MASSIVE FUCKING TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER

WE GET INTO RAPE, WHAT HAPPENED AFTER RAPE, PHYSICAL ABUSE, THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, AND FORGETFULNESS DUE TO TRAUMA

guys this is the whole alex thing and it's heavy

you do not have to keep reading if you are triggered by any of these and i will love you either way

stay safe, besties

It was only a matter of time, Alex realized, before Magnus would open his locker and see the letter.

    Then she knew when Magnus saw it. She'd gotten to class before him and sat toward the back of the room. The bellwork for ASL had been giving examples of the Five Parameters. Difficult enough to take her mind off Magnus. Simple enough to be leisurely. It was mindless busywork, and yet that was all that kept her from running to the bathroom and retching whatever churned in her stomach before going home. Maybe once she got there, she'd actually go through with it.

    No. No. No, she wouldn't. She called out for help; that's a sign she still wanted to fight. She still wanted to fight. Keep fighting. Keep fighting. Keep fighting.

    Her hand instinctively went to her cheek, the same place bruises used to lay from the hand of... Well, she wasn't sure. Was it her father? Adrian? There was no use in trying to figure it out.

    Then comes Magnus. Alex knew he had entered the class without looking, but she did anyway. He was exhausted. The circles under his eyes were dark and deep, his lips dry, dried tears streaking his cheeks. Magnus stared at her, his hands starting to shake.

    Alex looked away; she didn't want to see him like that. She never wanted to see him like that. But, everything is worse when it is Alex who causes the pain.

    People told her all her life that Alex made life hell. Who said that? she wondered. Which one of them said that to me?

    No matter. Whoever did was correct. Alex was a burden. No mark on her wrist could change that. Magnus would move on eventually. Everyone moves on eventually.

    In the end, Alex wouldn't have mattered.

    Stop it. Keep fighting. Keep fighting. Keep fighting.

    Then Magnus sits next to her, his face almost emotionless.

    He didn't care.

    Then she felt him grasp her hand. It was tight, but Alex didn't say anything of it. When she glanced down, Magnus' knuckles were white. He held onto her like she was his lifeline. Stay with me.

    Alex couldn't do much in response. She could only squeeze his hand back. I'm alive.

    But this was an ASL class, and the couple couldn't forever comfort each other in the silence and intimacy of touch. They had to sign, but not to each other.

    The teacher took role, and it was Alex's job to sign Hello! My name is A-L-E-X F-I-E-R-R-O.

    The teacher asked to go through vocab, and it was Alex's job to sign Football. Basketball. Volleyball. Baseball. Softball. Soccer. Bowling. Swimming. Running. Walking. Dancing. Sewing. Knitting. Drawing. Writing. Practice. New York. Texas. California. Gold. Silver.

    The teacher asked you to fingerspell the alphabet. Hadn't she just proved she could fingerspell? Nevermind it. Don't think too much. Don't think too little. Don't spiral. Don't think about it. Think about the musical.

    She signed the first three letters.

    Yes, the musical. It was almost done now. The costumes will need to be finalized. Which should she do first? Persephone's Chanel-inspired dress? Hermes' suit? The Fates' skirts?

    Then she was done fingerspelling.

    Alex put her hand under the desk, slipping it into Magnus'. It was the only thing grounding her, keeping her sane. Help me.

    Then the bell rang, and she would be alone again.

    All Alex could think of for two full periods was What if I did it? Would it matter? Would anyone care?

    Stop it. Keep fighting. Keep fighting. Keep fucking fighting.

    Magnus would care. He was crying in ASL class. Clearly, he cared. He was telling her Stay with me. Magnus wanted Alex to stay. So fucking stay. If not for anyone, for Magnus.

    But it was just holding hands. A large part of her continues to remind Alex of that fact. Magnus didn't say anything. He just held her hand.

    What if Magnus was mad. He was holding on tightly; it hurt a little. Was that not a taste of what was to come?

    You failed to prepare for it before. Don't be a fucking idiot and turn a blind eye. Who's to say he won't hurt you too. Dad hurt you. Adrian hurt you. You hurt yourself.

    No. Humor Alex. Say Magnus were to actually care about her and wants her to live. How would Magnus feel?

    Then comes fourth period, where she sits next to Shel.

    "Are you okay?" Shel whispers.

    Fuck Shel. Fuck her and her motherly charm. Oh, wasn't Shel just so fucking perfect? She always understands what people are going through and was such an inspiration. Did you hear she was raped? Fuck you and everyone else who loved Shel.

    But Alex also loved Shel. That's what makes denying it to her so hard.

    So, Alex was honest. "No, I'm not," she said. "I need someone with me at lunch so that I don't try to kill myself before Magnus comes. After that you can leave."

    Shel's eyes widened, and she almost grasped Alex's shoulder but didn't. Shel remembered how Alex didn't like touch all that much. But Alex needed touch. Bring Alex back, please. "Alex..." she whispered.

    "Don't," Alex snapped. "Stop the fucking baby tone."

    "Sorry," Shel muttered.

    Then came lunch, and Alex sat by the lockers with Shel.

    "I'm sorry for being an ass," Alex muttered after a moment. "I'm going through a lot right now."

    Shel was silent but nodded. She wrapped her arms around herself. "When I was assaulted, I used to pretend that one day Octavian would get his ass thrown in prison. I would've gotten justice. I wrote a victim impact statement about it just in case it became a reality. It didn't," Shel said.

    Alex grabbed Shel's hand. "I'm sorry." She paused. "Can you read it?"

    Shel took out her phone and went through her notes app. She cleared her throat. "When I was 14, Luke Castellan confessed he loved me. I thought we were just friends, and I had no romantic feelings toward him. To make it easier, I came out to him as a lesbian. When I was 15, luke invited me to his 18th birthday party, and I accepted. I had known Luke for 5 years, and I trusted him. I regret that now. At his party, there was a man. His cousin, as it turned out. He really wanted to fuck someone, and that someone was me. He was willing to do anything to do it. I went to the bathroom. Luke was guarding my drink. It was he who wanted revenge for rejection. It was him who plopped pills in my Sprite can.

    "I drank it. I fell. Octavian put me on a bed, shoving himself into an unmoving body. I was awake. I was present. I remember every thrust into me, but I couldn't move. I couldn't tell him to stop. I couldn't tell him to leave me alone. I couldn't push him off of me. I couldn't even tell him to put on a fucking condom."

    Alex didn't remember having those feelings. All she could remember was wanting an out but thinking this was normal. Adrian loved her, and this is what people do when they love each other.

    Shel continued, "My mom was worried about me. I was out past curfew. I remember Octavian left, and I was still there, unable to move. I remember how my phone was blowing up from calls from my mom, my dad, Leona, and her mom. I remember being able to move and not answering those calls. Just grabbing the clothes he stripped me of, going to the subway, and walking home alone and unfeeling. When I got home, my mom was understandably pissed but relieved that I was alive and unharmed. Or at least she thought I was unharmed. But, my mom has always been observant. She saw the mascara runs I tried to hide, how messy my hair looked, how I didn't look her in the eye. She asked what had happened. You never know how much you need to hear those words until you start bawling into someone's chest, explaining every little detail of the encounter.

    "This is really depressing," Shel said, tears falling down her face. "I also don't think it's helping, so let me get to the point. I know what it's like to be alone and want to die. But I don't know how to help you. I wish I could--"

    "No," Alex said, her voice cracking. "Keep going."

    Shel nodded. "She took me to the hospital. I didn't want to go. I wanted to take a shower and stay there until every part of him was washed away. Then I wanted to sit in bed and stay there until I felt something. Anything."

    Alex understood that feeling. When she was ten, her father found a C she had on a test. He'd bent her over the bathtub and lifted her shirt to reveal her back.

    He grabbed the belt and hit her. Again. Again. Again. Thwap. Thwap Thwap. She'd tried to run away, but he'd held her and pushed her back onto the tub while she screamed for help. No one was there.

    When her dad was done beating her, he turned her around. "Don't do that shit again," he said.

    Her back was bleeding. She could feel the liquid slowly dripping, tickling her raw and bruised skin.

    She'd taken a shower and stayed there until the bleeding stopped, then didn't leave her room for a day. Eventually, she got hungry. Her memory was starting to fade. Why was Alex doing this? She was just grounded, and her back hurt because...

    She didn't know.

    "My mom," Shel said, "didn't take that for an answer. They ran tests. Lots of them. I got the morning-after pill. Some cops came and took pictures of me. The abrasions he left. They asked if this was my first time. It was.

    "People say that losing your virginity makes you a new person. I thought it was stupid. Something created by men to keep women virgin until the give themselves away to the person she marries. It was all bullshit. Then I was raped. I understood what they meant now." Shel glanced at Alex, who was silently bawling. "Do you want me to keep going?"

    Alex nodded. She needed this, and she could feel Magnus walk behind her. He slowly lowered himself next to her. But Alex didn't care. She needed to hear this.

    "Okay," Shel whispered. "They asked my mother if she'd like to press charges. She said yes. I filed a report. It was lost in the system three days later.

    "I stayed home for two weeks. When I went back to school, Octavian cornered me. Said I was a bitch for trying to file a report. Said I was lucky he just cleared his name and didn't sue. I just left. He had power. I knew that now. He could take anything he wanted.

    "And he took everything from me. My privacy, my speech, my dignity, my mentality, he even tried to take my life when I stood staring at a windowsill, tying a knot in a rope, a note on my bed. But that ends today.

    "People say that I am an inspiration. I have to live with this trauma." Shel grasped Alex's hand. "I do not live with it. I repress it, shoving it down deep inside, ignoring it until I can't anymore. I try to leave it behind, but it forever lingers. I am scarred, and he is let free. He took away everything I used to be, and he is still allowed on the streets."

    When Alex was lying on the bed, she lay on her stomach. It was uncomfortable, but sleeping on her side or back would be worse. Tears were streaming down her face, but not from pain. It didn't hurt that much anymore.

    Only one thought went through her mind.

    This isn't real. This isn't real. It didn't happen. Pretend it didn't happen. This never happened.

    Her dad was still there when he was taken in by her half-sister's family. He continued his daily stroll around the block until his anger got ahold of him. But people said he was friendly, even though the scars on her back said he was here.

    Her dad was still free.

    Shel wiped the tears off her face. "When I first told my story to the few people I knew, they said to leave details out. That my--"

    "Wait, did Piper say that?" Alex asked.

    "No," Shel said. "It was the people I used to hang out with before I met Sadie and Pipes and the lot. Hi Magnus."

    "Hey."

    "Anyway. They said to leave details out. That my explicit words were too much. They couldn't understand it. I say, be grateful you don't. I do not write and deliver this for you. It is for the people who know they will never forgive. For the people who know that it doesn't feel better, it just gets easier to bear. For the people who piece themselves together with the smallest grains of dignity, they are able to steal back. It is for the people who understand the happy ending written here. If you do not, congrats. You've never been through it before. I pray you never will notice the happy ending.

    "But to those who do, know that I understand. Know that you are not alone. Know that you didn't cause this.

    "To Octavian, I'd like to issue a final fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you and your roofies. Fuck you and your money. Fuck you and your entitlement. Fuck you and your predatory nature. Fuck you and your bullshit family that covered everything up. Fuck you and what you did to me. Fuck you, and I hope you rot in that jail cell." Shel turned off her phone. "I spent a year writing that," she said with an airy laugh. She glanced at Alex. "You saw the ending?"

    Alex nodded. She did. Adrian and her father had taken everything from her. Her mentality. Her privacy. Her will to live. Her memories.

    That ends today. That's what Shel had said. That was the happy ending. The happy ending was taking those grains of dignity--memories, in Alex's case--and keeping them.

    Then, she realized that she was touching someone other than Magnus or Samirah. Alex was still holding onto Shel. Hugging Shel. Shel had wrapped her arms around Alex, and she didn't remember flinching.

    Alex didn't flinch at the touch nor at the way she saw herself in Shel's words.

    That was a happy ending, wasn't it?

    "You said it without throwing up," Alex said.

    Shel squeezed Alex's hand. "Yeah, I did." She looked at Alex. "It takes time. Healing isn't automatic, even if we wish it was. But you're doing better." Shel's phone started dinging. "They're looking for me," she said after checking. "If you don't call me later, I will find you. I know where you live," Shel called before leaving Magnus and Alex.

    After a moment, Magnus said, "How are you feeling?"

    Alex leaned on his shoulder. "Like shit. But Shel helped, she always does."

    "No, because every time I hear something about Shel, people say she's amazing," Magnus said.

    "I know, right? It's annoying that she's so good at comforting people," Alex said. "But she'll do it so aggressively. She might actually break into my house tonight."

    Magnus smiled. "I'm glad you have someone." He paused. "I wish I knew how to help you. I've never been good at the whole... comforting thing." He looked at Alex. "Just know that I'm here. I'll listen. And I can't imagine a life without you, so please don't..." Magnus' voice broke.

    "I won't," Alex whispered. "I let her hug me, so I guess I'm not unfixable."

    "I don't think fix is the right word," Magnus said. "More like you were carrying everything you needed, but someone tripped and stole everything. You're just figuring out how to take it back."

    "Did you also get the happy ending?"

    Magnus snorted. "No, I had no idea what she was talking about."

    Alex laughed, and she found that it was genuine for the first time in years.

hi my violation beans

welcome back to tangents with gabby

if i didn't make you feel something with this, i will have failed as an author

this took sooooo long to write because i went through the full drafting process with this one

anyway, before i get into the nitty gritty of everything, if you related to this in any way, it was not your fault. i hope you are okay. my dms are open. and i love you

this chapter was originally going to be dual perspective between shel and alex as they both live through their trauma but i changed it

i had written that victim impact statement as a character exercise and to help with my rhetoric, but I found a lot of similarities between that speech and Alex's trauma

that similarity is what fueled the change and made me want to lean into alex's memory loss even more

which is why, I know Alex's full backstory, but I doubt I will share it all. I left so many gaps in Alex's story and I really love that I was able to translate Alex's memory loss in that way

however, i wasn't going to share that impact statement. i shared it with a friend of mine and she told me to tone it down

then i read Know My Name and Emily Doe's victim impact statement

i ended up scrapping what i had originally written and got a new impact statement with this newfound knowledge about how it wasn't the assault that hurt the most

it was the aftermath

and i found that the statement was much more powerful afterwards, and i actually ended up getting more and more places to integrate Alex's backstory

originally, alex's full backstory was written, and I took almost all of it out because I did a lot more research on memory loss in regards to trauma

i think that is was really hard to translate because I, as an author, already know everything. but i want to make things easier for you to understand, so it took a lot to show that restraint regarding Alex.

this was written in a month.

Originally, it was 1,000 words. It is now 3,000 words

anyway, enough with the writing process

lets talk about ME

i started watching handmaids tale for the first time after swearing i would never watch something so GrApHiC

uh, it's fucking amazing

and scary

like, the fact that i can see society going there is scary to me

i went to panda express to disappoint my chinese friend and my brother ate my salty noodles before i woke up and i almost committed a murder

other than that, nothing has really happened to me

how are y'all?

lmao that was a stupid question, you read this. none of you are okay

oh riptide2406 was this angsty enough for you? i know you were eagerly awaiting this

lmao i just saw you reply to my announcement, so hopefully you enjoyed

anyway, i'm going to watch more handmaids tale

love y'all!