dear diary,

i have another question

you don't exactly know me but like i'm sure i give of a vibe...?

it's also a little vague but i screened it from someone who probably screened from someone else which probably goes like that for a hundred times

(08:33)

yo imma go to a village... or a city idrk. and i'm gonna asks my mom if we can go to the hema😎 if you don't know what the hema is, fuck you you aren't valid anymore.

IM KIDDDIIINNNVGGG it's a dutch store lmfao. it's like the dutch walmart but less cringe and smaller.

(14:46)

MY MOM SUGGESTED IT HERSELF

(15:04)

yo i've been back long but err here's what i bought!😃

a ring, a phonecase, a phone screen protector and a kids surprise egg

yuh yuhhhh

tagg yourself as a store, i'm the zeeman; cheap, middle quality, chaotic, and not very popular

:)))

yeah i have nothing else to say

(19:16)

do y'all just feel like you're a sims character? like idrk about this feeling it's the best way i can describe it. i saw this tik tok that talked about depersonalisation and idk i don't wanna self diagnose obvi but that's kinda how i feel tho i don't feel like i have depression.

i just feel kinda numb and like i'm a sims character and i don't care, that's basically my mental state in a sentence rn.

also i told my mom about my mental breakdown (the one i had over my window remote) but like i just said it really stressed me not that i cried. and she LITERALLY told me "but you don't have to worry about loosing your remote, when you have your new room we'll just make smt so you can hang it up" THATS MY FUCKING POINT MOM I DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT THO I GET ANXIOUS AND HAVE AN MENTAL BREAKDOWN ABOUT IT. AND I DOTN WANT A PLACE WHERE I CAN HANG IT I NEVER LOOSE IT ITS ONE TIME

so here's a piece of advise; just don't open up to your parents, they'll give shit advise and you'll end up feeling worse <33

also i'm going swimming sunday and i don't want to but i have to and i was allowed to invite a friend so now i HAVE too and my 3 other sisters also invite someone and we're going with my dad so that makes 9 people and i'm already stressing omg wtf is happening to me i've never had problems with social interactions or sobbing bc i couldn't find something and i always cared about shit and at least last year when i felt like shit too but then i was cringe and overreacting i just felt sad and depressed now i don't feel shit what's happening to me i don't like it. why don't i feel real? am i a robot? i can't be because i can eat right? or can robots eat? idek

i want to go see a therapist but i know i won't be getting any answers because that's the only thing i want in life and i just can't seem to find it.

3 main questions;

1. what are my physical problems and can i die because of them?

2. am i mentally ill or overreacting?

3. what is my sexuality (/gender)?

i'm just sick of it, sometimes i wanna stop living, but not die, but just a break from living.. just... peace for a moment. but i can't, obviously.

thx for listening to my ted talk this was sophie... err idk maximoff or some shit see ya next time

(21:09)