do you ever feel like your life is just really off balance?

one day it's so even and nice and everything is okay. the skies are blue and you're just smiling all the time.

and then the next the scale tips. and you're suddenly sliding down down down. everything is not okay. the skies are grey and you're crying alone into your pillow so your mom doesn't hear you.

I used to be so happy. last month I was so positive and everything was so great. yeah, I got frustrated sometimes and just wanted to be alone for a while.

but wanting to be alone is far different from being lonely. and I shouldn't feel lonely because I have my people.

I have my best friend who will fight for me in any situation.

I have so many internet people who just make me happy by sending positive notes daily and messaging me and telling me to have a great day

and god, I adore them.

yet here I am, writing about how lonely I am because all of them are so far away.

I feel broken sometimes and I feel lost. it just tears through my gut and eats away at whatever it can find, leaving me helpless. I just want to lose it forever, but I have such great opportunities ahead of me and I want to live. I want to live.

because I know I am more than just my thoughts and I know things will get better someday.

but right now

right now one of my "friends" told me we could no longer be friends because of her relationship

right now another friend is too hopelessly in love with someone to even realize I'm talking to her when he's around

and it makes me feel broken because it seems that I matter to no one in my town.

no one at all.

but suddenly I'm in a different world and I do matter. I matter with people who are not those people. not those people who promise to go get coffee one night but never do. not those people who don't talk to me whenever he's around. not those people.

I want my life to be balanced again.

I want it so badly.