Brittany glared at Levi playfully as he started teasing her more and more. There were small amounts of flirting between them every now and then, and each time Brittany found herself drawing closer to him.

They were playing a game, Mancala. Levi started placing a hand on her thigh, slowly moving it upward. Brittany's breath caught, and she started making wrong moves, her mind not entirely working. She found herself unable to look at him for very long, even when he was flirting with her. 

She glanced at him once, trying to make a point about something he did. Her mouth was moving as he pressed his lips against hers, shocking her. She didn't kiss back, her mind still in shock. This occurred a few more times during the last few games of Mancala. But those few times, she kissed back. Their lips moved in sync for a few seconds before they pulled away and continued playing.

Levi glanced at the time, and sighed. "I'll have to leave in ten minutes."

Brittany pouted. "But I don't want you to", she whined softly. Levi sent her a small smile, which she returned sadly. She got up, aiming to put the game away. The boy she knew she had fallen for followed her to the shelves, and as she put the game away, he wrapped her arms around her stomach. She glanced back at him, a bemused smile on her lips, but before she could say anything, his lips were pressed against hers. His tongue forced its way into her mouth, and she allowed her, though her eyes were squeezed tight, feeling uncomfortable. She had felt uncomfortable from the moment he had placed his hand on her upper thigh. 

She pulled away from his grasp, and dragged him off to a room that held shelves filled with books and movies. She grabbed several DvD's and started to show them off proudly to him. Levi pulled her into him as she talked, illiciting a small yelp from Brittany before she leaned into him, chattering about the DvD's, which happened to be plays that she had been part of since she was Eight. She was telling him the characters she had been in each play, but she wasn't able to finish talking about them before he gently cut in.

"You know I have to go now, right?" Brittany pouted at his words, and glanced up at him.

"I don't want you to go." Levi pulled her into one last kiss, which she eagerly returned, though the pit of discomfort still sat in her stomach. She walked him to the door, where she bid him goodbye. She knew he wanted another kiss before she left, but she denied him of that. As soon as the door shut, Brittany instantly ran to her room and grabbed her phone, instantly finding her conversation with her best friend, Kathy.

'Kathy... Levi kissed me.' Brittany laid back on her bed, and stared at the bottom of the bed above her. Her mind was racing as she thought about what had happened that day. A grin spread out across her face, and she checked her phone to see if Kathy had replied to her.

*thirty minutes later*

'... what?' Brittany smiled at her friends reply. 

'Levi Henriksen kissed me.'

'I- WhY????' Brittany scrunched her face up, and she sighed, before going to her conversation with Levi and taking a few screenshots. She then returned to her original conversation and sent a quick message before sending the screenshots.

'I was honestly wondering that too, so I asked him. I'll send you screenshots.'

Kathy didn't respond, and Brittany shrugged it off. She continued to think about Levi, and how much she cared about him.

And then the doubt set in. Brittany turned onto her side and stared at the wall. She felt her smile falling away into a frown.

Levi is Sixteen. I'm Nineteen. That could look really wrong in the eyes of the world right now. I don't even know what my parents would think. I don't want to know what they'd think.

Brittany sighed, and checked the time. Too early to go to sleep to think on it. She ran a hand through her hair.

But does he even like me the way I like him? He said that the only reason why he kissed me was because it looked like I needed a pick me up and because I was sitting close to him. He said nothing about doing it because he liked me. 

Brittany groaned and sat up. It'll do me no good to sit here and do nothing. I should just ask him. NO! Why would I do that? Because I need, no want to know. Does he feel the same way I feel about him?

*3 days later*

It was a little past 11 at night. Brittany stared at the screen, staring at the question that Levi had asked her. She had finally admitted how confused she was, but she didn't say what she was confused about. But of course he asked her what she was confused about. She finally decided that she was going to tell him, and asked him to give her second to type it all out. 

'Frick, I just realized how much I hate this. Normally I go to Kathy for advice on what to say, but she's got her own problems, and I can't rely on her all the time, so here I go, without a freaking clue about what I'm doing. ANYWAY, I just... I guess I'm just confused on whatever's going on between us. A few days ago, I was sure of what was happening. We were kind of dancing around each other, flirting, but not really anything happening. And then you kissed me, and all of sudden all my doubts sprang forth at once. I just... I don't know... Im just not sure if you have actually been flirting with me or I've just been making it up in my head. Or another part of my brain is wondering if you're just being a hormonal teenager, and aren't actually thinking things through. SO yeah, I guess the simple answer is that I'm confused about you? Sorry. I shouldn't be a burden to you. You're Sixteen, got other things to worry about than a Nineteen year old love sick puppy.'

Brittany put her phone down, and sighed softly. Now she gets to wait for him to reply. Half an hour passed, without a reply, and she was certain she had scared him off. With another soft, sad sigh, she sent another, shorter message.

'Goodnight, Levi. Sweet dreams.'

She closed her eyes, and tried to ignore that for her, when she said sweet dreams, what she really meant were the three words she didn't think she would ever be able to bring herself to say to him.

*The next morning*

Brittany woke up, and instantly checked her phone. She had several messages from Levi, and she began reading through them. A rollercoaster of emotions washed over her. She first felt realization as she read about how he was confused about her because she was sending mixed signals. Now that it had been pointed out, she could tell she had been, and she knew why, so she made a mental note to explain why that was. She felt sadness when he said that there were other girls that liked him, and had asked to be his girlfriend. A bigger wave of sadness washed over her when he admitted that he liked one of the girls that asked to be his girlfriend. Brittany bit her lip, and hesitantly started typing. First she explained why she was sending mixed signals.

'I know why I'm sending mixed signals. I really really like you. But in my head, it just seems wrong for a Nineteen year old to be dating a Sixteen year old. It would seem wrong to the outside world too, I think. That's why I've been sending mixed signals.'

She took a short breath after she sent that message, before continuing what she wanted to say. 'Anyway, I say you go for the girl who you really like that's said she wants to be your gf. She'd probably be better for you than I would be, and she probably has a lot less emotional baggage. I'm a walking mess right now, and even the simplest thing could set me off right now, I think. So I need to figure myself out before I get into anymore relationships, or anything similar.'

Brittany sent that message, and paused, before typing another quick short message. 'But if things don't work out with her, just know that I'm still here.'

They continued to talk, shifting to more lighthearted topics. Brittany was trying to forget everything that happened, but she knew that there was no going back now, especially as he continued to flirt with her. He started teasing her, and she glared at her screen, before typing playfully 'I hate you... so so much.'

He took a bit to reply, and she got worried, so she quickly added that she didn't actually hate him. But the conversation didn't continue very well from there, especially as she added 'I just say it because you're so annoying and frustrating that I feel like I should hate you, but I don't and instead I actually really really like you, and honestly, I hate that.'

He didn't respond well to that, and Brittany instantly realized that she had messed up. She wanted to fix what she had said, but she didn't know how so she went to her chat with Kathy.

'Why do I mess up almost every good thing I have?'

Kathy replied almost immediately. '?? What happened?'

Instead of replying verbally, Brittany simply sent screenshots of what she had said. Kathy instantly started giving advice, which helped Brittany figure out what to say to Levi. She sent him a really long message explaining every detail of the original message, specifically about how she's scared of what society would think. She had typed so much, she had used up almost all of the characters and couldn't add the thing she most desperately wanted to say, so she sent the long message, and typed a much shorter message, apologizing for what she had said.

At first, all he replied with was 'oki'. Brittany felt her heart clench at the simple one word answer, but waited patiently to see if he would add anything else. To which he did.

'If you really believe that, then dont talk to me its that simple'

Brittany was confused, but tears filled her eyes. He didn't want to talk anymore?

'There isnt anything else i can tell you'
'If you believe what you are doing is wrong, then stop doing that that thing.'
'Im sorry i made you life jumbled and hard'

She instantly replied, though it was hard to see through the tears. 'You didn't make it jumbled and hard. I did that on my own.'
'You made it amazing.'

'Then are you going to stop talking to me and just go with "society"'

'I don't know...'
'I know I should give you a better answer than that, but I really don't know.'

'I cant make your life, only you can. You choose the path you want to'

'I want you in my life. Even if it's just as a friend.'

'Then how are you going to stop me from doing more than just friend stuff?

'I don't know. I'll figure something out.' That was a complete and utter lie. She had no idea.

'Ok'
'Well, goodnight then.'

'Goodnight. Sweet dreams.'

Even though she was hurting, she still found it in her to say that she loved him, even if he didn't know it. She vowed to herself that she wouldn't ever let him know that that's what she meant when she said sweet dreams.

A minute later, Brittany had another new message from Levi. When she opened it, she glared at it through the tears. He was asking her if she was okay. She wanted to scream at him that NO, SHE WAS NOT OKAY. WHAT DID HE EXPECT?

But she didn't. Instead, she just sent a question back, one designed to protect her fragile heart. 

'Why do you want to know?'

'Because I feel like a douchebag'

Brittany's eyes softened, but she didn't let down her walls. 'Why do you feel like that?'

'Because I gave you cold hardness after you tried to apologize'

'It's okay. I kind of deserved it.'

'If you do that again...'
'Oh nvmd'

'Do what?'

It took him a couple minutes to reply, but he did. 'You deserve a lot more than this garbage heap that is Levi, you deserve to have a pure golden house studded with the largest diamonds in the world. You deserve a man that will take you far away to a place of luxury and bliss so then you never have to have such a bad problem again.'
'You deserve a better world'
'That's what you deserve'

Brittany instantly knew what her reply was. 'Maybe it's what I deserve, maybe it's not. But it's not what I want. I want someone who will take care of me through the ups and the downs. I want someone who will hug me while I cry, who'll decide to come over in the middle of the night to give me a hug. I want someone I can take care of just as much as they take care of me. I want someone I can call my safe house, someone I can rely upon. I don't need luxury and bliss, heck I really don't want that. Yes, it's nice, but it doesn't feel real. It's boring.'
'I don't care for a better world, just someone who makes my world better.'

Levi merely replied with 'Well, i hope you find that someone'

Brittany wanted to scream at him, tell him that she was talking about him through all of that. He'd always been there for her through her ups and downs. He would've come over in the middle of the night to give her hug, but she told him not to because she didn't want to freak out her family. She had even called him her safe house just a few days earlier. He made her world so much better. 

Instead of saying all that, she merely replied, 'Yeah. Me too.'

They bid each other a goodnight, and Brittany found herself unable to sleep. She couldn't stop thinking about how things had changed. Things would never be the same again.

A few days passed, and while there were some interesting comments from Levi, their conversations were generally very short, and didn't contain any flirting at all, or at least very little. But as each conversation passed, Brittany found herself growing more and more sad.

It all came to a head when on Sunday, at church, she found herself watching him, a sad aura taking over her. When he stood up and went to the front of the room, facing the congregation, her stomach lurched and she felt sick. His face was partially covered by a mask, but it didn't matter. She had messed up. She loved him, and she messed up. He had a girlfriend now. She was no longer part of the equation. She had removed herself from it. As she tried to focus on what was happening in church, she found herself regretting taking herself out of the equation. She had for the past few days.

She had hoped to talk to him after church, but their paths didn't cross, though it seemed like he had hoped too, as when she and her family were leaving the parking lot, she had a message from Levi asking where she was. 

The next night, she was writing in her journal about everything that was happening, when she finally made a decision. She decided that Levi was right. They did need to stop talking. But not for the reason he said. She needed to remove herself even further from the equation to protect her fragile heart. Because talking to him... it hurt. It hurt way too much. She loved him, and he was with another girl. She started writing a note explaining all this.

She chuckled softly, as she found herself recalling a song she had heard earlier in the day. She shook her head. It felt like he was toying her, with his occasional flirting when they talked. 

"I don't need your games, game over..." she sung quietly to herself. "Get me off this rollercoaster... All I know, all I know, loving you is a losing game."

She paused in her writing as her heart clenched painfully. Him distracting me when we were playing Mancala... causing me to lose. It was a sign of this happening. Things weren't ever going to work out. Loving him was always going to hurt me. And I knew that. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have pursued anything. I shouldn't have flirted back when he first started flirting with me. But this started so long ago. He was Twelve, I was about a month away from being Fifteen. 

Brittany's head collapsed against her pillow. If only we were closer in age. If I wasn't an adult, then I wouldn't feel so bad about being with him. Or if we were both adults, then I would feel better about dating him. Not that it matters. It's too late to go back. I don't want to be part of this anymore. It's time for me to pull away. I need to stop being addicted to a losing game.