this one is just fully a vent 

i feel like a fucking idiot ngl. like. i knew it wouldn't end well and i let it get away from me and god. i feel awful. i don't rly know if ive ever been like,, fully rejected before? i feel like i must have but i can't remember. im not usually in the habit of confessing things to people.

i feel really bad because i kinda really want some space from him but like it's not *his* fault i have a fucking crush and i don't want to just ditch him because i was stupid enough to catch fucking feelings. i really really don't like that this has affected me this much and im fucking pissed at myself that i might have lost an actually good friend because of this.

honestly today was just a really shitty day.

i forgot about my grandmothers anniversary and i didn't remember until today, two days late. that just kinda made me feel like shit because i forgot and because it's fucking sad and i miss her.

then jenna marbles is apparently leaving youtube and like i want her to be happy and everything but i really fucking loved her content and it made me feel so at peace and shit and im gonna miss her. i feel like a dumbass bc like,, she's just some random youtuber but she didn't deserve to be canceled over shit she did literally 10 years ago.

so yeah. i feel like fucking shit. and i feel bad for feeling like shit. none of those (except maybe my grandmother) are rly worth getting this upset over (and like im not rly focusing on her rn so).

sometimes i forget that i am actually a human and i do have emotions and feelings and like it fucking sucks.

i wish he hadn't been so fucking nice about it. this would not be this hard if he hadnt been so fucking nice. but that's why i liked him!!

im so fucking screwed ive never got over a crush before. they fade, but as soon as im around them it's just full power. ive had two and they've both lasted years. i never really had a chance with them at all tho so i didn't get so,,, invested. one of them was pretty bad but i don't see her a lot (esp now lol) so it's not too bad. the other i never really knew so i can kinda ignore it. i actually fucking dared think i had a chance with this one but like that was dumb.

so yeah i feel fucking awful and i feel awful for feeling awful bc it's dumb and that's really not helping so. i can't fucking believe the first person im fucking crying over is a fucking boy like. this is so fucking dumb. i don't want to fucking think about it anymore and i can't fucking stop and this. is. so. stupid.

i knew him for like,, 6 days. how the fuck did this happen. why do i get attached so easily. this is easily the dumbest fucking thing ive ever done i n e v e r wanted to be one of those people who like,,, got way to upset about crushes.

anyway yeah i refuse to continue writing this because it's just getting more and more pathetic so bye love u might show up on discord later might just,, go to sleep idk.