A/N
I went back and edited my mistakes and filled in the plot holes and made notes along the way because everybody wants a wholesome story. Some things have been changed so you might want to read back but you don't have to.

----

"And then the door dramatically creaks open." Cody's head pops from behind the door, framed by the fluorescent light like a halo.

"Here comes my angel~"

"Damn, it's dusty in here. What are you two doing?"

"Spores," I reply.

"What have I told you about psychedelic drugs? The mushroom must be blue. Any other colour and it just won't do!"

"I'm sorry! I couldn't find any good shit!" I weep loudly.

"You two are crazy fucks."

"We're both virgins, not fucks. Besides, Jackie is the one that's going to be raped one of these days."

"He understands me."

"Please help me get this guy somewhere no one will come by."

"Wait. Is this the rape scene? If so, I'm not helping."

"I'm not going to rape him! Just help me!"

"You are on the 'butt must avoid gaze of' list."

"What kind of list is that!" Mikhail shouts.

"Jackie sends me an updated list every day." Cody pulls out a crumbled piece of paper. "There are three names so far. It's you, Kage and DAVE in all caps," Cody makes sure to shout the name in caps.

"I feel like I'm in a crazy house ever since yesterday."

"That's me except for an extra day," I empathise. "Hey, Cody."

"Yup."

"Please help Mikhail take this crazy secondary curse off me."

"Sure, buddy!" He leans down and pulls me up from under my arms.

"So now you help me, you two faced bastard."

"There's a difference between helping and you, suicidal nutcase."

"I'll crack your nuts if you leave me again."

"You sound like you're obsessed with me."

"Keep talking and your future offspring are non-existent," I threaten. I position my leg so it can easily gain purchase of his ball sack.

"Please be kind to my future wife."

Cody starts dragging me to his car then jumps into the driver's seat after laying me down in the back seat with my head resting on Mikhail's lap. It's quite pleasant besides the part that I feel like I might fall into another nightmare at any time.

"So how's your day been?" I ask.

"Ah, you know, the usual. Having to save my childhood friend again from rapists and trying not to get involved."

"Not you, asshat, Mikhail. No one gives a shit about the side characters."

"Ouch, that hurt. Someone, please love me," Cody pleads to the readers.

"Well, I was worrying about you all day," Mikhail answers.

"Hey! Don't ignore me!" Cody shouts.

"Aw, how sweet of you to care about your victims."

"I didn't do it on purpose."

"Did you not read the chapter 'Bitch touched me with toilet hands!'? It was a very prominent thing about touching and how you did that."

"I'm not listening anymore~"

"It's always the pretty boys that mess shit up the most," Cody sneers from the front of the car.

"And it's the pretty boys who get the sex. And you will forever be a virgin." Kage grins.

"Guys, I think I'm having a nightmare again."

"Nope, this is real. Jack's friend, step on it."

"Righteo, Jack's future rapist."

"Why does everyone belong to me now? Did I just become the overlord or something?"

Kage, who is standing next to the car at the red light we stopped at, is now trying to yank off the back door where my feet are situated.

"How does he keep finding me? Even in my nightmares. I swear, if he becomes one of those 'Everybody must feel pity for me' characters then I'm going to not kill myself just to spite everyone."

No! Don't let him rape me!

"Jackie, you swapped your inside voice with your outside voice," Cody tells me.

"Well, shit."

Cody speeds off away from the homicidal Kage and off to freedom ... The only thing is that he forgot me😢

"It's Jackie," I introduce myself like the meme.

Kage just stares at me like I'm the idiot.

"I'm trying to seem more frightening," I explain.

"You suck at it."

"Leave him alone!" New contender, Mikhail, enters the stage.

"Never!"

They both look at me like I'm the idiot.

"Drama~"

"Jackie, stay out of this."

——

I stop Kage and Mikhail for a moment to address the readers.

"Sorry to have interrupted this program but this is important, bitches. Don't you just hate it when the people fighting over the main character tells the main character to stay out of their fight and that they aren't involved with it in any way?

I mean, bitch, fuck off! They're the reason you're fighting in the first place! If it wasn't for them, you wouldn't be getting your dick wet and you would have gone about with your daily business BUT NO! It's none of their business. Go ... fucking jump off a cliff. Thank you."

——

"I am throwing myself in the middle of this fight. Why? Isn't it obvious by now? Come on, everybody say it with me. I am suicidal. Yay! Wasn't that just great. It's a whole group effort now. Mass suicide, baby!"

"Jackie, are you feeling alright?" Kage asks. He even tried to feel my forehead for a temperature.

"Bitch, when did my self-pitying jokes become contagious? Now everyone is fucking around in this story! Where's the normality?"

But let's be honest. Who needs it? Deep shit, bruh.

----

Mikhail's face comes into view. He moves away from me, quickly snapping back as soon as he sees I'm awake. What was he doing?

"Mikhail?" I sit up and hold my pounding head between my hands. "What? Where am I?"

"You're in my bedroom, remember?"

"But that was yesterday. What the hell?"

He sighs. "I'm sorry, Jackie. I shouldn't have touched you."

"You raped me in my sleep!"

"No! I put this curse on you!"

"That could be seen in a different way."

"The reason why I wasn't phased earlier in the bathroom? That's because I have powers too."

"And you lied about sitting behind me in history."

"Yes. Didn't think you'd figure that one out."

"Actually, I went through a shit ton in that weird progressive nightmare. How am I back then? What if this is just part of the nightmare still? What if I'm in a loop? What if I went back in time and I see my past self? I'm going to die if I see him!"

"Calm down." He grabs my shaking hands and makes me concentrate on him. "I took the curse away, okay? You're fine now. No more nightmares." He looks down at our hands. "Never mind."

"What do you mean? How do your powers work?"

"Once I touch someone via skin contact then the nightmare curse is placed upon the person and I have to ... do something to take the curse away from them."

"What do you have to do? What is the something?"

He's reluctant to tell me. "I might as well just show you, but you can never touch me again otherwise I'd have to take it away again."

"What is it?"

"I have to ..." he trails off