Songs We Listen to at the Café

Day Three

It's that time of the month that Eli and I will meet again. Which is the reason why I wasn't able to go to work even just to open it. It'll be a long day for me and Eli because I decided to take her to the place where I wanted us to go to last month.

While getting dress and fixing my things, I'm also busy talking to Eros and Venus about the café. Good thing, Ivan's free to manage at the pub, so I won't have to think about it anymore.

"I'll let you know if we'll be there by afternoon." I said to Eros and Venus over the phone while I'm putting my shoes. But I know for sure, Eli would decline if I asked her to come over.

"Got it, Sir Dio. Ingat po kayo!" Venus replied at hindi na rin nagtagal ang usapan namin.

I then checked myself at my full body mirror. When I saw that I'm already all set to go, I messaged Eli that I'll be on my way to pick her up. I decided na sunduin na lang siya at sabay na kaming pumunta sa venue dahil ako naman 'yung nag-ayaya sa kaniya because that's how it should go.

Mabilis akong lumabas ng unit ko at kaagad na tumungo sa parking to get to my car. Hindi na rin ako nag-aksaya ng oras at kaagad na tumulak. I put some music to set the mood at para na rin magkaroon ng magandang energy bago ko siya harapin.

I couldn't help but smile when heard the song of the city pop band that I'm currently into. I already took that as a good sign that this day would be a good one.

Malapad ang ngiti sa aking mga labi kahit na medyo siksikan na ang daan sa kalsada. I missed driving to her place na kahit recently ay napapadalas ko ulit ginagawa dahil sa buwanang pagkikita namin, hindi ko pa rin maalis sa dibdib ko ang pangungulila sa mga ganitong pagkakaton. I'm still holding onto those memories that we shared, lalo na 'yung mga bagay na madalas naming ginagawa.

My smile widens when I saw Eli waiting outside their house. She's holding Chandy, whose tail is playfully waving at me. Nang makaharap ko silang dalawa para bang binalik ako sa mga araw na kaming dalawa pa ulit ni Eleonora, well, now – Eli.

We used to be like this. I'll be in my usual attire, tito looks as the call it now. While Eli's also at her rich tita looking outfit holding Chandy. Tapos nakangiti kong sasalubungin si Chandy, just like what I did now.

"Hello, Chandy girl!" I playfully smiled at her, but deep inside I couldn't help but feel bad.

I wonder kung namimiss din ba niya ako. Hinahanap-hanap niya rin kaya ako? Hindi kaya siya nagtataka na hindi pumupunta sa bahay nila 'yung lalaking palaging nagbibigay sa kaniya ng kung ano-anong treats at laruan. I wonder if those barks are for me and telling me that she also misses me.

I hope she does, I may feel bad that she might be sad for it, but I hope Chandy also misses me the way I misses her because Eli and I used to treat her as our own baby. Well, she is or was. She was my baby.

"Let's just wait for her sitter ha, sorry, natraffic daw kasi." baling sa akin ni Eli dahilan para maglaho 'yung kung ano-anong iniisip ko kay Chandy.

Delikado na dahil pati sa alaga ni Eli ay nangungulila ako.

"Sure, no worries," I said, while still holding Chandy. "Wala ba si Tita Lola?" I asked.

"Umuwi ng province, may kailangan ayusin sa pinapagawa niyang terrace sa lumang bahay namin." she replied dahilan para marahan akong tumango. "She mentioned na nag-message ka rin daw sa kaniya dahil sa nangyari last month." pag-iiba niya ng usapan.

"Yeah, I did, sorry, it wasn't my intention to be nosy, sobrang nag-aalala lang talaga ako." sambit ko habang hinehele si Chandy.

"No, okay lang, maging si Tita Lola hindi rin mapakali, but just like what I've said, okay naman na ako." paliwanag niyang muli.

Natuon ang atensyon ko sa kaniya. "Are you sure? We can postpone naman if tingin mo mas kailangan mo ng chill thing to do today."

Marahan siyang natawa. "I am sure, don't worry about me, hindi naman ako baldado." sambit niya. "Tsaka anong postpone, 'di ba hanggang this week na lang 'yon?" dagdag pa niya dahilan para kaagad akong tumango. "At gagawa lang naman tayo ng coffee, so don't worry, master na ako d'yan."

We both laughed because of what she said. Tinukso pa ako na mas magaling daw siya sa akin na magtimpla ng kape. This is one of the things that I missed about us, I missed playing around her and talking anything under the sun, literally under the sun. Ewan ko ba rito kay Eli bakit hindi ako ulit pinapasok sa buhay niya este bahay nila.

Hindi naman nagtagal dumating na rin 'yung sitter ni Chandy dahilan para magpaalam kaming dalawa ni Eli sa kaniya.

"Ayan, ang dami mo tuloy balahibo, color black pa suot mo." komento ni Eli nang makita ang itsura ko nang mahiwalay sa akin si Chandy.

Tipid akong napangiti. "Sanay na po." sabi ko ngunit kaagad akong natigilan nang marahang alisin ni Eli ang mga balahibong naiwan ni Chandy sa damit ko.

I couldn't move. Pakiramdam ko'y nakuryente ako at dumadaloy iyon sa buong katawan ko. I let Eli continue what she's doing because I feel like I don't have enough energy to stop her dahil sa bilis ng mga pangyayari. I didn't expect this to happen. This is the closest we've been through again after so many days and months, and year.

I felt her hand traveled to my chest. Mabilis na nag-init ang mukha ko, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa sikat ng araw na tumatama sa mukha ko o dahil sa enerhiyang dala ng kamay ni Eli. When her hands went down to my stomach, I immediately felt another electric energy traveled to my whole body. I couldn't move and all I could do is stand in front of her and look at her eyes.

"Done, you're clean again."

I felt like I woke from a good dream when I heard Eli's voice again. I didn't want to wake up yet, but when I saw her face again with a complete consciousness I felt like I saw an angel. Muli kong naramdaman iyong kuryenteng bumalot sa katawan ko kanina bago pa ako makapagsalita.

"T-Thank you." at talagang nagawa ko pang mautal.

"Tara na?" she asked dahilan para kolektahin ko ang sarili ko at kagaad na pinagbuksan siya ng pinto ng sasakyan.

Pilit kong tinuon ang sarili ko sa pagmamaneho. Malamig naman ang loob ng sasakyan dahil sa air conditioner, pero may kakaibang init pa rin anong nararamdaman. Mabuti't naisipan ni Eli na magpatugtog dahilan para tuluyang maglaho ang kakaibang kuryenteng dumadaloy sa katawan ko.

"Kumusta ka?" nangibabaw ang tanong ni Eli habang patuloy pa rin ang musika sa loob ng sasakyan.

Patago akong humugot ng buntong hininga.

I couldn't decide if I should tell her that I'm excited about this day. I don't know if I should tell her that I had flashbacks about our memories when I held Chandy earlier. Or if I should tell her that every night I'm still waiting for her to message me like what she usually do back then before we both hit the bed.

But I decided to keep the conversation light. "Okay naman, medyo excited for today." nakangiting sagot ko sa tanong niya. "Ikaw ba?"

"That sounds good, mukhang 'di ka talaga nagsasawa magtimpla ng kape." narinig kong sagot niya. "I'm good naman, medyo pagod sa work, so this will be a good break to restart."

Mabilis nabaling ang tingin ko sa kaniya. "Pagod ka?" kaagad din naman nabalik ang tingin ko sa daan. "Baka may iba kang gusto gawin, mas chill and 'yung makakukuha ka ng pahinga?" I asked, but deep inside I'm hoping that she won't back out.

"No, no, I'm good, don't worry." she said. "Tsaka last week na ng event, 'di ba?" pag-uulit niya sa sinabi niya kanina lang din.

Tipid naman akong napangiti. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung dapat ba akong masiyahan d'on. Ayos lang ba talaga sa kaniya na tumuloy kami o tutuloy na lang kami dahil last week na ng Coffee Expo Manila. I don't know.

But looking at her and the way I knew her, she'd say no naman sa plano kung ayaw niya talaga. So, maybe... maybe if she's still the Eleonora or Eli that I know, she's really willing to continue our plan today.

Nagpatuloy kami sa byahe namin papunta sa venue. Bago pa maubos ang mga mapag-uusapan namin narating na rin kaagad kami sa Mandaluyong City. We went straightly to the venue, nasa loob 'yon ng mall kaya 'di na kami nahirapan hanapin.

Coffee Expo Manila is a yearly event for coffee lovers, but also it is open for non-coffee lovers. Maraming pakulo sa Coffee Expo, you get to try different coffee from different regions of the country. May mga booth din sila para sa mga coffee business – small and big businesses.

"Wow, the smell is so calming." Eli commented habang naglalakad kami sa gitna ng mga coffee kiosks.

"Mabuti hindi super crowded, 'no?" komento ko naman.

"Right," tipid niya akong tinapunan ng tingin. "Bakit pala hindi ka nagtayo ng booth this year?" she asked.

May mangilan-ngilan pang nag-aabot sa amin ng free sample ng coffee nila bago ako tuluyang makasagot sa tanong ni Eli.

"Naging busy kasi kami ni Ivan para sa Twelve Midnight pub, kaya hindi na naman naasikaso ang registration dito." I answered.

If I remember correctly, two consecutive years na umattend ang Twelve Days Café sa Coffee Expo Manila, it was during our early years in the business. We wanted to establish the business and also meet some colleagues kaya naging active kami sa pag-attend ng ganitong event.

Nahinto lang 'yung pag-attend namin when Eli and I broke up. I wasn't in my best state during those days kaya nagpahinga muna ako to attend an event like this. Nakatulong naman 'yon dahil hindi naubos ang energy ko to act as if I'm okay, when in fact I am not, especially sa harap ng mga taong minsan naging saksi sa relasyon namin ni Eli.

"Make sense, minsan talaga you have to sacrifice something just to be successful on other thing." she said.

Patagong nakunot ang noo ko dahil sa sinabi niya. I don't know if it was only about me not attending this year's Coffee Expo or if she was referring to other things. Nevertheless, I just brushed it off.

"Gusto mo bang dumeretso na tayo sa coffee making or gusto mong maglibot muna to try their coffees?" tanong ko para maiba ang usapan.

"Coffee making muna, if that's okay." she said, with a smile.

"Oo naman, no worries." I said. "Let's go." dagdag ko at kaagad na tinuro sa kaniya ang daan.

Along our way to the coffee making booth, may ilan akong nakita't nakasalubong na mga familiar faces. Some of them were café owners too and some were our valid customers. We just exchanged casual His and Hellos, pero hindi nawala ang mga komento nila tungkol sa amin ni Eli.

We just smiled at them para hindi na humaba ang usapan.

Nang makarating kami sa coffee making booth kaagad kong inayos 'yung session namin. It'll be a do-it-yourself coffee making. During their first week, may nagtuturo talaga, but since it's their last week now, nag-end na 'yung gan'ong session.

"Mabuti na lang may kasama akong professional barista." Eli said nang makapwesto kami sa table namin.

"Huy, maliit na bagay." pabirong sambit ko kasunod ang pag-abot sa kaniya ng apron niya.

"Thank you." she said matapos ay kaagad na inayos ang sarili niya. "Uh, can you help me with this one?" she asked as she turned her back at me, nagpapatulong sa pagtali ng apron niya.

"Sure." tipid na sagot ko at kaagad siyang dinaluhan, napitlag pa ako nang magtama ang mga kamay namin.

I slowly tie the back of her apron. Madali lang naman 'yung pinapatulong niya, pero halos lumuwa ang puso ko dahil sa kabang nararamdaman. I could smell her. She's wearing her signature smell. Nangingibabaw ang mabagong amoy niya mula sa aroma ng mga kape. I don't know if I should be happy to smell a good scent or be sad because her smell brings back a lot of memories.

"Y-You're all set," I said under my breath.

"Thank you again." nakangiting sabi niya nang muling humarap sa akin. "Do you need help with yours?" she added.

I wanted to grab that opportunity para muli kaming maglapit, but I know I can handle myself, and I don't want to take advantage of her. So I just said that I'm all good.

"Do I look good?" Eli asked.

Napako ang tingin ko sa kaniya. "Always." nakangiting sambit ko ngunit hindi ko namalayan na may kakaibang tono iyong sagot ko sa kaniya.

"You, too." she said dahilan para mas lalong lumabot ang puso ko. "Shall we start?" pag-iiba niya ng usapan.

I took a deep breath, and thank, God iniba niya ang usapan dahil mukhang mauuna pa akong madurog kaysa mga beans sa harapan namin.

There's a table in front of us. D'on nakalagay lahat ng ingredients for the coffee that we'd be making. Mayroon din equipment for us to use. It's all perfect and alam mong magiging maganda ang experience namin while doing it.

"Saan po tayo magsisimula, Mister Barista?" she asked, which made me smile.

I always love it when she's calling me with different nicknames depending on the situation. It feels nice as if we have something that only the two of us know. Also, it adds to the memory that we're sharing.

"Well, first, we need to know what type of coffee we'd make." I said. "Ano ba gusto mong gawin?"

"Hmm, I always wanted to know how to make Spanish Latte or Vietnamese Latte."

"We'll you're in luck kasi medyo pareho lang naman ang process ng paggawa sa dalawa, medyo matapang lang ang Vietnamese Latte." I explained. "I suggest we make that one."

"Okay, sure, that sounds nice. Where should we begin?" she smilingly asked.

"First, we need to grind some coffee beans." I told Eli, and I immediately took a bag of coffee beans. "Their beans are good, huh."

"How'd you know?" she asked while standing next to me.

I showed her the beans. "It's the same beans that we're using in Twelve Days Café, galing talaga sa Vietnam, so this will be a strong one." I explained. "Do you want to grind them yourself?" I asked Eli while handling her the bag of beans.

"Guide me, okay?" she asked.

I did what she asked, and she doesn't have to asked about it to be honest because I'd be willing to guide her always.

"We need around six tablespoons of ground coffee because we're making two drinks," I explained to her while pouring some beans in the grinder. "Okay, that's good enough. You can now close the lid and press the button to grind it." I told her, which she obediently did.

"So we're just gonna watch it grind?" Eli asked.

Tipid akong natawa. "No," I said. "While waiting for that, you need to clean your working place. One thing about coffee making, dapat palaging malinis ang station mo. Well, sa lahat naman 'yon." I told her while cleaning our table.

"Ah, yes, right, I remember palagi mo akong pinagsasabihan to clean my working place." she chuckled.

Pareho naman kaming natawa rin dahil sa sinabi niya. Nagdudurog kami ng kape, pero bumabalik naman ng buo 'yung mga ala-ala naming dalawa.

"Now, what?" I heard Eli asked when we finally cleaned our table.

"We need to get the other ingredients." I said while looking at our working place.

"What do we need, Mister Barista?" she asked, which made me smile.

"We need condensed milk, check if they have something from Vietnam, too." I told Eli while she's looking at the left corner for the table where the ingredients are placed.

"They have; what else?" she said, referring to the condensed milk.

I slowly nod. "Do want your coffee iced or hot ba?" I asked.

"I want iced coffee now." she said nang muli kaming magharap dala 'yung late ng gatas.

"Okay, same, so we just need to get iced back there." I pointed at the back of the booth where iced are located. "I'll get some ice later, for now let's just boil water for the ground coffee."

Eli immediately took the water heater and put water on it. At that point we're just waiting for the coffee beans to be perfectly finished and for the water to be hot, close to it's boiling point, which is good for a Vietnamese coffee, so it'll be strong enough.

"I'll get some ice na. I'm sure tapos na 'yang mga 'yan when I get back, just watch them, okay." I told Eli at kaagad na naglakad papunta sa ice station.

Hindi na rin naman ako nagtagal sa pagkuha ng yelo. Nang makabalik ako sa table namin ni Eli tapos na 'yung mga hinihintay namin. Naging dahilan 'yon para magpatuloy na kami.

"Okay, now, we'll pour 3 tablespoons of condensed milk to each cup. But if you want it to be a little bit sweeter, you can put some more." I said to Eli while I'm standing at her right side.

Eli did what I told her. Mas pinili niyang siya na lang mismo ang gagawa ng mga kape namin to get the whole experience. I let her to do it because I know how she loves making coffee.

"Now, we'll brew the coffee." I told Eli.

I also wanted Eli to experience the whole coffee making, which is the reason why I wanted us to brew the coffee manually. I placed all the equipment in front of her and guided her through the process.

"Now, slowly pour the water. Dahan-dahan, okay, mainit 'yan baka mapaso ka." I asked her habang nakaalalay sa ginagawa niya. "Slowly, you can press the filter, para mas maabsorb ng water 'yung coffee, so it'll be more flavorful." I told Eli.

"Dahan-dahan lang?" Eli asked.

"Yes, dahan-dahan lang. Slowly. Hindi natin kailangan magmadali." I said in a calm tone.

Tipid kaming napatingin sa isa't isa kasunod ang maliit na ngiti. Nagpatuloy rin naman si Eli sa ginagawa niya.

"Now, we're just gonna watch the coffee drip directly to the condensed milk. It'll take minutes to finish, but it'll be worth it." I said at marahang napaatras para tingnan ang paligid namin. "While waiting, let's clean."

Kaagad naming nilinis ang table namin. Hinayaan lang namin mag-brew 'yung coffee. Nang muli naming naayos ang lamesa, pinanood lang namin 'yung dahan-dahang pagtulo ng kape.

"Dahan-dahan nga lang talaga, 'no." Eli commented.

"Yes, slowly, but surely. It'll make the flavor of the coffee evenly balanced and perfect." I said at marahan siyang tinapunan ng tingin. "Did you enjoy making it?" I asked.

"Hindi pa tayo tapos, but yes, it's fun. Lalo na't sobrang bango talaga ng kape." nakangiting sagot ni Eli.

"May tanong ako." I said under my breath.

"Sure, anything but Math." Eli said dahilan para pareho kaming matawa.

I looked directly at her. "What's something you wish we could experience together for the first time again?" I asked.

I saw her eyes widen when I asked the question. I kind of expected that dahil mukhang 'di naman niya inaasahan na itatanong ko iyon sa ganitong sitwasyon.

"That's a big one," she said, referring to my question. "I guess this one. I'd want to experience making coffee again with you."

"Hindi pa nga tayo tapos eh." I said at nabaling ang tingin sa ngayo'y tapos na mag-brew na kape namin. "Speaking of, it's done now. We can now stir it, then we'll add ice." I said.

Pinagpatuloy lang ni Eli 'yung paggawa ng kape habang nakaalalay ako sa kaniya at sinasabi ang mga dapat gawin. A couple of steps later, tuluyan namin natapos ang coffee namin. Bago pa tuluyang daluhan ang mga kape, muli naming nilinis 'yung lamesa namin.

"Now, taste it." I said to Eli nang muli naming maharap ang mga kape namin.

We both sip our coffee, it feels like we're in a coffee commercial. Nakangiti kong tinapunan ng ngiti si Eli nang muli kaming magharap.

"How was it?" I asked.

"Well, it's strong, you're right with that." she said under a small laugh. "But it's good! Tama ka rin na balanse lang ang lasa. I guess this will keep me up for the rest of the day." she added matapos ay muling uminom mula sa kape niya.

"And you're good at this, huh." I commented. "Mukhang may papalit na sa akin kapag tinamad akong mag-work sa café." dagdag ko pa matapos ay natawa.

"Count your days, Mister Barista." Eli playfully said dahilan para mas lalo pa akong natawa.

"Going back to my question..." I said, pag-iiba ng usapan.

We're still standing at our station, tapos na 'yung session namin for the do-it-yourself coffee, pero hindi pa tapos 'yung usapan namin ni Eli kaya hindi ko pa siya inaayang umalis.

"Oh, about something that we could do together again, hmmm..." she said, then natigilan. "Remember when we visited our province for the first time?" she asked dahilan para maangat ang kilay ko.

"Yes, of course!" kaagad akong napangiti.

"I guess it would be nice to experience that again. I remember painting near the lake habang wala kang ibang ginagawa kung hindi kuhanan ako ng pictures and videos." nakangiting pagpapatuloy ni Eli.

Funny how while she's telling those things we did at her province, they're flashing in my mind like a scene from the movie.

We visited their province during one of our semestral breaks. It was a spontaneous trip, Eli said she needed to go home to visit her Tita Lila, and the nosy kid that I am during our first few years, I asked if I could tag along with her. Luckily, pumayag siya.

We spent a whole day around their place, isang araw inaya niya akong bumisita sa lake near their house. That was the first time that I saw a lake. Mas naging special pa 'yon when Eli painted the sunset that day.

"Para kang bata nung makita mo 'yung lake sa lugar namin." nakangiting sambit ni Eli.

"That was my first time na makakita ng lake in person." natatawang depensa ko naman. "Nasaan na pala 'yung painting mo that day?" I asked.

"If I remember it correctly, naiwan 'yon sa lumang bahay namin. I don't know if it's still there though." she said. "Eh 'yung mga videos and pictures natin? Did you delete them already?" she asked under a calm tone.

Mabilis akong napailing. "No, I still have them." I said, with a smile. "Why would I delete them?" I asked.

"I don't know," she said under an awkward smile. "You know, mahigit isang taon na rin ang nakalipas when we ended, who knows kung ano na ginawa mo sa mga 'yon." she said.

"I'm not cruel enough to throw those memories na parang wala lang," I said. "I'll keep them and will always treasure them." nakangiting sabi ko.

"Classic you," she commented. "Eh, ikaw, what's your answer to your question?" she asked.

Natigilan ako sa tanong niya. I refreshed my mind to think of an answer.

"If there's one thing I wish for us to experience again I guess it's when we visited the Caleruega Chapel in Nasugbu." nakangiting sagot ko sa kaniya. "I could still see your smile and your beautiful reaction when we visited that chapel." I said. "I remember you said it feels like you're in a movie."

"It did!" mabilis na sabi niya. "That was a great day, to be fair." nakangiting sabi niya. "It really reminded me of my favorite movie kahit na wala naman silang connection sa isa't isa." she added.

"Letters to Juliet." I said, referring to her favorite movie.

"You still remember."

"Of course," nakangiting sabi ko.

She said that movie has a red flag, but it's still nice to watch because of the other layer of the story. And the title of the movie is close enough to her full name.

Eleonora Juliet

That's her full first name. A lovely name, like her.

Nabalik ako sa reyalidad nang lapitan kami ng isang staff to ask if we're already done with our session. Dahil medyo napatagal na ang pagtambay namin sa station namin kaagad na kaming nagpaalam. Mabuti na 'yon dahil baka mamaya katulad ng coffee beans, madurog lang din ang puso ko sa pagtanaw ng mga ala-ala namin ni Eli.

"How's your work so far?" I asked Eli.

Naglalakad-lakad na kami sa loob ng venue ng Coffee Expo, nagtitingin-tingin sa mga booths and kiosks ng bawat coffee business. We're still holding our coffee, tipid na mapapainom habang patuloy ang paglalakad.

"It's good, I'm enjoying it. Nakapapagod, but I'm doing what I really want right now, so worth it naman."

"That's good to hear." I commented. "Got any friends already?" tanong ko, pero sa likod no'y may iba akong gustong itanong at malaman.

Tipid siyang napangiti. "Yeah, I have some good people around me naman, I already have my work friends." sagot niya sa tanong ko.

"I'm sure may pumoporma na rin sa 'yo." I said without thinking about it.

Damn this mind and tongue. Especially, this fragile heart.

I heard a chuckle from Eli. She didn't say yes to my question, but that chuckle sounds like a yes. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig.

"I actually went on a date."

Mabilis nanuyo ang lalamunan ko nang marinig ko ang sinabi niyang 'yon. Kung hindi lang patuloy ang paglalakad namin malamang nabaon na ako sa kinatatayuan ko. I slowly followed her, but I feel like the whole situation is eating me alive, in the most cruel way.

I couldn't think of anything to say. I feel like the day I fear the most is already here. I never thought of this. Siguro ay dahil na rin sa hanggang ngayon ay ayaw ko pa rin harapan ang katotohanan na maaaring makilala ulit siya ng iba.

I know to myself that I'm still holding to our relationship. Yes, we're done now. I know that. I know wala na akong karapatan sa kaniya. A year and three months have already passed since that day we broke up. Ilang luha na rin ang nabuhos ko. Ilang araw na rin ang hinarap ko sa pag-iisip kung ano ang susunod na mangyayari.

I'd be lying to myself If I say that I'm fine with what I hear. But I have no choice but to be good with it. I know I didn't handle our breakup well. Even the moving on process is bad because I'm still here. Nasa denial stage pa lang din siguro ako. But hearing those things feels like big slap. A big wake up call.

Ang alam ko'y sa kape ako dapat magigising, pero mas ginising ako ng sinabi niyang nakipag-date siya.

"It was just a friendly date though, the guy just asked me for a late lunch, hindi ako nakahindi dahil mukhang friendly naman talaga siya."

Muli akong parang nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig nang maring ko ang karagdagang sinabi ni Eli.

I wanted to punch myself. I wanted to grind myself into the coffee grinder. I wanted to boil myself so I could have a new layer of skin na walang halo ng kahihiyang nararamdaman.

I'm so ashamed to myself. Paano kung hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at nagawa kong magwala sa gitna ng event. I'm so dumb to think of those things, na akala mo'y may karapatan pa rin ako sa kung anong ginagawa niya sa buhay niya.

I hate this. I hate that I'm feeling these things. I hate that I don't know what to do.

Perhaps I should remind myself again na wala naman na akong karapatan sa kung anong nangyayari sa buhay niya ngayon. I'll just let myself drown into pain and sadness dahil gan'on naman siguro talaga when you're going through a heartbreak.

"Oh, wait, is it okay if sinabi ko 'yon sa 'yo?" I heard Eli asked. "I'm sorry."

Marahan akong tumango, wala na rin naman akong magagawa dahil nalaman ko na.

"How was it?" I asked, trying to control the pain inside me.

She said it's just a friendly date, but still, it breaks me to know that the person I used to share my table with is now sharing it with other people.

"Meh," she playfully said. "I'm not interested and I'm still not into that, I just wanna focus with my job right now." she added.

I don't know if she said those things to make me feel good dahil siguradong bakas na ngayon sa mukha ko ang kalungkutan. Or maybe she just really meant it.

"I see." ayon na lang ang nasabi ko.

A silence passed between us. A moment later, Eli asked what we should do next.

"Do you want to visit the café?" I asked referring to my café.

"Oh yeah, that, hmm siguro next time na lang. I think I'm not in the best look to meet them again eh." she said, which I respected naman. "Let's walk around Greenfield District na lang?" she added.

I agreed to her suggestion dahil malapit lang naman 'yon sa mall kung nasaan kami. We left the Coffee Expo and left the mall too. Patuloy kaming naglakad hanggang sa makarating sa Greenfield.

"Time really flies, 'no, holiday season na ulit." I heard Eli said while looking at the Christmas decorations around the place.

Tanghaling tapat na, pero hindi naman nagsusumigaw ang init. Perhaps it's the Christmas breeze that's wrapping the whole place kaya kahit papaano ay maaliwalas naman ang paligid.

"Yeah, then mamaya bagong taon na ulit." I said.

"Birthday mo muna, Dio." Eli said dahilan para mabaling ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

"Ah, right, tatanda na naman ako."

"Don't worry, hindi naman halata." nakangiting sambit niya dahilan para matawa ako.

"Sus, nambola ka pa." I said matapos ay inaya siya maupo sa isang bench.

We could see the whole place from where we're sitting. Marami ang mga kumakain sa labas ng bawat restaurant. May mangingilan-ngilan din ang naghahabulan sa malawak na damuhan. It's a good place to sit and take some fresh air.

"Ubos na." I heard Eli said, referring to her coffee.

"I still have some, gusto mo pa ba?" tanong ko.

"No, thanks, I'm good na." nakangiting sagot niya.

Namayani ang katahimikan nang sandaling 'yon. Hinayaan ko na lang din na panoorin ni Eli ang mga naglalaro sa harapan namin. Hindi nagtagal nagsalita muli siya.

"This is a good place to paint," she said.

"Why don't you?"

"Nah, maybe soon." she added. "But I'm back to sketching now, surprise."

"Wow, that's good news!" nakangiting sabi ko.

Kaaagad naman bumalik sa ala-ala ko 'yung pagbisita namin sa art exhibition last month. Kasabay n'on ang pagbalik sa akin ng mga naging usapan namin, especially about something that's next for us.

"Eli..." I called her.

"Dio?"

"Do you still remember when I asked you about what's next for us?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said under a calm tone. "You didn't answer that question." she playfully said.

Tipid akong napangiti. "I know, that's why I wanna talk about it again." I said.

"Oh, you got something in your mind?" she said, in shock.

"I guess," I said, hesitantly. "But it's more of a confession."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

I slowly took a deep breath, patago. Marahan kong tinuon ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

"Siguro kaya hindi ko masagot 'yung tanong na kung anong kasunod sa atin ay dahil hindi ko pa rin maalis ang sarili ko sa natapos at sa nangyayari ngayon," I said. "I don't know what's next for us because I'm still holding onto our past and present." I added.

I saw her eyes widen, mukhang nagulat.

"I'm scared, Eli." I said.

Namayani muli ang katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa, ang maingay na syudad lang ang tanging naririnig.

Muli akong nagsalita. "Natatakot ako na baka kapag natapos ang buwan-buwan nating pagkikita, mawala na lang lahat ng pinagsamahan natin." I continued. "I'm scared that the next for us is nothing," I said. "I know it's selfish to say this because you're probably moving on or maybe you've probably moved on, and I envy you for that," I added. "But Eli, I couldn't let go from the memories that we scared. It's hard to throw those six years. It's hard to see you every month knowing that we're done already, but I'm also happy to see you every month because I could see the person who I used to and still love."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything, Eli, I just wanna let you know those things." I said. "Nung sinabi mo kasi that you went on a date mas lalo akong natakot, but I guess wala na akong ibang p'wede pang maramdaman ngayon kung hindi ang matakot na lang."

"I'm sorry, Dio." Eli said.

"No, you have nothing to be sorry, Eli. Hindi mo naman kasalanan na patuloy pa rin akong nakahawak sa pinagsamahan namin."

"Do you think it'll help you if we stop doing this? If we stop seeing each other every month?"

Para akong tinamaan ng ligaw na bala dahil sa sinabi niya.

"No, Eli." mabilis kong sagot sa tanong niya. "I want to continue this, I want to see you every month just like what we promised each other."

"But it's causing you pain, Dio." she said.

"If pain means seeing the person you once love, then I'll face the pain just to see you every month." I said as I looked directly at her.

She gave me a small smile. "Okay."

Okay.

I don't know what to feel after that. Masyadong mabilis ang mga nangyari. But I'm happy that we'd still continue what we promised each other. I don't know if I'll regret this. I don't know what's waiting for us.

The important thing now is that we'll see each other every month. Kahit na hindi ko alam kung para sa kaniya ang pagpapatuloy ng pagkikita namin ay dahil lang sa pangako namin. I don't know if we're doing it for Eleonora and Dio from the past or we're doing it for our future. Who knows?

We went silence for a moment again. I asked Eli if I could use my phone for a while. Ayoko kasi 'yung ginagamit ko 'yung cellphone ko habang magkasama kami, pero dahil naiisipan ko siyang sulatan ng poem ay nagsabi na ako sa kaniya.

I typed on my phone while Eli's busying watching the whole place in front of us. A couple of minutes later, I gave her my phone where I typed the poem for her.

We didn't see it coming

One snap, we're done, maybe we hit the red

But we know we had better days

It's written in the history

Maybe one day, we'll see this on movie

Reminiscing the memories we had

All of them will witness

The better days we shared

Eli handed my phone back as she finished reading the poem. She gave me a smile.

"You're right, it's all written in the history." she commented. "It's a good one, I like it." she added with a smile. "We still have many days ahead of us, malayo pa ang lalakbayin."

She's right. And those things will be written in the history, too. All those things will be added to our own movie. And sooner or later, we'll watch those scenes, but who knows where we'd be at that point.

"It's your birthday next month." Eli said while looking at me.

"Yeah, next month." I replied, smiling at her.