i don't know if anyone will read this. i don't know if the people this is intended for still use wattpad, and if they do i don't know if they would ever bother to check my account.

if they do, if one of them does happen upon this, i was you to know that im sorry.

a month or two ago (i think time is hard) i completely deleted all of my discord accounts, which was the platform i used pretty much exclusively to talk to my friends. i started fading out of my friend groups and conversations even earlier than that. i had an active tumblr for a bit, but a couple weeks ago i deleted that as well.

this is just going to be a bit of an explanation for anyone who happens to find this. i know i fucked up and ive done this before and i am not looking for forgiveness. i probably could have found you again but i don't trust myself not to do this again, and im tired of hurting people. i cant be a good friend right now. this isnt an excuse either - it's an explanation because you deserve one. 

basically im not doing great. that's nothing new. im not gonna get super into it (this is public) but basically i react to everything by shutting everyone out and pretty much just disappearing. it's a coping mechanism. a very unhealthy one, but that's what it is. when quarantine started, i got very very isolated. i didn't have a lot of friends at school before, but it was still a place i could go to escape my house and maybe see people. i tried to talk to some friends after it started, and they all blew me off. on my birthday. so i reacted to that by further isolating myself until i had no friends. i don't think that's when i deleted my accounts, but that's around when i started pulling away from everyone and it all just went from there.

ive done this before though. if you've been friends with me for basically any amount of time, you've probably had an experience where i've switched accounts because i deleted one or i blocked you for ages or disappeared for a couple weeks or did something like that. it's not new. which is why im not like,,, running back to everyone - i don't trust myself not to keep doing it. this is the furthest it's ever gone, but it was going to get this far someday.

my tumblr was a slightly different story, and reflects something that happened very often with my discord accounts but wasn't very viable because discord accounts aren't really deleted for two weeks. i was questioning my gender for ages, and i started identifying as nonbinary/agender about three months ago, around march 13th. i sort of explored that identity and i felt really set in it - like i came up with a full name, i was planning to come out to my parents, the whole thing when suddenly i was like. im a girl. what the fuck am i doing. it's kinda hard to explain? i wasn't faking it before - i did honestly believe i was agender and there is still a part of me that thinks i am. im very confused. but that sudden shift in identity caused me to delete everything i felt was associated with that old identity. i was convinced i had been faking and i was a horrible person. i deleted a lot of stuff, not just my tumblr. music playlists, aesthetic boards i made, pinterest boards, everything. right now im identifying as female but im very very confused and my identity is super shakey. ive been questioning my sexuality as well - all in all its been a confusing couple of weeks. those shifts in identity aren't unusual for me. i don't really know what causes them or which version of my identity is real. i become absolutely convinced that whatever i thought my identity was is fake. im pretty set in the fact that i like girls, whatever the fuck my sexuality is, but the other day i was completely convinced i was straight and i was confused and faking. honestly like who fucking knows maybe i am.

anyway. this is very long and i doubt anyone will even read this. i just want you to know that i love you and im sorry. please please don't worry about me. as confused and withdrawn as ive been, ive been a lot worse. i love you. im sorry i couldnt be a better friend and a better person. 

and for the record, i really fucking miss all of you and everything i deleted and this shit is way up there in my worst coping mechanisms.