(Originally written on March 8 2024 also things have changed since then or at least some things have also all the images on these chapters are the same as they were when they were originally written so when I say an image is mine it still is)

The image is mine but you can use it if you credit me!

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I got no time
I have so much time yet so little all at once!

I got no time to live
This baby is coming and even though she says I won't be I know fully well that I'll be forgotten and thrown away without a second thought!

I got no time to live and I can't say goodbye
I want to say goodbye but if I do my mom may think I'm trying to kill myself again but in reality I know that I'm gonna be forced to leave soon!

And I'm regretting having memories
I remember how many of my possessions were destroyed when the younger sister I already have was born!

Of my friends who they used to be
Some friends I do have but certain ones like the nice desk lady at my school (not revealing her name) left for a break and she may forget her promise to see me graduate!

Beside me before they left me to die
Literally either they leave me behind once they realize I want to die or they literally die!

And I know this is
That I'm gonna be inevitably left behind one way or another someday one way of another!

And I know this is the truth
That I both wanna live and die all at once

Cause I've been staring at my death so many times
So many different ways but I feel like it's gonna be within the next ten years!

These scary monsters in the halls
Sometimes but very rarely I see things I REALLY shouldn't like hallucinations and stuff!

I wish I could just block the doors
Past me wished that they could simply fall asleep without hear a voice tell me they have a gun and are hiding in my closet (this doesn't happen anymore and that hasn't happened in two years now)

And stay in bed until the clock will chime
I currently do have sleep problems and I often don't fall asleep even with medication lately

So my flashlight's on and stay up till dawn
Younger me was scared enough to keep a flashlight by my bed but I don't do that anymore!

I got this headache and my life's on the line
I get like this out of pure fear sometimes and I get a headache when this happens!

I felt like I won but I wasn't done
Sometimes after a couple months of managing not to cause any bloodshed I feel like I can survive like this and then a week later I'm bleeding again!

The nightmare repeats itself every time
The nightmare of my pets dying!

Got to keep my calm and carry on
I need to focus that they're alive!

Stay awake until the sun will shine
Stay positive for as long as I can!

But I'm not so strong and they're not gone
Until I make another mistake!

They're still out there to take what's left of mine
The thoughts of my own death or "what if labor kills her?" or "what if the birds get hurt while Im at school or even just while I'm outside the house for five minutes?"

I HAVE THIS URGE
The urges I shouldn't be having ever let alone before eighteen!

I HAVE THIS URGE TO KILL
Sometimes when I hear how upset my sister is I get the split second thought of "if I asked for her permission and killed her would she be happier?" But I push it away because I shouldn't be thinking like that even if I do want to help!

I HAVE THIS URGE TO KILL AND SHOW THAT I'M ALIVE
Sometimes I feel like nobody at home except maybe my sister cares or will remember me and dying would make them caee and remember me but I know fully well I can't die because I'm the only reason the pet birds are alive!

I'M GETTING SICK FROM THESE APOLOGIES
Especially from my family when everyone knows fully well that she's just gonna argue with me the next day or for my mom specifically she'll probably get pregnant once the baby's born just to spite me!

FROM PEOPLE WITH PRIORITIES
She won't say it outright but my teacher cares and worries more about the unborn baby's safety than my own!

THAT THEIR LIFE MATTERS SO MUCH MORE THAN MINE
Im not asking for anyone to completely throw their lives away but it would be nice if any of the kids at school (besides my friends and the kids who don't care) would stop bullying me just because they see the way I feel as entertainment!

But I'm stuttering
I don't stutter but I'm too shy to speak about how I truly feel but even if I did explain they wouldn't understand!

I'm stuttering again
I don't stutter I just stop talking all together!

No one will listen and no one will understand
I have several kind individuals who would listen but none of them could understand even if I tried because I'm so bad at explaining things like let's use anger as an example like if someone asks me to explain anger to them I'll poorly explain it one way and then if someone else were to ask I'd explain poorly again but in a completely different way because I can't properly explain my feelings!

Because I'm crying as much as I speak
I don't cry much at all anymore I just hold on the rage until I get home or slam my head against a desk in rage if I can't contain it!

Cause no one likes me when I shriek
I don't shriek either I just get enraged!

Want to go back to when it all began
I wish I could go back to either before we tried to move to Alabama and stop that from happening or when James was sick with Covid to just go to the hospital so that he didn't die and mom would probably be having his baby instead of rob's
😭😭😭😭😭

So my flashlight's on and stay up till dawn
I can't think about that now all I have to do is not think about what this baby gets that I don't get to have!

I got this headache and my life's on the line
I get headaches when I'm stressed like at school or if my eyes get exposed to light too early so like whenever I have to wake up early instead of having time for my eyes to slowly adjust!

I felt like I won but I wasn't done
It feels like a win when I get through a school day until I realize there's more ahead!

The nightmare repeats itself every time
I keep thinking the same scary thoughts over and over again but new ones also get added every once and a while!

Got to keep my calm and carry on
But I have to keep it together for those I care about!

Stay awake until the sun will shine
I try my best to keep it all together and I do pretty well for someone juggling so many things at once while suffering from a constant lack of sleep!

But I'm not so strong and they're not gone
The dark and ever consuming thought aren't gone and they probably won't ever be!

They're still out there to take what's left of mine
The thoughts are still there but hey the internet is the best escape from those thoughts!

Author's Note
I don't mean to sound like a nerd or anything but please don't bully anyone because it can have lasting and lifelong affects on the bullied person!