CHAPTER THIRTEEN.
( a fatal price. )

UPON ARRIVING HOME, SHADOW was quick to find shelter in her room. The knot in her chest was near-suffocating now, smarting at the thought of being confronted by anyone. She chose to stay there for the rest of the night, rather than join Charlie and Bella for dinner.

  She didn't want them to see her like this. She appreciated their concern where it was needed, but Shadow couldn't find the strength to put on her brave face. Not tonight. Not even for them.

  Shadow's hand tangled its way into her hair. It had been a while since she'd thought about her parents. From where she sat on the bed, the Swan girl pressed her back against the headboard. She couldn't do much beyond stare at the box in front of her, where the last remnants of her old life sat sealed within.

Still, she found herself leaning forwards, even as her hands shook. Her heart pressed painfully against her ribs. Shadow forced herself to pull out the photographs and spread them across the sheets. When it was done, the tears still ceased to come, but their presence hovered.

  When had she last faced her parent's deaths like this?

  With a jolting start, Shadow realized that she'd hardly even thought about it. Too content with forgetting and shoving down the grief inside of her. Her eyes stung as shame washed over her.

God, she missed them, but their memory brought so much pain. None of it made sense. How could this have happened? So soon, so fast?

  So many questions and no one to answer them.

  Shadow was struck with sudden longing. She wanted to go home. She missed the comfort of her bed, her old friends, and her dad's hugs. She missed late-night talks in the kitchen with her mom. Shadow could have told her anything, because her mother had valued honesty and trusted that her daughter was smart enough to make the right decisions.

  Shadow could only wish she still had that surety, because as of late she had no idea what she was doing anymore. Not with Jasper and especially not with Charlie and Bella. She lifted a photograph from the bed; a picture from her childhood. She was too young to remember it, but still, she missed this too.

  Her father's arms were wrapped around her, his smile beaming as he lifted her above his shoulders. Shadow's heart gave way and the tears came, blurring her vision. Maybe one day she would be able to think back on these memories and not break, but that day wasn't today.

  Shadow choked on sobs as she dropped the photograph, before furiously wiping at her tears. But, it didn't matter how much she tried to rid herself of her sadness. It would never work. It hurt too much to be that easy.

  Taking out these pictures had been a mistake. Shadow knew she shouldn't have done it. The Swan girl was overcome with her anger. She stood up, moving fast as she recklessly threw photo after photo back in the box. She didn't so much as glance at them as she put them away.

  Shadow didn't want to think about it anymore. She exhaled sharply as she knelt to the floor, fingers pressed hard against the cardboard box as she held it in her hands. Shadow hesitated for only a moment before shoving it back under the bed.

She closed her eyes and bit her lip, willing the tears to stop falling. With great effort, Shadow forced herself to get up from the floor. She turned for the washroom, but jumped back as the sight of Jasper Hale entered her line of vision.

Shadow immediately whirled so that her back was facing him. "God, don't do that!" She pressed a hand against her chest.

  She tried to ignore the glimpse of concern she'd seen on his face. Instead, she busied herself by wiping at the damp spots beneath her eyes and nose.

"Are you okay?"  He asked, concern lacing his tone.

Shadow gave a huff of laughter, but there was no humor to the sound. "I'm fine, I just hit my head," she told him. It was a lame excuse, but she had nothing more to offer.

Shadow was exhausted and not even a year-long sleep could cure her of this kind of tired.

  She inhaled sharply as a cold hand touched her arm. "You think I'm that stupid," came Jasper's rhetorical reply. He gently turned her to face him.

Shadow frowned, but couldn't lift her head to look at him. "Then why bother asking?" The words came out softer than intended— weak, because she was. The knot writhed in her chest.

  Jasper shrugged. "It seemed like the polite thing to do." He brushed the hair behind her ear and cupped her face in his hands.

He sighed, "Look, you don't have to tell me what's wrong or even say anything, but I'm here if you need me. Always."

  The single word made her heart jump. Always. That was too severe a promise and she refused to let herself believe him. Though, she couldn't deny the comfort it brought her. Shadow held her hand against his, briefly closing her eyes.

  He wouldn't always be there, but for now she would let herself believe him. "Are you using your ability right now?" She asked him, eyes still closed. With the comfort his touch brought her, it would've been hard to believe he wasn't.

  "No."

  Shadow opened her eyes to meet his. "Can you?" She asked.

Jasper looked mildly surprised, but the Swan girl didn't care. She wouldn't be able to sleep like this and Shadow wanted to sleep at least once without seeing her mother's blood every time she closed her eyes.

  Jasper nodded and the calm came slowly. Shadow sighed, leaning into his touch as her taut muscles relaxed and her heart calmed its pace. Slowly, even breathing became easier. It wasn't until rationale snapped back into place that she realized what she was doing.

Shadow pulled her hand from his, "Thank you."

  Jasper seemed to understand that the moment was over as he stepped back, hands falling to his sides. With his absence, the comfort she felt faded, but not the calm. Shadow turned away, smoothing out her blanket.

  "Remembering things you don't want to remember sucks," she found herself saying.

Before Jasper could reply, she collapsed onto the bed on her back. Tentatively, Jasper followed and Shadow didn't protest. His arm brushed hers and that sure comfort returned.

  Silence enveloped the room and the pair stared at the ceiling. Unable to resist the urge much longer, Shadow found herself curling against Jasper's cold frame. She allowed him to wrap an arm around her shoulder.

  There really was no avoiding what she felt for him.

  Jasper didn't say anything and neither did Shadow. Just the fact that he was there was good enough for her. It seemed as if he understood what she needed; and that was no more than his presence.

Shadow felt grateful to him.

  Slowly, she drifted off, entering that strange state of being half-awake and half-asleep. Before she knew it, she was laid properly in bed, with cool hands against her hair and the blanket pulled high. Shadow let out an almost silent sigh of comfort and shifted deeper into her mattress.

  "Goodnight." Jasper whispered, his hand brushing the hair from her face.

Shadow didn't have the focus to reply as she fell asleep.

→

  "Stupid Forks with its stupid cold weather." The Swan girl's words were sourly spoken as she stepped into the brisk morning. A couple of days had passed since she'd discovered her newfound banshee status and she had spent most of the time trying not to think about it.

  Or, more specifically, she'd tried not to think about a particular boy with a particular blond head of hair.

  Shadow wrapped her coat tighter around herself, burying her head into the collar. Her conversation with Carlisle had left her with more questions than answers. She still didn't know what it was that had her so stuck on the Hale boy. Though, as of late the Swan girl wasn't quite sure she wanted to know.

  Vampires? Sure. Banshees? Okay. For right now, she could handle those at the least. But, fate? Now that was too much. Shadow didn't know whether to laugh or fall into a pit of panic, because even as ridiculous as it sounded, she knew that what she felt was no natural occurrence.

  Shadow lifted her head as a touch at her elbow roused her from her thoughts. From where she stood at her side, Bella gave the elder Swan girl a concerned look. "Are you okay?" She asked, and the imploring look in her eyes sent the knot nearly unravelling.

  It said 'I'm here for you,' and Shadow truly believed it. It was honest and held the meaning so many others seemed to lack when they approached her. Words of, 'You can talk to me,' and, 'I'm here for you,' on their lips. False promises.

  But, not Bella. She was genuine in a way that only family could be. Shadow was struck by how suddenly her grief seemed to come crashing down on her. Looking at her cousin, she wanted to spill everything, even if it meant missing school or dealing with an over-bearing Charlie. She could deal with it all, so long as it meant not having to carry her sadness alone.

  She almost wanted to and foolishly, selfishly, Shadow believed she could.

  However, she held it back, ignored her stinging eyes and pushed the pain aside. She would not burden Bella with this weight. The elder Swan inhaled a sharp breath and forced a smile.

  "I'm good, just tired." It wasn't a complete lie, just not the truth.

  Bella beamed at her, "Good, because I'm supposed to be the angsty teenager."

  Shadow was shocked to find how easy her laugh came. She grinned, Bella smiling along with her as they stepped towards the truck. Though, the expression quickly fell as the younger Swan's feet slid out from under her.

  Unable to help herself, Shadow doubled over with her laughter as Bella slipped on the ice.

  A very distinct reaction from her Uncle, who quickly rushed to help the girl up. Shadow could only poorly muffle herself. "Come on, clutz," the red-head said as Bella regained her footing.

  The brunette made a face in reply before the pair finally got into Bella's truck. Shadow buried herself into the old leather seats as they drove to school, recalling the events of last Friday. Shadow hadn't thought about her parents much since her mom's funeral. Mainly because she wanted to avoid anything that might trigger a memory.

  So, to relive everything so suddenly hurt a lot, in a way that Shadow didn't even know was possible. She still felt as if there was a gaping hole in her chest and she was afraid that it would always be there; a never-ending, vast emptiness with nothing left to fill it.

  Shadow was relieved when the truck finally pulled into the school parking lot. At least here she could find distraction from her thoughts. Shadow exited the vehicle, slamming the door shut, because it rarely closed properly otherwise.

  "Hey! That's my baby you're hurting!" Her younger cousin called after her, brow furrowed in mock concern.

  Shadow giggled, rounding the truck to stand with Bella on the driver's side. "If anyone could baby a truck, of course it would be you."

  She laughed as Bella mimicked her in a horrible impression of her voice. Shadow liked being able to banter and laugh like this with her cousin. It meant they were closer to being the two girls from their childhood; thick as thieves and closer yet.

  "Well, I gave metaphorical birth to it. It's still my baby and I refuse to watch it get—" Bella was cut off by tires screeching against ice and pavement.

  Shadow felt her stomach drop at the sound. The pair turned their heads in the direction it came from. The realization was slow as Shadow watched the van slide across the parking lot towards them. Despite every effort of the driver, there was no stopping it.

  Her heart jumped into her throat. Terror seized her muscles. She couldn't move.

  Somehow, her mind was able to fire thought after thought in those few seconds; move out of the way, run, protect Bella. But, she couldn't. Her body refused to budge despite every warning in her head.

  She was paralyzed with fear.

  Is this what her dad had felt when the car had been headed straight for him? Muscles bunched, ready for action, but with nothing more to give? Not even to save himself?

  Shadow felt mourning overtake her as she realized she could do nothing to save them. There was nothing she could do to save Bella. She shut her eyes tight, bracing herself for the impact of the car. She wouldn't even have time to shed a tear.

  I'm sorry, she thought with shame, I'm sorry I couldn't do more.

  The moment passed and, instead of being crushed, Shadow inhaled a sharp gasp as she felt an arm slide around her waist. She was pushed to the ground, taking Bella with her. A thud sounded and Shadow's eyes shot open, finding themselves staring into a pair of familiar golden ones.

  Yet, at the sight, the female felt nothing— no relief, no terror, just anticipation for something that would never come. Shadow still couldn't move, not even when Edward had disappeared and students began to crowd around. Her heart was still racing, thoughts still a mess, unable to comprehend what had just happened.

  Though, when some sense began to return, Shadow found herself on her feet with a crowd of students surrounding her. Panic tightened its grip around her throat. They were too close. Her body was still buzzing, humming with adrenaline. She didn't know what to do.

  And then, suddenly, Jasper was there. "Step back! Give her some space!" He was shouting, eyes blazing as he glared at those who were more trouble than comfort.

  The crowd dispersed, leaving a wide berth with Shadow, Bella, and Jasper right in the middle. Oxygen was suddenly a lot more breathable.

  Jasper looked down at her, expression worried. "Are you alright?" He asked, but Shadow couldn't bring herself to reply.

  Just his mere presence brought clarity back into Shadow's world. She buried her face in her hands. She froze. Right when Bella needed her most, she froze and doomed them both.

  The guilt was a burning shame in her chest. For all her wishing to protect her family— when she finally had the gift to do it, she was utterly useless. Shadow couldn't bring herself to let the tears come and fall. Instead, she crouched down, wrapped her arms around herself, and stared miserably at the ground as the sirens drew nearer.

  Jasper crouched beside her, "Let me know what I can do to help you. Please, Shadow." The tone of his voice was raw with emotion, as if this encounter had frightened him too.

  The Swan girl met his eyes and she knew it had. Shadow reached for his hand and that sense of safety washed over her with strength.

  "Just stay with me," she said softly. He squeezed her fingers in mute reply.

  It wasn't until the paramedic stepped forwards to lead the Swan girl away that she felt safe enough to let her real feelings show. The guilt, the shame, the fear. Just as the back doors to the ambulance closed, Shadow caught a glimpse of Jasper's face among the crowd.

  And, when the doors finally shut, that's when the tears came.

→

  Shadow Swan hated hospitals.

  It might have had something to do with the trauma of sitting in a waiting room, preparing herself to hear the words that her father and mother hadn't made it. Or, maybe it was just the sterile colour of white that marked every wall, corner, and crevice. Or, maybe it was the chilly draft that always seemed to follow her like a ghost.

  Either way, Shadow couldn't stand sitting around on a hospital bed, unsure of what came next. The ginger crossed her arms, making her lack of satisfaction apparent as she watched the nurse check up on Bella. Charlie stood at her side, fussing over his only daughter while the brunette countered his every word with the insistence that she was fine.

  Shadow smiled softly at the pair. She was glad that her younger cousin had someone to care for her in such a way, even if the younger Swan felt that he was overbearing. Shadow felt her expression fall.

  It made her miss all that she'd lost even more; the concern when she was sick, or when she'd broken her arm on the playground.

  Shadow looked away from her family, focusing her eyes on the posters hung up on the wall. She kept her gaze trained there, even when the sound of Dr. Cullen's voice was heard. Grief was gnawing at her chest and she was clawing at the surface, trying to stay afloat.

  "Shadow?"

  She blinked, snapped out of her stupor by the sound of Bella's voice. Her cousin's eyes were eager and pleading, but the older Swan girl hadn't been listening. She glanced at Carlisle, noting the look in his eyes as he watched her.

  "Sorry, what were you saying?"

  Bella sighed, "I was just telling Dr. Cullen about Edward. He was amazing, right? He got to us so fast when he pushed us out of the way."

  Shadow felt panic curl its fingers around her heart. Edward. She'd completely forgotten about what he'd done and all that he risked upon doing it. Shadow tried not to let her alarm show.

  Her muscles were already bunched with the memory of the Cullen boy's sudden appearance. The van mere inches from her face. She hoped any possibility of Bella's suspicion could be brushed off as no more than trauma from the near-accident.

  Carlisle kept his eyes on Shadow as she replied cooly. "Yeah, he's a modern hero. I'm just glad he wasn't too far to begin with."

  He did more for us than I ever could, Shadow thought, but didn't say. She was still bitter and angry with herself for not having done more. How could she just freeze like that?

  Carlisle approached her, drawing close with the medical light in hand. Shadow followed his instructions as he pointed it in her eyes.

  "Well, that's good to hear," Dr. Cullen replied, warmth to his tone. Shadow could tell it was forced. She met his eyes briefly, seeing the flash of concern there before he looked away.

  "How are you feeling?" He questioned, voice gentle and kind as he took a clipboard from a nurse. Shadow hesitated. When he spoke like that, she thought about telling the truth; she was scared and ashamed, filled with anger over what she hadn't done and all that she missed.

  But, instead, the Swan girl gave her usual answer, "I'm okay," with an added, "Just shaken up." She knew better than expose herself so easily, especially here.

  Shadow would be fine, if given the right amount of time. She knew it and, if not, then she could always pretend. She was good at that, too.

  Carlisle nodded, but his pursed lips told of his hesitancy to let it go. He turned to Charlie, "Neither of them show any signs of head trauma and their vitals look good. I think they'll be fine."

  Charlie's expression was relieved. The stress seemed to visibly ease off of his shoulders and he sighed, giving Carlisle his thanks.

  Now that it was time to go, the ginger rose eagerly from the bed she sat on. "Meet you outside!" She called over her shoulder, making a quick escape.

  The Swan girl didn't bother to stop, even as she heard the beginnings of Charlie's protest. Shadow simply couldn't stand being there another minute.

  No more waiting around for the bad news to come to you, Shadow thought as she rounded the hallway corner. Her footsteps faltered upon the sight of Edward and Rosalie. They looked to be in heated discussion, but fell silent at Shadow's appearance.

  Nonetheless, the Swan girl approached with her fingers curled into fists. "Do you have any idea how stupid that was!?" She demanded, unable to withhold her anger.

  Instead of answering, Edward turned his eyes to floor. Rosalie glanced at the ginger, her expression mildly impressed by Shadow's boldness. But, the Swan girl couldn't be bothered to feel proud of the accomplishment.

  Her attention was on Edward completely, much to his apparent discomfort.

  "What's going on here?" The trio turned at the sound of Carlisle's voice. He joined the group with disapproval apparent on his face.

  Shadow turned accusatory eyes to Edward, her anger still simmering. She knew that if left unchecked, she would say something she didn't mean.

  However, right now, Edward Cullen's feelings seemed less and less important.

  "I didn't get a say in becoming a part of this whole supernatural bullshit and I won't drag Bella into it with me," she said, still glaring at Edward. "And neither will you."

  Shadow was entirely serious, regardless of her lingering guilt as Rosalie and Carlisle turned their eyes away.

  But, Shadow Swan had already lost too much to things she couldn't control. This was something she could. She might not have been able to protect Bella before, but she wouldn't fail her again.

  And Shadow would protect her from this, if it was the last thing she ever did.

  Edward's eyes were furious when he finally looked at her. "Was I supposed to let you both die?" He seethed, taking an intimidating step closer.

  Shadow knew what he was trying to do. He wanted to see how much she feared them. Seeing right through it came easy— and she wasn't going to falter or give in.

  It wasn't the Cullen's she feared, Shadow had already made that clear. It was their world and the nature of it that scared her.

  "I could have handled it," Shadow insisted, annoyed as she took her own step closer. They were in each other's faces now. Her anger turned to rage, but she held it back.

  She wouldn't hurt them again, not in words or physicality.

  Though, Edward seemed far less adept at holding back, "Yeah, because you were doing so well just standing there. You would have let that van kill—"

  "That's enough," Carlisle's cut in, just before Edward could finish. There was that fatherly authority to his voice.

  It was too late. Edwards words were like a punch to the gut and they stung. She knew what he was going to say, but she wanted that confirmation. Give me a reason to keep her from you, she thought.

  Shadow drew herself up. "No, please enlighten us, Edward. What would I have done?" She demanded, her nails digging crescent moons into her skin. Carlisle's warnings were background noise now.

  Edward ignored the glare from Carlisle as he leaned in close. "You would have let that van kill her," he said, teeth bared.

  Shadow froze, but she saw the words coming and had already built her walls. The moments after were almost a blur as Shadow sneered, fingers reaching out to snatch at Edward's wrist. As her warm fingers wrapped around his cool skin, it was as if something inside Shadow shifted out of place.

  Her mind went back to the almost-accident; her terror, her thoughts, the memory of her father, and the guilt she felt when it was all over.

  "Not if I could have helped it," Shadow spat and the moment was broken. Whatever had shifted seemed to snap into place and Shadow pulled away. "When she needs me, I'll be there. Until then, I'll do everything I can to stop this from happening again."

  Shadow stepped away from the group, noting Edward's stunned expression as she turned and walked away. But, her mind was too preoccupied to revel in the small victory, because Edward was right; she'd been a coward and the cost had nearly been fatal.

Edited 02/15/2016 @12:27 AM
Edited 10/01/2016 @1:19 AM
Edited 10/01/2017 @3:15 AM
Edited 08/02/2019 @4:55 AM