(Originally written sometime in late February but idk exactly when because I accidentally edited the original chapter also some things have changed since then)

The image is mine but don't use it without permission also I'll only be typing the lyrics I can relate to also I won't be typing all the lyrics because some of them repeat three times and I can't type three different definitions for the same sentence!

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Pretending to know true feelings
I never know how I'm truly feeling except for the fact that the emotion is either positive or negative but otherwise I can't tell them apart like I can't tell wether I feel sad or angry or happy compared to excited etc but sometimes when the emotion is strong enough I can feel enough of the emotion then I can usually rule out other emotions until I find the right one!

Nothing but a creepy monster
I don't act the way others do and I don't really like to interact with most people irl and most people irl don't like to interact with me!

After I reached something the illusion was broken
Once I got older my illusion of living a happy and carefree life disappeared!

Maybe it's the height of stupidity or just cold thinking
I wonder why I can't even recognize my own emotions?

But it's just easier to get along with things like fish
I get along with animals better like every animal I've ever met likes me even a dog of a family member who was traumatized by previous owners in the past warmed up to me and started to sniff me whenever I'm not looking after only ten visits and it's just easier for me to get along with animals than humans!

Im sober and I'm the one who says whatever I want
Idk what the first part means but I'm gonna assume it means serious and I'm mostly serious and I rarely ever say what I want to when it comes to people like bullies but I always try to say what I mean even if I have no clue what I even mean!

Because quite simply I snap at the smallest things
I really do like I literally punched my fist on the wall over and over again in a fit of rage because I had to take a shower when i didn't want to but I only snap because of the pressure of other things building up on me!

I called the spring storm I cried I was broken
Was broken? Heh cute of anybody to think I haven't already been broken down by the despair of life!

"That's just your conceit right?"
Younger me was so prideful but I went from "conceit" to "deceit" so fast!

I know you're right I know but like—
I know everyone telling me that I'm worthless or should die are right but I can't do much about it!

I get that my exhaled smoke stings your eyes
The smoke of my rage and me bottling up my emotions until I explode!

Wishing to be loved is nothing but a sin
Younger me desires love (never romantic but like making friends and getting along with my mom) but even though she loves me I still can't feel much emotion wise as of lately!

So with that sweet scent
The sweet scent of the illusion of joy being a possibility!

Let's shake up that carbonated cider and say our goodbyes
This is so me but with juice boxes and Gatorade and virtually any reachable liquid that isn't water or something dangerous because sometimes the distraction of opening a drink that requires time to open helps me take my mind off of things!

Even though my anger is empty
When I lose myself in my emotions I get so upset that I explode with emotion (this only happens like yearly but still) but once the anger is gone I'm left with an empty feeling!

I still can't tell if it was all an act or not
The second I go back to calm I wonder if i was over exaggerating or if I can just hold it in and not do that again!

Still this story doesn't seem to ever end
The story is still going and it's going too fast for me!

To the few who are still listening
You don't gotta lie as I know fully well that nobody reads this book but if you're still there!

I want you to understand that
I'm bad at expressing my feelings but so much is happening to me like my mom is pregnant and despite her kindness I know fully well she did this out of spite for me just because I asked her not to!

The part of my personality that wished for ceasefire
The part of me that just wants to hug her or tell her my problems or even ask her for help has completely wilted like a dead flower!

That part fell off a while ago and I'm prepared for your disappointment
I'm prepared for my mother to disown me and to be shunned and to be left behind with everyone staring at me in scornful disappointment!

I called the spring storm I cried I was broken
I don't know what the spring storm part means but I HAVE cried but for the most part I don't cry actual tears of despair more than once a year unless a death or something happens because I'm so bad at showing emotion around anyone but I surely am broken after all I've witnessed throughout my life!

"That's just your conceit right?"
I almost always look at the past and wonder what could've been if something changed like "what if James lived?" or "what if Gumball and Violet lived?" or "what if the cruel police didn't arrest my mom for no reason which threw us into the foster care system for four months?" and I often wonder what could've been!

I know you're right I know but like—
I know that my mom is right when she tells me not to dwell on the past but it's hard to stop especially on some days when I wake up with those thoughts already in my head!

I get that my exhaled smoke stings your eyes
I'm sorry and I understand that my rage hurts people emotionally and me rambling on and on about my feelings that I can't describe because I don't know how so I know fully well that you won't understand anything I attempt to explain anyway!

Wishing to be loved is nothing but a sin
This is only half true because I love and am loved back my my friends and my sister and people like that along with my pets but my I know for a fact that mom will forget all about me once that baby is born!

So with that sweet scent
The sweet scent of the love I have in my life right now before it's gone again someday!

Let's shake up that carbonated cider and say our goodbyes
Even though I know my friends have to go back to their houses I miss them when they do leave and hope to see them again soon!

I called you on purpose I died
Sometimes when I miss those I care about I will think about them in my mind so even though their dead I never forget them!

My heart was ruined by all that colored dye
Like when I bottle up all my negative emotions because I'm to scared to express them in front of others and then all the emotions explode with in this metaphor being comparing the colored dye to my negative emotions!

"That's just your conceit right?"
I don't even understand my own feelings and I probably never will!

I know you're right I know but like—
I know that it feels so good to open your heart and love but loss hurts so bad that I don't wanna meet anyone new irl besides the people I already know!

I told you dummy!
I have said this so many times (especially to my mom) but I am saying that MY LIFE IS FALLING APART not just because my mom is having a baby but because I can see Tia noticeably getting older I can SEE how she won't love me once the baby is born and I can feel that my sleep deprivation is getting worse and I'm already ON SLEEP MEDS but it's not working well so I need a higher dose which will take at least a month to get an appointment with my doctor and that's why I'm lazy I don't just laze around for no reason like now that it's warm out I'll try my best to walk the dog at least once a week but the fact that I'm running on at most six hours of sleep nearly every day for like a week is making me fatigued!

I just want to breathe out my smoke
I just want relief from the gloom that follows me wherever I go!

And wake up to see you
Sometimes I dream of those that I've loved and lost and I wake up and then face the grim reality that their DEAD and sometimes I am overwhelmed by the sorrow of simply waking up out of the bliss I was once in!

Wishing to be loved is nothing but a sin
Wishing to be remembered when I die is pointless because nobody will remember me because all I'm gonna do is either be a veterinarian or work at a pet store if my back problem lets me but I'm not gonna be remembered by anyone!

So with that sweet scent
The sweet soothing feeling of knowing that one of my friends cares enough to help me with Spanish work and my other one cares enough to teach me about Undertale!

Goodbye but if you ever feel burnt out let's laugh together again.
I always try my best to help people despite the fact that i don't really know how to help I always try so if you need help I'll try and if you're my friend and you're sad I will try to make you laugh and if I'm lucky I may laugh at the joke as well!

Author's Note
I will try to help in any way I can but stay safe!