09:

SOPHIE CRACKS

She couldn't take this anymore. Sophie Carmella loathed the elephant that sat stingily between her and Andrew. She so desperately wanted to reach out, tell him that while what she said was true, she didn't necessarily mean what she had said and she knew that Andrew would believe her because when it came down to the two of them it was only the truth that passed on.

And it was that brutal honesty that was still holding her back. Because he had meant what he said and so had she. Andrew never experienced the loss of a parent and there he was trying to understand where she was coming from. Yes, he had no parents but he hadn't ever experienced the loss and that was the brutal, harsh truth.

She knew that Andrew was merely trying to look out for her but did he not get that she wasn't ready to move on? That she couldn't forgive herself no matter how much she tried.

She was staring at the pocket knife again, wondering if all of this could go away with one simple slit. The first time she had thoughts about hurting herself she was disgusted and she tried hiding the pocket knife but there were sharp objects everywhere around the house and Sophie couldn't help but think of harming herself, not because self-harm would bring her joy. No, she wasn't demented. But merely because self-harm could maybe, just maybe, be enough to take this pain in her chest away.

It made sense in a way. In a very messed up way.

Sophie hated herself for thinking such things. She wasn't suicidal. No. She appreciated life, but sometimes, right now, life was just not worth living but she wouldn't dare commit suicide. She knew Andrew would freak, she knew her mother would freak.

She, herself, would freak.

Suicide was selfish. She cared too much to even cause that damage.

But she hated God. She didn't even know if he existed or not but she hated him so damn much. If he was so loving, so caring, then why was he making her feel like this? Why was he making her go through this? Andrew said that it was God's way of testing her but fuck, how was she supposed to pass when she felt like she was drowning with each breath she took.

In need of fresh air and a glass of water, Sophie set the pocket knife down on her study table and made her way into the kitchen. Instead of going for a glass of water which she initially wanted, she pulled out a glass from the cabinet and opened the fridge. She filled her glass with cold orange juice and went outside to the garden.

Her mother was sitting down on the grass, her sunglasses on as she laid down and bathed in the sun's warmth. Sophie downed her glass of orange juice, feeling slightly refreshed. She put aside the glass and joined her mother down on the grass.

"Hey, Ma," Sophie sighed.

"Hey, baby," her mother greeted tilting her head to the side. She watched her daughter close her eyes and bask in the sun. "Everything okay, Soph?"

"Brilliant!" She smiled.

Her mother frowned. "It's not brilliant."

Silence.

"What?" Sophie asked, looking at her mother with wide eyes. "I didn't hear you."

She thought that if she acted as if she never heard her mother would drop the subject, like she had done a million times before but that was before. This is now.

"How's Andrew?" her mother asked.

"He's doing okay."

"He's right, you know, baby?"

Sophie inhaled sharply. She knew her mother had listened to their argument. She hadn't been approached by it until now. "You had no right to listen to us that night," she bit out.

"And you had no right to bring Andrew to your room in secret."

She glared at her mother.

Her mother stared evenly back before her expression crumbled and she reached out for Sophie. "Baby," she whispered stroking her daughter's hair. "Why won't you just talk to me?"

"I'm talking to you now."

"No, you aren't. It's not how we used to be."

"Nothing's like how it used to be, Ma."

Her mother frowned. "And why should anything change?"

"Because Dad died."

Her mother inhaled sharply. She blinked a couple of times as her eyes glossed over. "So, Dad died. It doesn't mean that you have to detach yourself from everyone."

Sophie flinched and moved away from her mother, sitting upright so she could look down at her mother. "You're on Andrew's side?" she barked.

"There's no sides, baby-"

"You're clearly supporting Andrew."

Her mother sighed and then breathed deeply in through her nose. "Sophie, I'm suffering, too. I loved that man. I loved your father with all of my heart and I still do. It's too soon to move on, I know that and so do you. But moving on isn't the same thing as being content, is it? Because every time I look at you I see this lost girl who doesn't want to try anymore, who doesn't want to fight anymore. Darling, when someone we love dies the world tips off its axis and we need to get it back onto its axis. Dad was done in this world and it was his time to go."

Sophie stayed silent, contemplating her mother's words. Andrew had said something similar a while back but something about her mother's words seemed to bring out a thought that she tried her best to suppress.

"You know what scares me, Ma?" Her mother squeezed her hand in encouragement and Sophie found herself opening up a little. "It's the fact that I don't know when I'm going to die. Dad reminded me that we don't all have forever. He reminded me that one day I'll have to be at your deathbed and that is so much more worse because you were there through everything, Ma. You and Andrew have been my constants and-" she gave out a wobbly laugh "-sometimes I think why not end it before God can end me? Why not end it before I see the people I love most fall onto their knees and break before my eyes?"

Her mother was crying now. Not loud wails and not silent sobs. The tears were just flowing down her face, her heart twisting at her daughter's words. How could words hurt this much?

"Sophie," her mother choked, tears brimming her eyes. "Sophie, baby." She gathered Sophie into her arms and hugged her tight, hugged her so tight that Sophie was afraid her mother would break her bones. But she didn't care. She wound her arms around her mother's waist and cried - hot and angry tears, hot and sad tears, hot and scared tears. Sophie cried her heart out and her mother held her tight.

She felt her mother's lips on her forehead and a blissful peace entered her raging system. "God isn't as cruel as you think, Sophie. He's the light. There's always going to be darkness - it's about balance. I'm not saying that you should believe in God. I'm saying that you can't succumb to the darkness when there's so much light you're trying to get rid of."

Sophie swallowed. "If God is so loving and caring and whatever, why does he make us feel pain?"

"That's how we learn, baby."

Sophie peeled herself away from her mother to gaze up at her. "We learn through pain?"

"Sophie think about it. All those little books you read, all those fiction novels - don't they all have some meaning? Most of those characters have gone through something tough. Most of those characters have emerged stronger. Most of those characters are moulded by those events to be who they are in the present." Her mother stroked her thumb across Sophie's cheek, smiling a little bit but her smile was so sad that Sophie felt her heart breaking.

"The past doesn't define us, it's how we chose to react to it that does. Don't push people away, baby. Let them in."