I won't be here to watch you disappear

The door handle was cold, and rain water puddled at my feet. I wanted to go in, hold her hand. Make everything better.

But I couldn't. I could not make what I have done better.

I chastised my father, hated him for how he treated my mother. I told myself that I'd never be like him, never.

But I am. I am just like him. At the end of the day, I am my fathers son.

I had played games with Serina when I first met her, I found it interesting how drawn to me she was, how badly she failed at denying me her angered responses.

I started a game between us, and told myself that my curiosity was a disease she'd plagued upon me.

I'd hurt her, sometimes I'd start a fight with her just because I liked how she looked when she got mad.

Sometimes I had to hold every ounce of my anger back, to prevent me from doing something I'd regret, because I knew I'd regret it—but I think she liked that, because she knew that I knew she wasn't scared.

I Liked how hot she looked when she showed her inner crazy.

She had the wild in her eyes that scared even me. No one scared me, no one but her.

I liked the chase, I liked how small she was. How light and fluffy she looked on the outside, I thought she was easy.

That day in the bathroom, oh so long ago, when I first kissed her lips I had every intention on screwing her and walking out.

I'd end that curiosity, get her it of my systems because surely it was just my body that craved her.

I had grabbed her hips, and my mind went dark with the thoughts of us.

Her lips tasted like cherries, before her I never cared for cherries—but now I like them because they remind me of her. Everything reminds me of her.

In that bathroom, She'd taken over my sense whether she knew or not. Her hands plagued my hair and I was obsessed with her.

For this my demons wanted to ruin her—but I couldn't, not when she looked at me like she did.

She looked at me like I was just a man, and she was just a woman. She looked innocent, even though only god knows all that she has done.

I had wanted her to look away, I had wanted to walk away—But then I found myself showing my sins to her, like I wanted her appraisal.

Showing her my scars, lashes from whips on my back—her hand running along the crevices, where no other hand had touched me before.

I'd never had people touch my back, or let them pleasure me without my say. I was always in control, but with Serina I never was.

I wanted that curiosity gone, yet it only magnified as the weeks past.

My entire body craved her body and her mind, to the point where my stomach tightened when her hand would brush mine.

I'd lost control one day finally after she slept with that bartenders. I'd gone and lost myself between her legs and felt for myself just how perfect she was.

And that one day, that day when I had finally had sex with her—every voice in my head, every pain in my chest, every shadow of darkness in the back of my head stopped and silenced.

I'd felt her peace wash over me, I told her I'd ruin her but she'd ruined me.

I'd slept with so many woman, meaningless. But as soon as I had myself deep, her eyes lit with mine and all the anger and pain went away.

I thought the feelings I had for her would leave, it make it easier if they did. But they didn't, and I felt angry and furious when she got up and went back to the bathroom like nothing had happened between us moments before.

I wanted her, all of her. But I knew that she couldn't want me. Because as much as she could ruin me, I would destroy her twice as much.

I had her, mind and body and she had me in every way, even If she didn't know it.

I told her I didn't love her because if her father found out, if she mentioned our...he'd hurt her, more then he did. He'd hurt her because he hated me.

So I lied, drunkenness making the words slip out easier I told her she wasn't what I wanted and I walked away.

Though my sick attempt at saving her, has only brought her more pain.

My hand applied pressure to the metal, the door opened fast—a few people turning their heads.

They stepped away from her when I closed the door harshly, they bowed their head and stepped back.

It was quite, cold.

how long had I been standing outside the door?

She was now laying there, on the bed, motionless. Connected to a million different Machines, her stomach wrapped in a thin white bandage, and heating blankets covering her in an attempt to color her lips and dry her damp skin.

"Why is she not awake." I said, my voice echoing the room. No one answered, but lowered their heads further like they had no answer to give.

I scrunched my face in anger, but I knew now wasn't the time for me to lash out—no, she needed me.

I focused back on my sparrow, my legs taking me to her side I grab her hand. Cold, and bruised.

She flipped the car. She flipped the car because she was braver than me. Stronger than me.

"Everyone get out." I said, in a low and husky voice that vibrated from my chest. Anger turning to pain, a pain that burned my lungs.

everyone scampered out at my request, and a dark silence filtered the room.

When she was gone it was like a switch she had turned on had been turn off and broken and everything she'd made me do, feel, and think had gone blank—but now she's here, she's lying here—I felt a dark pain spill over me.

Her face was covered in her blood, handprints and smudges of it like finger painting on her body.

Cold, the tips of a few fingers were a chilled bloodless white.

I shrank to my knees, almost like I was supposed to pray. My eyes glazing her still face—peace looked too good on her.

"Don't leave." I said with a sad smile, like my words would even reach her inside her own mind. "Please." I whispered as I pulled her hand into my chest and called out her name like it was the last word I'd ever say.

Serina.

Sparrow.

Serina.

Anger. Like a wave. All my life I have been angry. But this was more, I felt the blood in my viens burn like acid. My knuckles clenched so hard they turned white. I looked into The small mirror across the room, and my eyes were black.

Every second I watched her laying there I felt the stands of control in me rip like torn thread.

My love, my light, my sparrow was laying in a bed because of me. Her fingers had turned white, her lips had been blue, her blood had spilled.

Every never In my body turned into fire.

And an unspeakable emptiness casted me like a damn shadow.

I pressed her hand to my lips, kissing her cold hand sent shocks done my otherwise numbed body.
freezing rain water cooled me, but I was too lost to notice.

Her hand placed back by her side, I backed away from her. I moved away from her before I did any more damage.

I took steps away, my eyes watching her still face.
She would be better off if I wasn't in her life.

None of her pain would have happened.

So my hand grabbed the door handle, and I stumbled out.

My breath hard and rapid.

Marco already leaning against the wall. "You know how she'll react if you aren't there when she wakes up." He said as he lit a smoke. He knew what I was thinking, of course he knew.

"If she wakes up." I said, my eyes burning as I looked at her.

"You want to stop her Pain Lorenzo?" He scoffed "leaving her is about the most pain you could put her through."

"Look at her Marco." I yelled at him,and he couldn't help but bow his head slightly. "I can't fucking help her, I can't protect her."

He looked around the door and smiled, a sad smile. His eyes on her, his eyes saddened.

Until he said "if you really think breaking her heart more will fix things Lorenzo—" his words bitter as he took steps towards the door. "Then go right ahead. I'll tell her you said goodbye."

"Marco." I growled. Anger like knives.

"I mean I'm sure she'll find someone eventually, they will fall In Love and all that shit. They'll fuck a few times, get married." He said as he scratched his chin. "She'll get a job, and laugh off this whole experience at a few counselling sessions."

I felt my eye twitch at the words he said. The though of her with another man—

"Her husband will probably be in business, and every day she'll forget the pain you so humbly saved her from just a little more."

"Shut up or I'll kill you." I said, as I ran my hand though my hair.

"Her husband will ask about her past and her scars and she'll tell him, not everything of course she's smarter then that. But just enough to make you the villain In their perfect love story."

My body lit like flames, my fists clenching and my teeth grinding.

"One day, she'll be pregnant with a little boy. She'll name him after her brother, because she'll convince herself that he was the only good and normal thing that happened to her." He yelled with spit as he shook his head "Lucas was an asshole to her, but she'll claim the name was Therapy for her soul or some crap."

"Enough!" I scream as I grabbed him and threw him, his feet just catching him as he stumbled backwards. His breath was heavy as she smiled.

"Exactly my point Lorenzo's ." He said. "If you leave her I will find her somewhere nice to live , swear her to secrecy, set her up with a hobby—if you leave her, you leave her forever."

He was trying to convince me to stay by telling me all the things she'd have without me.

But If I leave, she'll have everything. She'll be better. She'll be safe.

"You'll watch her?" I said, and he frowned like I made the wrong choice.

"Yes, I'll keep her guarded. Not close enough that she'll notice." He said, as he let emotion out of his voice. His hands folding behind his back.

I felt pain rip open my chest but I shook away everything and let darkness fill the voids again.

My demons clouding my soul.

"Tell her it had to be done." I said as I looked at her one more time before I made the choice that we didn't want to make, but had to.

Kinda hate myself for this.

Xoxo- AbigalKnightly