Season 2, Episode 7:  The Substitute

Special Guest Star:  Gwyneth Paltrow as Holly Holliday

Ownership of Glee:  FOX, Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, Brad Falchuk

= = =

Will is writing on the board in the choir room.

"Just one of the perks of being a high school teacher: Constant exposure to illness." Will says in a voiceover.

"All right, guys, um...Time to start thinking about song selections." Will tells the New Directions. He has a fever.

Will continues talking in a voiceover. "I mean, I feel like I might have a fever, but it's important that I power through it." He turns around and everyone looks like 10 years old. "Okay. I definitely have a fever." Will confirms in a voiceover.

Mini Santana smirks. "Lookin' good, Puckerman. Someone's been eating their wheaties."

Mini Puck raises his arms. "These guns are fully loaded."

Mini Rachel raises her hand. "Mr. Shue? I, for one think we should use our set list for sectionals to start exploring the oeuvre of one Bernadette Peters."

Mini Brittany states "Someday, I'm gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre."

Mini Violet kisses Mini Kurt's cheek. "My boyfriend is the best in the world!"

Mini Kurt giggles. "And I have the best girlfriend in the world."

Mini Mike looks at Mini Tina. "I just want to dance."

Mini Mercedes looks at their teacher. "Mr. Schuester, you look a little green."

Will wipes at his head. "Um... I think I'm gonna go see the nurse. But first I feel like I should get you guys a sitter."

= = =

Charlie is talking to Kurt, Mercedes and Violet in the lunch line. "I'm shaking. And it's either from low blood sugar or rage. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over the Glee Club."

Mercedes nods. "We'll forget all about it tonight at bowling."

Violet sighs. "I can't. Blaine asked me and Charlie to hang out." She says and Charlie nods.

Kurt smiles. "Really? Where are you guys going?" He asks.

"We're going to Breadstix. I don't know if it's an unofficial date, but I'm going as a third wheel." Violet says.

Charlie blushes. "It's not a date!" He says.

Violet giggles. "Uh huh, sure. It's totally not a date with your favorite Warbler."

Charlie tries to glare at her, but he fails. "You're my wing woman! I need my wing woman."

Mercedes frowns. "I've been looking forward to it all week. Wait. Are you two going out? Because I think you need to come clean."

Charlie shakes his head. "What? No. I don't want another Jesse... Rachel traitor scenario to overcome. Please, Mercedes. Mum's the word."

Violet smiles. "We'd be happy for you. I mean, we know how lonely you've been."

Even though Charlie doesn't admit it, he is very lonely.

Kurt smiles. "We can still go bowling Mercedes. We'll hang out with Violet and Charlie on Friday night."

Mercedes cut in the lunch line. "Excuse you." She says to a student. She wants her tots. Mercedes looks at the lunch lady. "Whoa, whoa. A couple more. Thanks."

Mercedes then looks at her friends. "So what are we going to do about Glee Club while Mr. Shue is sick?"

Kurt smiles. "I have an idea. Have you met the new Spanish teacher?"

Violet smirks.

"Miss Holliday is the best substitute teacher ever."

= = =

Finn sees Puck buttering up the floor of the choir room that afternoon. "Dude, what are you doing?"

Puck smirks. "Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor."

"But sectionals is, like, two weeks from now." Finn says.

Artie smiles. "Hey, Gigantor. We're all gonna swap names, yo."

Rachel enters in the choir room. "Um, did I hear something about a substitute?" She asks. She slips.

Puck smiles. "Yes! It works!"

Rachel gets up. "Well, at least I didn't fall and break my talent. I'm fine."

Holly slides on the floor.

Artie looks shocked. "Oh, what the hell?"

Holly smirks. "Hola, clase. Nothing says "bienvenidos" quite like a buttered floor." She says. Kurt comes in and slips on the butter. Violet helps him up and gets him into a chair.

"Let's start with some introductions. My name is Holly Holliday. What's yours? Go." Holly says.

"I'm Finn Hudson. I'm quarterback of the football team." Puck says.

Santana raises her hand. "I'm Rachel Berry, his loud, loud girlfriend."

"I'm Mike Chang." Brittany says. Mike gives a nod of approval.

Holly smiles. "Those aren't your names. You know why I know that?"

"You're psychic?" Brittany asks.

"I know this because I recently watched a video of you guys performing at regionals, where you came in last. Maybe it's because the songs were about 30 years old, but..." Holly trails off.

Finn looks offended. "Those songs are classics."

Holly smiles at him. "Those songs are amazing. But they sounded like somebody else's favorite songs. Not yours. Just sayin'."

Brittany nods. "She speaks the truth."

"I'm not your average, run-of-the-mill substitute teacher. I want you guys to do things that you want to do. I want you to have fun in our fabulous but fleeting time together. What do you say we have class outside today?" Holly asks.

Mercedes looks confused. "It's raining outside."

Holly smiles. "Well, then let's take a field trip to Taco Bell."

Brittana smiles. "Oh, yeah!"

"Should we take up some medical-grade marijuana? I wish." Holly smirks.

Finn looks to his almost brother. "It's really hard not to like this woman."

Rachel, being the stick in the mud she is, makes everyone stop cheering. "Okay, no. We can't just goof off all day. We have to write a set list for sectionals."

Holly smiles. "You're right. What songs would you like to do?" She asks. She's greeted with silence. "Oh. Don't get asked that question much, do we?"

Kurt sighs. "Ms. Holliday is right. Mr. Schuester's set list sometimes seems like he hasn't listened to the radio since the '80s."

Puck nods. "He never listens to what I have to say."

Flash back to Puck giving an idea in the choir room.

Puck looks at Will. "Mr. Shue, can we do that new Cee-Lo song, 'Forget You?'"

Will looks at Puck. "Uh, no. Come on, guys, there's got to be a journey song we haven't done yet."

Cut back to Holly and the kids talking in the choir room.

Holly smiles. "Cee-Lo! That's what I'm talking about."

Santana looks at Holly. "Snap. Okay, excuse me? What would you know about Cee-Lo? 'Cause you're like, 40."

"Top 40, sweet cheeks. Hit it!" Holly says.

Holly and New Directions sing "Forget You." The Unholy Foursome dance with their new sub and suddenly, everyone's up and dancing except for Rachel.

[Forget You by Holly and New Directions]

Holly smiles at the kids. "Let's go get some tacos!"

= = =

Santana and the Cheerios are taking the tots away the next day at lunch.

Mercedes looks mad. "Wait. Where do you think you're going with those?"

Santana shrugs. "Principal Sue banned the tots."

"She can't do that!" Mercedes claims.

Brittany looks at the tots. "They look like deep-fried deer poop."

Santana looks at Mercedes. "Take it up with principal Sue."

Kurt tries to console her. "We'll get you some-some..."

Mercedes frowns. "Ugh!"

Kurt backs up. "Okay."

= = =

Rachel and Holly singing "Nowadays / Hot Honey Rag" in the auditorium.

[Nowadays/Hot Honey Rag by Rachel and Holly]

Their performance elicits cheers from the New Directions.

= = =

A few days later, Mercedes walks up to Kurt at his locker. Violet was at her locker in the other hall. "Psst! Look what I snuck in. My heart was racing." Mercedes says as she shows Kurt the tots she snuck in.

Kurt's eyes bugged out of his head. "Are you out of your mind?! After what you did to Sue's Le Car? You're gonna end up in prison!"

Mercedes shrugs. "So? You know what they have in prison. Tots."

Kurt sighs. "You are substituting food for love, Mercedes. And more importantly, you're substituting me for a boyfriend. Look at me. A year ago, I thought I'd never ever have a shot at love. And then I took my shot. You will find somebody. But until then, you just got to take care of yourself. And treat yourself with a little respect."

Mercedes smiles. "You're right. I got to go."

Kurt furrows his eyebrows. "Where?"

"I'm gonna go talk to that Anthony kid. First time I saw him, I thought he was kind of cute. Maybe we have a shot." Mercedes says and leaves.

Karofsky approaches Kurt. "Question for you. You tell anyone else what happened? How you-you kissed me?"

Kurt rolls his eyes. "You kissed me, Karofsky, and I understand how hard this is for you to deal with, so no, I haven't told anyone."

Karofsky sneers. "Good. You keep it that way. 'Cause if you do, I'm gonna kill you." He says and walks off.

Kurt never felt more fear than that moment.

Where was Violet when you needed her?

= = =

In the choir room, New Directions is celebrating the return of Will.

Will smiles. "All right, all right, thank you very much, guys. Please, please, sit down. Just... Thank you... For that and... and for all the kind words you said about me to Sue. The feelings are mutual. Now, we got to get crackin', though. We lost a few days there, and it's all gonna be about focus and hard work for the next couple of days."

Puck sighs. "I guess Ms. Holliday really is gone."

"I know you guys liked her, and she was a lot of fun, but she and I both agreed that this is what was best." Will says.

"Don't get us wrong, Mr. Shue, we always wanted you as our teacher. She was just kind of a nice break." Tina pipes up.

Quinn nods. "She did loosen us up."

"And she actually had some good ideas for a sub." Artie agrees.

Will's getting irritated. "Yeah. I get it. And maybe we can, uh, incorporate those... after sectionals. Now, when I'm sick, there is only one thing that makes me feel better."

Artie smirks. "Gin and juice."

Will shakes his head. "No. Singing in the rain. I must've watched it, like, ten times over the past three days. It's actually what inspired me to try this out as a contender for our first song at sectionals."

Sam looks confused. "When is the song from?"

Will smiles. "Well, the movie opened in 1952. But-but... but it's... But it's really timeless."

And just like that, the New Directions are back under the tight control of Will Schuester.

= = =

Now in the auditorium where New Directions, Will and Holly sing "Singing In The Rain / Umbrella."

[Singing In The Rain/Umbrella by Will, Holly and New Directions]

= = =

1806 words

Songs Mentioned/Performed
1. Forget You - Holly and New Directions
2. Nowadays/Hot Honey Rag - Rachel and Holly
3. Singing In The Rain/Umbrella - Will, Holly and New Directions

Sorry for the lack of Blaine in this chapter! I know I took out a lot of stuff, but it was worth it.

Next update:  Furt

2 episodes to Special Education
4 episodes to The Sue Sylvester Shuffle
5 episodes to Silly Love Songs
6 episodes to Comeback
7 episodes to Blame It On the Alcohol