CHAPTER TWENTY.
( no control. )

  SHADOW DECIDED TO SKIP out on the trip to LaPush, much to the dismay of Eric and her cousin.

  For as much as she desired normal, the Swan girl found that there was an even stronger reason to fight it. His name was Jasper Hale. He had a pretty smile and an eagerness to be near her when school was no longer an excuse.

  It was the weekend now. Charlie was busy at work, while Bella had left on a trip to Seattle with her friends. With nothing else to do, the ginger had decided to spend time at the Cullen house, where she'd been promised a lesson on control.

She was sat in Jasper's room, waiting patiently while Esme cooked lunch. Jasper himself was prepping Shadow for the taxing lesson she was about to endure.

  "I don't even know how to scream on will," she muttered, fingers clasped tightly together. The idea of trying alone was enough to exhaust her.

  Jasper watched her from his seat by the window. He hardly seemed phased by her nervousness. "You'll figure it out."

  She cut him a scalding look. "Your unwavering faith in me isn't helping." In fact, it only made her feel worse.

  Jasper smiled, "Trust me, Shadow, nothing you do could disappoint me."

  She huffed, rising from her seat. "You better still be saying that later," she told him, letting her eyes wander the intimate privacy of Jasper's room.

  Why he decided to let her in now wasn't a thought she wanted to dwell on. She already knew why, she just wasn't ready to say it. Not yet. Shadow couldn't breathe it into existence.

  Instead, she let herself linger at the shelves of books in Jasper's room. History and theory, for the most part. Some were on strategy, too. It made her wonder what his past life was like, for him to have held so much interest in these kind of things.

  It also made her not want to ask.

  She did anyway. "Why are you so interested in this stuff?"

  Jasper let his gaze shift from her to the books. The expression on his face was pained. Like those histories held memory.

  "Because it was all I used to know," he admitted. Soft, as if it might frighten her. "Being a soldier was all I had when I was human."

  Shadow furrowed her brow, but said nothing. She had never thought to ask about how he was turned. Or the life he had lived before becoming a vampire. It was such a selfish realization.

  Jasper grimaced, but didn't look away from the books. "Before I was changed, I fought during the American Civil War," he admitted.

  Something in Shadow stilled, coiling away from the information. She knew enough of her American history— enough to know that his next words would be very, very integral to her judgement of Jasper Hale's character.

  Sensing her reproach, Jasper's lips curled in a bitter smile. "I betrayed my family and my state, to fight with the Union."

  Shadow collapsed against the couch behind her, relieved by the information. "Christ, I would've never spoken to you again if you were a Confederate."

  Jasper scowled, "I have morals."

  "Sorry," she winced, not wanting to dismay him from telling his story. "You can keep going, if you want."

Jasper did, but kept his back turned to her. "I was tasked with escorting the women and children to safety. It's how I met the vampire who changed me."

Shadow was confused, having assumed Carlisle was responsible for changing the entirety of the Cullen family. Still, she didn't ask questions. She didn't want to distract him, not when this was clearly so important.

"Her name was Maria," Jasper said and the softness with which he said her name made some part of her flare white-hot. "And when she changed me, I found myself thrown from one war to the next." He sat on the armrest of the couch she sat on, eyes distant. Lost to some memory.

  Shadow felt something in her stir. She knew it was his power, letting her feel that memory with him. Shadow inhaled sharply with that sudden swell of emotion— and the pain and rage that came with it.

"There were territorial disputes between the vampires," he continued. "Maria intended to expand and she needed numbers in order to do it, but she also needed strength."

  This part, she thought to herself, this is the part that's going to hurt. Shadow rested a hand on his knee, comforting. Jasper still wouldn't look at her.

  But, his expression was still. So still. "Newborn vampires are the strongest, but they're not very good at controlling themselves. She needed my gifts in order to train them and—" Jasper halted, that stillness morphing into grief.

  "You don't have to tell me," Shadow spoke quickly, eyes burning with the weight of his emotions.

  Jasper closed his eyes. "I just don't want this to change the way you look at me," he told her, his voice so soft she almost missed it.

  "It won't," she promised. Shadow was more afraid that it would hurt him, rather than damn her opinion on the Hale boy. The thought had never even crossed her mind.

  When he finally looked at her, his sorrow almost burst right through her. "I won't hold you to that," he said, that cold hand resting over hers. She didn't flinch away.

  However, before Shadow could argue her point, Jasper continued. "When the newborn strength faded, she had me kill them," he explained. "And the worst part was that I was good at it. My gift made them trust me, made it easier to attack when they least expected it."

  The pain in his voice made her want to weep.

  Jasper drew up his sleeve. Shadow followed his fingers as they pointed out the scars across his skin. Gashes— no. They were bite marks. Places where the newborn vampires fought to protect themselves. To live, even if it meant tearing another person to pieces.

  "I was her executioner, Shadow. Killing was all I knew. I didn't think about leaving or escaping, not until my friend convinced me to."

"Why?" Was all Shadow could think to ask. Her mind was reeling with the onslaught of information.

"Because I thought that what I felt for her was love," he admitted. "And I thought that if I gave her everything she wanted, she would love me back." He didn't look pained that it turned out that way, only ashamed.

Shadow couldn't help the way her heart writhed in her chest. A jealousy so vivid, it hurt. She didn't want to imagine him in love with someone else. Shadow didn't want to think that he had shared his smile— her smile— with any other person.

Jasper laughed so abruptly, it made her jump. "Are you actually jealous?"

Shadow gave a gasp, realizing what he'd done. "You asshole! You said you wouldn't do that!"

  He laughed some more, his expression lit up with pure delight. She immediately forgot her annoyance. It made Shadow so much happier, seeing him like this. He didn't deserve to carry the pain of someone else's crimes.

  "It's not funny," she said as she nestled closer on the couch.

  Jasper wrapped his arm around her. "Of course not," he replied and that smile was on his face again. The smile he shared only with her.

  "Shaden Swan," he spoke softly. "What I feel for you is beyond anything I will ever feel for another person, for the rest of my long life," he promised.

  "I won't hold you to that," she told him, simply because she couldn't.

  It was enough to know that he would be there for her in one lifetime, regardless of the length of that life. Shadow didn't wish for him to live on miserably without her and she could only hope that he would want the same for her.

  "Don't be annoying," Jasper sneered, leaning in to steal a kiss. Shadow smiled against his lips, enjoying the proximity.

The moment was over when a pillow was launched at their heads. "You are both so disgusting," Rosalie complained. She laughed only when Shadow shot back from Jasper's embrace.

  "Come on, you have training to get to."

→

Shadow glared at Emmett and Edward from where she stood in the middle of the Cullen estate. They were outside, in the yard, surrounded by the trees and damp grass. Carlisle and Esme were setting up distance markers, while their two idiot son's sang, 'Shadow and Jasper, sitting in a tree.'

"Are they meant to be helping?" She asked, irritated by their childishness.

"You could use them as target practice," Jasper offered. The suggestion immediately silenced the pair, much to Shadow's delight.

Carlisle finished putting up the last marker, right along the edge of the furthest tree line. When Shadow blinked, he was already back at her side. Their speed did little to surprise her now, but it was annoying being unable to track their movement.

"We're all target practice," Dr. Cullen explained. "We need to test out the radius of her scream before she learns to control it."

Shadow took a hesitant step back, alarmed. "I didn't agree to that!" She refused to participate in such a senseless idea. She had already promised herself not to hurt them again.

Esme touched her shoulder. "Don't worry too much about us. We can always recover. It's more important that you get the opportunity to learn."

Shadow felt nauseous. "Even if it hurts you?"

  Emmett laughed and was immediately met with a punch to the arm by Rosalie.

Carlisle gave an amused smile. "Your scream puts our most heightened senses in disarray," he explained. "Enough that it gives the imitation of pain, but it's only harmful when in close range."

  "Think of it as a stun grenade," Jasper supplied.

  "Yeah," Emmett called out. "You're like a flash-bang for vampires."

  Shadow was comforted by the analogy. It was true enough. In spite of the fractures she could inflict, her screams didn't appear to have long-lasting effects. The fractures would heal. They would still stand.

  "Okay," she finally agreed. "But, if anyone has to stand the closest, it's going to be Edward." If there was one person she didn't mind roughing up, it was him.

  "You wish," the red-headed boy scoffed. "I have plans, so I won't be sticking around for the show."

  Shadow scowled. "That doesn't seem fair."

  Edward shrugged, his grin wide as he made for the garage. "Life isn't fair," he taunted her.

  Shadow glared at his back. "Rest assured, Eddie, you're gonna be target practice one day."

  "Only in your dreams!" He called over his shoulder, taking the Volvo with him as he left.

  Carlisle clapped his hands together, gathering the attention of Shadow and the remaining Cullen family. "Let's get started."

  Everyone took their places. They each went to a marker, while Shadow stood a few feet from the first one. Carlisle was the closest, with Esme at the furthest end and every other Cullen in-between.

Jasper was in the middle. Far enough to comfort her, but close enough to still make her nervous. Shadow wiped her sweaty palms against her jeans.

"Try to let the scream come to you," Carlisle guided her. "Focus on what it feels like when it usually happens."

  That was easy. Shadow rarely forgot the horror and overall fear that came with her screams. It was like a living nightmare.

  Shadow felt her fingers begin to shake as anxiety crept in. She dug deeper than her memory, searching for that feeling, calling on the scream to answer to her. The sooner she could finish, the better. She didn't want to stun anyone, whether it hurt the Cullen's or not.

  Dread swept over her so suddenly, Shadow found herself gasping. She caught herself as her knees went weak. The feeling tried to flee, but she clung to it. Building it up.

  Shadow closed her eyes and let the shrill scream loose. It was short and weak; weaker than what she was used to, but it was a start.

It was just the beginning.

→

Shadow collapsed onto her back against the grass. Her body was covered in a thin sheen of cold sweat. It had been three hours since they started and no amount of lozenges could soothe her misery.

"I need a break," she croaked, having pushed herself without so much as a breather.

"I'll get you some cough drops," Esme told her, heading towards the house with Carlisle in tow.

Jasper peered down at Shadow, offering a water bottle. "We told you to take it easy," he said, but his grin was obviously amused.

Unable to find her voice, Shadow gave him the middle finger. She took the water, sitting up as Jasper took a spot on the grass next to her. Emmett and Rosalie soon joined.

  "You good, Red?"

  Shadow swatted at Emmett's hand as it ruffled her hair. "Yeah," she said, "I'll be fine."

  "You're getting the hang of it," Rosalie told her. "But I still think you're scared."

  Unbidden, Shadow thought back to a little boy. They were in kindergarten and he had gotten too close. Shadow saw the vision of her grand-mother's death and the scream that followed left the kid with damage so severe it required permanent hearing loss.

  Of course she was scared.

  Jasper nudged at her shoulder, drawing the Swan girl back from her memory. Rosalie gave a curious look, but Shadow wasn't ready to explain. She simply smiled, bitter with the thought.

  "I didn't think it would be this easy," she finally spoke. "Kinda makes me wish I'd met you all sooner."

Rosalie smirked, "Oh, I'm sure you feel that way about at least one of us."

"Ha-ha, you're so funny," Shadow said, the sarcasm apparent. Still, she blushed under the weight of Jasper's gaze.

"Shadow Hale does have a nice ring to it," Emmett chimed in.

Shadow felt her expression twist. "As much as I love your family, the idea of being related to Edward is... a hard no." Not to mention that fact that she was hardly in a rush to get married, never-mind just being in a relationship.

Emmett laughed. "Well, you'll have all the time in the world to get used to it."

That made Shadow's heart stop. "Well, I don't intend to live forever," she said, a little too quickly. She gave what she hoped looked like a casual shrug.

However, Shadow didn't miss the crestfallen look in Jasper's eye— though, she wished she had.

"And who let you decide my future, huh?" The Swan girl, nudged Emmett with her foot. It was a poor attempt to lighten the mood, but it gave a good enough distraction for Jasper's sake.

"Come on," Rosalie said, suddenly getting to her feet. She beckoned for Emmett to join her. "Let's leave the lovebirds alone."

  Shadow watched nervously as they left. Emmett picked Rosalie up, carrying her bridal-style before the pair disappeared from sight. It was cute, in a way that made her fond of them both.

  "Shadow," Jasper spoke, trying to catch her attention.

  She looked back at him, her heart feeling full. "Jasper," she replied, teasing as she batted her eyelashes.

  "I don't want to lose you," he said, so sudden that Shadow found her smile falling. "So, can we stop operating on the idea that I will?"

She frowned at his irritation. "It's going to happen whether we like it or not," she told him— and it was the truth. If Death didn't come for her at the edge of someone's fangs, it was going to come when she was old and weary.

Dying had never been a notion that bothered her. Not when it meant one day seeing her parents again. It especially didn't bother her now, when she realized how inexplicably tied death was to her life.

  Jasper smiled, but there was an edge of hesitance to it. "How about we pretend like it never will?" He asked, leaning closer, until he was hovering just above her lips.

  She didn't get the chance to respond as he kissed her. It was fierce, in a way she didn't expect. He kissed her like he could steal the mortality from her body and store it somewhere else. Somewhere safe and far away.

And Shadow knew she couldn't let Jasper fool himself like that.

She pulled back, desperate to make him understand. She would make him promise her. A dozen of them, if she could. Shadow wanted Jasper to live a life that held meaning. She wanted him to love and smile again, even after she was gone.

Shadow Swan did not want any lover of hers to end up a lonely ghost; a walking corpse, like her mother.

It was all she could think to ask of him, but the words died on her lips. Shadow felt it so suddenly, it made her stomach cramp. Her expression must have looked odd, because suddenly Jasper was mouthing words to her. Or, was he speaking?

Shadow couldn't hear him. His voice had faded to distant background noise. All she could make out were screams. A man, yelling for help. God, anyone, please help.

  Sudden cold seemed to sweep its way across Shadow's exposed skin. It stole the warmth from her blood. She shivered as her throat went tight.

  Shadow knew what was coming.

  It rooted itself to her chest, but she couldn't let it out. She had to control it. Or risk doing damage in the process of holding it back.

  Shadow gasped, pressing a hand to her chest as the scream fought against her. Her throat was already raw. It felt like swallowing hot knives.

  She saw blurred figures, taunting their prey. She saw a man in his boat, confused by the woman that appeared so suddenly before him. In her trail, two men followed. Shadow recognized them immediately; the vampires from her previous vision.

  Just as she recognized the man that they quickly attacked.

  "Waylon," Shadow muttered, horrified as she watched them pin him down. Upon speaking his name, the vision was over. Shadow didn't need to see what had caused his death. She already knew.

The scream reached its peak and Shadow couldn't hold it back. She knew that man. She had grown up seeing him at Christmas parties, with family— even at the restaurant, just a few days before.

The sadness was overwhelming. Shadow let the scream loose, trying her best to control its power as she wept and pled with herself to be wrong. Just once. Just this once.

When it was over, she was sobbing. Her body curled over the ground. She knew it was false hope to wish for any other outcome. She was never wrong.

And truly, what good was Shadow if her ability couldn't be used to change the future?

→

The aftermath of her vision left Shadow too exhausted to stand. She was in the living room now, resting on the couch. Jasper was next to her, sitting on the floor. His eyes roved her face with care.

  Shadow couldn't help her annoyance as she turned her back to him. "Stop looking at me like that," she said, quiet heat to her voice.

  His gaze reminded her too much of funerals. Every eye on her, waiting for her to break. Like it was an inevitable fact. It pissed her off.

  "I just want to make sure you're okay," Jasper said gently, as if speaking any louder would alarm her. As if she were a petulant child, prone to outburst when met with a stern voice.

  Shadow sat up, looking down at him with a frown. "I'm fine. I've told you a dozen times already, I don't need a babysitter."

  Jasper lifted himself from the floor, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. He seemed to understand that she needed space, because he kept his distance. Not that it made her any less annoyed.

  "Shadow Swan; strongest girl alive," he muttered. "Not even death fazes her."

  Shadow whirled on him, furious. "I never said it didn't!" She shouted, getting to her feet. What gave him the right to speak about her like that?

  "Then act like it," he bit back, his glare just as harsh as Shadow's. "No one said you had to carry the weight on your own."

That pissed her off more than him treating her like delicate glass.

He didn't know anything about the weight she carried. Shadow had always understood that her issues were hers and hers alone. There had never been a reason to burden anyone else with them and she didn't plan on starting now.

  "Why do you care?" She asked, not that she was interested in the answer. "It's not like it affects you."

  "Yes it does!" He insisted, clearly frustrated by the idea that she would think otherwise. "It affects me because it affects you."

  "Oh, yes, because you care about me so much," she pointed out, her voice exaggerated by her sarcasm. She was being vicious now, she knew that.

  "I do," he said, unbothered by her attitude. "Even when you act like an asshole."

  "Should we give you a medal for best boyfriend in the world?" She sneered, hardly realizing what she'd said.

  Jasper's lips curled in a winning smile. "Oh, so I'm your boyfriend now?"

  Shadow froze, too shocked for anger. "I-I never said that," she stuttered out, but she couldn't take it back.

  "Yes, you did."

  "Shut up! I'm trying to be angry with you," she snapped, turning on her heel to walk away. Jasper was there in seconds, blocking the exit. He didn't look angry anymore, which relieved Shadow, because she found that she wasn't either.

  "I think I deserve a reward for finally getting it out of you," he mused, staring down at her with that familiar adoration. It made her heart stumble all over itself.

  Shadow scowled, "You want a reward for getting on my nerves?" She asked, crossing her arms, as if she could protect herself from the way he made her feel.

  "No, I do that every day," he replied, his grin growing with every step closer.

  "Yes, you do," she said, enjoying his closeness as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. It was comforting now, when she wasn't wallowing in her own self-misery.

It was silent for a moment, before Jasper spoke. "I'm not asking you to be happy all the time, but you don't have to suffer alone either."

  She looked up at him, softened by his words. "Then what's your suggestion?" She asked, venturing closer. Not that was really sought an answer.

  "Share it with me," he said, "I'll take it." He wrapped his arms around the Swan girl, bringing her close to his chest.

  Shadow let herself fall into the embrace with her heaviness lifting. She didn't know what to say, so she said nothing. One day, she would need that comfort, she was sure of it.

And one day, she might share it with him.

She just wasn't ready— not yet. Not in his home, with his family. Not when she would need her strength to be there for her Uncle. Shadow would simply have to bear the weight, just a little while longer.

"Shaden," Carlisle spoke up, waiting for her by the entrance of the living room. "We should head over to the station now."

Shadow pulled out of Jasper's embrace. "Alright, I'll be right out," she replied, wringing her hands. Her anxiety was immediate as she realized what she was being faced with.

Waylon's death was a true testament to how dangerous this world was— and how much closer the threatening vision of her death loomed.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Jasper asked, but Shadow shook her head. She didn't want to have to rely on him. Not for something like this.

"I'll be fine," she told him, her smile a blatant lie. "I'll see you later." Shadow didn't wait for a reply as she followed after Carlisle. Charlie didn't know she was coming. It felt awkward to imagine explaining how she wound up in Carlisle's home.

But, she would, because anything was better than sitting at home. Alone. Wondering. Beyond the feeling of utter uselessness, grief lingered. It wasn't a feeling she wanted to stew in alone.

So, Shadow sat silently in the passenger seat of Carlisle's car. The drive was quick and it didn't take long for them to arrive at the station. All the lights were on, with vehicles still left running in the parking lot.

It made her stomach turn. Did Waylon have family? Were they here now? Was there anyone else who would mourn him?

Shadow let the questions overwhelm her; a distraction as she let Carlisle lead her into the station. It was chaotic, in a sense. Shadow didn't expect so many people, so late at night.

The expressions around the room were grim. Shadow didn't wait to be taken to her Uncle, instead saying her goodbye's to Carlisle. She wanted to take the time to wander and look for him alone.

However, Shadow found herself outside instead, leaning against the railings. Worrying. A poor habit that never failed to haunt her. Shadow imagined what she could have done. Maybe she could have called Waylon, warned him.

What was she supposed to make of this gift, if not to save someone?

  Shadow sat outside for a long time, watching the officers as they left. Eventually, only Carlisle and her Uncle remained. She still didn't go inside, too nervous to see him. She was so used to being the one needing comforting, she didn't know how to give it to another person.

But, her peace didn't last long. The door opened and Carlisle exited, briefcase in hand. Shadow turned to look up at the doctor, who nodded in greeting. Shadow offered a small smile in return.

Carlisle opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off as the sound of an approaching car was heard. Shadow turned and watched in bewilderment as a familiar, shiny Volvo pulled into the parking lot. One that had left the Cullen house earlier that afternoon.

  And when Bella exited, closely followed by Edward, Shadow felt rage. Oh, I'm going to kill him, she thought, seething. It was one thing to see them talking at school. It was another thing entirely to see him with her now, late at night, when Bella was supposed to have been in Seattle.

"What're you doing here?" Bella's concerned voice quelled Shadow's immediate anger.

"Carlisle, what's going on?" Edward asked, equally as confused. Shadow watched as Carlisle sighed. He cut a glance to her before responding.

"Waylon Forge was found in a boat near his place. I just finished examining the body," he explained.

Bella stared, wide-eyed at Carlisle before she looked over to her cousin. "Wh— he died?" She asked, stumbling over herself. "How?"

"Animal attack," Carlisle replied, but he was looking at Edward. Shadow couldn't bring herself to glance at Bella, either. Lying to strangers was an easy thing. Lying to family was harder.

"I have to see Charlie," Bella spoke quickly, making for the steps. She stilled upon seeing the body as they wheeled it out of the station. Shadow felt her stomach turn.

She watched as Bella continued into the building. It was all she could do, to hope that her cousin would never know the truth. It made her feel disgusted, but Shadow hoped that she would never have to encounter this kind of tragedy in her family.

"You should be in there with him," Carlisle suggested, trying to be comforting. "He needs his family's support and so do you."

Shadow gave a half-hearted smile. "What he needs is his daughter, not a reminder of everything else he's lost."

"That's not true," Edward cut in. He looked at her without spite, in a way she was unused to. "He thinks of you as his daughter now too, Shadow. You remind him of what he still has."

She found herself at a loss for words. Shadow didn't have to ask to know how he knew that, because it was Edward. His gift left nothing unheard. He wasn't someone to comfort her with lies, either.

He was trying to be nice.

Shadow scowled as she made for the door inside. "Thanks," she told him, "but you're still on my hit-list."

She left it at that, just for tonight. The elder Swan could deal with the mess in the morning. Right now, she wanted to be with her family, to comfort them in the same way their presence had comforted her.

It was all she could really do for them.

Edited 02/18/2016 @12:20 PM
Edited 12/01/2016 @12:03 AM
Edited 09/12/2022 @4:15 PM

AUTHORS NOTE: I made sure to make this chapter extra long, for everyone who's been patiently waiting for me to finish editing and to update. Thank you!