CHAPTER TWELVE.
( pulling bonds. )

TRIGGER WARNING:
MINOR MENTIONS OF TOXIC
RELATIONSHIPS/HABITS.

  SHADOW WAS QUIET, AT A LOSS for words in a way that struck her as odd. It wasn't often that the Swan girl found herself speechless. More often than not, her quick-witted mouth spoke faster than she could think.

  This simply wasn't like her.

  Yet, she was silent as she sat in the seat across from Carlisle. They were in his office, separated only by the desk between them. Shadow tried to keep her eyes trained on the wall, but as the stillness continued, she found her gaze wandering.

  The room seemed to capture the very essence of Carlisle Cullen; simple, but refined. A subtle elegance in its design. Nothing too lavish, but the odds and ends made it clear that this wasn't just the in-home office of a small-time family doctor.

The full shelves of books told of his limitless knowledge, while the portraits on the walls told of his taste. It was such an interesting sight that it left her in awe. Another thing she wasn't used to.

  However, Shadow knew better than to let herself get distracted. She had a purpose. A reason for being here. She tried to work up the courage to speak. There were so many things that she wanted to say, so many things that she wanted to know.

And no idea where to start.

  Instead, she bit her tongue and kept quiet, clammy hands folded neatly in her lap. For an infinitesimal second, Shadow almost wished for Jasper's presence. But, she was just as quick to dismiss that impulse.

She felt annoyed at even indulging the thought. Shadow didn't need Jasper by her side to function. She wasn't helpless. The Swan girl had learned long ago to be her own strength.

So, why was it so easy to lean on him when he was there?

  Shadow shook it off. She had to do this on her own. Not just to prove herself, but because there were certain things that she needed to ask. Private things. Nothing that might have seemed too important in the larger scheme of things, but it was something Shadow needed to understand before she could let this friendship with Jasper and the Cullen's continue.

  "Can you tell me what a banshee is, Shadow?"

At the sound of Carlisle's voice, Shadow looked up, her mouth dry as she realized that this was where everything became real. All of the supernatural world would be completely tied to her life after this.

  If she answered that question, there would be no turning back. She still didn't know if she was ready to accept it. But, she was willing enough to try, if only to keep her family safe from herself.

  Shadow smiled, half-hearted, "I'm assuming Google wasn't exactly telling the full truth when it pointed me in the direction of Irish folklore."

  Carlisle cracked a small smile, but his expression was serious. Shadow bit down hard on her lip. She wanted so desperately for the tension to ease, but she also knew that her outburst the day before couldn't have helped.

  Carlisle and the rest of the Cullen family didn't know how to react around her anymore. At best, Shadow was a ticking time-bomb. At worst, she was already on the verge of exploding.

  "Not exactly," Carlisle began, "Banshee's are incredibly rare to come across. They're a dying people, nearing extinction. For all that we know, you could very well be the last of your kind, and unlike vampires, banshee's can't be made. They're born the way that they are."

  Shadow's heart plummeted in a way she hadn't been expecting. Nearing extinction? This had to be some twisted version of karma. Some type of inescapable loneliness as punishment for some past-life choices.

  Shadow let herself sink back into her chair. She hadn't even realized how badly she wanted real guidance until now, when it was no longer an option. Was it even possible to mourn something you never had?

  She had no one to turn to if she needed it. No community to teach her or lean on. What did that mean for her control? Doubt swirled in Shadow's thoughts.

  Hell, she was probably one of the first banshee's Carlisle and the Cullen's had ever met. Shadow felt guilty, but she couldn't help but question how far their help extended. If she wanted to learn to gain control, were they really capable of teaching that to her?

  Shadow looked up as Carlisle chuckled softly. "I understand your doubts. You may be the first banshee I've ever met, but I wouldn't have said I could help you if I couldn't."

  Carlisle's eyes were kind as he looked at her. "Over the years, I've had to learn a lot about what I am and the world I fit into. I like to think that what I know is reliable." His tone was reassuring enough to relieve Shadow.

  She was grateful that he was capable of helping her, but some part of her was still stuck on the idea of being the last of her kind.

  "Don't worry," Carlisle began, somehow wisened to how Shadow felt. "It's very doubtful that you're the last living banshee, but it is a possibility we have to consider. I'm sure if you ever come to need it, we could find someone better suited to helping you."

  The words were an obvious attempt to comfort the Swan girl— and she let it as her smile softened. In truth, she knew that she was incredibly lucky to have Carlisle's support through this. The Cullen's had always treated her with a gentleness that Shadow wasn't sure she deserved. It was gratifying to know that there was someone she could turn to and trust with the secrets she'd kept buried for so long.

  Shadow had no idea where to even begin thanking them for all that they'd done for her. But, now wasn't the time or place. So, Shadow sat patiently as she listened to Carlisle instead.

  "Banshee's predict death with their wails, that much is true, but there are other aspects to it." Carlisle gave a graceful wave of his hand. "A banshee doesn't always simply predict death. As time went on, your kind had to evolve with the changes the world underwent."

  Carlisle paused. Shadow saw that same, sad expression in his eyes. "Your kind had to protect yourself from more... unnatural dangers, like vampires," he finished.

  Shadow inhaled sharply, recalling the irrational fear she'd felt when she'd first seen Jasper. Only now did she realize that it had been the look in his eyes that set her off— that hunger. Maybe it had been some reaction hidden deep in who she was, something that told her to beware. To run.

  Carlisle stood. "From what I've read during my time in the Volturi archives, banshee's are each given an ability. Sometimes more than one, depending on the strength of their bloodline." The Cullen man hardly seemed to notice the shift right then, with his back turned to Shadow.

  Upon registering his words, the Swan girl reeled back. It felt as if she'd been slapped. "Bloodline?" She sputtered out, turning to Carlisle as he moved towards the bookshelves.

  It wasn't that she struggling to understand what he meant. It was just that, deep down, there was a part of her that didn't want to. "You mean it's genetic?"

  Carlisle turned slowly to Shadow and his expression was pained. It was clear that he didn't enjoy being the one to reveal this to her. This was something that should have been personal, intimately explained by family.

  Not in the home of a man she hardly knew.

  Shadow shook her head. There was a part of her that still couldn't believe it. How could she not know? Banshee's were female, how could her parents have hidden it from her? How could Charlie?

  "But, my mom—" Shadow paused as memory rushed to the surface, her breath releasing in one, shaky exhale.

  Shadow could remember her first screaming fit like it was yesterday, but when it happened wasn't important. It was what occured afterwards that mattered. She could remember waking up to shouting that night.

  Her father, distressed as he argued with her mother, "I didn't know how to tell you!"

  "Dad," Shadow breathed out. She felt deflated. How could he have kept this from her? Why had only she been left in the dark?

  "I remember my parents arguing the night after my first fit." Shadow kept her eyes trained on the desk in front of her, but she could feel Carlisle's stare all the same.

  Shadow huffed a humorless laugh, "They both knew and they never told me." Instead, they'd let her suffer all this time thinking she was just one step away from crazy.

  Carlisle appeared at her side, resting one hand on her shoulder. "He likely didn't know how to react, Shaden. Try not to reflect too harshly on his memory because of it."

  Shadow kept her eyes averted, but she knew that he was right. As much as it stung to be lied to, she couldn't let it ruin what memories she had left of her father. There was a never a moment where she'd been neglected by him, or where he'd shown contempt for what she was.

  There had only been distress and an overabundance of doctors that he sought out for help.

  Shadow nodded, "Tell me more about the abilities." She wanted to change the topic. Dwelling on her past had never been good idea before and it wasn't going to start being one now. She could already feel her chest beginning to wind itself into a knot.

  Carlisle nodded and lifted his hand from her shoulder, "In more recent times, the archive noted that banshee's who could identify being in the presence of a vampire was no longer an ability on its own. Rather, it became necessary for survival."

  Shadow furrowed her brow, "Survival?" She was beginning to notice a pattern in the way Carlisle regarded the topic of banshee capabilites. He was almost emphasizing the way they'd adapted. But, something must have occurred to kickstart that adaptation.

  The question now was simply; what had been so threatening, that it forced her kind to change in order to survive?

  Carlisle turned his head away and that was when Shadow knew. She tried to ignore the chill that crawled its way across her skin as he began to explain.

  The Cullen man paced the wall of shelves. "A banshee's blood is different from human blood, Shadow. It's more rich— and it left your kind vulnerable to attracting vampires with a taste for humans."

  Carlisle couldn't bring himself to look at her, but she understood.

  "Jasper?" She asked, seeking confirmation. She found it when the Cullen man ceased his pacing. That was what had set the Hale boy off when they'd first met, why his thirst and his anger always seemed harder to control around her.

  "You have to understand, Jasper is the newest addition to our coven. He's still struggling to adjust to this kind of lifestyle, but he would never hurt you." Carlisle was facing her now, his gaze imploring the Swan girl to see the side of Jasper he saw.

  Someone willing to change; someone willing to be better than what his nature intended.

  Shadow gave a weak smile. She didn't need convincing. She knew well enough how determined Jasper was to keep her safe, even when he thought that meant from himself.

  "You don't have to tell me, Carlisle," she spoke softly. "I trust him with my life."

  Putting what she felt about Jasper into words was strange— and even stranger upon realizing that she was admitting it to Carlisle. But, they were the truth, even if she didn't understand the how. All she could do was ask that they explain and, if not now, then eventually.

  Carlisle nodded before he continued speaking. "Alongside their adaptation, banshee abilities began to grow stronger as well. There are some capable of protecting themselves against the special skills some vampire manifest."

  Shadow knew she shouldn't have, but she couldn't help it. Hope filled her fast as she turned her eager eyes to Carlisle.

  "However, the strength of that ability doesn't always have a determined nature. Most banshees can only block those that hold high-threat against them."

  Shadow deflated.

  Carlisle didn't appear to notice her disappointment as he reclaimed his seat. That, or he didn't mention it. "I think this may be one of your abilities, considering that your mind is resistant to Edward's telepathy."

  Shadow was suddenly struck with confusion. "That doesn't make sense. So, I can resist Edward picking around in my mind, but Jasper is free to mess with my emotions?" The Swan girl couldn't help her bitterness. If this was her ability, it was doing a pretty lousy job.

And what about the way Edward had looked at her when they first met? Like he'd been tuned into every thought in her head. As if he could figure her out with a glance...

  Carlisle gave a gentle shrug, "Like I said, it means you're only resistant to some abilities— not all. Jasper's are different from Edward's. They're not as invasive nor do they cause much harm if you're able to differentiate your true emotions from what he can make you feel."

  Shadow resisted the urge to scoff. Someone being capable of feeling and swaying her emotions sounded pretty invasive to her. Still, Shadow said nothing as Carlisle continued.

  "Banshee's can also mask their presence from both normal and tracker-skilled vampires if needed." Carlisle didn't elaborate on what a vampire with a tracker-skill was. Shadow found that the name alone was enough to keep her from asking.

  Carlisle paused, clearly wondering at something as he watched Shadow. He must have sensed her beginning to hold back on her questions, because the conversation came to a halt. Her fingers twitched in nervous anticipation.

"There are more abilities," he said, "but for now I think the most important thing to discuss is your screams." Shadow's interest sparked back to life.

  Carlisle met the Swan girl's eyes, inquiring. "Which is what you came back for, right?"

Shadow nodded and the Cullen man mirrored the action. "It shouldn't be hard to teach you to control the scream itself. But, before that, teaching you to scream on command may be the best option. If you can learn that, control will come a lot easier."

  Shadow quickly muttered her agreement. She hadn't realized how much she'd been counting on those words. It lifted a weight from her chest that she'd learned to expect. What was life going to be like now that she knew she was no longer a loaded gun?

  The ginger gave a thoughtful hum, "What do I do for now?" It may have been asking too much of him to start the lessons right away, but Shadow was both eager and terrified of hurting someone again.

"I can't control this part of myself on my own yet," she said, "and I'm scared of hurting the people around me because of it."

  Carlisle was silent for a few moments, simply staring at the Swan girl as he contemplated her words. Shadow remained patient as ever under his watchful gaze, but she couldn't deny how uneasy it made her feel. With every second that passed, the Swan girl bit down harder on her cheek.

  It wasn't until she could no longer stand it that Carlisle spoke up. "What do you feel when you're around Jasper, Shaden?"

Shadow's cheeks flushed. It wasn't what she'd been expecting and it left her flustered for a response.

  "I don't know," she said truthfully. Shadow thought it over, knowing she couldn't just leave it at that. She didn't know what it had to do with controlling her screams, but she trusted Carlisle enough with this, even if it left her face flooding with warmth.

  "I guess I feel safe," she mused, "When I'm with him, it's like the feeling you get when you finally remember something. Things finally make sense again and everything afterwards comes easier."

  Truthfully, it was more than that. Deeper than what words could say. Shadow looked away. "It scares me," she admitted, hoping he wouldn't misinterpret what she meant.

  It wasn't that she was afraid of Jasper. It was that the suddenness of her feelings terrified her. She wasn't an irrational person, so why was she acting irrationally? She kept giving into him without a second thought as to what it meant and it only seemed to bind them tighter.

  Carlisle's gaze was boring into her now, but it wasn't unkind, only calculating. "Even so, you feel safe enough that your screams seem to cease every time he's there beside you."

Shadow gave him a look wavering on the edge of wary. Suddenly, she wasn't quite sure if she wanted to hear what Carlisle had to say. Not if it left them bound tighter. Shadow was suffocating enough as it was.

  Carlisle seemed to understand that he was crossing into dangerous territory, yet he continued. "Sometimes there are things we can't explain— and things that are too strong and too inevitable to be brushed off as coincidence."

Shadow wanted to stop him; tell him to quit and forget that she'd ever said anything. But, she couldn't. Too torn between forgetting anything had ever happened and the need to know more.

  "I think Jasper was meant to keep your screams at bay. To be someone who could keep you grounded."

Shadow couldn't look away from Carlisle's golden eyes, from the intention hidden just behind his words. "That's what those feelings are, Shadow. Jasper is someone you can hold onto when you fear you're going to lose control."

  Shadow stood up abruptly. "Stop," she pleaded.

  Carlisle got up with her, careful and slow. She was a deer in headlights all over again. "This doesn't have to mean what you think it means, Shaden. But, some things are meant to happen."

  Shadow laughed, overwhelmed and unable to help herself. "What? Like fate?" She wanted to scoff at it, but the truth was that she was scared of how much Carlisle's words made sense.

She felt that bond. She knew how strong it was and how right it felt. She couldn't deny it, but that didn't mean it frightened her any less.

  Carlisle seemed to understand that she was reaching her limits. He sat back down, as if to show her that he meant no harm. Shadow followed him, trying to slow her racing thoughts. She was hesitant, as she was of everything nowadays, but she couldn't help what she felt.

  She wanted to take that chance, to see if maybe she could find a place that was solely hers. Yet, at the same time, that was exactly what scared her. It meant accepting things as they were— even without explanation.

  Everything seemed so hard to believe right then, but the truth was sitting right in front of her. There would always be things she didn't understand— and this connection with Jasper was only one of them. Shadow wanted, more than anything, for it to be her simply overthinking it.

  But, she knew that what she felt for the Hale boy was more than that. She could feel that it was more than that. Whatever bonded her with him was something almost entirely inescapable.

Shadow looked at the wall, where the light from the setting sun had broken through the trees. "Maybe it isn't just coincidence after coincidence," she agreed.

  "Maybe some things are just meant to happen and we have no control over them." Shadow looked back to Carlisle, where the sun seemed to pause just before his figure. "But, it doesn't explain these feelings," she told him.

"I know who I am, Carlisle, and I'm not the type of person who falls blindly in love with the first, kind smile she sees." Shadow found herself proven right as Carlisle averted his eyes, a smile curling at the edges of his lips.

  Her heart faltered, but she kept her composure. She wanted the truth and she would get it, even if it always came at her too hard and too fast. But, her life had always been filled with hard truths.

  There was something more to her and Jasper and she was determined to find out what it was. "There's something there," she pushed on. "I don't know what to call it, but I know it's growing into something stronger. I can feel it."

Shadow leaned closer, insisting. "Carlisle, I need to know what it is and if I can stop it."

  Carlisle's lips parted in mild shock. He seemed to take her words with surprise. Shadow couldn't exactly bring herself to feel apologetic.

"I can't let myself be so attached to someone I hardly know. I don't want to be pulled any deeper into this world than I already am." Shadow was openly pleading now as she spoke. Anxiety was creeping in.

  "I know that Jasper is a good person. I know he wouldn't hurt me," she insisted, "but this world isn't one I'm ready to start living in. I thought that I could do it, but I'm not ready!"

She shook her head, feeling that box she'd shoved down beginning to burst at the seams. "Some of these things seem so far out of the reach that it's hard to even comprehend," she whispered, her heart heavy as she finished.

  She hadn't meant to say so much, but it was already too late. Shadow looked up from where her gaze had fallen, watching as Carlisle thought over her words. Her throat felt tight with panic.

It made her almost hysterical. "How am I supposed to accept this?" She finally asked, desperate for an answer.

  Shadow didn't have to wait long for Carlisle's reply. "Not everything has an explanation. The biggest cause of your stress, Shaden, is your desire for an understanding that we don't always have."

  "Having a reliance on someone isn't always bad, but it's also true that it isn't always good. That doesn't mean you should resist it. What you have with Jasper, it might not have any explanation. But, that doesn't mean it has to be scary. Can you accept that? Can you try?" Carlisle's voice was earnest.

  Shadow didn't exactly know the answer to that question yet, but he was right.

  The Swan girl thought about the evidence, the things that seemed impossible but no longer were. She chose not to think of the why, but rather the acceptance that these things just were. No explanation, just simply existing. This was what her reality was now.

  The full acceptance of this would be slow, but Shadow understood.

She exhaled a calming breath. "I can try," she told him, her words a near-whisper.

Carlisle nodded and stood, walking around his desk so that he could politely help the Swan girl from her seat. Shadow took his hand and rose. The coldness of his skin was nearly stinging against her warmth.

  "I think we've discussed enough for today."

→

  As Shadow made her way down the stairs, she couldn't help but notice the silence in the house. A part of her felt guilty for having the nerve to kick the Cullen's out of their own home. She frowned, trying to think of a new apology to give as she exited the house.

Shadow let the brisk air cool her skin for a moment, pausing before she made her way towards her motorcycle. She let everything sink in as she began strapping on her helmet. She was a supernatural creature— a banshee.

A single scream from her could cause even the most invincible creatures pain.

Shadow took a deep intake of air and closed her eyes. 'But I'm still me, I won't let that change just because of this. I'll always be Shadow Swan and I'll never let go of that.' Because losing herself, whether that be in the abyss of fear or sadness, was what Shadow was most afraid of.

  She started up her bike, turning sharply in a shower of rocks and dirt. She promised herself that, if this connection was truly meant for her, she wouldn't abandon who she was. Not for anyone.

And certainly not for Jasper Hale.

  Shadow Swan wouldn't wither in the way her mother had in the wake of grief and loss. Catherine Swan had been ill long before her father's passing, Shadow knew that. But, it still terrified her to imagine not being able to live without another person.

  So, Shadow had vowed to never let it happen to herself.

  She loved her mother, but she couldn't help but feel bitter over the way she'd gone. Was it wrong of her to feel that it was unfair? Shadow pushed the thought aside. She ignored the stinging of her eyes and instead pressed a little harder on the speed.

  Shadow would not lose herself.

Edited 02/11/2016 @12:02 AM
Edited 09/18/2016 @5:52 AM
Edited 09/29/2017 @1:46 AM