0•0Cartman's POV0•0

I take my phone out of my pocket to see I'm getting a call from, Scott Malkinson? I thought Dova said he died? Whatever.

"Coon Friends! We found the female! But she's escaped to the Italian restaurant! Also Alpha Wolf has fainted from well I'm not too sure what but I think it's from farting back in time. We need some back up."

Oh shit he actually does have time fart powers. I was just joking about that but sweet. " ALRIGHT! All Coon Friends to the Bucca de Faggoncini!" I send out a snap to the rest of the Coon Friends before heading towards the restaurant.

I arrive at the restaurant and decide that I might as well get a table and order some food. After a while I notice Captain Diabetes dragging in an unconscious Alpha Wolf. They both seem pretty roughed up. Ah well it's the life of a superhero.

"Cartman What the fuck are you doing?" I turn to look at Human Kite as I bite into a bread stick.

"It's the Coon, and you guys were talking to long." I respond.

"You are so- Oh holy shit, Scott what the fuck happened to Dova?" Human Kite says going over to help Scott drag him.

"I'm not sure exactly. I remember dying and then hearing and smelling a fart and then I was back before the sign fell on the Italian guy. After that he just fainted."

"Wait what? You died and Dova farted, rewound time to bring not only you back, but also some Italian guy? Well no fucking wonder he fainted!" Super Craig says, arriving with Mosquito.

"Didn't you call them to check on how they were doing like you did the rezzzt of us?" Mosquito asks me.

"Yes and Alpha Wolf told me Scott was dead and he was freaking out and not making sense so I  hung up on him." I respond. They all just glare at me. "What?"

"WHAT THE FUCK CARTMAN!?" Both Kyle and Craig yell at me.

"What?" I ask again.

"SCOTT FUCKING DIED AND YOU JUST HUNG UP ON DOVA AND DID NOTHING!?" Kyle yells.

"Well it's not like I could do anything about it if he was already dead! Besides what does it matter? He's alive now." I say defending myself.

"DOVAHKIIN WAS HAVING A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK! YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST TRIED TO CALM HIM DOWN! YOU COULD'VE DONE FUCKING ANYTHING AND IT WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN HANGING UP!" Craig yells at me.

"I mean I tried to joke with him at first but he just got mad!"

"NO SHIT HE GOT MAD! OUR FRIEND HAD DIED AND YOU JUST TELL A JOKE?" Mosquito yells.

"Um Guys-"

"Well what the fuck was I supposed to do?" I yell back.

"Should I go finish the mission or-"

"YOU COULD'VE TRIED TO CALM HIM DOWN! OR AT LEAST CALL ME OR CRAIG TO CALM HIM DOWN! OH AND MAYBE I DONT KNOW CALL 911!" Kyle yells.

"Hey, it's fine! I'm fine now so-"

"IF I HAD DONE THAT THEN OUR MISSION WOULD'VE BEEN COMPLETELY RUINED! BESIDES YOU WOULD'VE CALLED KENNY! AND HE-"

"FUCK THE MISSION! IF ONE OF US FUCKING DIES THAT TAKES PRIORITY!" Mosquito shouts.

"AND I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT KENNY WILL BE FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS EITHER WAY!" Craig yells at me.

"EVEN IF DOVA DOESN'T TELL HIM I FUCKING WILL CAUSE WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK CARTMAN!?"

"HEY!" We all turn to see Dovahkiin sitting up and holding his head. "Can you all shut the fuck up and explain to me what in the actual fuck is going on?"

"You fainted after apparently rewinding time and saving me and now they're all yelling at the Coon for not doing anything when he called you." Captain Diabetes explains.

"Oh for- Okay we can all beat up Cartman later but can we please just deal with fucking Classi first?" Alpha Wolf requests.

"Yes of course, you all go do that while-"

"Cartman, If you want me to fucking stay on Coon and Friends you are going to come with us." Dovahkiin says.

"H-hey fellas! What did I m-miss?" Jimmy says finally arriving. "What's with all the t-t-tension?"

We all just turn to stare at Fast Past. "What? Did I m-miss something?"

"Don't worry about it. Come on." Dovahkiin says sighing. "Anyways, where'd the stripper go?"

"Dunno. I didn't see her. Maybe she's in the back." I suggest.

"Alright then let's fucking go."

"Are you sure you're up for it Alpha Wolf? You l-look a bit worse for wares." Fast Past asks.

"I've been worse." Is his grumbled response.

"Cause that's a reassuring answer." Super Craig says rolling his eyes.

"I'm fine. Come on let's just go." Alpha Wolf says leading us into the kitchen.

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]Dovahkiin's POV[

Okay so we just beat up a bunch of Italian cooks. I mean they're the ones that attacked us but I guess we are kinda trespassing. Whatever.

"Classi must have gone this way, but the path is barricaded." Scott points towards the shit ton of wine barrels and crap.

"What are we supposed to do then? Climb it?" Craig asks.

"Well while you guys do that I'm gonna go make sure the food we ordered doesn't go to waste." Cartman says.

"You ordered food? What the fuck fatass!?" Kyle yells at him.

"It's not good to fight crime on an empty stomach." Cartman argues, leaving the kitchen.

"Should zzzomebody tell him that he izn't gonna get his food now that we've beat up the chefz." Clyde asks. The buzzing is kinda annoying but I guess that's the point isn't it?

"Are you guys all good here or...?" Craig asks.

"Yeah I think we've got it form here. Though if you could go shove a couple breadsticks up Cartman's nose that'd be great." I respond.

"We'll get right on that then." Clyde salutes us before leaving the kitchen.

"Good luck guys." Kyle says leaving as well.

"I'm gonna shove this wooden spoon up his ass." Craig says as he leaves.

I just shake my head and turn back to Scott. "Hmmm, What to do what to do?" He mumbles.

"What're you thinking Scott?" I ask.

"Well, I could easily lift this out of the way but I can't use my apple juice without my insulin to bring me back down." He explains.

"How strong are you without your 'diabetic rage' Scott?" I ask, looking at the keg or whatever it is thats in front of us.

"I'm still pretty strong, but not nearly enough to lift this. Why do you ask?"

"You might not be able to lift it alone but I bet we could lift this together." I say.

"Yes of course! With my diabetes and your wolf powers we should be able to move this without even needing my diabetic rage! You are a genius Alpha Wolf! Come, let us lift this!" Scott says.

Scott and I both grab hold of the bottom of the keg thing. "Alright, in three Okay?" Scott nods. "1...2....3!" We both lift the thing and manage to tip it over.

"We did it! If we are ever in a dire situation like that again, know that you can call on me to assist you!" Scott says.

"Cool. Come on let's go, I smell a bunch of cat piss coming form that door." I say nodding towards it. Sure enough, once we step through we are met with a bunch of cats in cages."

"Holy guacamole! What is this?" Scott questions. "We've gotta call the guys!" Scott says facetiming, Cartman.

"Ow! You fuckin! STOP HITTING ME WITH THE SPOON!" A bloody nosed Cartman yells. "Agh, what's up Captain Diabetes? What did you find?

"A room full of Fucking cats." I respond, trying not to laugh at the breadstick creeping towards his nose.

"Is- FUCK OFF KAYHL! Is scrambles one of them?"

"Uhh...Negative. None of them are fat and old." Scott responds looking around at them.

"And what about the- STOP TRYING TO SHOVE BREADSTICKS UP MY NOSE GOD DAMMIT! I FUCKED UP OKAY I GET IT! God. What about the girl?"

"Wow you actually admitted to fucking up. Congratulations."

"Shut up Wolf."

"We're still trying to track Classi down." Scott answers his question.

"Alright we have to find out what she knows. Get- *SMACK* OW CRAIG YOU MOTHER-" his sentence is cut off by a wooden spoon wacking him on the head followed by evil laughter, and then the end call beeps.

"Alright well on to the next room I guess." I say, lifting one of the cat crates and moving it to the side. It meows and hisses in protest. "Oh shut up, we're helping you in the long run." I growl out at the feline.

We then stop right in front of the door. "Hmm sounds like there could be trouble behind this door." Scott says putting his ear against it.

"Uh yeah I know. Wolf hearing, remember?" I say twitching my ear.

"Oh right. Get ready." Ready for what?

"1..." is he gonna break down the door?

"2..." why not just open it? He hasn't even check to see if it's locked.

"Diabetes!" And he broke down the door. And now we are standing in front of a fucking group of Italian mafia members playing fucking poker or some shit. Greeeat.

"See! I told you the fuckin cops were chasing me!" Classi says pointing towards us.

"And you led them here you stupid bitch?"

"Uh-uh, who you calling a stupid bitch? Do I look like your mama!"

"Cookiecutter come back aside, the fact that you think a couple of boys who are barely even teenagers are fucking cops makes all of you pretty damn stupid." I huff out.

"The jig is up Classi!"

"Yeah hold on a moment how would these kids be cops?" Wow people actually listened to me for once. I mean I don't think Scott did but whatever.

"That ain't no cop... that's Captain Diabetes! When he was born his mom farted during labor and it gave him diabetes that he now uses to fight crime!" The fat balding one explains. How in the actual fuck does he know who he is? Let alone his dumbass backstory. Not that mine is any better. Ugh.

"That is not how people get diabetes!" Scott responds.

"If they aren't cops then we can shoot 'em. Along with this bitch too!" One of them says, all of them pulling out guns.

"Um I think the fuck not! Pretty sure that shit is still illegal you know!" I say, backing away from them.

"Aw shit y'all turnin on me? I knew I shouldn't have went into business with y'all Tony Soprano-lookin mother fuckers."

"Why does this shit always happen when we are playing a fucking game." I groan, the Italians backing us up so we're on the same side of the room as Classi.

"So long... Captain Diabetes. Let's see you're Diabetes save you now!" The fat balding one says, cocking the gun. Luckily a beat up drunk as shit Randy with his pants down comes bursting through the door yelling.

Only in fucking South Park everyone. Only in fucking South Park.

"I WANT MY KEEEEYS!" Are you serious? He's made it this Fucking far why didn't he just walk to the fucking store? And how the hell did he know we were here? Oh well he's kinda saved our asses now.

"I don't have your keys man!"

"Aaaahh!" Holy shit Randy just fucking tossed him into the wall.

"He's wasted on red wine!"

"Red Wine drunk is the worst kinda drunk there is!" Randy then proceeds to beat up the rest of the mafia guys as well before they run away.

Oh joy. And we're the ones that took his keys.

"All Right Captain Diabetes, Alpha Wolf... This is it... give me... my fucking keys!"

"Randy you are in even worse condition than you were before! You've made it this far, just Fucking walk!" I respond.

"Then DIIIIIIEEEE" Randy takes one more sip of wine before throwing the glass to the side and charging us. Well shit.

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So luckily the other guys came in to help us defeat Randy, AGAIN. Now we've all turned to look at Classi.

"Alright Alright. Shit! Look, all I know is that there is a kingpin trying to get new higher grade drugs put on the streets." Jesus Christ what are we getting ourselves into? We just want a cat for fucks sake! "It's somebody trying to bring Italian And Chinese crime families together and shit."

"Enough small talk! Where is Scrambles."

"Jesus Christ Cartman." I groan out face palming.

"Scrambles?" Classi says surprised and confused.

"We need this reward money for our superhero franchise."

"I'm pretty fucking sure there's more important shit going on then that Coon." I growl out.

"Alpha Wolf, nothing is more important than the franchise."

"You are so-"

"Just relax Alpha Wolf there's no point in arguing with him." Craig says patting my shoulder.

"Right yeah sure fine!" I say throwing up my arms. God I'm exhausted.

"Oh shit y'all just want a cat?"

"APPARENTLY"

"Come, let us go somewhere where it's safer to talk. To the coon lair!" Cartman says waddling away.

"You're the only reasonable one in the group aren't cha." Classi asks me. "Like the rest of your little friends don't seem to really care about all the crazy shit going on but you are actually confused and shit.

"Yeah pretty much. Probably cause I haven't lived here my whole life."

"How are you not used to this yet dude?" Craig asks.

"I don't fuckin know."

"How long have you lived here then? I've lived here for a while but like I can tell when shits getting even weirder than it normally is.

"Three years." I respond rubbing my eyes and yawning.

"You said y'all were barely teenagers earlier right? What the hell are y'all doing up?"

"This bull shit." I say gesturing to everything around us.

"Damn. Y'all are serious about being superheroes but like when are y'all gonna sleep? Like you seem tired as shit honey."

"That'd be because he just hardly sleeps in general." Craig answers for me.

"Why's that?"

"Parents seem to think I'm fucking deaf and like to yell their heads off until they pass out." I respond.

"Shit. I know what that's like. But you got that whole wolf thing goin on so I bet you hear everything."

"Yeah pretty much." I yawn out again. We've finally reached Cartman's house and have head down to the basem- ahem, Coon lair.

Classi started talking about random shit but honestly I kinda passed out. I don't wake up again until Cartman apparently noticed I was sleeping and starts shaking me.

"Hey! Alpha Wolf! What the-"

"Aw come on let 'em sleep, I don't care. He's been through enough shit tonight and he'll have to go through more at home." Classi says.

"Well-*Yaaaaawn* I'm up now. Kind of." 

"Well shit. Ah well at least you fuckin got some sleep jesus. Anyways as I was saying before fatty decided to be a dick-"

"Hey!"

"-I ain't sellin' myself over to some high-payin' n**** talkin' 'bout trying to make more money off crime and shit."

((Quick AN: The N word is where I draw the line for words that shouldn't be used. I don't care what your skin color is, you shouldn't be using it. I know it's South Park but this is my book and I say Neigh! Moving on.))

"Classi! Classi! I'm sorry but what about the cats?" Cartman asks.

"Pretty sure that shits also important but you actually bring up a good point for once Coon. What the hell do cats have to do with all of this?"

"Oh the cats? Ok that's this little Asian freak named Yakibaba or some shit. He's goin around payin' all these 9th graders to take people's cats. That's fucked. Up! I think takin' that pussy is like takin' mine know what I'm sayin'? That's like criminal shit." Classi explains. Okay but like why?

"Where do the cats go?" Kyle asks.

"I can tell you, but I ain't sayin' shit until I know I'm safe. These n***** ain't playin' and I need to know you gonna protect my ass!"

"Eric Cartman!" Oh fuck. "Do you have any idea what time it is? This is a school night!"

"Mom not now, we're seriously on to something." How his mom has never beaten his ass I don't know. I know if I was his parent I would've a long time ago. I mean I'm not one for child abuse or hitting your children but Jesus, Eric is an ass.

"You kids all get home now or I'm calling your parents!"

"Fuckin bye asshole! Sorry Mrs. Cartman!" I say launching out of my seat with the rest of the guys.

"Sorry Mrs. Cartman! Please don't tell my mom!" Kyle says running up the stairs right besides me.

As we're bolting out the door I hear her talk about Classi followed by Carman ordering for Jimmy to take her to his house.

"I don't think I've ever seen you move so fast in your life Dova. Well other than that time you ran to tackle Kenny out of the street so he wouldn't get hit by a car." Craig says as we leave house. We wave to Kyle and walk in the opposite direction as him.

"Which time would that be? That's happened like three times this month." I respond dryly.

"Touché. How you gonna sneak back in?" He asks as we stop in front of my house.

"Same way I snuck out, through the front door. My mom was passed out in their room or something while my dad was passed out on the couch. That's probably still the case considering there's no yelling coming from the house." I say with a yawn.

"Alright well actually get some fucking sleep then dude." Craig says pushing me a bit before walking away. "See ya Dov!"

"Bye Craig!" I respond through a yawn.

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END OF CHAPTER 9
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An: I really need to start writhing chapters again but reading other fanfics is soooo much easier.

Ah well whatever. There's still several prewritten chapters so yeah. Luckily I have a lot less homework than I thought I would. So far at least. I probably just jinxed myself.

Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and if you did boop that vote button with your nose and mayhaps cough up a comment.

I shall see you all in a couple of weeks! Au revoir little biscuits!

🧠Cookie out🧠

Hey so that was me Sunday night^ and Uh whoops forgot to post yesterday. He he He I'm a bad person. Anyways sorry for the lateness 😓 I would say I promise it wont happen again but I'd definitely end up breaking it.

Anyways bye!