If I can't help falling in love with you?

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CHAPTER 66:

MISUNDERSTANDING

Why?

That was always the first question when it came to Mars, and tonight was no different. I'm not sure he would have spoken if I hadn't opened my mouth, but after finally snapping out of my survival mode, I couldn't keep silent any longer.

"Why did you follow me?" I asked.

Mars was leaning against the wall, struggling to lift his gaze from the ground as he turned his head towards me. Blood clots marred his forehead, chin, and neck. Even in the dim light, his eyes sparkled with unshed tears, his long eyelashes clumping together. I had never seen him this vulnerable. Not ever. It was bewildering.

For a moment, I thought he wouldn't speak. Then, he took a deep, audible breath and said calmly, "Because you didn't listen."

He was right—I hadn't listened. Because no words could reverse the events, rectify the mistakes, or revive the hope that had died within me. Yes, Mars had saved my life tonight, but even that couldn't scrub away the harm he had caused. Anger reignited in my heart. I clenched my teeth.

"There was nothing worth listening to."

"You're wrong," he said. "You're so wrong, Olive. You've misunderstood everything."

I frowned and glanced back at him. Even now, he was defying me, huh? Fine.

"What exactly have I misunderstood?" I demanded.

He smiled weakly and looked away. "You've misunderstood me. I would never do anything to hurt you, Olive. I can't. That's the problem."

My frown deepened, confusion mounting. "What does that even mean?"

He hesitated, lips parting as if to speak, then paused, searching for the right words. With a heavy sigh, he brushed his hair back, licked his lips, and finally spoke, his gaze fixed on the ground as if reciting a difficult confession.

"I... lost everything I cared about all at once. It wasn't even a bad day. I woke up, had breakfast, went to training... It was late when I returned. I could have come back earlier. Maybe things would have been different then. But I didn't. It was the weekend. I chose to hang out with friends after the game."

He paused, his lips quivering. Continuing seemed to be a struggle, but after a deep breath, he went on.

"The instant I arrived home, something felt wrong. I sat in the car, waiting for someone to open the gate. There were guards, gardeners, a whole staff—yet nobody came. They couldn't hear me because they were all dead. Entering the garden was like walking onto a battlefield. Bodies were scattered everywhere."

He looked as though he were back in that garden, eyes closed. I turned to him, my mouth agape, struck by the weight of his words.

"Of course, fear completely overtook me. I can't even remember if I called the police. All I could focus on was what might have happened to my family. I rushed to the house. Every light was out; the front door stood wide open. I've replayed that moment a million times since. There were so many things I could have done differently, but instead, I just barged through that door without thinking. Unarmed, reckless, not waiting for anyone... Logic doesn't hold up when your loved ones' lives are at stake."

He tried to smile, but the pain wouldn't let him.

"The first thing I saw was my father, sprawled in the corridor, drenched in his own blood. I'm not sure if he managed to fight back. I couldn't even pause to think because then I heard my mother crying, pleading for mercy. She was in the study. Panicking, I grabbed the first thing I could—an umbrella—and dashed upstairs. Like I said, I wasn't thinking. I realized my mistake the moment I entered the room. Three masked men were there, with my mother and sister huddled on the floor between them. My mother was holding my sister tightly as if she could shield her. That haunting image is the last clear thing I remember. After that..."

He pulled his knees to his chest, rested his arms on them, and buried his face in his hands. I considered telling him to stop; he was clearly in torment. Yet, he pushed his hair back, raised his head, and pressed on.

"They didn't expect me, so I was able to floor one of them right off. But before I could get to another, I was staring down the barrel of a gun. I heard it fire, but the pain didn't hit me right away—shock, I guess. It was all chaos. I managed to stab the umbrella's tip into the second man's throat. The third one, I couldn't reach. My stomach had been blown open; blood was spilling from my mouth. As if I could protect them like that, I threw myself in front of my mom and sister. The sound of the second gunshot merged with my mother's scream. Then... I woke up on a train with a letter and a key in my hands."

He stopped. I had so much to say, yet no words seemed enough for what he had just shared.

"I'm so sorry..." I managed to murmur.

"So am I," he replied. "The first time I met the Principal, I begged her to send me back. I'd never knelt before anyone, but I did before her. If I could go back, maybe my mother and sister would still have a chance. I told her she could take my life later again or send me to the depths of hell for all I cared. But she didn't listen. She said no soul could leave the Dorm before their time and that time moves differently here, that I still had a chance. And I believed her, at least for a while..."

"That's why you used to attend classes."

He nodded. "For a while, I went all out. I thought if I could just excel at everything, they'd have to send me back immediately. I went to every class, pleaded with every angel I met, and went up to the administrative floor over and over again. I even slept outside the Principal's office. But the time she promised never came. And eventually, so much time had passed that going back didn't make sense anymore..."

I thought about everything I'd done trying to get my life back... My ambition, my determination, the risks I was willing to take. Maybe that's why fate decided we were soulmates. Our stories might not look the same, but our motives were identical: getting back to the people we love.

It's strange trying to picture Mars throwing himself into his studies with the same frenzy I had. I remembered all the things I'd said to him when we first met and his resistance. Only now, everything clicked. He was just a broken soul who had walked the toughest roads and learned the hardest lessons.

"You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this," he said.

Right, I was. "Why are you telling me all this?" I asked.

"I truly died the day I realized there was no way out of here," he said. "Hope disappeared. I had nothing left to think about. My feelings just faded away. Yesterday, today, tomorrow... time lost its meaning. After that, I stopped caring about anything or anyone. It took me forever to get used to Blue being around. I convinced myself that she was just someone I made music with, nothing more. I didn't make any real friends. I kept everyone at arm's length because it was simpler, less painful that way. But then... you came into my life and flipped everything upside down."

His smile faltered, and pain flickered in his eyes as he turned back to me. His gaze lingered on my face.

"Oliver... my troublemaker Oliver..." he sighed. "You reminded me so much of myself... it threw me back to my early days. I hated that you forced me to go through it all over again. I hated remembering those feelings. I hated seeing you suffer the same. Most of all... I hated how much I wanted to help you. I tried to push you away, but obviously, it never worked because you're just too stubborn. Because you're not like anyone else. Because you... you make me feel things no one else does."

He paused and looked away, avoiding my gaze. That's when I realized I'd been holding my breath. My mouth hung open, my lips parched, and tears stung my eyes. When Mars turned back to me, I swallowed hard.

"I knew I was losing control, but I was in denial," he admitted, a hint of sadness in his smile. "I kept thinking if I pretended everything was normal, the feelings would fade. But they didn't. The day I saw you at the carnival..." He paused, biting his lower lip. "For the first time in a long while, I felt a rage so fierce, I could have killed for you. And just when I thought I couldn't be more rattled, you jumped into that lake for me. Watching you nearly die in my arms... I thought I'd failed again, like I did with my family. I couldn't even feel relief when you opened your eyes. Fear had me paralyzed. That's when I made up my mind to put everything back to how it was, to keep my distance from you, never to face that terror again."

"Lea..." I said, unable to hold back, my voice shaking.

He turned away, nodding slightly. "I don't know what she told you, but I swear, I wasn't playing games behind your back with her. I... I just wanted to forget. I wanted to go back to normal. I wanted you to stay away from me. And I wanted to stay away from you," he sighed again. "In drama class... I know I acted foolishly. I panicked. I knew the story. I knew how it would end... And the thought of kissing you while barely keeping myself together..." His head bowed as if he was too ashamed to face me.

A tear finally escaped down my cheek. My lips trembled. Yet, I managed to ask, "And the game?"

His face tightened instantly, and he shook his head like he was trying to shake off a bad memory. "I had no idea about the game or that you'd even be there. That night, I wasn't in control of anything—the questions, the answers, what they made us do... Thinking back, I'm not even sure if Lea set that trap just for you. She probably came up with those questions with her friends to shove the truth in my face in her own twisted way." He let out a bitter laugh. "Maybe she even invited Tarben to ensure I got the message."

"What message?"

Mars was no longer looking at me. "I knew there was something between you two. But hearing that you loved him... that was unexpected. Yet... if I hadn't seen Tarben there when I got up... maybe I couldn't have stopped myself. I might have kissed you."

More tears slipped from my eyes. I was speechless. Shock, confusion, a tumult of emotions... Should I laugh or cry?

"You," I said. "You're wrong, Mars. You're so wrong that you've misunderstood everything."

Hearing his own words from me surprised him. Finally, he lifted his gaze back to my face.

"There's nothing between Tarben and me."

"But you said..."

I thought about my answers during the game. "It was Bong who kissed me," I explained. "And it wasn't my choice. Beyond that, I haven't kissed anyone else at the Dorm. And the person I love... it's not Tarben."

I looked away, but Mars leaned in, hanging onto every word. Now, it was his turn to be confused. He shifted closer, gently turning my face back to him. His brow furrowed, and his blue eyes glistened with tears, mirroring mine.

"Olive..." he murmured. "You..."

"I tried too," I cut him off before he could continue. "I tried to ignore it. I thought it would pass. I tried to keep my distance. I tried... and I failed."

"Olive," Mars said again, his voice barely a whisper. A spark of realization lit up his eyes. Finally, he knew what I felt, what I had been through, why I had run away. It seemed to shake him even more. A greater pain crossed his face. "Why?" he choked out. "Why me? I'm the worst possible choice for you."

"You are," I admitted.

But that didn't change the fact that I still wanted him. My gaze defied me, drifting to his lips. I could feel the heat of his fingers more intensely than the sting of any wound. Mars must have felt it, too. He leaned in, his eyes tracing my face—lingering on my eyes before dropping to my lips. He was going to kiss me. I could see it in his eyes, feel it in the way he touched me. I forgot all my fears, erased all the wrongs, and summoning every ounce of courage, I reached out to him.

But...

Suddenly, Mars squeezed his eyes shut and lowered his head. He stood there, frozen, fighting some invisible torment—his brows knitted tightly, teeth clenched. After what felt like an eternity, he slowly pulled himself back, pain etched across his face. Shadows of dark thoughts clouded his gaze. My lips trembled as I watched him, his agony mirroring the ache in my chest. The tears that had hovered on the edge now slipped down my cheeks. We should have been smiling—confessions had been made, misunderstandings cleared, truths finally uncovered. Yet here we were, both utterly shattered. Mars knew himself too well. And me... I could already feel the end closing in.

"I... I can't do this, Olive," he murmured, his voice trembling. "I can't let myself get attached again. I can't care. I can't go through losing someone all over again." He swallowed hard. "I can't be with you." Drawing his knees to his chest, he bowed his head, curling in on himself like he was building a wall between us. "And you can't be with me," he added softly. "Because you can't stay here. You have a whole life waiting for you—people you're desperate to return to. And one day, you will. So..."

So...

Revealing the truth meant nothing. Our feelings meant nothing. If I believed that arguing would change anything, maybe I'd fight. If I didn't know he was right, maybe I wouldn't hate Mars so much. If I could act rationally, maybe I wouldn't be so devastated.

But I wouldn't fight it.

I would probably hate him forever.

And everything that's happened up until now... it was only the beginning of my downfall.

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