Joey
I laughed, actually laughed, along with my friends as we annoyed the rest of the customers at Nick's Pizza. After our win, I certainly didn't feel like going home and seeing Elliott. I can't believe Dad had called him and asked him to come home. He told me Pippa was really struggling and that she missed Elliott a lot. Seeing him would lift her spirits. But didn't it matter that it would break mine?
He was home, but that didn't mean I had to be there. Maybe I was finally starting to get over him and I didn't need the physical reminder of his face in our kitchen. I'd dreaded that moment. Seeing him again. We'd locked eyes for a second and, I don't know, there was this mixture of emotion in his eyes. Love, regret, guilt, awkwardness...
I'd steeled myself before I'd left my room, knowing he'd be there, but it was still a difficult moment. Not many girls have to worry about getting their hearts broken and then being subjected to seeing that person in their own home. I was a little envious of them. At least they could go turtle away in their own houses and just wallow in their own self pity without hearing the voice of the very person who'd broken their hearts.
I'd made a quick exit, not at all wanting to have a conversation with him or even say hi. Once I was out the door I forced myself to busy my mind with other things. On the subway I listened to a podcast and played Angry Birds. Still, he crept into my mind. Why couldn't I banish him?
Dad came to the game with Alex. I always told him he didn't need to come. I'm sure it was boring watching game after game for as many years as he'd been coming. He'd rarely missed a game since I started at age five. It was actually a bit comforting that he insisted on being there, even when I told him not to bother. I knew my dad loved me to the ends of the earth and at times like this it was nice for the reminder. Even though I didn't like to admit it.
After the game, some of the girls said they were going out for pizza which would continue with just hanging out wherever. I heard talk of more gummy bears. Last night had felt great. I'd eaten one gummy bear and it had taken off the edge. It relaxed me. I knew I was underage still and it wasn't exactly legal in New York yet, but was other places. It couldn't be that bad if it was getting legalized.
I wasn't stupid. It's not like I was going to eat five gummy bears at once and go off the deep end. I'd heard stories of people taking too much and having to go to the hospital to get treated. I would never do something that idiotic. As far as I was concerned, if I could do it in moderation and was careful there wasn't much wrong with it. I'd never been a goody two-shoes by any means. Besides, I wouldn't be surprised if my dad had done weed at some point. It's not like he could talk to me about it being dangerous when he'd done it himself.
As the last piece of pizza was devoured, Leah pulled out another little bag discreetly. Everyone took two and so did I this time. With my reaction last night I was pretty sure my body would be able to handle it.
The manager made us leave so we headed out and found a Starbucks nearby, where we all ordered iced drinks. We headed into Central Park and found a big open space where we could just sip our drinks and hang out. After about half an hour I felt the gummy bears kicking in again. I relaxed, letting my head rest in Abby's lap.
The evening was spent walking around, meeting up with boys and listening to music. We laughed and talked and it was just what I needed.
"You seem like more yourself," Leah commented towards the end of the night. "Like, happier."
"Yeah?" I asked. "I think the gummy bears helped. My parents think I'm depressed so they put me on some kind of meds that made me all nauseous. It was awful. The weed actually helps."
"The hippies got something right," she commented as we relaxed on a park bench.
I chuckled, "I guess."
"Do you want some more?" she asked. "For later?"
Dad had given me forty bucks and I had some allowance money saved as well. He may be loaded, but he never spoiled me. I decided it would be nice to have some for myself, to take when I was feeling down. I gave her fifty bucks and she passed me a little bag of my own. I tucked it away at the bottom of my purse.
My curfew was 11:00 on the weekends so around 10:30 I hopped onto the 1 train to head back uptown. As I took the elevator up to my floor I still felt a bit of a buzz but it was definitely wearing off.
Elliott had just been staying for the day, thank goodness, so I was pretty sure I'd be safe walking in the door. I pushed the key into the lock and turned it, expecting to maybe find my dad or Pippa, but there he was. Elliott was on the couch, watching some movie with Pippa.
"Hey, Joey," Pippa greeted me as I robotically closed the door and locked it. My heart started pounding in my ears. He wasn't supposed to be here. "How was your night?"
"Uhh...fine," I said, toeing off my shoes and nudging them towards the wall. I kept my eyes down but could feel Elliott look over at me. "I'm going to bed. Night."
She wished me goodnight and I high-tailed it to my bedroom. After taking off my purse, I raked my fingers through my hair. My fingernails dug at my scalp in frustration. I'd had a great night and having to see him again just sort of stunned me. I sighed and began undressing to get into my pajamas. After I'd changed I darted to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I brushed so hard I made my gums bleed a little.
After rinsing my mouth I let out a breath and opened the door to go back to my room. As I stepped out, his voice stopped me. "Joey," he called softly from the end of the hallway. I froze for a moment, then turned my head. He stood there in the dark, hands tucked into his pockets, looking guilty.
"What?" I asked, my heart pounding again.
"Can we...can we talk?" he asked hesitantly. I felt a small wave of power in that moment. He was afraid. Guilty. Good. He'd broken my heart and sent my life into a tailspin.
"About what?" I made him work for it, crossing my arms.
He dropped his head for a moment then looked up at me. I sighed and gave in. This is what I'd wanted for weeks. To talk to him. But he wouldn't answer. He wasn't ready, but now he was. I nodded and we walked towards our tiny porch. I could see Pippa watching us as she picked up her empty wine glass and took it to the sink. She turned off most of the lights and left us so we could have privacy.
The night air was cool as we leaned on the rail, both facing outwards with a view of the George Washington Bridge. The lights of the city twinkled, drowning out many of the stars, but sometimes they seemed one in the same.
"Listen," he began, "I know you probably hate me right now and you have every right to. But it was never my intention to hurt you. You know that, don't you?"
"Yeah, but you did," I told him bluntly. "All of a sudden I'm not good enough for you. Sorry I'm still stuck in high school while you're off flirting with everyone under the sun."
I don't know why I felt so abrasive, but I was never one to keep my mouth shut about my feelings. He was obviously feeling bad about things but that didn't mean I was going to sugarcoat what I felt. The last few weeks had been hell.
"That's the thing," he said, looking at me. "We're in totally different places now. Sorry we weren't in the same grade and didn't go to college at the same time, but that's just how it is. Maybe when you get to college you'll understand that it's just this totally fresh start. I want to have the full college experience."
"Without me," I pointed out.
He sighed heavily and shook his head. "This is why I didn't want to come home."
He began to pace a bit and I narrowed my eyes at him. "Why? So you don't have to face reality? Man up to breaking my heart? You're such a fucking coward."
That seemed to piss him off. "A coward?" he repeated. "How am I a coward? I came back didn't I? This is my home too."
"Took you long enough," I quipped. "Not answering texts and calls? That's shitty Elliott."
"Maybe it is," he admitted. "But I needed space. And admit it – you did too."
We were silent for several long moments as we watched the traffic and the people inching by. I could hear the faint sounds of Latin music playing a few streets away. Typical Saturday night in Washington Heights.
I didn't know what else to say so I turned to open the sliding glass door.
"Joey," he called me. I closed my eyes for a moment then turned my head. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" I challenged.
"That it had to end," he said. It was dark out but I thought I could see tears swimming in his eyes. "I...I still love you and I think I always will, but...we weren't gonna end up together."
I narrowed my eyes at him. Maybe it was naïve of me, but I had always hoped we would. High school sweethearts who actually beat the odds. And the pathetic thing was that I was still holding onto hope that it could still happen.
I looked at him for a few more moments and pursed my lips. Without responding, I opened the door and closed it behind me. We both stood there for several long moments, the glass between us. He held my gaze, not shying away, until I finally turned and walked away.
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