose to her lips like she knew something Bianca didn't.

⠀⠀⠀"Well, it was interesting," Bianca muttered, the stress of everything put her on edge. She back-tracked, worried by her mom's response.

⠀⠀⠀"No, no, it was!" Laura exclaimed. "I just, I thought it was funny you didn't think of like, Vincent van Gogh cutting his ear off or Leonardo Da Vinci possibly having students paint his more famous pieces."

⠀⠀⠀"But cat piss is funnier," Bianca retorted, an amused smile coming up.

⠀⠀⠀"I know it is, honey," her mom sighed, patting her hand as she waited for the paint to dry. "How's school been for you?"

⠀⠀⠀"Fine," Bianca muttered, returning to her own life, just bringing back the reality of their situation. "I was supposed to graduate next semester. Guess that won't happen now."

⠀⠀⠀Her mom frowned, worry between her brows.

⠀⠀⠀"Well, maybe you'll get back soon..." her mom tried to say, but it came out rough, unable to finish her thought.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, probably never," Bianca muttered. "All those years, working hard, getting scholarships... nothing. Doesn't even matter."

⠀⠀⠀"At least you got to live," Laura said with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Got to get some of the good parts before this. Got through high school, the rebellious phase with drinking and parties and driving.... separately. Got to find someone you love."

⠀⠀⠀"And then lose him."

⠀⠀⠀There was silence over the table.

⠀⠀⠀"Mom, I don't know what to do," Bianca claimed, her throat closing as she tried to hold back tears. Her hands moved up to her hair, tugging it back to release some of the pain. "I'm so happy to be here with you guys and know you're okay, but... I'm so worried about him it hurts. I asked him to come here, to risk his life so we could be together. I didn't want his piece of shit mom to be the person he spent the rest of everything with. I thought I was protecting him, but—"

⠀⠀⠀"No, it's not your fault," Laura told her sternly. "You just wanted to protect him. There was a risk, but deep down, I think you both knew that."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca bit out a small laugh, tired.

⠀⠀⠀"I could've seen my life with him," Bianca whispered, her head bowed as she stared at the table cloth. "Thirty with a house and no kids except Eugene's ten or so running around when we babysit. Enjoying my job, loving my life with my husband... All those futures I could have gotten, and I got stuck in this one."

⠀⠀⠀Laura didn't know what to say because what was there to say. So, she stood and walked to the other side of their kitchen table and hugged her daughter tight to her chest.

⠀⠀⠀"I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you from this," her mom whispered into her ear, stroking her hair like when she was a kid. Bianca leaned into the touch. She'd missed this. "I wish I could've, but I can't. I don't know how you feel. My family is here and safe. But, a piece of your heart is still out there, and it won't be filled until you know for sure what's happened to him. I hate to say it, but I don't think you ever will."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca nodded, rubbing the tears from her eyes, and leaned her head into her mom's chest, just wanting to close her eyes and wake up from this nightmare.

━━━━━━ July 29, 2010

SHANE ASKED EVERYONE WITH him to the cliff, even the kids. Not Ed, however, still recovering from the beating and humiliation down at the quarry. Shane wanted a united front when they talked to Jim. Show the man that they were just concerned, not threatened, by whatever mental breakdown he was having.

⠀⠀⠀When they got there, Bianca noticed the holes looked eerily similar to graves. A chill ran down her spine.

⠀⠀⠀"Hey, Jim," Shane called.

⠀⠀⠀Jim didn't look their way, like he didn't hear him. He just kept on digging.

⠀⠀⠀"Jim," Shane tried again. "Why don't you hold up, alright? Just give me a second here, please."

⠀⠀⠀Jim stopped, throwing the dirt out of his shovel, and slammed the end back into the soil. He rested his body against the pole and turned to Shane.

⠀⠀⠀"What do you want?" Jim asked simply.

⠀⠀⠀"We're all just a little concerned, man, that's all," Shane explained, his words said under his breath as he cocked his head to the side.

⠀⠀⠀"Dale says you've been out here for hours," Morales added.

⠀⠀⠀Jim turned, a glare pinned on Dale.

⠀⠀⠀"So?" he asked, his tone sharp.

⠀⠀⠀"So, why are you diggin'?" Shane asked.

⠀⠀⠀Jim didn't respond. He let out a breath and wiped his face nervously.

⠀⠀⠀"Are you headin' to China, Jim?" Shane continued, chuckling to try and make light of the situation.

⠀⠀⠀"What does it matter? I'm not hurtin' anyone," Jim told him with a laugh of his own and shrugged. He bent down afterward and continued digging again.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, except maybe yourself," Dale spoke up, growing frustrated. "It's a-It's a hundred degrees out today. You can't keep this up."

⠀⠀⠀"Sure I can!" Jim cheered, unrelenting. "Watch me."

⠀⠀⠀"Man, you look like you're diggin' graves," Bianca told him with a scowl, crossing her arms. "It's unnerving."

⠀⠀⠀"I'm just diggin'," he replied, brushing her off.

⠀⠀⠀"Jim, they're not gonna say it, so I will. You're scarin' people," Lori stepped in, moving so she was next to Shane and Dale. Jim stopped with her words, looking ahead as he processed what she said. "You're scarin' my son and Carol's daughter."

⠀⠀⠀"They got nothin' to be scared of," Jim assured her, looking past Lori to the kids by Carol's side.

⠀⠀⠀Lori shrugged because it didn't matter what he thought. He was scaring Carl and Sophia point blank, and he couldn't change that with a few words.

⠀⠀⠀"I mean, what the hell, people?" Jim complained, raising his arms up in annoyance. "I'm out here all by myself. Why don't y'all just go and leave me the hell alone?"

⠀⠀⠀Jim returned to his work, but his attempt to blow them off didn't work. Shane turned to Lori, thinning his lips, then turned back to Jim, stepping forward.

⠀⠀⠀"We think that you need a break, okay? Why don't you go and get yourself in the shade? Some food, maybe. I'll tell you what...." Shane said, hesitating a moment on his following statement. "Maybe in a little bit, I'll come out here and help you myself. Jim, just tell me what it's about. Why don't you just go ahead and give me that shovel?"

⠀⠀⠀Jim stopped again, turning to Shane with a glare, and raised his chin.

⠀⠀⠀"Or what?"

⠀⠀⠀"There is no 'or what,'" Shane told him, shaking his head. "I'm askin' you. I'm comin' to you, and I'm askin' you, please. I don't want to have to take it from you."

⠀⠀⠀"And if I don't, then what?" Jim continued to press. "Then you're gonna beat my face in like Ed Peletier, aren't ya?" Jim turned to them, voice raised as he tried to rally the rest of the camp on his side. "Y'all seen his face, huh? What's left of it! See, now that's what happens when someone crosses you."

⠀⠀⠀The muscle in Shane's jaw twitched, his shoulders stiffening as it became harder for him to keep his cool.

⠀⠀⠀"That was different, Jim," Shane explained between grit teeth.

⠀⠀⠀"You weren't there," Amy said. "Ed was out of control. He hit Bianca. He was hurting his wife."

⠀⠀⠀"That is their marriage. That is not his!" Jim snapped back at her, pointing a finger at Shane. "And Bianca shouldn't have gotten into it either. Shane is not judge and jury. Who voted you king boss, huh?"

⠀⠀⠀"Jim, I'm not here to argue with you, alright?" Shane asked, moving past Jim trying to provoke him. "Just give me the shovel, okay."

⠀⠀⠀"No, no, no," Jim muttered, backing away as Shane moved forward, hand out for the shovel.

⠀⠀⠀"Just give me the—" Shane continued, trying to snatch the shovel, but Jim moved out of his reach. "Jim!"

⠀⠀⠀Jim shoved Shane back. When Shane regained his footing, standing upright, Jim had the shovel in both hands and threw it to smack Shane over the head. Shane dodged, then tackled Jim to the ground, pinning his face into the dirt.

⠀⠀⠀"You've got no right!" Jim screamed, struggling in Shane's grip.

⠀⠀⠀"Jim. Jim, nobody's gonna hurt you," Shane told him with a soft voice, trying to soothe the man. "You hear me? Shh. Jim, nobody is gonna hurt you, okay?"

⠀⠀⠀"That's a lie," Jim whispered, no longer struggling. "That's the biggest lie there is. I told that to my wife and my two boys. I said it a hundred times. It didn't matter. They came out of nowhere. There were dozens of 'em. Just pulled 'em right out of my hands. Y'know, the only reason I got away was 'cause the dead were too busy eatin' my family."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca felt her stomach sink and the tears surface to the edge of her eyes. Guilt filled her to the bone, and she felt entirely too still. She sniffed loudly, and it felt like everyone turned to look at her with big, hollow eyes. They knew what she had done. What she didn't do.

⠀⠀⠀In reality, it was only a few. Jacqui, Andrea, and Carol.

⠀⠀⠀Bianca caught their eyes, overwhelmed and nearly drowning. She turned on her heel and headed back into camp.

AUTHOR'S NOTE —

Merry day after Christmas and happy holidays to all of you guys! I hope you had a good weekend, got all the gifts you wanted and if you didn't well... here's this chapter as a present for you. Yes, you. Only you... no one else. I promise.

Sorry for the kind of boring chapter main story wise but I think the flashbacks really help separate this first season from the things Bianca is in but doesn't fully participate in. It also is just developing Carol's distaste for Bianca for the moment.

SONG: A Pearl by Mitski

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like, they keep me motivated! However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.

(EDITED! 10/21/2023)