❛ Realization grew on me as quickly as it takes your hand to warm the cool side of the pillow. I'm there for you, be there for me. ❜

SEASON 3, EPISODE 15
this sorrowful life

━━━━━━ day 319.

MERLE DRAGGED THEM into a housing block where a few cars had been left out front. He walked them over to a banister, tied a leash around it, and left them like dogs. Michonne was still as calm as the ocean, but Cal's nerves started to catch fire.

⠀⠀⠀Cal watched Merle snapped the antenna off a car and then look around for the biters approaching from the woods. They weren't in sight yet, but they could be coming any second. Merle opened the front door to the car and climbed inside, out of sight from Cal and Michonne.

⠀⠀⠀"Why don't we run?" Cal whispered to Michonne, keeping his eye on the open door.

⠀⠀⠀"We have time," Michonne assured him. "I don't think he'll be able to go through with it. I can see it."

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, but what if he does go through with it. He nearly killed Bianca," Cal told her, his head starting to ring with worry.

⠀⠀⠀"Trust me, I—"

⠀⠀⠀The car alarm blared, and Cal's worry that Merle might hand them over to the Governor was long gone as the biters crawled out from the woodwork. Not only from the woods but from the buildings they were waiting by.

⠀⠀⠀Merle continued to work inside the car despite the aggravating noise.

⠀⠀⠀"Merle!" Michonne shouted, trying to spot him in the car, but he was ducked underneath the wheel. "Merle!"

⠀⠀⠀Michonne tugged at her restraints, and Cal followed suit. They tried to get them off individually before Michonne turned to him. She held her fingers out to him, and he pulled the zip ties from her fingers. A biter came at them seconds later, but Cal tripped it then Michonne slammed her boot down on its head.

⠀⠀⠀Another biter approached from behind Cal. Michonne directed him to head right, and she followed behind. However, the biter got between them before Michonne and Cal turned to catch its neck between their crossed lines.

⠀⠀⠀Cal and Michonne both rested their boots onto the banister to gain support before pulling back the wire until it cut through the flesh and bone and the biter's head rolled to the ground.

⠀⠀⠀Merle stepped out of the car, slicing the face off the biter, trying to crawl into the car with him. Another biter from inside the house came up behind Cal and Michonne, struggling to hold Michonne down.

⠀⠀⠀Cal tried to kick it off, but Merle beat him and shot the biter in the face. He shot down those quickly approaching before cutting them loose, then yelled at them to move, directing them to the hot-wired car.

⠀⠀⠀Merle raced down the road, the car hot-wired and the siren no longer blaring. The car was silent for most of the ride, Cal considered rolling out of the backseat, but when he tried to open the door, it was child locked.

⠀⠀⠀"So, is this your thing, then? You take out the trash?" Michonne asked Merle.

⠀⠀⠀"Don't be so hard on yourself, darlin'," Merle told her with a chuckle.

⠀⠀⠀"The Governor, Rick, anyone who needs their piss bucket emptied and you come a-runnin'," Michonne said, shaking her head. "Things are different for your brother."

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, they are. Rick says jump, and he wants to know how high," Merle told her, so incredibly clueless about his reality.

⠀⠀⠀Michonne shook her head with a frown and said to him, "Rick needs him. He didn't ask him to do this little job. Now, did he?"

⠀⠀⠀"No, 'cause he wants it done," Merle stated.

⠀⠀⠀"You keep tellin' yourself that," Michonne muttered, looking out the window. "The truth is, this could've been your shot. With your skills, a whole new beginning, but you choose to stay on the outside. No one's gonna mourn you. Not even Daryl. He's got a new family."

⠀⠀⠀"You keep tryin' to get under my skin. I'm gonna cut that tongue out," Merle muttered. "Your buddy's turning you over 'cause he's tryin' to save his own ass. You're as much on the outside as I am, girl."

⠀⠀⠀"Maybe," Michonne agreed. "But once the Governor's gone with me, at least I won't have to live with myself. You said you killed sixteen men since this thing started. You ever killed anyone before?"

⠀⠀⠀"No."

⠀⠀⠀"And how about before Woodbury? Before you met him?" Michonne pestered. Merle didn't respond, and she took that as his answer. "Huh. So, he saves your life, cleans you up, fed you a line of bullshit... Why would you kill somebody else for him?"

⠀⠀⠀Merle glared at the road ahead of him.

⠀⠀⠀"You know, we can go back," Michonne told him.

⠀⠀⠀"Ain't happenin'," Merle said with a chuckle.

⠀⠀⠀"All three of us," Michonne continued. "We can just go back."

⠀⠀⠀"I can't go back," Merle told her. "Don't you understand that? I can't."

⠀⠀⠀"Why?" Michonne asked.

⠀⠀⠀Merle stopped the car, the three flashing forward before the car evened out. Merle turned to Michonne with a glare and a knife at her throat. Cal watched nervously, feeling so utterly helpless in everything he did. Then, Merle moved the knife to her hands and snapped the binds. Then, he turned to Cal and did the same.

⠀⠀⠀"Y'all go back with them. Get ready for what's next," Merle ordered them, leaning over Michonne to open her door. Michonne stepped out of the car, but Cal waited. "I got somethin' I gotta do on my own."

⠀⠀⠀Cal frowned at his response. He might not like Merle—a brash, cold-blooded, disgusting man who beat the crap out of his girlfriend—but he seemed to know where his journey ended in the back of his mind. He patted Merle's shoulder, the best thanks he could give for the minimal effort he gave them.

⠀⠀⠀Merle glanced back at him through the rearview mirror and frowned.

⠀⠀⠀"You're an alright kid, Foster. You were a good leader, remember that," Merle said to him, the nicest thing he'd ever said to Cal, likely to anyone.

⠀⠀⠀"You were an ass, but thanks," Cal mustered up to say, then moved across the backseat and knocked on the door to Michonne. She opened the child-locked door, and he stepped out. Merle put the car back into gear and sped off down the road.

⠀⠀⠀"Come on," Michonne sighed.

⠀⠀⠀They walked back into town, passing the building where they were ambushed. Ahead laid on the ground, gargling. Michonne walked over to it, taking the sword Merle returned to her and plunged it through its skull.

⠀⠀⠀Cal heard the footsteps pounded ahead of them and looked up to see Daryl sprinting towards them. He shouted at them, and he came to a stop in front of them. Michonne resheathed her sword, and they waited for him to talk.

⠀⠀⠀"Where's my brother?" Daryl asked, looking between them. "You kill him?"

⠀⠀⠀Michonne shook her head.

⠀⠀⠀"He left us a mile back," Cal answered him.

⠀⠀⠀"Don't let anyone come after me," Daryl demanded. "Especially Bianca."

⠀⠀⠀Then, he continued sprinting back the way they came.

RICK REQUESTED A meeting with everyone outside in the courtyard around the picnic benches. However, he pulled Bianca to the side first. She was on edge already and had noticed Cal was missing by mid-day when he hadn't returned from his duties to check in with her. Everyone else was walking around, mingling, but Cal wasn't anywhere to be seen. Neither were Merle or Michonne and later Daryl.

⠀⠀⠀A pit formed in her stomach. Just as she was going to talk to Rick about her concerns, he initiated the conversation. Her face paled considerably as he led her by the arm toward the guard tower, climbing up the stairs and standing at the top for some privacy.

⠀⠀⠀Rick stood at the balcony, his hands wrapped around the metal barrier. His shoulders and jaw were tense, and he stared into the dense with a fierce look in his eyes. Bianca stood behind him, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest. Her thigh burned from climbing, but she didn't voice it, not wanting to appear weak in front of him.

⠀⠀⠀"Spit it out," Bianca told Rick impatiently. If she didn't, she worried he'd drag this out until late in the night.

⠀⠀⠀Rick bowed his head, shaking it as he considered the right words. He frowned, knowing there weren't any, then turned to her. His eyes were glossy, which made his blue eyes look brighter than usual. He waited a quivering moment before he finally explained it.

⠀⠀⠀"When I met the Governor, he offered me a deal," Rick explained. He couldn't keep her gaze long and bowed his head to stare at his boots. Bianca wished he wasn't such a coward. She wanted him to look her in the eyes as he told her Cal was dead. "He said he would leave us alone if I gave him Michonne... and Cal."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca's jaw tightened, eyes narrowed, and her entire body tensed with unbridled rage. The edges of her vision turned red, but she didn't want to fall into its trap. They were in a small space, and one attempt to hit Rick might end with one or both of them dead. She wanted him dead, without saying, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't do that to Carl.

⠀⠀⠀"You gave him up?" Bianca asked between clenched teeth. "You got him killed?!"

⠀⠀⠀"No, I was... but I changed my mind," Rick explained quickly, waving his hands out in front of him. "But Merle took them to fulfill the deal, and Daryl went to stop him and... and I don't know if it's too late."

⠀⠀⠀"You told Merle?" Bianca seethed. She wished there was more room on the guard tower to keep her distance further from him. "If you had any doubt in your mind, then why would you tell Merle?"

⠀⠀⠀"To keep us safe!" Rick bellowed, glaring down at her as his own anger got the best of him. "I've already lost my wife. I am not losin' my kids!"

⠀⠀⠀"Why do I have to suffer on your behalf, then? Why do I have to lose the only thing I have left for you?" Bianca asked him, nearly begging as her anger dissipated to grief. "You've got your kids, and god forbid I want anything to happen to them, but now I have to lose everything for some hair-brained idea that the Governor is gonna uphold that promise?! You think that giving up Michonne and Cal will make the guns, tanks, and fear leave those people?

⠀⠀⠀"I'm sorry. I'm sorry about Lori, I loved her, too, but she's dead!"

⠀⠀⠀"I know that," Rick told her forcefully, his chest pumping.

⠀⠀⠀"Then why are you punishing me for something that wasn't even my fault?!" Bianca screamed at him, tears falling down her face and her hands formed into fists. "She wanted to keep Judith to live but knew she would die. I couldn't do anything! I killed her! I know that! I have to live with that, but you are the last person who gets to judge me for that."

⠀⠀⠀"Bianca, it-it wasn't because of Lori," Rick said, his voice beginning to tremble as his dad voice came in. He bent slightly at the knees so she would have to look in his eyes. "Lori had nothing to do with this decision. I have to protect my kids."

⠀⠀⠀"You got other people in this family, too. We could've figured it out. Hell! Cal was his right-hand man. He could've told you if he was even telling the truth," Bianca bit back at him.

⠀⠀⠀"Please, I promise, I didn't want it to go this way," Rick told her, begging for her not to be angry, but it was too late. Cal was dead, and it was all his fault.

⠀⠀⠀"I don't care how you wanted it to go," Bianca hissed. "You're dead to me, Rick. We're not family, we're not friends, we're nothing. You don't want me here? That's fine, I'll go it alone. But until you say otherwise, I'm staying because these people are my family."

⠀⠀⠀Bianca went for the stairs and climbed down, albeit slowly. Rick was right behind her.

⠀⠀⠀"I'd like you to be there when I tell the others," Rick muttered, keeping his gaze away from her.

⠀⠀⠀"Fine," Bianca muttered.

⠀⠀⠀Rick walked past her and toward the courtyard where the others waited. Bianca limped over soon after, sitting at one of the back picnic tables as Rick explained what happened.

⠀⠀⠀"I was wrong not to tell you, and I'm sorry," Rick said, looking over their shocked faces. "What I said last year that first night after the farm... it can't be like that. It can't. What we do, what we're willin' to do, who we are, it's not my call. It can't be.

⠀⠀⠀"I couldn't sacrifice one of us for the greater good because we are the greater good. We're the reason we're still here, not me. This is life and death. How you live... how you die—it isn't up to me. I'm not your Governor. We choose to go. We choose to stay. We stick together. We vote. We can stay, and we can fight, or we can go."

⠀⠀⠀Rick didn't wait for anyone else to talk. He left them with that, allowing them to mull over their options until it was time to vote.

AUTHOR'S NOTE —

Only one or two chapters left! Plus a bonus little statistic thing I have planned to post. It's probably only interesting to me but I don't care anyways hee hee!!

SONG: Hunger of the Pine by alt-J

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like. However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.