Songs We Listen to at the Café

Kyle

Every single person is carrying a baggage. Not literal, but it could be. Everyone is dealing with their baggage. Some have the same baggage. Some are heavy, some are not. Some are from the past and some are from yesterday. It doesn't matter how heavy or old the baggage around us, what matters is how we're handling it.

I woke up this morning with those thoughts I got from rewatching an episode from the sit-com, How I Met Your Mother. I couldn't sleep last night so I decided to bury myself in whatever I came across online, and good thing it worked. But now, those thoughts are all over my mind, but I didn't let it bother me while preparing the café for the day.

Eros was the first one to arrive today, he had already fixed the table and chairs. Which brought me to fixing the carnations at the counter. A few moments later, Venus arrived, and they finally started working. It will be a busy day for me because Ivan and I planned a meeting today for my café.

"Iced Spanish latte at the counter for Arjay, please." Venus announced. "Enjoy your coffee, sir, and don't forget to write your thoughts in our Wall of Words." she added after giving the coffee to our customer.

I gave a smile to our customer. Then my eyes traveled to the Wall of Words that Venus mentioned. It was a small idea that I came up with when I was planning the whole vibe and interior design of my café. I thought it would be nice to have a freedom wall wherein me, my baristas, and most especially our customers can write and put whatever they want on our walls.

Luckily, it went well. It started with four sticky notes: from me, Ivan, Eros, and Venus. I remember we all manifested to have good run in our café. Sadly, hindi na 'yon gaano nakikita ngayon dahil natabunan na ng iba pang mga sticky notes. The wall looks good and colorful, punong-puno ng mga salita at parirala.

I wonder if those words and phrases are some of the baggage that our customers were dealing with when they visited our shop. If yes, then, hopefully, that wall and our café helped them in some ways.

Hindi ko namalayan na kinakain na naman pala ako ng isip ko, nabalik na lang ako sa reyalidad nang makita ko ang pagpasok ni Ivan sa café. He greeted me with our usual handshake that we came up with during our college years. After that we just proceeded to the counter and greeted our baristas, then we continued our conversation at my small office at the back of the kitchen.

"Looking good, Mister Olivarez," Ivan playfully said once we both seated. "Mukhang may pinopormahan ah, si Eli na naman ba 'yan?"

"Sira!" pabirong bato ko naman sa kaniya habang inaayos ang mga papeles sa harapan ko.

"Sus, pakipot pa, aminin mo na kasi na kung hindi ka niya sinabihan na ituloy ang plano mo rito sa café ay hindi mo gagawin." he said habang inaayos din ang mga papel sa harap niya.

"Oo na nga, sir," natatawang pagsuko ko naman. "Kaya nga mag-focus ka na d'yan para maayos na natin 'to, medyo over-due na rin 'to." pag-iiba ko ng usapan matapos ay nilahad sa kaniya ang isang papel.

"Sure ka na ba sa pangalan nito, okay na rin kasi 'yung logo n'yan, nakita mo ba?" sunod-sunod na sabi niya.

"Yes, I checked it and I think they look good naman na rin." I said. "But I have concerns with our orders, aabot ba talaga 'yon sa opening natin?" dagdag ko dahilan para kalikutan niya ang tablet niya,

"I already contacted my baby loves, and she said it will be delivered a day before our opening, so don't worry." he said, referring to Dianne.

Dianne is Ivan's girlfriend. Matagal na rin silang dalawa. Dianne is also helping with our plan, with the interior design and most importantly sa mga kailangan namin sa menu.

"Thank you for that," I said to Ivan. "'Yung list ng bartenders, approved na sa akin. Eros and Venus will also be part of it, pero shifting sila since they'll still work with the café full-time." I added.

Ivan reviewed all our papers, maging iyong mga lists ng bartenders namin ay inasikaso niya. While I'm also checking our menu, reviewing it for the nth time to check if final na ba lahat. When everything's all set, we both signed the papers and took a deep breath.

"Twelve Midnight, not bad ha!" pagbasa ni Ivan sa papel na hawak niya kung saan naka-print ang logo ng bago naming business.

It was the one we've been planning since the start of the year. A plot twist, if you may, for our café. Hindi naging madali para ipagpatuloy ko ang planong iyon kahit na matagal na akong kinukulit ni Ivan na gawin ko na. Tama naman siya, nakatulong din talaga si Eli para mag-agree ako sa planong 'yon.

Mabuti na lang din hindi ako sinukan ni Ivan, kaya't nung sinabi ko sa kaniya na ituloy na namin ang naiisip kong gawing café and pub ang noo'y café ko lang ay kaagad kaming nag-meeting. Hindi rin naman kami nahirapan sa pagtuloy ng plano because we already have a scratch.

Twelve Midnight was the first plan before I thought about my café, Twelve Days Café.

Nang makita kong para walang nagbabago sa Twelve Days Café, d'on ko binalikan ang unang plano ko. I asked Ivan's advice if it's a good thing to merge two businesses into one. Sabi ko sa kaniya, I'm planning to turn my café into a pub, we'll not simultaneously. Sa umaga, café, then sa gabi naman it'll be a chill place to drink some cocktails and whatnot.

Ivan liked the idea, pero sabi niya nakapapagod daw since it'll be a full-time and whole-day job. Which lead to making him an official manager of my café and now, pub. We came up with the idea that the café would still open at its usual hour, then the pub would open after dinner time and will close at 12 midnight, hence its name.

It was a good plan, maayos at pulido rin ang mga naging paghahanda namin. I also thought it would be good for my business. Yes, I'm somehow broke again dahil sa mga nilabas kong pera for my new business, but that's how it goes. One thing na natutuhan ko sa business world: you'll first go broke before you reach the gold. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Sa pag-aayos at paghahanda para sa Twelve Midnight lang umikot ang buong linggo namin sa café. We made some changes to the interior of the café because the pub will also be located at the same store. We added some lights, which will set the mood for the pub at night. We also added some chairs outside the store and most importantly, placed the logo.

It was refreshing. The fear is still there inside my chest. Natatakot ako na baka mamaya mapunta sa wala iyong pinaghirapan namin. But every time na pumapasok sa isipan ko 'yung sinabi ni Eli, gumagaan iyong pakiramdam ko.

"Do it scare, Dio." And here I am now, doing it scared, but it also feels like unpacking one of my baggage.

I'm not different from everyone. I also have own baggage, and they're kinda heavy. Hindi lang kasi iisa, halos hindi ko na nga madala lahat dahil sa sobrang dami. Now, I have two major baggage at my side.

One of them is my baggage from my past lover. It was a huge one. Painful. A baggage that I didn't expect to have.

Then on my other hand is a baggage for my business, which now I officially unpacked. Kasabay nang pag-unpack ko ng dinadala kong bigat sa business ko ay ang pagbubukas din ng bagong pinto sa buhay ko.

That Friday we officially opened the Twelve Midnight pub. It's so overwhelming. The pub opened at 8 in the evening. We invited some close friends and influencers for our opening night. Of course, I also invited her, but unfortunately, due to a busy schedule, she couldn't make it.

I took a deep breath as I stepped outside my pub. That's when I received a message from her that she couldn't make it. I didn't bother to ask why. Siguro sapat na 'yung makatanggap ako ng paghindi, at minsan ay hindi na rin dapat pa magtanong ng bakit.

But deep inside, I wanted to ask why. I wanted to know the real reason. Maybe that's how life really goes. Baka talagang gan'on na lang. Walang paliwanag. Gan'on na lang talaga.

I took a deep breath again before taking a sip from the glass of cocktail in my left hand. Kaninang umaga'y sa kape ko nilulunod ang sarili ko, ngayon nama'y sa alak. Gan'on nga siguro talaga. Bahala na.

"Excuse me," napitlag ako dahil sa narinig na boses.

"Oh, hello, yes?" I asked to a young man at my left.

"Open ba kayo for walk-in?" the young man asked, looking at the pub.

"Ay, unfortunately, no, we're in a private event, eh," I said.

A bitter smile carved into his face. "Gan'on ba, sige, thank you." he said underneath his breath.

Bakas sa mukha niya ang pagkadismaya dahilan para balutin ako ng guilt. Kaya't bago pa siya tuluyang makalayo ay tinawag ko na siya pabalik.

"Bro," pagtawag ko sa kaniya. "You know what, come here," I said. "Pasok ka, you'll be the first official customer of Twelve Midnight." I added, with a smile.

"Don't tell me you're the owner?" he asked nang muli kaming magharap.

I smiled again, "The one and only," I said, natatawa. "Wait, may I see your ID?" I asked.

He then showed me his identification card, which shocked me. He's really young, but he's already in a legal age.

"You're only 19 and you're out here looking for a place to drink, wow!" I said, shockingly. "Well, we're not breaking any law, so, let's go, come on in." I added dahilan para pareho kaming matawa.

Nang makabalik ako sa loob ng Twelve Midnight ay bumungad sa aking muli ang nangingibabaw na blue and yellow light ng lugar. We invited a couple of people, pero hindi naman sobrang crowded.

This is actually the good amount of people na gusto kong mayroon lang palagi sa loob, halos lahat ay naka-upo, kung mayroon mang nakatayo ay 'yung mga naglilibot-libot lang din to mingle around with other guests.

I want my customers to have a place where they can chill and have some cocktails. That's why I'm branding Twelve Midnight as a pub than a bar.

"Dio, bro!" I heard Ivan coming from the right corner of the pub. "Saan ka galing?" he asked ngunit kaagad din bumaling ang tingin sa kasama ko. "Whos' this? A friend of yours?" he added.

Nabaling din naman ang tingin ko kasama ko. "This is Kyle," pagpapakilala ko nang maalala ang pangalan niya mula sa ID na binigay niya kanina. "Our first official customer."

"Whoa, that's nice! Well, enjoy, Kyle!" Ivan added matapos ay nagpaalam na siyang babalik sa table nila nina Dianne.

Tumuloy naman na ako sa counter, kasunod n'on ang pag-upo ni Kyle sa bar stool na kaharap ko lang din naman.

"So, what are you having?" I asked him. "Inumin para makalimot o inumin para makaalala?"

Nakita ko ang gulat sa mukha ni Kyle. "Ano bang best seller niyo?" he asked at d'on ko lang nakita na may dala pala siyang envelope na nilapag niya sa bar.

"Well, that's a hard question because we just literally opened an hour ago." natatawang sambit ko.

Kaaagad namang kumurba ang hiya sa mata niya. "Ay, sorry," he said. "Sige, 'yung katulad na lang ng sa 'yo."

"Eros, one Two Ante Meridiem, please," I asked Eros, who's working tonight because he wanted to witness the opening of the pub, same with Venus.

"What's that?" Kyle asked, probably referring to what I said.

"Ah, that's our code name to our menu, your order is the classic mojito," I explained. "Look." I said matapos ay inabot sa kaniya ang list ng menu namin.

"Oh, I see, that's witty ha, it suits the name of your bar." he commented after handling me back the menu.

"Actually this is a pub, not a bar or club." I said after sipping my cocktail.

Naanggat iyong kilay niya. "What's the difference?"

"Well, for starters, a bar or club is more of a high-level place where they offer large variety of drinks, cocktails, and beers. Also, they usually have DJ and loud music, with big dance floor." I explained. "While this one," I looked at the whole place. "This is a pub, a more friendly and chill place, where you can peacefully drink you cocktail and also listen to some good music." I added with a smile, purely proud of my newly opened pub.

"Hmm, I see, that sounds cool, thanks for the info." Kyle commented then took a sip from his cocktail. "Whoa, that's strong, but a good one."

"I know, I personally helped making the mixtures of our cocktails." I said.

"So, ano ba 'to? Inumin para makalimot o inumin para makaalala?" he asked, with a smile.

"It depends on you," I uttered. "Ano bang gusto mo: makalimot o makaalala?" I asked, na akala mo'y kapatid niyang magpapayo sa kaniya.

I saw him take a deep breath, dumako pa ang tingin niya sa envelope sa harapan niya. "Inumin para magkaroon ng lakas magsabi ng totoo." he said under his breath.

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. He's too young to be that deep. Bakas sa mukha niya iyong kakaibang pakiramdam. It's as if he's also carrying a huge baggage at his back.

Then that moment made me realize something. A new thing that I can use and do at this newly opened bar. I took a look at the right corner of my pub, d'on naka-pwesto 'yung panibagong wall namin. May takip 'yung Wall of Words, ngayon ay simpleng kurtina na lang 'yon na may neon lights.

Kyle's situation and this conversation we're having made me think about a new thing that I can do with my business, which hopefully can attract more customers, and also help people with their baggage.

"Got some baggage you want to unpack?" I asked Kyle, but he looked so clueless.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

I fixed my seat and looked at him, dahilan para mas lalo kong maramdaman na para ko siyang kapatid na binibigyan ng payo at kalinga.

"I heard that every one of us has baggage behind our back or around us. Bagahe. Maaaring literal, pero madalas iyong hindi natin nakikita." I said. "Katulad ko, I used to have a heavy baggage behind my back. I was so stressed about my business, but slowly, I learned and managed to unpack them." I added, looking at the whole place, then back to Kyle.

"You mean problems and other stuff?" he asked, slowly getting my point.

I nod. "Yes," I shortly said. "So if you're comfortable, I'll listen to you while you're unpacking your baggage." I said, followed by silence.

We both looked at the whole place in front of us. I saw Ivan and Dianne slowly dancing. Some of the guests are taking with each other. The lights are slowly changing from blue and yellow. A soft and calming jazz music is also playing.

It's a chill night, yet far from the café scene this place usually has during its morning shift, but this setup and scene in a new pub is also comforting.

"It's been two months since I stopped going to school." I heard Kyle's voice, soft, but clear enough for me to hear every word.

I looked back at him. I was about to say something, but he continued talking.

"I took a leave of absence, but I didn't tell it to my grandparents back at home because I don't want them to be disappointed." he continued, now looking at me.

I gulped, clueless what to say, but I then I asked, "Why?" I said. "Why did you take a LOA?"

"I actually don't know, but I guess because it's hard to study here," Kyle said. "Wala naman talaga sa plano ko na mag-aral dito sa Maynila, pero dahil sinabihan at pinilit ako ng grandparents ko na dito mag-aral dahil magaling daw ako't malayo ang mararating, ayon tinuloy ko." he added, then took a sip from his glass again.

I just gave him a calm look, raised my brows slowly, waiting for him to continue.

"Pero ayon, first sem pa lang hindi ko na kinaya. Ang hirap makipagkaibigan sa mga kaklase ko, parang masyado silang matataas sa akin, eh wala naman akong maipagmamalaki," he said. "When one of our professors asked us kung ano gagawin natin after we graduated, lahat sila parang planado na lahat, habang ako sinabi ko lang babalik ako sa probinsya para makasama ko ulit ang grandparents ko." he continued.

At that moment I saw his eyes spark, not because he's smiling, but a tear is trying to jump out of his left eye.

"Ang hirap, kuya," he said, looking at me. I know that kuya was just a generalized term to call to someone you don't know, but I felt like something, para bang mas lalo kong naramdaman na nakababata ko siyang kapatid. "Paano kung hindi naman pala talaga ako magaling? Paaano kung masyado lang mataas ang tingin sa akin ng grandparents ko?" he added, while his tears are slowly flowing down his face.

"Here's a tissue if you need it." I said matapos ay nilapit sa kaniya ang isang box ng tissue.

He immediately took a couple of tissues and wiped his tears. He took a deep breath and sipped his cocktail, dahilan para mapainom na rin ako. Matapos n'on ay naglakas loob na akong magsalita.

"Is it okay if I ask something?" I asked.

He slowly nods as an answer.

"Where are you staying now?" I asked.

"Sa dorm ko pa rin po, pero after this semester baka paalisin na ako d'on since it's only exclusive for students na enrolled sa kalapit na university." he answered.

Marahan akong tumango. "What about your allowance, anong ginagawa mo?"

"Iniipon ko, pero right now I'm looking for a job, para mabawasan 'yung guilt dahil sa ginawa ko." he said matapos ay bumaling ang tingin sa dala iyang envelope.

"So that explains it," I said, referring to the envelope. "I thought you needed a drink when I saw you earlier, and it seems like totoo nga." I commented, dahilan para mapangit siya ng kaunti.

He slowly nods. "Wala na rin po kasi akong mapuntahan, ayoko pa naman umuwi dahil masyadong malungkot sa dorm." he said, with a bitter smile.

The look at his face right now brought me back to my situation a year ago when I also entered that bar. I was clueless about what to do. I was a wreck. I felt like the world was pushing me into a position where I couldn't move forward.

I wanted to be out of my comfort zone that night. I wanted to talk to anyone and vent out. I wanted to be surrounded by a lively crowd so I could forget my problems.

And perhaps that's what Kyle is feeling right now.

"If you don't mind, what do you mean when you said that you want something para magkaroon ng lakas makapagsabi ng totoo?" I asked the young man next to me.

He looked at me as he placed his glass of cocktail at the bar. "I don't know how to tell my grandparents that I took a LOA, or I don't know if I should tell them at all." he said.

"Care to listen to some advice?" I asked, calmly. "If you don't want to, okay lang din naman."

Tinapunan niya ako ng seryoso ngunit kalmado ring tingin, matapos n'on ay marahan siyang tumango biglang sagot.

"I think it's best to tell them the truth about your situation right now," I said, akala mo'y kapatid niyang nagpapayo sa kaniya. "They also deserve to know the truth, lalo na't sigurado inaalala ka nila palagi."

"What if I disappoint them?" he asked, bakas ang lungkot sa boses.

Hinarap ko naman siya. "Well, of course, they'd be sad, pero huwag mo pangunahan na madidismaya sila sa 'yo," I said. "Just tell them the truth, sabihin mo ang nararamdaman mo — na nahihirapan ka, at namimiss mo sila — sigurado naman kapag narinig nila ang totoo maiintindihan ka nila."

Natahimik siya't napako ang tingin sa envelope sa harapan niya.

"Siguro nga po," he said. "Pero ang hirap talaga, lalo na't wala pa rin akong nahahanap na trabaho." dagdag pa niya matapos ay bumalik ang tingin sa akin. "What if hanggang dito na lang ako, wala na mangyari sa buhay ko?"

Marahan naman akong natawa, not that I'm laughing at him or about his situation. But it's actually kinda similar to what I felt before, especially after I graduated.

"Alam mo, Kyle, hindi naman sa sinasabi kong matanda na ako na, pero bata ka pa," I said, sa pinakamahinahon na paraan, 'yung hindi siya mamasamain.

Naaangat ang kilay niya, seryoso muling nakinig.

"What I mean is, you're still young. How old are you again? 19." I said, smiling. "Alam kong nahihirapan ka ngayon dahil mag-isa ka rito at malayo sa pamilya mo, but believe me, hindi rito natatapos lahat, you're just getting started." I added.

"Pero 'yung mga kaklase ko parang lahat sila planado na 'yung future nila. Ako, wala pa rin, nag-aaral na nga, pero tinigil pa, paano na lang, 'di ba?" bakas sa boses niya ang panghihina.

Kalmado ko muli siyang hinarap. "Sila 'yon, Kyle, buhay nila 'yon," I said. "Cliché it may sound, but I'm telling you to not compare yourself to other people. You have your own track, focus on that." I added. "Sabi nga sa isang sikat na kanta, buhay ay hindi karera."

Mabilis na kumurba ang ngiti sa mga labi ni Kyle.

"Kaya hindi masama na magdahan-dahan, minsan maliligaw ka o kailangan mong huminto, but you can take that as a sign to think about your decisions in life again. Hindi masama huminto, Kyle, wala naman masama sa ginawa mo, kung mayroon man, iyon ay ang pagtatago ng totoo mula sa pamilya mo." I said, calmly. "And those things about your future? Kyle, believe me, you're still young and there's a lot to figure out. This is one of the challenges na kahaharapin mo, and surely, kapag nalampasan mo 'to, you'll be wiser and stronger for a new challenge."

Nakita ko ang marahang pangbuntong-hininga ni Kyle. Sandali kaming natahimik matapos ay muli akong nagsalita.

"I know I sound like a broken record, but I'd say this again: You're still young, Kyle, you're not supposed to have your whole life figured out yet." I said with a smile. "Remember that life isn't a race — for some it is — but trust me, if you believe that it isn't, life will be more peaceful. There's nothing wrong with slowing down or taking a break. Just enjoy what you have right now, and believe me, better days are coming." I added, straightly at his eyes.

Pareho kaming nangiti dahil sa mga sinabi ko. Namayani pa ang katahimikan nang sandali kaming uminom mula sa mga baso namin. A few seconds later, Kyle spoke again.

"Thank you, Kuya Dio, it feels nice to hear those words," Kyle said.

"Don't mention it, I'm just doing my job as the owner of this pub: making my customers have a peaceful stay here." I gave him a small smile. "By the way, do you have any music that you want to listen to? We'll tell Venus to play it." I added then pointed at Venus at the left corner of the pub, she's assigned for the music and attending our guests.

"Are you familiar with the song With a Smile by Eraserheads?" Kyle asked, with a smile.

I also gave him a smile. "Oh, cool choice, are you an Ehead?" I asked him.

Bago ko pa marinig ang sagot niya ay sinabihan ko na si Venus sa song request ni Kyle. Matapos n'on ay bumalik ako sa usapan namin.

"I love their songs, especially this one, I love to listen to this whenever I feel lonely." Kyle said, answering my question earlier.

"I see, and it's a really good song." I commented, followed by the song With a Smile that Kyle requested.

Sandali kaming natahimik, maging ang ibang tao sa loob ay natahimik din mukhang hindi inasahan ang pagpasok ng kanta. Napatingin sa akin ni Ivan at Dianne, parehong nangiti. Ivan gave me two thumbs up, which I replied with the same gestures.

Naglakbay ang tingin ko sa mga bisita, their body are slowly moving with the rhythm of the song. Tipid akong napangiti. Sa likod ng mga ngiti ko'y kaagad na dumaloy ang ala-ala namin ni Eli. I wish she could witness this moment. I wish I could see her smile.

Hindi nagtagal, bumalik ako sa usapan namin ni Kyle. Nangiti ko siyang tinapunan ng tingin. I gesture a friendly clap, followed by handshake.

Then I whispered, "You can't win at everything, but you can try." I moved back to my seat. "Try lang nang try, Kyle, walang masama na sumubok ng maraming bagay, basta safe and legal."

He then gave me a smile and slowly nod.

"So, what's your plan now?" I asked, while vibing to the song.

"I'm thinking of going back to the province and tell my grandparents the truth in person." he said, with a smile.

"That's a tough move, but that's the right thing to do," I said. "At makauuwi ka rin sa probinsya niyo." I added.

Nag-iba iyog ngiti niya. "I can't call it uwi, to be honest." he said, dahilan para maangat ang kilay ko.

"What do you mean?"

"As a probinsyano, I have this feeling that once you leave your hometown for college or for whatever reason, the day you leave is your last day at home because even though how much you visit for weekends, special occasions, or holidays, it will never be the same again." he said. "You'll just feel like a visitor because surely, after few days, you'll leave your hometown again to continue your new life in the city."

"That's deep... and sounds sad." I said under my breath.

"Yeah, and I guess it's one of my baggage." Kyle said with a bitter smile.

Muli kaming natahimik nang pumasok ang second chorus ng kantang lumulunod sa aming lahat sa loob ng pub. May mangilan-ngilan pang sumasabay sa kanta, dahilan para pabulong din akong sumabay. Nabaling lang muli ang tingin ko kay Kyle nang magsalita siya.

"Sarado na ba 'yung Twelve Days Café?" tanong niya.

Kaagad naman akong natawa. I explained to him the new setup of my business. Namangha naman siya. I even told him na sayang, our staff are completely full kaya hindi ko siya mabibigyan ng trabaho.

"Okay lang, Kuya Dio, your kind words are good enough already." he said, with a smile.

"Alam mo mukhang matalino ka nga, Kyle, don't worry, you'll be in good track, basta maniwala ka lang sa sarili mo." I said.

"Thank you po," he replied. "And I'm sure magiging mas successful pa ang business niyo."

Napangiti naman ako dahil sa sinabi niya. "Sana nga, pero malayo pa 'to."

"Malayo pa, pero malayo na." nakangiting sambit ni Kyle.

"See, may alam ka ng mga gan'yan, don't worry, madaragdagan pa 'yan, you'll be more wise." I commented matapos ay inalok siya ng cheers bago pa tuluyang matapos ang kanta.

"Saan po pala ako magbabayad?" Kyle asked as we both finished our drinks.

"No need, welcome drink mo na 'yon, and good luck drink for a brighter future." I said, with a smile.

Muling namayani ang katahimikan sa kinauupuan namin ni Kyle. Nabaling naman ang tingin ko kay Eros at humingi ng tag-isang glass of water.

"I have a question, you don't have to answer if you don't want to," I said breaking the silence again.

Kyle gave me a look, waiting for my question.

"If there is one big box in front of you and you'll get the chance to get an object from your past, what do you want to see from the box?"

"Hmm..." Kyle said. "Siguro 'yung medal ko when I graduated in elementary." he answered.

I gave him a why look.

"Sobrang saya ko nung graduation namin, it was a bitter-sweet year kasi that year I lost my parents, but my grandparents were there for me to made me feel na hindi ako nag-iisa," he replied. "Suot ko 'yung medal mula graduation hanggang sa habang kumakain kami sa isang fast food chain, ang laki ng ngiti ko n'on lalo na kapag naririnig kong proud na proud sila sa akin," he added. "Since then I told myself na gagalingan ko palagi para sa kanila."

"That's heartwarming," I commented. "And you're doing good, I'm sure they're proud and will always be proud of you no matter what."

Nangiti naman si Kyle. Matapos n'on ay inabutan ko siya ng isang sticky note. I asked him to write whatever he want so we can put it on our Wall of Words, which I'm planning to have one for our pub too.

I saw Kyle wrote: I'm scared that I'm running out of time. I'm scared about my future. I miss my hometown. But I promise to win, with a smile.

Hindi nagtagal, nagpaalam na rin si Kyle. Baka raw mahirapan siya makauwi at abutin ng curfew sa dorm nila. I even asked if he's not drunk, maayos naman daw ang lagay niya. I gave him a bottle of water to help him sober up more.

Napagdesisyunan kong makahalubilo rin muna sa iba pang mga bisita namin. I asked them if they were having fun. I also extended my gratitude sa pagpunta nila sa opening night namin. Some of them handed me a drink na hindi ko nagawang tanggihan. Nung medyo nakarami na ako ng inom nagpaalam ako na lalabas lang sandali.

A cold air welcomed me as I stepped outside the pub. I saw some people entering other stores and bars near my place. I gave a smile to some familiar people. I looked up at the dark sky, nabalik lang ang tingin ko sa reyalidad nang marinig na tumunog ang cellphone ko.

It's her.

I took a deep breath before answering her call. Good thing I had a few shots earlier, may lakas ng loob akong kausapin siya.

"Hello," I heard from the other line.

"Hello, what made you call?" I asked calmly, trying not to sound tipsy.

A pause.

"Ah, I just finished on my paperwork, and I just wanted to say congratulations again for new business." she said in a calm tone.

I immediately smiled. "Thank you." I replied. "Sayang, w-wala ka rito."

It must be the alcohol.

"I know," she softly said. "I'm sorry about that again." she added.

I took a deep breath. Walang nagsalita sa aming dalawa. Nabasag lang ang katahimikan nang marinig ko siyang magtanong.

"Baka naka-iistorbo na ako d'yan?"

Mabilis naman akong sumagot. "Ah, no, hindi naman, nasa labas lang din ako kasi kaliwa't kanan na ang binibigay nilang shot."

I heard a chuckle. "Well, you did that to yourself."

"May nakapagsabi kasi na ituloy ko raw 'yung plano ko, so ito tinuloy ko, kaso wala rito." I replied at marahan ding natawa.

A beat.

"How was it so far? I hope you're having fun."

"It's actually a good night, exactly what I expected. Maganda rin 'yung lugar, Dianne's really good with designing, inspired siguro kay Ivan." pagkukwento ko. "I met a customer earlier."

"Oh, a woman?"

Natigilan ako bago pa muling sumagot. "No, a young man, para ko ng kapatid." mabilis kong sagot.

"Kumusta naman, sana nagustuhan niya, he can promote it to his friends, dagdag customers."

Nangiti naman ako. "We just talked about his life, it was actually refreshing. I saw myself to him when I'm also at his age."

It's true. Talking to Kyle brought me back to my teenage years. I was also clueless at that time. I almost took a gap year too, but she was there to support me. She was my cheerleader. She used to comfort me and give me advice. She was my shoulder to lean on whenever I felt like I had no one.

It was so calming whenever we share our problems with each other. We would always say na kaya namin 'yon, malalampasan namin 'yon together. And of course, it was so fulfilling and heartwarming every time na makikita naming nagiging okay ang lahat. It was surreal. We would celebrate and spend all day together.

She used to be my one call away. The person I go to whenever I have stories to tell and ideas to share. We used to listen to each other's rant and deal with it together. We used to be at each other's home until we became each other's visitors.

"Dio, I'm proud of you, always remember that. And I'm happy you're doing well."

I was brought back to reality when I heard her voice.

If only you knew. If only you knew how heavy my baggage is right now. If only you knew that I am not doing well, I may look like it, but I am not. If only you know that it's still you that I want to run to whenever I feel down.

It's still you that I want to unpack my baggage with while you're also unpacking yours.

But I can't do anything now anymore but wish that you'd be here. It's funny how my go to person is now nowhere to be found. It gave me nothing but pain when I realized that the person who used to help me carry my baggage is now just watching from afar, who knows nothing about me anymore.

And it pains me to realize that one of the saddest things about breaking up is doing something in your life and the person who used to witness your success isn't there anymore to cheer and hug you. They'd just message or call you to say that they're proud of you. They'd just watch you from their phone and react to your social media posts.

Or you'll meet them once a month and you'll tell each other about your life, when back then you used to witness each other's achievements together.

I feel like a sailor who lost his map through the north. I feel like a boat sailing through an ocean. Back then, she was helping me to row my boat, to move it, to keep the boat floating and moving in the ocean, but now, she's just looking at me somewhere in the shore. Clapping her hands while I'm passing through some big waves.