[A/N: Warning: Much angst, much smut, much fluff.]

Dear Patrick,

If I remember rightly, the last time I wrote one of these, I was sitting outside your bedroom door.

I don't think I'll ever forget that New Year's Eve.

-

It took me ages to pluck up the courage to open that door. I really wanted to know whether you were okay, what am I talking about, of course you weren't, but at the same time, I was terrified of what might happen. I had no idea what kind of state you were gonna be in, maybe you'd be angry, or scared, maybe you wouldn't talk at all.

I knew I had to apologise, though. It was all my fault, I still hated myself for thinking that you'd want to have sex with me after what I did to you. I shouldn't have brought it up, I should have known it would upset you. Why am I always so fucking stupid?

Because at that point, I didn't realise I had completely the wrong end of the stick.

Taking a deep breath, I twisted the door handle.

"Patrick?" I said quietly, creeping into your bedroom.

It was almost completely dark. The pale moonlight shone through the window, casting a ghostly glow over everything.

I peered around blindly, looking for any sign of you. "Patrick?" I said again, beginning to get a bit worried.

From the corner of the room, I heard the tiniest little sniff. It came from behind me.

I whipped round, ready to punch whatever psychopath had crept in to murder both of us. But there was no-one there.

I breathed out, but still kept my eyes on the open door and the hallway beyond. Then I heard that sniff again.

It was only when I swung the door shut that I saw the hunched up boy in the corner. He had his knees pulled up to his chest and his face hidden in them, his body curled between the door and wall. I swear I felt my heart break a little.

"Patrick."

You didn't move. You didn't even look up at me. "Leave me alone." You whispered.

"Please talk to me."

No answer.

I crept towards you, shutting the door fully and plunging the room back into blackness. All I could make out of you was the silver silhouette the moon had outlined you with, as if it wanted me to see you. Quietly, I sunk to the floor beside you, resisting the urge to touch you.

"I'm so sorry." I said, my voice cracking a little.

"Go away."

I told myself you didn't mean that, and decided to just say everything I should've said a long time ago. "No, let me apologise. I should never have assumed you'd want to...y'know. I just...I hate myself for what I did. I'll never, ever be able to forgive myself. But...I'm not that person any more, I promise you that. I will never hurt you again. Never."

"What?" I heard you say quietly. I looked up, and saw that you'd lifted your head, the light dancing on your features. Feeling relief that you'd finally showed your face, I gazed into your moonlit eyes and made sure you knew exactly how serious I was about this.

"I'm so sorry for what I did. I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

"Regret what?" Confusion swept through your hoarse voice, and my brain.

Wait, what? Surely you knew, surely that was the reason you'd run off, the reason you were curled up in the corner? "Uh...nearly...nearly...well, what I did that time after the tour meeting? Isn't that why you're upset?"

"What? No!" You said, shock lifting your tone.

"But...that's what we were just talking about, on the couch? I thought that was the reason you didn't wanna, like, have sex and stuff?" By this point I was completely bewildered. How could that not be the reason? I'd spent so long thinking over why you hadn't wanted to, and this had to be it.

"No. No, it's not." You sighed, putting your head back to your knees. "So...you don't know the real reason?"

"Evidently not."

"Oh."

I waited for a few seconds, watching you chew on your bottom lip. I think I was expecting you to tell me, but of course it wasn't going to be that easy. "So what is it?" I said, gently as I could. To be honest, I was really fucking relieved I'd been wrong.

You stayed silent.

"Patrick?"

You brought your knees tighter to your chest and hid your face again.

"Please, baby, please tell me."

After a little while, you mumbled into your jeans. "Isn't it obvious?"

I nearly laughed. I'd spent so long thinking about what this coveted reason could be, I knew how completely un-obvious it was. "No."

I waited for you to speak, but you didn't. You just sat there in the moonlight, your skin even paler than usual, tinged with blue.

"Is it me?" I asked cautiously, wondering what else I could have done wrong.

You answered almost immediately. "No."

The word was so strong and so certain, I completely believed you, feeling relief rush through me. Okay, it's fine, it's not me. I'd been so scared that I'd done something to hurt you, I didn't even consider that maybe something else was hurting you. "Then what is it? Maybe I can help?"

"You can't help."

"Try me." I said determinedly, crossing my arms.

You sighed. Raising your head, you pressed your fingers into your eyes, trying to think of the right words. "I...don't want you to...to see."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "See what?"

"See...me." You gestured to yourself, then buried your head again.

"Why?"

"Isn't it obvious?!" You repeated, frustration seeping through your quiet voice.

"No." I said right back, trying to get my head around all this. "Why wouldn't you want me to to see you? Wha – Oh..." I thought I'd struck gold, and lowered my voice to a gentle whisper. "Is it...the scars? Because you can't even see them any more, you're all healed now, and -"

"No, it's not the fucking scars!" You yelped, your grip on your knees tightening.

"Then what?!" I exclaimed, confusion overwhelming me. "What could possibly be so wrong with you that you wouldn't want me to see you?"

"I'm fucking fat, that's what!"

I blinked at you.

Your cracked words hung in the air between us. Whatever comeback I'd planned dissolved in my throat. You threw your arms over your face and shuffled further into the corner.

The seconds ticked past, and in my search for words, I only found one that truly reflected what I was feeling.

"So?" I whispered.

You raised your head slowly. Now it was your turn to look bewildered.

"You think it makes you less beautiful?"

"Well...obviously." You said slowly, a strange look on your face.

"Why?" I asked, shuffling a little closer to you.

You stared at me in shock, and breathed an incredulous laugh. "Because...because I'm disgusting."

Oh. Disgusting. Now it makes sense. I remembered my own words to you on the couch, it's just...disgusting, I guess. You thought I'd meant that you're disgusting. "So...so when we were talking earlier, you thought I was talking about you?"

You nodded.

Everything seemed to fall into place when I remembered the conversation. So...it bothers you? You'd said, thinking I was talking about your weight. I felt my stomach drop when I realised what I'd replied. Of course it bothers me! I hate it, baby, I really fucking hate it!

No wonder you'd got upset. God, this whole situation is so stupid.

I rubbed your shoulder gently, "I would never think things like that about you. You're perfect."

"Fuck off."

But I was quite adamant about that fact. "No, seriously, you are. And I won't have you thinking things like this, you're the opposite of disgusting. You thought I wouldn't wanna have sex with you just 'cause you have slightly more adipocytes on your body than the average Calvin Klein model? Bullshit."

You huffed at me. "Adipocytes?"

"Hell yeah, I know biology." I said, not bothering to hide the pride in my voice.

I saw the corner of your mouth twitch. "Was that a smile?" I grinned, shuffling closer so that our shoulders were touching, and wrapping an arm around you.

"No." You scowled, looking away from me.

I was gonna grab you and tickle you or something stupid to make you smile more, but the moonlight caught the tears in your eyes, and I felt my chest tighten.

Gently squeezing your shoulders, I tried to get you to look at me, wanting so badly to kiss you all over.

"How – how long have you been feeling like this?" I asked softly.

You shrugged. "I dunno. A while."

"Before we got together?"

"Uh...I guess so. But...recently I just..." you trailed off, sighing.

I traced slow circles on your arm in a silent attempt to reassure you.

"I'm just not...good enough." Your voice cracked, and you buried your face again.

I was taken aback. "Who – who aren't you good enough for?"

"Everyone. The band...the fans...my friends, my family." You whispered, pausing for a second to peek out at me. "You."

"What the fuck do you mean? Of course you're good enough, Patrick. Why the hell wouldn't you be good enough for me?" I said, trying to keep from giving you a shake and yelling in your face 'till you believed how beautiful you are.

"Well...'cause you're, like, hot and stuff." You said quietly, waving a hand towards me.

I snorted with laughter, but you kept going.

"Everyone knows you're completely out of my league. Why the hell would someone like you be attracted to someone like me?"

I rolled my eyes at you. "Look, Patrick, I've been in love with you ever since I met you. And I spent a long time thinking that someone as kind and sweet as you would never ever go for a messed up guy like me. But you did. And you've made me so fucking happy. I'd be dead without you. And don't you ever think you're not attractive, 'cause I'm looking at you now and you're the most fucking beautiful thing I've ever seen." I wasn't exaggerating, either.

You gave a weak smile, but there were still tears threatening to spill, and I could see in your eyes that you didn't believe me.

"For example," I continued, determined to rest my case, "your nose. That's pretty beautiful." I tapped it lightly with my finger, and you nearly giggled. "Your ears are, too. I usually find ears pretty creepy, but yours are so cute it's unreal." You raised your eyebrows a little, a smile touching your features. "And the way your eyes light up when I call your ears cute. Your eyes in general, really. 'Cause, like, sometimes they're really really blue, and other times they're kinda greeny, but then you have this little ring of gold in the middle so they sometimes they look golden, which is really fucking cool. And I love that you blink, like, a billion times a second."

You smiled slightly, so I carried on.

"And don't even get me started on your lips. I just wanna-" I paused for a second, unable to tear my gaze from your mouth, then leaned in and kissed you softly. "- all the time." I finished. "And then there's everything else. Your fingers, your toes, your cute little tummy." I tickled said tummy and you squirmed, batting my hands away yet giggling all the same.

You shuffled a little bit closer to me, and I wrapped both my arms around your bundled body and held you tight, whispering gently in your ear.

"And your soul. That's the most beautiful thing of all."

You smiled then, wide and sparkling and real. "Thank you."

I laughed a little. "I'm only telling the truth."

"I love you."

"I love you too." I grinned, and brought your lips to mine.

It started off gentle, my hands cupping your face and stroking your skin, but I felt my heart jump when it seemed you had other plans. You ran your fingers through my hair and deepened the kiss, sitting up slightly so we could be closer, clutching the back of my head and placing a hand on my chest.

After a few moments, you pulled back, slightly out of breath, our noses still touching. You looked me straight in the eyes through the darkness.

"I wanna do it." You breathed, kissing me again quickly.

I pushed you back a bit and stared at you, a look of determination on your face. "Are – are you sure?"

You nodded profusely, "Yeah, I'm sure."

"You don't have to just 'cause of what I said, I wasn't trying to pressure you -"

"No, I want you to fuck me now please."

I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face, excitement buzzing through me. "O-okay."

You smiled, but your confidence faltered a little, and past the determination in your eyes, there was nervousness.

"We honestly don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"No, no, I do want to, I just...I've never done it like this before. Is that okay?"

I kissed you again before responding. "Yeah, baby, that's okay. Don't be worried about that. I wanna make you feel amazing."

You smiled, a little hesitant. "Is...is it gonna hurt?"

"Uh...yeah, a little bit. But I promise it gets better."

You thought for a moment. "Okay. Okay, let's fucking do this. Or, let's do this fucking." You grinned, shoving your lips back to mine.

I held you tightly as we kissed, and started to get to my feet, bringing you with me. Once we were fully standing, you threw your arms round my neck, and without disconnecting our lips, I snaked my hands around the backs of your thighs and gently lifted you up. You made the cutest little noise of surprise, and wrapped your legs around my waist, clinging to me tightly as if I might drop you.

But all that was going through my mind as I drifted over to the bed was ohmygodohmygodohmygod because I was finally gonna get to satisfy you in every way I could.

Setting you down on the covers, I kissed you slowly, steadying you as I lowered you onto your back. I toed my socks off as I climbed onto the bed with you, placing my hands either side of your body and unable to think of anything but what you'd look like with no clothes on.

With a flick of my arm, I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it across the room, and I think you knew what was coming next because your kisses weakened a little bit. I pulled back, and saw that familiar fear flit through your eyes.

"Remember, you're beautiful." I whispered, and you smiled. Sitting up, I started to undo the buttons of your shirt, giving you a reassuring glance. And this time, you didn't stop me. I slowly revealed more of your flawless skin, running my fingers across it gently, as if it might break at any moment, and finally opened your shirt fully, revealing the torso I'd tried to picture countless times.

I pressed my lips to your collarbone, and trailed them downwards, across your chest. I gently kissed the two pale pink scars, one over your ribs, the other across your heart, barely noticeable in the moonlight. Shuffling myself down the bed a bit, I kept kissing, over the swell of your belly and towards your hips, fumbling with your belt and eventually undoing it. You helped me get your jeans off, and mine too, and they were tossed in the general direction of wherever my shirt'd gone.

My lips brushed your inner thigh, and I felt you tense, your breath catching slightly in your throat. Very, very gently, I pulled at the waistband of your boxers, letting you wriggle them down and off your legs.

I paused for a few seconds, my gaze sweeping over your bare form, and it was a fucking work of art. I'd waited so long for this, to see you naked, and now there you were, sprawled underneath me with not a scrap of clothing on you, totally mine. Fucking hell.

I made sure to prep you as much as possible so it would hurt as little as possible, and you squirmed uncomfortably at the feel of my slick fingers in places they probably shouldn't be. To distract you, I planted gentle kisses on your hips, looking up at you to see your eyes shut tight and your chest taking deep breaths.

Not being able to wait any longer, I spread your legs wide, finally getting rid of my boxers and pushing in slowly, and holy fuck did that feel good. I rose back up so I could see your face better, pressing my lips back to yours and rolling my hips. You let out a little cry of pain, your hands gripping the sheets and your knuckles bleached white.

"I'm sorry," I said between kisses, "it'll get better, I swear."

Building up a steady rhythm, I sucked at your skin, the moonlight making the red marks look purple. You began to relax a little, breathing slowly and deeply in time with my thrusts. When I snaked my hand down towards your hips, I wrapped my fingers around you and started to pump up and down, and you let out this heavenly noise, and that combined with how fucking good you felt around me nearly sent me over the edge.

Pushing your legs apart more so I could get a better angle, I started to pick up speed, moaning into your mouth as I kissed you.

Then, I felt myself hit that special spot inside you.

"Holy shit!" You yelled, your eyes flying open and your breath quickening.

"You like that, baby?" I murmured into your ear, feeling my ecstasy getting closer with each thrust.

Your moan of pleasure gave me my answer. You ran your fingers up and down my back, kissing me harder and sighing breathlessly as I kindled your orgasm.

"Pete...jesus fucking christ...that's amazing...right there...fuck..." You gushed, and if I hadn't been so off my face on the heat between us, I would've laughed. I didn't think you'd be so talkative.

It only spurred me on though, I could feel the sweat building on your skin, your hair starting to stick to your face, your neck arching and you mouth hanging open, and it was so hot and I realised how much better sex is when you're in love, I'd never felt anything like it, it just made everything better, every touch of your skin, every moan that spilled from your lips was filling my head and my hips and my heart.

With all my strength, I thrust into you, once, twice, three times, each time eliciting a high-pitched whine from you, and on the fourth time, your back arched and you let out a loud yell, your eyes rolling back into your head as pleasure shuddered through you. Your muscles tightened around me, and that was enough to get me yelling too, the high hitting me like a train, my head spinning.

My hips slowed to a stop, blissful exhaustion spreading through me. I kissed your lips again slowly, my eyes half-lidded, before pretty much just collapsing on top of you, sweat still shimmering on your skin and your limbs strewn about you. We both breathed heavily, and I could hear your fluttering heartbeat as I rested my head on your chest, wondering how I got to be so lucky.

"Holy shit," you said again, and I smiled against your skin.

-

After that, we just sorta dozed for ages, drunk on each other's company. Eventually, once the heat had faded, we realised it was kinda cold 'cause it was winter and we had no clothes on. We took the top blankety thing off the bed first, 'cause it covered in sweat and, um, other things, before snuggling under the duvet.

I wanted to make the most of your nakedness, so I held you close to me, placing a hand on your butt and just sorta cupping it, and wondering how a butt could feel so pretty. You didn't protest, wrapping your arms around me and pulling the covers up, resting your head on my shoulder.

I don't even know how long we drifted in and out of sleep for, all I know is that when I looked at the clock, it was seven minutes to midnight.

"Hey, Patrick," I said gently, shaking your shoulder. "It's nearly 2008."

Your eyes fluttered open, resting momentarily on the clock before meeting my own gaze. "I forgot about that."

"It's gotta go a long way to beat this year." I said, kissing you on the forehead to let you know that you were the reason this year was so good. "So much has changed." Yeah, namely me.

"I think it ended better than it started." You murmured, and holy crap were you right. This time last year, I was still with Mikey, pretending not to be completely in love with you.

"Definitely. The last few hours were pretty good." I grinned.

"Yeah. Did – did I do okay?"

I cuddled you tighter. "You were absolutely fucking amazing."

"So...you're not put off?"

"No, I'm turned on." I smirked, giving your butt a squeeze just 'cause I could. Then, I dropped my smile and tilted your face up towards me. "Seriously, though. You're so beautiful, don't you ever doubt it. And you're fucking hot too, Jesus Christ."

You laughed, and your eyes lit up. I could actually see you properly now, since we'd had the ingenious idea of turning the lights on when we were done. Your skin was no longer pale and bluish, it was bathed in the soft golden glow of the lamp on your bedside table.

"Sorry for making you wait," you said softly.

"You were worth it." I whispered back, nuzzling your face with my nose 'cause I thought that was a cute thing to do.

"My butt hurts," you mumbled into the crook of my neck.

I laughed a little. "Yeah, sorry about that. Want me to kiss it better?"

"Nah, I'm okay, thanks. My butt has had quite enough action for one day."

"Would it be up for some more action at some point in the future?" I said hopefully.

"It wouldn't be completely opposed to it."

"Good." I grinned, then folded back the covers to reveal said butt. Leaning towards it, I cooed "I'm glad to hear it. See you again soon." I patted it lightly.

You deadpanned. "Did you just talk to my butt?"

"Yes."

"You're weird."

"I know."

You sighed and shook your head, but cuddled me all the same. I pulled the covers back up around us, and thought for a few moments.

"Do you have any New Year's resolutions?" I said suddenly.

You stirred. "Hmm...I dunno. I wanna make another record."

"Really? We only just made one."

"Yeah, but I wanna do another one. Like, a really really good one."

"Were our other ones that bad?"

"Nah, I just want something different, y'know? Something to make people go ooh, this is interesting. So you better get writing some killer lyrics."

I laughed. "Okay. I'll get on it."

"Do you have any resolutions?" You asked, looking up at me curiously.

"Yeah. To stay clean. Like, forever. And to keep my plant alive. Oh, and to get better at cooking."

"I know you'll stay clean. And you're already amazing at cooking."

"You only think that 'cause the most you can cook is a ready meal," I grinned.

"Hey!" You exclaimed, batting my arm. Then you sighed. "Yeah, true."

"One minute to go." I said, looking at the clock.

"Pete," you asked quickly, "can – would you mind promising me one thing?"

Concern flooded me, and I frowned at you. "Yeah, what is it?"

"Please – no more April Fools'."

Concern was replaced by guilt. "Never again. Never. I promise." I said, slow and meaningful. "I'm so sorry."

You smiled reassuringly. "It's okay, it's forgotten. One day though, I'll get you back," you smirked, "one April Fools', I'll get you so good, I swear. You better watch your back."

I raised my eyebrows. "Okay, tiger, now I'm scared."

"You should be." You said, poking me on the nose. "Oh, hey, look!" You suddenly squeaked, "happy New Year!"

It was bang on midnight. Then I realised something. "Holy fuck, I've gotta kiss you!"

Your laughter was stifled as I took your face in my hands and dived at your mouth, taking your bottom lip between my own and sighing blissfully.

We kissed slowly for a while, before I felt fatigue tugging at my eyelids and knew that it was probably time for us to sleep properly.

Reaching out, I turned the light off, sinking down into the sheets, and taking you with me. You curled your hands firmly around my middle, and I kissed the top of your head.

"Goodnight, baby."

"Night night," you sighed sleepily.

"Happy New Year." I whispered.

We drifted into a peaceful slumber, wrapped in each other's arms.

-

That ended up being one of the best nights of my life.

I fucking love you.

I still can't quite believe I took your butt-virginity. I'd quite like a certificate for that, please. We have sex quite a lot now, it's amazing. You still ask me, like, after every time, though, whether I'm put off you or not, which is stupid 'cause nothing could ever put me off you. I wish I could make you believe that. I still see the anxiety on your face when I take your clothes off.

But you seem happier. The new year has given us lots to look forward to, and you're definitely sticking to your record resolution. Every so often, you'll appear in front of me with a guitar, and ask if this sounds alright, or what I think of that. Music has always been your escape. It only makes me wonder what you're escaping from.

We'll be just fine, though, you and me. Hopefully, I won't have to keep writing these letters for much longer, 'cause I won't have worries I need to work out, I'll just have you. And I won't be fussed about not remembering every detail of the good times, 'cause I know there'll be more just around the corner.

I can see you, across the room, lying on your front, your eyes trained on your laptop, whilst I'm furiously scribbling. It's fine, though, you think I'm writing lyrics, and you never disturb me when I'm doing that, just like I never disturb you when you've got your headphones on.

I'm wondering if maybe I should ask you to move in with me. I mean, we spend most of our time together anyway, so we may as well make it official. You could come to mine, 'cause it's bigger, but we could redecorate and make it really nice and get rid of all the bad memories.

Yeah, I'll do that. Then I'll ask you to marry me.

Love, Pete.