In another life,
No telling what I would have been.

L E T A

'Do you really think that?' I asked after a long silence. 'Do you really think you don't have a soul?'

Raphael was lying on the sofa, spinning a bottle top in his hands and tossing it above his head. Each time he would catch it, and each time my eyes would follow it like I was hypnotised.

'Why is this relevant?' Raphael asked dryly. 'You're becoming a vampire. Big deal.'

'Er,' I snapped. 'Big deal? Are you joking? This is my life we're talking about!'

'Well, look on the bright side, soon enough you won't be living anymore. You'll be dead- or at least undead. Does it really matter whether you have a soul or not?'

Something had changed since he'd whispered at me to 'run, and never stop running.' Something had made him turn from the Raphael I felt like I was starting to understand to the Raphael who I didn't know at all, the one who revelled in being a vampire and who I didn't trust.

Not that I really trusted the other Raphael, actually.

'It matters to me,' I said sharply. 'And it mattered to you, too. Once. When you tried to dive into the sunlight-'

'Letita,' Raphael said angrily, and his hands stopped moving. The bottle top rolled to the floor, landing with a ping. 'Stop talking.'

'I want to know what's going to happen to me!' I said, refusing to let myself be intimidated by him. For God's sake, Raphael, talk to me.

'Trust me, you don't.' The answer was short and blunt. It was clear our talk was over, at least in his eyes.

I knew that I should probably shut up, but something made me keep pressing. 'Raphael, how did you get turned?'

'Your voice is starting to get on my nerves.'

'Did someone pick you out, like you picked me out?' I pushed. The bottle top was now lying directly between us, and I saw Raphael's eyes dart towards it like he was debating getting it or just leaving it. He sighed and looked away, and for some reason I felt like I'd won a victory.

'Can you not take a hint? I'm starting to get a headache, and vampires don't even get headaches.' He turned away from me so he was facing the wall, and I felt a irrational surge of anger.

I folded my arms. 'I'm not going to stop until you talk to me.'

Raphael sighed and rolled over so he was facing towards me on the sofa again. 'Happy now? We're talking. Look, face to face.'

'I don't mean talking talking,' I said stubbornly. 'I mean talking.'

'Talking,' Raphael repeated. 'Not talking talking, because that would be silly. Talking.'

My cheeks began to heat up, and I wished I was somewhere else, anywhere else, just far away from this too small room and the vampire who I didn't understand. 'I just want to understand what's going on.' I told him. 'Is that too much to ask?'

'Please just drop it,' he grumbled. 'Or I'll have to kill you now, and that'd just be messy. Plus, I'd have to bury you, and I don't know your middle name.'

'Katerina,' I said automatically, then winced. 'But that's not the point.'

'Please stop assuming that just because I picked you out it means I won't kill you. You're gravely mistaken, and it may be your last mistake. Ever,' he added, just in case I hadn't caught on to what he was saying. 'No being a vampire for you, I'll Turn you then kill you.'

For a second, I almost considered it. Dying... But not having to live an immortal life. Being a vampire... It was just something I didn't want.

I wanted to grow old, and to grow old with somebody else. With horror, I imagined loving someone- a human- and watching them grow older as I stayed forever eighteen... Forever young, forever a teenager, forever too young to drink.

But I knew I couldn't. No matter how upset or angry I was, I could never kill myself. Or get someone else to kill me.

'I just want to understand,' I repeated. 'I want to understand.'

'Dios. One more word, and I'll-'

I broke him off before he could complete his sentence. 'Are you Spanish?'

I couldn't help it. I just wanted to understand him, to know what made him switch between Normal Raphael and Nice Raphael. There must be something, I reasoned with myself. There's always something that can flick the switch...

Maybe if I peppered him with enough questions, he'd finally tell me something.

Then I was lying on the floor, with a vampire above me, baring his teeth, and I realised that I'd gone a little too far.

****

I rephrase: maybe I'd gone a lot too far. Around twenty questions too far. Raphael stared down at me, his fangs poking out from beneath his lips. My arms were pinned to the ground by his hands, and I could feel his breath on my face, sending tiny curls of my hair waving.

This is the most awkward position I've ever been in, was my first thought. Oh my God, he's actually going to kill me, was my second.

And my third was noticing just how cute Raphael actually was.

If only he could have a different personality, I thought. That face is wasted on Normal Raphael. But Nice Raphael fit okay with it.

Then I remembered I was pretty much dead, and decided to stop thinking about how cute (or not cute) Raphael was.

'I told you not to test me,' he said, eyes gleaming with a dark fire that chilled me down to the bone. This was a whole new Raphael- Satan Raphael, I decided to call it.

If I lived, of course, which didn't seem too probable then.

Suddenly, he was gone, halfway across the room and staring at me, lying on the floor with a horrified expression on his face. 'I need to go,' he stammered.

The door slamming closed was the only indication of him leaving. I couldn't even see him.

I sank to the sofa, sure my face was bright red. I just sat there, I thought miserably. He was about to kill me, and I didn't do anything. I was just like all those 'damsel in distress' girls in books I hate- and worse.

I bit my lip, hard, and gripped the sofa tightly, hoping the pain would give me clearer thoughts. What just happened?

Wow I'm on a roll.

xxx Jade