Songs We Listen to at the Café

PROLOGUE

Sa likod ng masisiglang kanta at makukulay na ilaw sa loob ng isang bar, duon mo raw matatagpuan ang malulungkot na tao.

Before, I used to think that was a false claim. I mean who would think that in the middle of people dancing to a good song — which obviously will make you wild and crazy — you'll find the saddest and loneliest people in the world.

But then when I finally came into that stage of my life where I don't know where else to go when I feel like the world is eating me alive, I went to the nearest bar and drowned myself into God knows what kind of alcoholic beverages the bartender gave me.

Wala naman talaga sa plano ko ang pumasok sa bar nang gabing 'yon. It was during the latter days of last year, I felt nothing but deep sadness. I couldn't eat. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit, pero siguro dahil na rin sa lamig ng panahon and the fact that it was holiday season, but I had no one else for me.

Ang ibig kong sabihin ay nang mga gabing 'yon wala akong ibang gustong puntahan kung hindi ang minsan kong naging tahanan at pahinga ngunit huli na ang lahat dahil sarado na ang pintuan.

I also don't have the key anymore. I didn't lose it. Nasira na lang siguro talaga.

The bar scene was so far from a chill café scene. That night I couldn't hear anything but the music blasting from speakers inside the bar where lights were coming off and on. Halos mabulag ako dahil sa mga ilaw.

Matagal na rin kasi nung huling pumasok ako sa bar, I guess it was around my late teenage years, during college days. Kaya naman sobrang nanibago talaga ako. Malayong-malayo sa safe space kong café.

Masikip din ang lugar. Mahirap kumilos dahil sa kaliwa't kanang mga sumasayaw. I couldn't even pass through, but thanks to the bouncer who I guess saw me dying inside the sea of people dancing, I made it to the bartender station.

"Hey!" I shouted to one of the bartenders busy making a drink. "Name's Dio," I added.

"'Sup, Dio, what can I get you?" he asked, while pouring the cocktail from the shaker to the glasses in front of him.

"You tell me," I said, not knowing what to order.

Kaaagad naman siyang napangisi dahil sa sinabi ko. "Ano bang gusto mo? Inumin para makalimot o inumin para maka-alala?"

Natigilan naman ako sa tanong niya. Mabilis ding kumurba sa labi ko ang mapait na ngiti.

"Can I have something that can do both?" I asked with a bitter smile.

Suddenly, the bartender took his shaker and started pouring different kinds of drinks on it. He's probably already making my cocktail. Which made me finally sit at the bar stool directly in front of him.

"Is it always like this here?" I asked the bartender while looking at the crowd in front of us.

A lot of things are happening. Someone's dancing inside a small circle. On my right side near the comfort room is a guy surely hitting a woman. Someone's crying while dancing with a glass of cocktail on her right hand. It's like a complete circus.

"The night's still young, Dio, wala pa 'yan sa wildness ng mga tao every end of the year," the bartender said, answering my question earlier. "Here, inumin para makabuo ka nang maayos na desisyon." he said and laughed after handling me the drink.

"Thanks, dude." I said and immediately took a shot, pero mabilis din akong naubo nang malunok ko ang unang inom. "Whoa! That was a strong one."

"Not used to it?" the bartender playfully asked.

I just gave him a small smile because he already got a new customer. Once I had already paid for my drink, I walked slowly to the far corner of the place, trying to avoid the loud crowd.

But I failed to hide from the sight of no one.

"Someone's trying to be a wallflower," a woman in a satin black dress approached me. "Wanna take a puff?" she asked handling me an e-cigarette.

I slowly shook my head, "Nah, thanks. I don't smoke, eh."

She smiled, matapos ay sumandal din sa pader katulad ng ginagawa ko. "You look like you're drowning from your thoughts, so I came here to save you."

Masyadong malakas iyong music kaya naman halos pasigaw niyang bitawan ang mga salitang 'yon.

"Oh, was it that obvious?" I asked, halos kinakain na ng hiya.

I saw her smile again while nodding. "Don't worry, you're not the only one with a broken heart here."

Her statement made me look at the crowd in front of us. The music is still blasting and making everyone dance, well, except from me and the woman on my right, and also to some of the people sitting on their couches who's probably already blacked out.

The lights are dancing like the crowd. Hindi ko na rin namalayan na halos masanay na rin ako sa ingay at gulo ng lugar.

But then the song and lights suddenly brought me back to the reason why I came to this place. It also made me take a sip from my cocktail, which burned my chest. This drink is as heavy as my chest. I gulped and took a deep breath before looking back at the woman on my right.

She pointed to the woman crying while dancing. "Look at her. She's my friend, she got dumped yesterday. Siya lang heartbroken sa amin, pero lahat kami damay sa gastos."

Natawa naman ako sa sinabi niya. Kasunod n'on ang pagturo pa niya ibang taong sumasayaw.

"That guy, palagi na 'yan dito." She pointed to the guy who's still hitting someone. "I heard he lost her fiancé last year from a car accident, and to cope from it, ayan nauwi sa gan'yan."

Nagulat naman ako sa sinabi niya. That was a heavy one.

"At sigurado ako, 'yang mga sumasayaw na 'yan, hindi naman totoong masasaya 'yang mga 'yan, eh." She said while looking at the people in front of us. "Kaya nandito ang mga 'yan para sandaling makalimot sa mapapait na nangyayari sa buhay nila." dagdag pa niya matapos ay bumaling sa akin.

Natigilan ako dahil sa sinabi niya. I find it ironic. In the midst of people dancing to a happy song are sad stories beneath it. At para makalimot sa mapait na pangyayari sa buhay, mapait na inumin din ang hinaharap. What a life.

Iinom sana ako mula sa baso ko nang matigilan ako dahil sa tanong muli ng babae sa gilid ko.

"How about you?" I heard her ask. "Is it a woman or just the life itself?" she asked without any context.

But I immediately got it. "A woman and the life itself." I answered after sipping my drink.

I heard her scoff. "Double kill, huh?" she said. "Kaya naman pala ayan ang binigay sa 'yo ni Karl." she added, pointing to my drink. Karl's prolly the bartender earlier.

"Yeah." I shortly said.

"So, magkukwento ka o iiwanan na kita rito?" she asked, playfully.

Ngunit natigilan muli ako sa tanong niya. Muling bumalik ang atensyon ko sa harapan namin. Kaliwa't kanan pa rin ang sayawan ng mga tao. Minsan pa silang sumisigaw kasabay ng kanta. Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang muling uminom mula sa baso ko.

I don't know if I should tell her about my business. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang ireklamo sa kaniya na nahihirapan akong patakbuhin ang café ko dahil sa kabila nito ay masaya naman ako sa mga kasama ko. I'm also happy serving people and making their coffees.

Siguro iyong idea lang na parang hindi umuusad ang business ko ang isang mabigat para sa akin ngayon. It's still the same as where I first opened it. Walang bago. Walang nag-iba. The menus are still the same. The sets of coffee are same as the other shops. The people entering my shop are the same. The money's good, yes, pero parang walang nangyayari.

Staying the same is good, but it is also scary.

"I guess iwanan na lang kita?"

Nabalik ako sa maingay na reyalidad nang muli kong marinig ang boses ng babae sa gilid ko.

"Oh," I said in shock. "I'll prolly just keep the problems on my own." I added with a small smile so it could lessen the awkwardness.

"Well, I'll respect you for that. It's your story after all." she said after hitting her e-cigarette. "But remember, I'm a stranger and I heard sometimes it's best to tell strangers your story because they won't judge you."

She winked at me, which made me smile a little more.

"You're good at this, huh." I said.

"At what?" she asked pointing her body at me.

"At small talk and talking to people you know nothing about." I explained while playing with the empty glass in my hand.

"It's part of my job, so yeah, I could say I'm pretty good at this." she said, proudly. "Thanks for the compliment, Mister Wallflower." she added and made a small bow.

Kaagad naman akong natawa dahil sa kinilos niya. Sa kabila ng maingay at masikip na paligid na nagawa pa niyang magbiro.

"Since you won't tell me the reason why you're here in the saddest place in the world," she continued. "I guess it's safe to ask to a question?"

"It depends," I immediately said. "Anything but Math." I added pointing a finger to her, pero mabilis ko rin binawi. "Or something personal."

"Too many disclaimers, you're ruining the moment." she said, matapos ay mahina akong pinalo gamit ang e-cigarette niya.

"Sorry, strict ang management," I playfully replied.

She then took a deep breath and looked directly at my eyes, which made me freeze to where I'm standing.

"Imagine there's a box in front of you, what object from the past do you want to see and get from that box?" she asked with a soft voice.

Her question somehow made the place at peace, but made my mind drown in chaos.

I couldn't think of anything. I didn't expect that question. To be honest, I expected she'd ask if I'm single or ready to mingle. Or if I could buy her a drink or whatever. I expected every flirty question but this one.

I gulped trying to think what to answer. My mind went blank. Suddenly, I couldn't hear the music. I couldn't hear anything but my heartbeat, trying to give me the answer to that question.

A ring. An engagement ring.

If there's a box in front of me and I'd be given a chance to get something from the past inside that box, I'd want to see the engagement ring which I failed to give to my ex-girlfriend.

Halos malunod ako sa nakabibinging katahimikan ng utak ko. Hindi nagtagal kaagad din naman akong binalik sa reyalidad.

The music brought me back to the main reason why I decided to enter this place and get something to drink that will make me drunk and forget all the memories I have, or perhaps remember every bit of it.

Hindi ko mawari kung gusto ko bang kalimutan kung paano kami naghiwalay ng ex-girlfriend ko. O kung gusto kong maalala kung paano kami nagsimula at nangarap para sa isa't isa.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to forget how we used to fight. Or remember every time we'll exchange I love yous.

Hindi ko mawari kung gusto ko bang kalimutan 'yung araw na nagdesisyon akong gusto ko siyang pakasalan at makasama habambuhay. O kung gusto kong maalala kung paano niya sinabing ayaw na niya at tapusin na namin lahat.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to forget the fact that it's already been a year since we broke up. O kung gusto ko bang maalala na simula next year magkikita na ulit kaming dalawa para gawin ang pangako namin sa isa't isa na matapos ang isang taon magmula nang maghiwalay kami at wala pa kaming sari-sariling relasyon, we'll still see each other once a month for a whole year just to know how we're doing or just to say hi and move on.

I don't know. Hindi ko alam. Ni hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nandito sa lugar na 'to.

"I guess my childhood teddy bear na katabi ko palagi matulog." I said, answering her question from earlier.

Nakita ko siyang nagpakawala ng maliit na buntong hininga. I'm probably boring her already. But who cares.

"Corny," she said. "But cute." she added with a smile.

Mahina naman akong natawa, expecting that reaction from her. Then a second later, nabaling ang tingin namin sa dance floor, we saw her crying-friend falling down on the floor.

"Okay, yeah, that's my cue to exit." she said at mabilis na nagpaalam sa akin. "It's nice to meet you, Mister Teddy Bear!" she added at kaagad na tumakbo palapit sa kaibigan niya.

Hindi ko na nagawang magpaalam sa kaniya dahil mabilis din siyang nawala sa dagat ng mga nagsasayawang tao habang ang iba'y nagkakagulo dahil nga sa babaeng natumba. Hindi na rin naman ako nagtagal sa sulok na 'yon at nagdesisyon na lumabas ng bar.

Sumalubong sa akin ang malamig na hangin. Kakaunti na rin 'yung mga sasakyan sa kalsada dahil malapit na rin mag-alas-dose. Kaagad na akong naglakad pabalik ng sasakyan kong tatlong kanto ang layo sa akin dahil wala naman talaga sa plano ko ang pumasok sa bar na 'yon.

Tahimik ang kalsada patungo sa kung saan ako nag-park. May ilan pa akong kasabay na halos 'di na makalakad nang maayos, siguradong galing sa inuman. Ang iba nama'y mataas pa ang energy, mukhang ngayon pa lang magsisimulang gumimik.

After few minutes, nakarating na rin ako sa sasakyan ko. I was about to get inside my car nang matigilan ako dahil sa pag-vibrate ng phone ko.

A message.

I froze to where I'm standing when I saw message and the sender.

"Happy birthday, Dio!" a message from a stranger.

But it's weird. That stranger is somehow familiar to me. I know her name, her nickname. I know where she lives. I know her favorite color. I know her pet's name. I know her childhood dream. I know her dream country destination. I know her music taste. I know how her morning voice sounds like. That stranger felt like a home. I also know her past, which I now belong to.