Final chapter! Whoop whoop! Thank you, everyone, who left kudos and comments! I'm really glad you guys liked it!

There have been many times in Wade's life when he was told he belonged in a zoo. By Wolverine. A few of his Avenger pals. Cable, once. Countless villains and mercs who had it out for his head. Basically, too many people to count. Even before, in his Special Services times, he was told to surrender himself to the iron bars of a cage.

Maybe it was his inner tree-hugger yearning for the animals to be set free, or because the last time he was in a zoo, he was attacked by a bunch of manipulated zoo employee's and given a virus that he would later spread to anyone he came in contact with, but he wasn't really fond of the idea of putting living creature in cages to be displayed to a bunch of snot-nosed kids and their puffy parents. See, imprisonment and being treated like a spectacle wasn't really his thing.

Yes, Weapon X was so fun. Thanks for asking.

The place was empty when they got there. Granted, it was also 11 o'clock at night. But, usually, there'd be at least two people present. A security guard or late night staff worker, at least, to make sure the animals were cared for. The entrance had been baringly empty when they arrived, and aside from the few off glances from animals when their sleep was disturbed, the entire facility was deserted.

"This isn't creepy at all," Slapstick said, taking long, dramatic steps across the ground. Wade tried not to play the Pink Panther theme song in his head as they stalked around display after display.

"Zoos are always creepy after- hours," Fool Killer whispered, sliding along the wall of one of the cages, gun in hand, as he peered around the bend. "All clear this way."

Wade whipped around the bend, his own weapon aimed, and cautiously continued on. "There are always certain places creepy looking in the dark. Zoo's, schools, the kid play-pens in the shopping mall. It's mandatory. Anything sweet and cute is automatically terrifying in the dark."

Slapstick perked up, as if a thought crossed his mind, "Like me?"

"You," Solo said, "are always creepy."

"Las muñecas siempre han sido la encarnación del diablo," Masacre put in with a serious nod.

"Are you calling me creepy too, Masacre?" Slapstick slapped a hand over his chest, recoiling as if he'd been threatened with mutilation.

Masacre sighed, griping his katanna tightly. "Yo no dije eso. Pero tal vez lo sabrías si te molestaras en aprender español."

"Was that offensive? I feel like that was offensive."

"Amplía tu mente y aprende un nuevo idioma. Los ingleses que hablan inglés no se dan cuenta de lo fácil que es tenerlo cuando se trata de comunicarse en este lugar. Al menos en México mis amenazas fueron entendidas."

Solo, Fool Killer, Terror, Stingray, and Slapstick stared at him.

"Er...okay...," Fool Killer shrugged.

"Si no disfrutara de tu compañía, te mataría a todos."

"Hush, kids," Wade said over his shoulder. "If I hear any more arguing I'll turn this mission of death right around. Don't tempt me."

As good as an old fashionable squabble was, there just wasn't time for any of that now. Every second he was in this place made his insides feel antsier and antsier. He much preferred when he was doing the hunting. Not being the prey lured into a trap.

"Keep an eye out for Peter," he added.

"I would love to," Solo grumbled, twirling his gun hand from hand, "But I don't exactly know what he looks like, so it makes the 'looking' for him part rather difficult."

Wade rolled his eyes, "Believe me, you'll know if when you see him. He has this brown, fluffy hair that makes you want to run your fingers through it, and beautiful brown eyes that you can get lost in for hours. He really likes pretzels and slushies, so if he escaped, it's not impossible that he went there for a little recovery first."

"Right. Because pretzels make all traumatic experience better," Fool Killer said.

"Exactly! You know, why don't you check the snack-bars and vending carts," Wade grinned, turning to give him a thumbs up, "Take Terror with you. And maybe bring me back some popcorn while you're at it."

Terror crossed his arms, scowling at him through the dark shades of his glasses. It was dark out, so he hardly needed him, but Wade supposed when you had only one eye that you could pop in and out at random, lighting didn't necessarily matter. "We're not going on a snack run," he said, "If Madcap is here, we should focus on finding him and, you know, putting a stop to him. Besides, even if your little boyfriend is real, I doubt he would've escaped Madcap only to stop for slushies."

"And pretzels," Slapstick added helpfully.

Wade shook his head from side to side, not unlike a wet dog shaking water off its fur. "Right, right. Focus. Gotta stay focused. Petey's counting on me. Alright," he clapped his hands over his cheeks a few times as if to wake himself up, "Madcap is totally bonkers psycho, so he'll probably have Peter somewhere dangerous. Like dangling over a lion's den. Or trapped with the penguins, or-"

"Walking right up to us?" Stingray said.

"That's a bit of a stretch," Wade huffed, hands on his hips. "Like Madcap would let him go, just like that."

"Wade," Stingray grabbed his shoulders and twisted him around, "Look."

A figure was striding toward them, emerging out of the late-night gloom like some phantom. Their gait was stiff and uneven, arms dangling at their side, and was wearing a cheap-looking Spider-Man costume. Wade nearly dropped his gun, "Peter!" He gasped, shooting forward, "Holy shit, is that really you?"

"Deadpool, wait-" Solo grabbed his wrist and pulled him back. "Something doesn't feel right."

Every ounce of Wade wanted to tear Solo off and run to his boyfriend, but now that it was brought to his attention, Solo was right. Just like the feeling he had before he walked into his apartment, something felt off. Peter was never this quiet, even while in pain He looked so stiff, like every step hurt him. He really shouldn't be on his leg without a crutch, what the fuck was he doing? And, yeah, Wade was seeing it now. Something definitely wasn't fine and dandy here.

"He better not have done," Wade mumbled, "That fucker better not have done it."

"Wait, does this mean Deadpool was telling the truth?" Slapstick demanded incredulously, mallet dropping a few inches. "Does he actually have a boyfriend?"

"Now is not the time, Slapstick," Stingray growled, pulling his fists to his chest and squaring his stance.

"C'mon, it's a valid question!"

"Valid or not, keep our mission in mind," Stingray said. "We'll settle the boyfriend debate later."

Terror cocked his head to the side. He glanced over Stingray's defensive form and laughed, "What are you all getting worked up for. It's one guy. It's not like he's that much of a threat. We can take him easily."

Wade winced, quickly drawing his katana's, spinning them around and flexing his wrists to warm them up. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Wounded or not, a fight was coming. "I wouldn't be too sure about that, Terror."

Slowly, take a small step forward with his swords poised in front of him, Wade approached Peter. "Hey, Baby Boy," he said, "How's it going? Please tell me you're coming over here to give me a hug and a kiss, and not to rip my head off."

Peter said something under his breath and Wade stopped, inclining an ear. "What was that?"

He said it again.

"A little louder, Petey. Can't hear you."

Then, like a cold knife dragging into his skin, he heard a soft, almost gentle, "Boop." Peter tilted his head, almost innocently, though his stride didn't lessen. "Boop. Boop. Boop."

Wade took a rattling breath, flexing his fingers around the katana's handle. "Peter," he whispered, voice breaking. "Please don't...tell me he didn't...please, I know this is a horrible time, but please be joking Baby Boy."

"Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop."

The word felt like acid dripping into Wade's brain and down his spine. He shuddered a deep, bone-rattling shudder that felt like a heavy, wet blanket draping over his shoulders. He was going to cut out Madcaps tongue for making Peter say that damn word. He was going to cut out the tongues of anyone who ever said again.

"Damn you, Madcap!"

A laugh came nearby and Wade whirled around, blades centering on Madcap, who was leaning against the railing to the lion exhibit. His arms and legs were crossed, head angled inquisitively at Wade. He was at leisure. Standing there casually, like he wasn't about to get his innards cut to pieces.

"We're both damned, Deadpool," he said, tilting his hat in greeting to him, "I'm just having a little fun with mine."

"Take him out of it," Wade warned, stalking forward. "Stop messing with his mind, or so help me!"

Madcap held his hands up, "I can't. There's nothing I can do about now. We've got to wait for it to wear off. So," he put his hands down, in his lap like he was putting them in pockets, "might as well enjoy the show, amirite?"

Wade roared at him, sprinting forward, but a snag on his back pulled him back and he rolled across the ground, losing his swords in the process. Shit, he didn't even notice Peter sneaking up on him. Peter hobbled toward him now, fist clenching, body tense. His voice was getting louder, more aggressive, "Boop. Boop. Boop! Boop!"

"I fucking hate that word," Wade snarled, jumping to his feet. He held his hands out in front of him as if to stop Peter's ascent. "Hey, listen to me, Peter. Come on, your stronger than this. You're stronger than him. Fight it off!"

"Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop!"

"So help me, Parker, you're gonna hate yourself if you hurt anyone."

"Tenemos tu espalda, jefe," Masacre stated, appearing at his side with Wade's swords in hand. He handed them off to Wade, who took them gratefully.

"This is why you're my favorite, Masacre," he said.

"Rude," Slapstick muttered, appearing on his other side.

Stingray clapped Wade's shoulder, "We'll take care of your bonker-crazy boyfriend. Go get Madcap."

Wade shifted in his feet. That was the last thing he wanted to do, but he knew they were right. Madcap needed to be stopped and Wade was the best-suited one to do the stopping. Couldn't be killed. Couldn't be possessed by Madcaps freaky power. But that didn't mean he wanted to leave Peter. Peter needed him now more than ever.

He hated how Stingray was usually right.

"Alright," he said, "But you guys be careful. Don't underestimate him. And, under no circumstances, are you allowed to hurt or kill him. You do and I kill you."

"Fair nuff'," Terror shrugged, pulling out a knife, "How do you feel about a little light maiming."

Wade shot him the stink eye. "Do. Not. Hurt. Him. Or. I. Kill. You." And with that, he sprinted for Madcap.

Peter let out a loud, enraged "BOOP!" and lunged at him, but before he could make contact, Slapstick sailed by and tackled him.

"Careful," Wade warned as they rolled across the ground, but didn't look over his shoulder. He had eyes for Madcap and only him right now. It was about time this fucker got what's coming to him.

Madcap opened his arms as if to embrace Wade. Good. He could fucking embrace this. Wade spun out with the swords, cutting one of Madcaps hands off in one go, and would've got to the next if he hadn't moved.

"Oh, what a pity," Madcap sighed, looking down at his severed hand. "And I liked that one so much."

Damn it, not even cutting him was satisfying. He couldn't even feel the pain. What was the point if there wasn't a little bit of screaming involved? It only proved to make Wade madder. He needed Madcap to scream, to hurt, to regret what he did to Peter. None of this laughing and shrugging it off shit.

"You're going to die," Wade snarled, kicking Madcap back so he slammed into the railing, before shoving his katana through his stomach till the hilt touched the fabric of his costume. Madcap laughed and grabbed Wade's wrist, twisted it so it broke and Wade dropped the sword, before spinning him around so Wade's back was to him. Linking an arm around Wade's neck, Madcap pulled him close, just a neck-snap away from death.

"Promises, promises," he cooed. "Look at you so fired up. It's amazing."

"Fired up as the Human Torch," Wade grunted, jamming his elbow into Madcap side so hard it cracked his ribs. Tearing the arm away from his neck, he turned and delivered a hard punch to Madcap's jaw that made him teeter to the side.

The noise of battle at his back drew his attention and he glanced over his shoulder. The Mercs for Money were going at Peter, but it looked like they were having a harder time than they thought. Like Wade guessed, Peter wasn't pulling his punches. Thankfully, it took a hard hit to Slapsticks back, that would've snapped a normal man's spine, to get the message across to the rests of the mercs and they kept their distance. Surrounding him, but taking more cautious attacks.

"Fuck, Deadpool never said he was super-powered!" Terror roared, desperately blocking hit after hit from Peter, who, even with his cast, was making excellent ground on him. Peter feigned to the left, before switching right and grabbing Terror's rotting arm and completely ripping it from his body. With it, he batted Slapstick away like he was striking a home run, and threw the spurting, bloodied appendage into Stingray's face, who shrieked and careened from the sky and hit the gift shop across the path.

"C'mon guys, we're getting our asses handed to us by a cripple! He's got a damn broken leg, come on." Solo shouted.

"By all means," Slapstick snapped back, straightening his spine, "Have a go at him! I'd love to see your lungs collapse. You know, which is exactly what's going to happen if he punches you!"

Wade shook his head, but turned away, forcing himself to focus on his mission. They were just lucky Peter didn't have his web-shooters. THey'd all be pinned to the ground by now if he did.

Madcap was back on his feet, barely pulling Wade's katana out of his mid-section by the time Wade turned around. He rotated it in his hand, balancing the weight. "I remember all the things you used to do to me with these swords," he hummed, "Didn't you gouge my eyes one time? Ah, memories."

"Look," Wade said, squaring himself with the other sword in hand, "I'm sorry, okay." Madcap cocked his head to the side, curiously inclined, and somewhat surprised, "I shouldn't have done any of that to you. As fucked up and weird as you are, you didn't deserve that kind of treatment. I'm...I'm sorry..."

"D'awww," Madcap cooed, "That's so sweet. I suppose this is the part where I forgive you for what you've done and call off your little boyfriend."

"Well...," Wade bobbed his head, rolling his shoulders, "yeah, that'd be nice," he admitted.

Madcap hummed, stroking his chin as if thinking it over. "Hmmm...nah," he decided, "See, I couldn't call off your boy-toy even if I wanted to. Besides," he lunged forward, arching the sword over Wade's head. Wade brought his own sword up and stopped the blow from connecting. Madcap snarled at him, "I don't forgive you."

Wade pushed him off and swung at his mid-section. Madcap danced away and jabbed at him again. It was easy to out maneuver him, though, given that Wade was the superior swordsman. He grabbed Madcaps arm, holding it back while pulling his katana up to the lunatic's throat. "Just stop this, Madcap. I'm the one you want to hurt so badly. Hurt me all you want, but I'll be damned if I let you hurt my family."

"The sentiment is cute," Madcap said, pushing against him, "But not really you. I would've never pegged you as a family man. Or the type to settle in a relationship."

"I'm putting an end to this," Wade growled in his face, digging the blade farther into Madcap's neck, "And you're never going to go after my family, or Peter, ever again."

Madcap stared him in the eye, grinning broadly, "Exactly," he said and rammed his head into Wade's nose. The crack was instant. Blood gushed down his lips and soaked into the mask. Through the sharp pain, Madcap wiggled out of his grip, flung Wade around, and cut his arm off. One strong swipe upward through his armpit and the appendage was gone, flopping on the ground.

Wade screamed, a mixture of fury and pain - more fury than pain - just as the sword came down again and sliced off his other arm. Not missing a beat, Madcap crammed the sword through Wade's back, pushing it so far in, a decent amount of the blade protruded out from Wade's mid-section.

"I've been practicing that for so long," Madcap laughed in his ear, "It takes a lot to slice through an arm, you know."

"Fucker," Wade gurgled out, choking on the blood welling in his throat.

"Now," Madcap said, hefting Wade's body up, "as you said, let's put a stop to this. You're right. You are the one I want to hurt the most. But you've been killed, mutilated, and tortured so much, it's probably lost its appeal to you, hasn't it? No, you're immune to physical pain, Wade Wilson. But not emotional pain. Which is why this next part is going to be so much fun."

"Hey, Spidey," Madcap called, and Peter looked over from where he was choking Stingray, "I think it's time. C'mere, would ya?"

Peter tossed Stingray aside, throwing him into the seal exhibit below, where he landed with a splash. Terror was on the ground, having had his legs and arms torn off, Slapstick was walking around dizzily with his face smashed in, Solo was slumped against a trash can nursing what looked like a broken arm and an injured ankle, while Masacre was weakly picking his way out of the demolished gift shop he'd been thrown into.

"That's a good boy," Madcap encouraged. To Wade, he said, "He listens so well. And what a fighter. I've got to say, even with a broken leg, he's a sight to behold. Must be real nice to have someone tolerant of pain."

Wade grunted, trying to pull himself off the sword, but with Madcap's snubbed arm slung around his chest, pinning him from behind, it wasn't getting him anywhere. "What...what are you doing?" He burbled despondently.

Madcap shushed him, "Just watch."

Peter was limping heavier now, almost on the verge of falling over. He was probably in so much pain. But nothing, not even a broken leg, could pull him from Madcap's influence. He was hurting himself, uncaring that he was only making his leg worse. When he was closer, Madcap pushed them both forward, as if to meet him in the middle.

"Why don't you come give your boyfriend a hug," Madcap suggested, edging Wade closer. "Maybe even a kiss while you're at it."

Peter nodded dazedly, giving him an approving "Boop," even though his eyes were pinned to Wade.

"I thought you said you couldn't tell him what to do?" Wade growled, thrashing some more.

"Nuh-uh. I said I can't pull him out of it. I never said he wasn't open to suggestion. Now, shut up and give him a hug," Madcap pushed the sword further into his back.

Wade looked down at the protruding tip, mouth so full of blood it was suffocating. He looked back up to Peter, who was coming straight at him, then at the sword again. The realization sunk it farther than the sword ever could. "N - no. NO! Madcap, stop this!" He thrashed and flailed, trying desperately to pull himself off of the weapon, "NO! St-stop!"

"Now why would I do that?" Madcap giggled, "Weren't you the one spouting about how much you loved him? C'mon, show him some love. Just a hug and I'll let you go. Both of you."

If Peter hugged him, he'd only be impaling himself on the sword. With his arms around Wade, he'd puncture his own body and bleed out. Madcap didn't need to kill Peter directly, he was leading Peter to his own suicide.

"Madcap, please. Don't do this! Not to him! Please, I'll do whatever you want."

"It's too late for that, Deadpool," Madcap snarled in his ear, twisting the sword in Wade's gut. "Your right. I'm never gonna go after Peter again. After tonight, there won't be a person to go after."

Peter was close enough to touch now. He was repeating Madcap's word softy, "Boop, boop, boop," almost in a whisper. His fingers skid along Wade's sides, wrapping around him with the utmost care. He was getting closer, and closer, till the tip of the sword poked against his belly.

"Dammit, Madcap!" Wade roared, eyes burning, "Please!"

Peter kept going. The very tip of the sword sunk in, but he continued to move.

"PETER! STOP!" Wade begged. "No! Baby boy, come on! Stop!"

"Boop. Boop. Boop."

"Say good-bye, Wade Wilson," Madcap whispered.

Wade looked at Peter, knowing that behind that cheap plastic lenses, he was never going to see those brown eyes bright and alive again. Never wake up with him asleep at his side. Never gonna make him pancakes and watch cartoons. Never gonna patrol together from dusk till dawn.

He failed Peter. Utterly. Completely. Miserably.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, hoping Peter heard him.

Then, quite suddenly, Peter stopped. Wade would've liked to think it was because he finally penetrated Madcaps crazy influence, but that wasn't quite the case. A robotic hand wrapped around Peter's torso and pulled him away from Wade, looping around him several times further to stop his flailing.

Wade laughed, a breathy, watery laugh born more out of relief that humor as he looked over the brown-trench coated and purple-body suited figure, "You son of a bitch, I love you," Wade exclaimed.

"Need a hand?" Aaron asked, with a grin. He looked down at Wade's severed arms and grimaced, "Or, an arm perhaps?"

Madcap made a furious noise and shoved Wade off the sword, making him face-plant into the cement. "What? We were so close!" He shouted, gripping the katana in both hands, "Why'd you have to come mess everything up?"

Aaron shrugged, quickly dodging a kick from Peter's good leg. "Guess I just have good timing."

"Damn right you do," Wade agreed into the sidewalk.

Madcap stalked forward, murder in his eyes, but jerked back as a shot went off through his shoulder, followed by another in the opposite shoulder, and two in his kneecaps. He stumbled to the ground, katana slipping from his fingers.

"Alright Madcap, you can just stop right there," a new voice said, as a figure walked up from behind Aaron.

Wade flipped himself over so he was on his back and craned his neck, "Domino? Dom? Is that you?"

"Here to clean up another one of your messes," she said, gun aimed at Madcap's chest, "Yeah. Don't act so surprised."

The tree nearest to Wade rustled as a monkey dressed in a suit and tie jumped down, landing on his stomach. It shoved a gun in his face, baring its teeth. Another person lumbered out too, big and hairy and very much a gorilla. He plucked Hit Monkey off Wade's chest.

"Hey, we're here to rescue him. Not blow his brains out," he rumbled.

"And hello to you too, Hit Monkey. Gorilla-Man" Wade said, "Normally the idea of blowing would excite me, but in this case, I'll pass," He looked past the primates, "How'd you guys find me?"

Aaron bobbed his head sheepishly, "I...admit, I might've slipped a tracker on you while you were at my place. You were acting so weird, I figured there was bound to be trouble where ever you were going."

"And it's a good thing he did," Domino said, "What the hell is going on here, Wade?"

Wade inclined his head toward Madcap, "Ask him. He's the one with the revenge vendetta."

They all focused on Madcap, who was seething on the ground. "You ruined everything," he screamed at them, "I almost had him. I almost won! Why the fuck would you interfere? Why the hell do you care about what happens to him?"

"Eh, not sure," Negasonic Teenage Warhead piped up, leaning against the trashcan Solo was still propped against. "But he's entertaining, so why not?"

"D'awww," Wade cooed. "That warms all my insides."

"No," Madcap said, "It won't end like this. I will not let him walk free again. KILL THEM!" He screamed, "KILL THEM ALL!"

"Who are you talking to?" Aaron started to say, just as he got a mouthful of Peter's foot. Using the advantage, Peter tore the arms off of him and landed back on the ground. He landed heavily on his casted leg and stumbled, but no sound came out. Breathing heavy, almost erratic, he grabbed Aaron by his trench coat and threw him right into Negasonic, and they fell over in a pile on Solo.

Peter looked at Domino and limped forward fist clenching.

"Domino, don't' hurt him!" Wade said, trying to sit up.

"Don't worry," Domino muttered, waving Hit Monkey and Gorilla-Man off as Peter advanced. "I won't." With every step he took forward she took one back. He couldn't get far on his bad leg, probably having reached his limits already. His breathing began to slow as he backed her up into a wall, movements getting sluggish and tired.

He was a foot away, hands reaching for her neck when he stopped. "Where..." he breathed, looking around dazedly, "What...where am I?" Not a second later, he tittered forward, making a harsh noise of pain when he put weight on his leg.

Domino caught him before he hit the ground, taking the majority of his body-weight. "Don't worry," she told him, grinning, "You're safe now." To Wade, she yelled, "Madcap's influence wore off, but I think we need to get him to a hospital."

"Oh, blessed luck," Wade cried, sagging back on the ground. "Holy shit, that was close."

"NO!" Madcap screamed, tearing at his head, "NO! NO! NO! NO!"

"Oh, shut up," Aaron grumbled, wrapping his metal arms tightly around Madcap, shoving a hand over his mouth. Madcap jerked and swung himself around, trying to break free, but it did him no good. His eyes bore into Wade's, burning with hate and loathing.

Honestly, Wade didn't think that would ever go away.

Domino handed Peter off to Gorilla Man, who carried him bridal style to keep him off his leg, and walked over to Wade. She sat him up, eyebrows quirked, "You owe me," she said.

"What's new," Wade laughed, leaning into her as she lugged him to his feet and hobbled him to a bench. "Wana grab my arms? I think there's still time to reattach them. I really don't want to regrow them again."

Domino pinched her nose, lips turned down in disgust but grabbed them nonetheless. She helped him put them back on and used her ammo belts to keep them there until they reattached themselves. Once finished, she sat on the bench with him, legs spread out, and head tilted back, looking up.

"Hey," Wade said, looking up with her, "Why'd you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Come help me? You didn't need to, but you did."

Domino glanced at him fleetingly, "Like I said before. Merc blood runs deep. You may be a pain the ass Wade, but we've known each other a while. Whether your still a mercenary or not, I'm not gonna let you get skinned alive by that weirdo," she jabbed her thumb towards Madcap. "Besides, now you owe me a favor."

"I think I owe you more than that," Wade laughed. "But thank you. You don't know how much this means to me."

"Yeah, yeah," she punched his shoulder, almost detaching it again. She looked over at Gorilla Man, who had Peter laid out on the gross, who was assisting Aaron in determining just how bad his injuries were. "Hey. Who's that?" she nodded at Peter. "And why's he dressed like a cheap Spider-Man knock-off?"

"He's uh..." Wade blew out a breath, tapping his foot, "He's a friend."

"Just a friend," she said, completely unconvinced, "Madcap, what? Kidnapped him and made him go crazy and almost kill himself hugging you just because he's your friend. I call bullshit."

"Hey, I have friends," Wade huffed, "Good friends."

"Oh, good friends," she smirked, "How good of friends are you?"

Wade opened his mouth, closed it again, and sat back on the bench. "Shaddup, Dom."

She laughed, "Don't worry, I get why you want it discrete. I won't tell anyone Deadpool found himself a boy-toy."

"He's not a boy-toy," Wade muttered, "he's my boyfriend. And I'd very much appreciate a little discretion."

"Alright, alright," she brushed him off and stood back up, "Well, we should probably get him to a hospital or something. That leg of his looks bad."

Peter would definitely not agree to that. Whether or not he was in a cheap costume, he was paranoid as fuck and wouldn't let Wade drag him a mile to the nearest hospital. No, he better just drive them by Tony's and get a personal check-up from one of his doctor-friends.

"No," Wade got to his feet too, moving his arms slightly. They were still a little stiff and numb, but he could use them at least, "I don't think a hospital is the best idea. But I've got a place we can go. Thanks again, Dom. If you ever need a sexy piece of cancer, just call me up."

Domino rolled her eyes and holstered her gun, "Yeah. Sure. And don't worry about Madcap. We'll drop him off at SHIELD," she strode away from him, shouting, "Alright Mercs, we're done here. Load up and let's head home."

"What about him?" Gorilla-Man asked, gesturing to Peter.

"Don't worry. Deadpools handling it."

Gorilla-Man looked back down at Peter, lips pinched tightly together. Obviously, the idea of leaving him in Wade's care wasn't very appealing. But he got up and followed after Domino. "Try not to kill him," he said to Wade over his shoulder.

Aaron quickly brushed off his pants and made lee-way to follow, but Wade clapped him on the shoulder and stopped his escape, "So, you put a tracker on me, eh?"

Aaron rubbed his neck, "...yeah. I know how you feel about that kinda thing, but I couldn't just - you were..." he sighed, hanging his head.

"Eloquently said," Wade mused, but brought him in for a one-sided hug, "I was just saying thank, man. Don't get your metal boxers in a bunch. Just," he separated and held Aaron at arms-length, "don't make it a habit of tracking me, kay? I'm not usually so nice about it."

"Yeah, I gotcha," Aaron sighed, "Well, I'm gonna go. And hey," he gestured to the bodies of the original Mercs for Money, who was still laying on the ground. Stingray had pulled himself from the seal exhibit and was dripping water on the bench he had collapsed on, "You might wanna make sure they're okay. Looks like they took quite the beating from your - mutate? mutant? - friend."

"Mutate," Wade said, "but, uh, just keep him a secret for me, would ya? I don't need anymore Madcap's coming at me."

"Lips are sealed," Aaron agreed. "Stay out of trouble, Wade."

"Only if trouble will stay outta me," Wade retorted, and grimaced, "Alright, that sounded worse than I thought it would. Forget I said that."

"Already did."

As Aaron followed his team, Wade hurried to Peter's side, who was staring up into the canopy of leaves. When Wade approached he jerked up, arms raising as if prepared to fight someone off, only to relax.

"Wade," he breathed, slumping back down. Wade sat next to him, pulling Peter gently up in his arms.

"Hey," he said, hugging Peter to his chest, careful of his leg. "I know it's been a long day, but we need to head on out of here, Petey. Get your leg looked at."

Peter reached up and took the Spider-Man mask off, flinging it to the side as if disgusted by it. "What the hell was that about, Wade?" He groaned, shifting better to get comfortable. "That - that manic showed up out of nowhere. You barely even left when he busted the door down. I-"

"Hey," Wade shushed him, "I know. I'm - I'm so sorry, Peter. If I had known he was back, I never would've left you like that. I promise. I -" He buried his face into Peter's hair, swallowing roughly around the block in his throat, "I'm so sorry. I brought you into this mess. You almost died because of me. I'm the worse boyfriend, I know. I can't believe I almost-"

"Whoa," Peter said, moving his head away so he could look up at Wade, "Hey, this wasn't your fault."

"Of course it is. I'm the one that hurt him. I drove him to doing this."

"Wade, that guy was literally a lunatic."

"I'm a lunatic."

"Not that like."

"Peter," Wade bit his lip and sniffed, "I don't know what I would've done if you died."

Peter's finger grazed Wade's chin, "And you didn't. I'm right here. I little banged up, I'll admit. But not dead! That's good, right?"

Wade laughed roughly, "Yeah. That's good. The best"

"Alright. We'll figure the rest of this out later. Right now, I think I really need some meds cause my leg is killing me," he grimaced, casting a deep, pinched look of pain at his leg.

"Right. Let's get that fixed up." Wade got to his feet and carefully helped Peter up too. They walked a few steps before Wade decided that he couldn't stand seeing Peter grunt in pain, and picked him up bridal style.

"Wade-"

"Just hold still, Petey. I'm not letting Spider-Man lose a leg."

Peter stared at him long and hard, before huffing. "Fair nuff'," and settled into Wade's arms. But, honestly, Wade figured it was because he was tired. On their way, they passed the rest of the mercs.

"Good job guys," Wade chirped, watching them all groan and weakly get to their feet. "Mission accomplished!"

Terror glared at him from the ground. "Would someone please get me a pair of legs so I can kick his ass?"

Slapstick groaned, leaning against his giant mallet, "I don't think your boyfriend likes me."

Peter stared at them, stuck between confusion and guilt, "Did - did I do that?"

"If you mean, did you kick their ass in all your one-legged, than yes, you did," Wade said.

"You never said he was a mutate," Solo growled, leaning heavily against the trash-can. "There you are again, withholding crucial information."

"Okay, in my defense, he has a broken leg so I honestly didn't think it would've been that hard."

Solo muttered fiercely back at him, more curses and swear words than anything.

"Sorry about that," Peter interrupted him, holding a placating hand out as if to soothe him, "My bad. I don't usually hurt people, I promise. Sorry, you had to get the brunt of it."

Solo's muttering sputtered to a stop as he looked at Peter in startled surprise. His expression was slack as though he didn't get apologies often and the mere fact that he was receiving one now was too much. He nursed his hurt arm to his stomach, looking at Peter as if he were some exotic creature he'd never seen before. "Er...uh...th - thanks..."

"We're heading out to an old friend to get patched up, you guys should tag along," Peter offered, much to Wade's open-mouthed chagrin.

"Petey-"

"Wade, they're hurt too. Besides, they helped you, didn't they? Might as well get them fixed up while we're at it."

Wade puffed and blew out his cheeks, but conceded, "Fine. Let's go then. Find a buddy and help them along. Petey, you think you can reach into my pouch and get my phone - it's actually Stingrays phone, but whatever - and call a cab."

"Sure," Peter leaned down and rummaged through the pouches around his waist, before pulling out the phone and quickly calling a taxi. "Alright," he said, as soon as the call was finished, "Who was Stingray again?"

Stingray raised his hand from where he was helping Terror along - Slapstick trailing behind them holding Terror's legs and arms - and Peter passed the phone to him. "Thanks. Hope Wade hasn't been overbearing with you guys."

"Overbearing," Stingray chuckled, "Do you know the guy? That's all he is."

"Feel free to walk home, Stingray," Wade snapped back. "We shoulda just kept the phone, Petey. I needed to upgrade mine anyway."

"Bien," Masacre said, lugging Solo against his body, "Al menos sabemos que este legendario novio es cierto."

"Quien dijo que yo era legendario?" Peter asked back.

Masacre froze, gasping, and almost dropped Solo, "Tu hablas español?"

"Sí, solía ser dueño de una empresa y muchos de mis trabajadores, el idioma nativo era el español. Ahora, ¿quién no creía que yo era real?"

This time, Masacre did drop Solo in favor of clapping his hands together and giving Peter a little bow, "Perdónanos, señor Petey. Mis colegas y yo no estábamos seguros de si su existencia era real o el producto de la imaginación de Deadpool."

"What the fuck, Masacre," Solo spat, holding his broken arm.

Peter smiled at Masacre and gave him a little bow back, "Comprensible. Tenga la seguridad de que soy real y en una relación con Wade."

"Con el debido respeto, Sr. Petey, pero ¿por qué? ¿Por qué él?"

At that, Wade gasped, and glared at Masacre, "Y pensar que solías ser mi favorito."

Masacre slowly turned to look at him, the picture of surprise. Before it melted away into a heated glare, and if not for Peter in his arms, Wade was certain Masacre would've been strangling him.

"¿PODRÍAS HABLAR ESPAÑOL TODO EL TIEMPO?" Masacre demanded.

"Oookay," Wade increased his pace, "Let's go. C'mon. We wasting time. WHO'S UP FOR SOME MEXICAN!"

"¿Qué demonios acabas de decir?"

"Whoops. Sorry, Masacre. My bad."

___________________________

2 weeks later...

"Slapstick, what'd I say about putting your mallet in the kitchen?" Peter yelled, kicking the long, almost animated-looking weapon aside.

"OH COME ON, IT'S NOT EVEN THE WAY!" Slapstick shouted back, somewhere in the living room where he was getting involved in a heated game of checkers with Stingray.

"Move it or I'm throwing it out the window!" Peter warned, pouring himself a generous cup of coffee. In the other room, Slapstick gave a great, heaving sigh and trudged into the kitchen and snatched his mallet off the floor. He stuffed it into his pants where it disappeared with nary of bulge or blemish.

"Happy?"

"Very," Peter said, sipping his coffee.

Fool Killer bumped past Slapstick as he left, ignoring him to look desperately through the rag drawer. "Where is it? Where is it?" He muttered.

Peter leaned against the counter, peering over at him, "What'd you lose this time?"

"My gun! The new one I just bought. It's a new Benelli Black Eagle. Have you seen it."

"Might want to check Wade's closet," Peter said, "He might've thrown it in with his."

"Oh, he better not have!" Fool Killer sprinted out of the kitchen.

It's been nearly 2 weeks since Madcap's attack and Peter couldn't help but feel like his life had never settled down since. He had to stay several days at Tony's while one of his doctor-pals looked him over. Turns out his little rag-tag fighting with the mercs nearly shattered his leg completely. Not to mention all the cuts, bruises, and slight internal bleeding he got from Madcap.

Wade stayed with him, of course, even though he healed up just fine.

Surprisingly enough, after the unofficial Mercs for Money got bandaged up, they never really left. When Wade and Peter finally trudged back to their demolished apartment, 6 shadows followed them home.

Needless to say, they might've bonded a little while recovering. Peter found out Fool Killer had a dream of becoming a therapist and rehabilitator for villains. Slapstick was like a living cartoon and acted as such. Masacre was a big softie. Solo was secretly a softie. Terror was loveable and funny when you got to know him. And Stingray was married and had a family.

They were a crazy bunch, but, somehow, Peter found them endearing. Besides, they were old friends of Wade who weren't all super intimidating and ready to gut him at the drop of a hat. Terror seemed a bit like that at first, but when Peter found out about his secret love of pasta and old romance movies, it was suddenly hard to think of him as anything but enjoyable. In a way, he kinda reminded him of Aunt May.

If Aunt May were a half-rotted corpses, that is.

All in all, they were nothing but a bunch of goofballs running around with guns. Which should've concerned Peter, seeing how he already had one goofball running around with a gun. But they were a sturdy group, and Peter let them know, right off, that killing was not tolerated around him. Surprisingly, they took it well.

It was fun hanging out with them. As it turned out, they hadn't believed Wade when he said he had a boyfriend, and to prove them wrong once and for all, Peter had kissed Wade right then and there.

The mercs came and went as they pleased. Sometimes showing up randomly during dinner, and other times right before he and Wade could get to the sexy part of their night. Irritating, but Wade hadn't maimed anybody yet. So it was good to know that he liked these guy enough not to dismember them for interrupting their private time.

None of them knew he was Spider-Man, though. Wade and Peter were careful to keep them oblivious. As far as they knew, Peter was nothing but a mutate who happened to fall in love with Deadpool. It was sounded like something out of a cheesy romance movie, but the mercs bought it, at least.

On the flip side, they hadn't told him their real names yet either. So, they're even.

"Now, I'm off to work," Peter said, stopping to kiss the top of Wade's head as he cleaned his guns out on the table.

"M'bye."

"And don't get any of that oil on the table-cloth."

"Yes, mom."

Peter stuck his tongue out at him and went into the living room. "We'll see you guys," he said, grabbing his jacket from the couch. "Solo, you still coming over for dinner later?"

"Yeah, I'll be there," he said, casting a thumbs up over his shoulder.

Peter shook his head, stuffed his feet into his shoes and headed out the door.

"By Peter," they all echoed at his back, and he cast a salute over his shoulder.

Before he could make it out the door though, Fool Killer came trudging back through the hall. "Hey, Peter," he said, holding something up, "What's this?"

Peter turned around and nearly spit out his coffee. Wade peered out from the kitchen, saw what was in Fool Killer's hand, and fell out of his chair.

Peter sprinted over to him and snatched the red and blue Spider-Man costume out of his hand and tucked it under his jacket. "Nothing. Nothing, it's nothing."

"Why was it in Wade's closet?"

Dammit, Peter forgot that was where he stashed his Spidey gear. "It's uh...s - sometimes Wade and I roleplay," he blurted and instantly went red.

The got the interest of the other mercs.

"Roleplay?" Slapstick parroted, leaning away from the board game with a smirk. "You roleplay as Spider-Man in bed?"

"Maybe," Peter hissed, "You all know how much he admires him."

"Wow," Terror whistled. "Impressive."

"Is it convincing?" Solo asked, and Peter slapped him upside the head.

"Oh shut up," he grumbled and tossed the costume back into the bedroom. "And not a word of this to anyone. Kapeesh?"

"Kapeesh," they begrudgingly agreed.

Peter pointed at each of them in turn, as if that would determine their truthfulness, before stalking to the door.

"Roleplay, huh?" Wade muttered as he walked by, and Peter pushed him back into the kitchen. He gave them a final wave and closed the door without another word.

As soon as he was gone, Terror laughed and tucked his hat over his head, "When are we going to tell him we already know he's Spider-Man?" he laughed.

"Eh, he's paranoid," Wade said, back to cleaning his guns. "Just let him have this."

This was a very fun story to write! Like, I'm gonna have to use the Mercs for Money in future one-shots, because they're actually really fun.

Hope you guys all enjoyed this! I plan on writing more Spideypool one-shots and AU's, so keep an eye out for those! :D

Thanks for reading! If you liked, please drop me a comment below! Love ya!