TW Panic Attacks, Self Harm
If this makes you uncomfortable skip to the second set of ellipses.

• • • • •

Late November, 1980

I haven't talked to Henry or Beatrice since that heartbreaking night in my kitchen. I also haven't cried since I broke down into James's arms and sobbed until I could no longer breathe. I've haven't gone through the steps of grieving. Part of me still hasn't processed everything that happened that night, everything that I found out.

Sometimes, when I know James and Julian are fast asleep,  I lock myself in the bathroom and cast a silencing spell, so that I can scream at the world.

Screaming at my mother for the way she raised me. The way that she hit me if I didn't fit into her standards. Screaming at Beatrice, at Henry, for becoming one of them. Screaming at my father for leaving me too soon with my wretched family. Screaming at the world for taking Euphemia and Fleamont away before getting to meet their grandson, for taking them away from their sons who needed them. Who still need them. Screaming at myself for letting my siblings take a vow to be evil.

I dig my hands into my hair, tugging at my roots until the pain is enough to distract me. I grip my thighs so tightly that my nails break through my skin, letting blood spill out onto my legs.

I scream because I can't cry.

I can't feel sympathy for them. Not for the same people who are ordered to torture and kill innocent people.

I only do this when James is asleep. When I know he won't wake up to an empty bed, seeing a sliver of light underneath the bathroom door.

He doesn't need to worry about me any more than he already does. It would kill him.

Right now I sit on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, shivering in just a sweatshirt and underwear. My bare legs rest against the tile as I grip them tightly, rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm myself down.

I don't do this every night.

Only the nights where I wake up abruptly, the trace of a nightmare haunting me, a voice in my telling me that it's all my fault.

It's my fault. I wasn't there for them. I wasn't there for my father. I wasn't there to protect my sister and brother. It's my fault.

I let out a scream, my body trembling as my nails pierce through the skin on my calves.

I yelp out in pain, looking down to examine the damage that I did this time.

Blood was dripping down my legs, from four crescent shaped cuts on each of my legs.

I huff in frustration as I stand up from the bathroom floor, beginning to pace.

I need to heal myself, but I'm not in the right state of mind. I don't want to botch a spell, especially since I don't have my wand.

Sitting down on the edge of the bathtub, I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding in.

I rub the tops of my thighs as I try to focus on my unsteady breathing so that I don't spiral again.

"I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm okay, I'm safe," I mutter to myself, repeating words until I start to believe them.

I look down at my legs, seeing the blood start to dry against my pale skin.

"Episkey," I say clearly, focusing on the cuts on my legs.

I watch as the cuts start to close, the blood running down my legs going back to the cuts it came from. Within seconds there was no trace of my panic attack left on my body. No blood, no cuts, no scars.

Letting out a sigh of relief, I reversed the silencing spell that I had cast over the bathroom. I unlocked the door and shut off the lights before stepping back into our bedroom.

It felt like a breath of fresh air compared to the seemingly air-tight bathroom that I had been in for the past twenty or so minutes.

Looking at the bed, James was still curled up, fast asleep.

On James's side of the bed, I could vaguely make out Julian, who was also fast asleep in his bassinet.

I climbed back into bed beside him, moving his arm away from my pillow.

Once I settled into bed, James sleepily pulled my body closer to his, his arm wrapping around my waist. I pressed a gently kiss on the corner of his mouth before settling back into his embrace, knowing that I'd most likely get woken up within the next hour to feed Julian.

These panic attacks have only been adding to my exhaustion from having a three month old, but at least I had an excuse for why I wake a few times a week looking completely dreadful.

The steady heartbeat of James interrupted my annoying, never-ending thoughts, and I let the sound of it put me to sleep

• • • • •

December 10th, 1980

Just when I thought things couldn't possibly get worse, they did.

Last night, in the dimly lit basement of an undisclosed location, the Order gathered once again. We all assumed it was going to be just a regular meeting until Dumbledore told us about a certain prophecy.

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies...."

My heart dropped as Dumblore recited the prophecy that Sybil Trelawney.

I stole a glance over at Alice and Frank, who both stared shell-shocked at Dumbledore. Their hands were intertwined tightly together, holding onto each other for dear life.

The room went silent, all eyes drifting to Alice and Frank, with the occasional glance and James and me.

That could've been us. That could've been our son.

I felt sympathy. Sympathy towards Alice and Frank. Then I felt guilt. Guilty that Alice and Frank's son would spend the rest of his life with a bounty on his head. A bounty that would last as long as the Dark Lord stays around.

"You two will need to go into hiding by the end of the week," Dumbledore said softly. "You will pick a Secret Keeper to cast the Fidelius charm, and you will tell only them for your location."

"How long?" Alice muttered.

Dumbledore looked at her confused, "Pardon?"

"How long will be have to be hidden?"

Dumbledore paced the room, his arms tucked behind his back. "I wish I had an answer for you," He replied, "But I don't. It could be anywhere from two weeks to two years."

Alice visibly paled, and Frank slumped back further into his chair.

After the meeting wrapped up, the basement started clearing out as people left to go back home.

I was so caught up in everything that I didn't have time to speak to Dumbledore. I've been meaning to inform him about my siblings and their situation. Before I could go talk to him, he had already left to return to Hogwarts.

"I'll just be a minute," I whispered to James before removing my hand from his and walking over towards Alice and Frank.

They were both still seated, seemingly trying to process the information that they had just received.

"I-, I'm so sorry," I spoke softly.

Frank smiled sadly at me, "Don't be, none of this is your fault."

"I still feel bad," I replied, "If there's anything that I can do you either of you, anything at all, please don't hesitate to ask."

Alice and Frank exchanged a glance with each other before looking around to see if anyone was close enough to listen in to our conversation.

"Daphne, will you be our Secret Keeper?" Alice asked quietly. "It's fine if you don't want to, it's just that we both trust you completely."

"You do?" I asked.

Frank and Alice nodded.

"You don't have to tell us now," Frank quickly added, "And no pressure."

I smiled at the two of them.

If there was anything that I could do for them, I would. Even if it means being their Secret Keeper.

I felt immense guilt knowing that James and I could be in their exact place right now.

"I'll do it," I replied, "I'll be your Secret Keeper."

• • • • •

December 13th, 1980
Tinworth, Cornwall, England

I told no one that I'm Frank and Alice's secret keeper. There's always so many listening ears that you never truly know if your secret is safe.

This morning I left the house early and left a vague note for James, telling him that I went to breakfast with a friend.

I don't like lying to him, but if it helps guarantee their safety, then it's worth it.

It was chilly with the rain falling softly against the ground. I pulled my tan cashmere coat tighter against my body in an attempt to protect myself from the frigid rain.

Neville was crying in Alice's arms as we trudged through the wet sand to the house.

It was a decent sized cottage, made out of light grey stone, standing at two stories tall. The front door was painted a soft, sage green.

Frank led the way up the pathway to the house, Alice only a few steps behind him with their son.

I trailed several feet behind the couple, my cold, pale hands shoved into my cashmere lined pockets.

Frank unlocked the front door and ushered Alice inside, holding the door open for me.

I stepped into the house, relieved that the freezing rain was no longer pounding against my body as it fell. My blonde hair hung damply around my face, soft curls starting to form from the water.

A gust of warmth overcame my cold body as Frank closed the door behind me and I took another step into the living room.

The living room was cozy, not small, but cozy. Alice had already lit a fire in the fireplace with the flick of one hand all the while cradling Neville with her other.

I spotted a kitchen around the corner from the living room, natural light coming in through the small window above the sinks flooding the kitchen with light.

"It's really cute," I said softly, taking in my surroundings, "Do you need help with anything?"

Alice smiled sincerely at me, rocking Neville softly in her arms. "We've got groceries, diapers, and all the necessities. Thank you so much-, for everything."

I smiled sadly at Alice in return.

"You know I would do anything for the three of you," I replied, "You're family."

Frank smiled at me and took Neville carefully from Alice's arms.

With both arms now free, Alice hugged me tightly. I returned the embrace, wrapping my arms tightly around her thin frame.

When we pulled away from the hug, there were tears in Alice's eyes.

She wiped them away quickly, "Thank you, Daphne."

I nodded at Alice, turning towards Frank and Neville.

Neville was sleeping peacefully in the arms of his father, oblivious to the chaos that was occurring around him, and even more oblivious to what the future holds for him.

I pressed a gentle kiss against his forehead. "Don't worry, Nev," I whispered, "Aunt Daphne will see you soon, we all will."

Frank have me a side hug, kissing me on the forehead.

No words needed to be spoken, we both knew.

I turned back to Alice, plastering a smile on my face, swallowing the lump in my throat.

"You ready to cast that spell?"