SPECIAL CHAPTER 1: CONFESSION

Growing up I realized that I really had a bad temper and brutly savage mouth. Nang dahil din sa ugali ko, wala akong naging childhood friends. Even my cousins hate me because of my blunt behavior. Madalas din kaming mag-away ng kapatid ko at ako ang palaging nag-uumpisa.

Hindi naman sa gusto ko ang gulo kaya madalas akong gumagawa nito, it just happen all the time nang dahil sa lintik na bungangang ito na walang ginawa kun'di ang magsabi ng totoo. And people thinks that I'm insulting them. 

I'm just being honest, duh. It's not my fault that they're too dumb to understand. 

Nagtataka nga din ang mga magulang ko kung saan ko namana itong ugali ko. Both of my parents are nice. Sa sobrang bait nila, hindi nila nare-realize na pinag-sasamantalahan na ng iba ang kabaitan nila. 

Nang dahil sa ugali ko, madalas din akong napapagalitan nila Mama at Papa. Madalas ko ring naririnig sa ibang tao na kahit kailan ay hindi ako makakahanap ng totoong kaibigan dahil walang magtatagal sa ugali ko. 

To be honest, I don't give a fuck. Wala akong pakialam kung wala akong maging kaibigan basta kasama ko ang mga magulang ko, ayos na sakin 'yon. 

Not until, I entered Senior High School. I met a lot of amazing people. They made me realize a lot of things. I realized that I was still lucky enough to have such a good friendship despite of my mean behavior. 

Ark Revin Sonian and Arvynce Laurent made me realize na hindi lahat ay kailangang maging perpekto o palaging maging una sa lahat ng bagay. Why choose to be number one...kung mayroon namang ibang numbers. 

Since I was a kid, I was carrying a lot of pressure from my family, especially to my aunts. Hindi man halata pero alam kong malaki dim ang expectations sa akin ng mga magulang ko kaya hanggang sa pagtanda ko, palagi kong dala sa isipan ko na kailangan kong maging una sa lahat. 

I tried my very best but ends up being a loser. I was desperate to build up my family's expectation to the point that I'm ruining myself. 

Being number one isn't for me. I'm not a perfect human being. But Ark and Arvy told me that I am the best. They made me realized that I am good enough. Just be me because being yourself will make you happy that achieving those expectations. 

Be who you are, not the world wants you to be. 

Leinard Gomez, Cole Sebastian Wei, and Ashton Aaron Quinto are right. It's impossible to please everyone. They made me realize that no matter how much kindness I show to other people, I am still the short-tempered, brutally honest Harietth na walang ibang ginawa kun'di ang maging masama sa paningin ng iba. 

They made me realized that at the end of the day, all that matters is what I think about myself. I should do things that will make me proud. 

I would always tell Dannie Yrro Rafiela and Hermmy Margo Rosales, the softest duo that I've ever met, to be strong and show others how fierce and bold they are. But then, I realized, I was the weakest one. I tend to give advices pero hindi ko man lang magawang i-apply sa sarili ko. 

I spend my time telling everyone how to be strong, not knowing I was the one who needed that advice. I'm not strong. It's hard to pretend. I always tell everyone to be strong, without them knowing I am struggling too. I don't want them to know because I don't want to be a burden.

Angie Quinn Torres and Theanna Alvarez made me realized that I was too selfless. I never ask too much but gives almost everything. Ako 'yung madalas magpalaya o magbigay daan kahit na labag sa kalooban ko. Nang dahil sa kanila, natuto akong magtira ng pagmamahal para sa sarili ko. Mali ang ibigay mo ang lahat at walang itira para sa sarili mo. 

Ricaella Soyan, Hensley Quinto, and Yzza Ramos told me that it's okay to feel tired. A heart that always understand also gets tired. It's okay to burst out of nowhere. It would help you ease the burden. Let those pain out.

And lastly, Charlotte Hyacinth Alberto and Beatrix Veiy Domingo once told me; life is heavy. Especially if you try to carry it all at once. Part of growing up and moving into new chapters of our life is about to catch and release.

We need to know what things to catch and keep, and what things to release when it's too much. You can't carry all things. 

Naging close ako sa kanila to the point na nakalimutan ko nang mag-open up sa pamilya ko. Palaging ang mga kaibigan ko ang naging takbuhan ko tuwing may problema ako. 

But then, when I met him, everything changed. Because of him, I felt butterflies inside my stomach. He's the reason why I felt this unexplainable feeling.

Because of love, maski sa kaibigan ko, nakalimutan ko na ding magsabi ng mga hinanakit ko. I would always stay silent kahit sobrang sakit. Simula nang minahal ko si Xenus, pinili kong tumahimik at hindi ipagsabi sa iba ang nararamdaman ko. 

Charlotte and Beatrix knew that I love Xenus but they didn't know that I was hurting and silently crying at night. Tanging ang unan at kumot ko ang naging saksi sa pagbuhos ng sakit at luha ko tuwing gabi. They we're both a good companion. 

Xenus Clester Villaluz. 

Isang lalaki na nagkaroon nf malaking parte sa buhay ko. A man who helped me shaped me to what I am today. A man that I will forever cherish.

I grinned as I sat back and watched him to be happy. 

"Honey, do you want some coffee?" Tanong ni Xenus.

I smiled as I watch him do some household chores, while here I am, sitting and grinning from ear to ear.

I never imagined that this bastard would do the household chores. I can't help but to laugh. 

"Honey naman, why are you laughing at me? Napapagod na nga ako dito, oh." Nakangusong tanong niya. 

Mas lalo akong napatawa dahil mukha siyang batang inuutusan ng magulang sa itsura niya ngayon. 

Marriage life is the best. 

"Hermmy, 'yung asawa mo nagrereklamo, oh." Kunwaring sumbong ko. 

"Hayaan mo siya, ngayon lang naman 'yan naglinis ng bahay. Sulitin niya na hanggat wala pa 'yung mga bubwit na makukulit." Natatawang saad ni Hermmy. 

Bumaling siya kay Xenus. "Honey, hindi mo pa nawawalisan 'yung sulok na 'yun, oh." Itinuro niya ang tinutukoy niya. 

Nakanguso namang sumunod si Xenus. 

It's been what? 20 years? 

Wow, time really flies. It's been two decade and all went well. Now that, I'm turning 39 next week, malapit na ring umuwi ang asawa ko. 

Nakakatuwa lang dahil grabeng plot twist ang nangyari sa buhay ko. I thought that after the confession I had while Xenus and I we're stuck at the Ferris wheel, I thought about happy ending. 

Well, we are happy. But we didn't end up together. 

Totoo nga ang sabi nila, not everything that happens in book will happen in real life. 

Xenus didn't choose me. But I am still his bestfriend. Aba, hindi ako papayag na hindi. 

*Flashback*

"Xenus...I-I like you."

Halos malagot na ang hininga ko nang mabanggit ko ang mga salitang 'yon. Namayani ang katahimikan sa amimg dalawa matapos kong sabihin ang mga katagang binitawan ko.

"I-I'm sorry, Yhetty." He whispered.

Tila yumanig ang mundo ko nang marinig ko 'yun.

"Ah..." I couldn't find the right word to say.

It hurts. It felt like my heart's ready to burst out. My heart's aching. Para akong sinasaksak ng punyal ng milyong beses.

"I'm sorry but I like someone else, Yhetty. I-I like you as a friend. I-I'm sorry." Dagdag niya.

Napaiyak na ako.

No! I shouldn't cry! It's fine. I'm fine!

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko. "O-Okay. It's f-fine. Ano ka ba." Sinubukan ko pang tumawa para pagaanin ang tensyon pero nagtunog mapakla lang ito.

"I'm sorry...A-Ayaw kitang saktan. Y-You are important to me."

I can clearly see that he's crying too. My bestfriend is crying because of me. He's crying because he can't love me back. His heart's already belong to someone else.

I sighed. "H-Hey..." pumiyok ako. "It's fine. T-Tanggap ko."

Umiling siya. "Y-You're hurting because of me..."

I held his face. "M-Mas lalo akong masasaktan kapag nakikita kitang umiiyak." I said between my tears.

I bit my lower lip to suppress my cries. "T-Tahan na. I'm fine. I will be." I assured him.

"I'm sorry, Yhetty. But I can't do anything." Nagulat ako ng lumuhod siya at ibinaon ang kanyang mukha sa pagitan ng tuhod ko saka humagulgol.

"H-Hoy, tumayo ka d'yan." I said but he didn't. "X-Xenus, a-ano ba. 'Wag mo naman akong p-pahirapan oh." I said almost begging.

Please...paandarin niyo na itong sinasakyan namin. I can't take it anymore.

Paulit-ulit siyang humihingi ng tawad habang umiiyak. Tanging paghagulgol lamang ang nagawa ko.

"X-Xenus...c-can I ask f-for a favor?" Nanginginig ang boses na tanong ko.

He raised his head and looked at me directly at my eyes. Namamaga na pareho ang mga mata namin dahil sa pag-iyak.

"W-Who's the lucky girl?" I still manage to give him a smile. I held his hand.

Ilang saglit bago siya sumagot. "Si H-Hermmy..." aniya saka nag-iwas ng tingin.

Nabitawan ko ang kamay niya dahil sa gulat. 

So...it was her.

"Oh," I gasped. "D-Does s-she knows?" I asked. Umiling siya.

Humugot ako ng isang malalim na hininga.

"I-I'll help you."

"W-What? N-No!" Pagtutol niya.

"No, Xenus. I want to help you. Mag-bff tayo 'di ba?" I offered him a warm smile.

"B-But you'll be hurt again." Mahinang saad niya.

"As long as you're happy, I'll be happy too. And I know that Hermmy is you're happiness. Please, grant me this one. Let me be the witness of your love story." I almost plead.

Wala na siyang nagawa kundi ang tumango. I hugged him.

"T-Thank you, Xenus." I sincerely uttered.

"I'm sorry, Yhetty." He replied.

Pabiro ko siyang binatukan habang nakayakappa rin. "Tangina mo, tama na sorry. Mag-mo-move on naman ako sayo." Pagbibiro ko.

Tumango siya at mas lalong humigpit ang pagyakap niya sa akin.

"Yhetty, promise me. Promise me that after we stepped out of this ferris wheel, you're still my bestfriend. You'll always be my bestfriend." 

"O-Oo naman," tugon ko.

Nang makababa kami, nagtataka ang iba bakit namumugto ang mga mata namin. But we just lied. Gumawa na lamang kami ng palusot. 

Right after we stepped out of the cart, I slowly build a barrier between us and planned to move on. But I still failed.

*End of Flashback*

Maybe this is my fate. And I'm happy. 

I'm stucked being in love with Xenus.