o c t o b e r ' s a p o l o g y
—

I can never let my mind feel
The pain I had stabbed her with
And the blood I left in her mind.
The moment I left
Was the moment I was dead
And I killed a part of her too.

Sometimes I slip
And I feel everything deep inside.
But I will quickly take back the grip
And I let the pain slide.

Perhaps that is selfish
But it's all I can do
To let myself live on
With the person I am now.

Momma, I could never take back
The blood and the corpse of me I left with you.
I could never apologize for the war I created
Only because you lost it too.

I have no place
Among the apologies and the repentance
For I am the one who was wrong
And the one who ran from everything I knew.

Some days I forget why I left
And some days
My anger remains with you.

Some days my heart
Has a million stones clogging it
Because of the words you used
When I cried all night;
When we battled for what felt like hours.

But most days
Momma—
I miss you...
I miss the good days more than the bad.

And when I do
I forget why I ran
And why I was angry;
I dismiss the words you said.

All I recall is who you are
And how you tried
To do everything right.
That's all I think about now
And I am torn over the pain I feel
For making you hurt.

Momma...
You feel so fragile now;
You look so cold.
These months have aged you.
Is it because of the way
I treated you?

I can never take back the way I left you
Alone with the words I screamed.

But what I vow to do from this day
Is to return better
Than the way I left you

Those months ago.