Author's Note: The first part of the chapter talks about a few sensitive topics, including survivors guilt, mentions of death, and mentions of self-harm, so viewer discretion is advised.

TW: listed above in authors note.

• • • • •

The following days were a blur. I woke up hours later  in my own bed when the sun was beginning to set outside of the window. It took me a moment to remember, but when I did I began to sob again.

I cried until the bedroom door opened and Jolie walked in.

Her eyes were red and puffy as she climbed into bed next to me. We didn't say anything, we just sat together and cried.

Eventually, James came upstairs to check on me.

James's hazel eyes were red as well, but he seemed to be keeping it together better than I was.

Jolie muttered something and left the room, leaving James and me.

Everything that he said went in one ear and out the other as I stared out the window, watching the sunset fade into darkness.

James was saying something to me, but I wasn't processing it.

"Daphne-"

I blinked slowly, turning my head to look at James.

"You need to eat," James said softly.

I shook my head.

"Please," James continued, "Eat something or drink some water."

"No," I replied, my jaw clenched. "If I eat, I'll throw up."

James sighed, "If you won't eat or drink something then you should shower or go back to sleep."

I shook my head again, the tears falling down my cheeks.

"I can't-," I whispered, "Every time I close my eyes I see it again. I see the pools of blood, my hands and clothes covered in their blood. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think without thinking about what I saw."

Glancing over at James, he looked like he was going to cry. His lips were pursed and his jaw was clenched.

"I'm sorry that you were the one who found them."

I turned back towards the window and stared outside at the dark sky.

"I'm not the one you should be feeling sorry for. I'm not the one who got brutally murdered."

James sniffled, "Don't talk like that."

"Talk like what?" I muttered. "I don't deserve to be pitied, for all I know my brother and sister were the ones who killed them."

I didn't look at James, but I could tell that he was swallowing a lump in his throat.

"You don't know that."

I laughed sadly, "Well, I don't have any proof that it wasn't them do I?"

James sighed, "No."

I clenched my hands, my nails digging into the palms of my hands. It hurt just enough to take my mind off of the mental and emotional pain that was threatening to tear me to pieces.

"Exactly," I muttered, "This is all my fault."

"Daph-,"

"Don't," I said, "Don't try to make me feel better right now. I love you James, but I need to grieve in my own way."

James huffed, "Even if your way of processing grief is tearing yourself apart?"

My eyes fluttered closed as a single tear fell down my red cheeks.

"I-, I just want to be alone right now," I whispered.

James stood up abruptly, running a hand through his messy hair.

"Damn it, Daphne," James yelled, making me flinch. "I know that you're grieving, but we're all grieving. You can't block everyone out again. As selfish as it sounds, I need you. Our son needs you. Our friends need you."

I shook my head sadly, "You're right, it does sound a bit selfish."

James stared at me, his jaw clenched.

"You're just being mean now," James mumbled.

I turned around to look out the window again, still feeling James' presence behind me.

"We all grieve differently, James," I said calmly. "When you're parents died, you didn't want to be left alone, so I stayed with you all hours of the day. So maybe now it's my turn to be a bit selfish."

"If you really want to be left alone, then I'll leave you alone," James replied. "I'm worry about you."

I rolled my eyes, "Why?"

"Because I think that you'll hurt yourself."

My stomach dropped, and I snapped my head to the side to meet James's gaze.

"What makes you say that?" I asked flatly.

James frowned, "The fact that you answered with a question instead of denying it."

"Don't be silly-,"

"Don't make me feel stupid for noticing that something about you feels off."

I bit the inside of my cheek as tears pooled in my eyes again.

"Is this your way of saying that you don't love me anymore? Because the timing is pretty fucked up," I said coldly.

James's eyes widened, "Of course not! I love you, and I always will — but you've been blocking me out for the past eight months."

"I didn't want to burden you," I whispered.

James kneeled down in front of me, his eyes filled with worry.

"You will never be a burden to me."

He gently wiped the tears off of my face with his thumbs, his eyes pooling with tears too.

I reached down and wiped a single tear off of his cheek.

"Are you sure?"

James nodded, "You can't carry all this burden and grief by yourself, it will end up being your downfall. I'm your husband, we're supposed to share the burden together."

He got up slowly and stood between my legs, tilting my chin up to look at him. James placed a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"I love you, and I'm here to help carry some of the burden."

I closed my eyes tightly, letting my tears fall down my red and tear-stained face.

When I opened my eyes, James was still looking at me with worried eyes.

"I love you too," I whispered, "And I want you to stay with me right now."

James nodded as I moved over in our bed to make a spot for him.

"Can you just lay with me?" I asked quietly.

"Always," James replied as he got into bed beside me.

He gently wrapped an arm across my waist, pulling me close to him.

We laid in bed, staring out the window in silence as tears ran down our faces.

• • • • •

August 1st, 1981

It's taken awhile, but I think that I'm starting to feel better again. I still have bad days where I barely get out of bed because I'm ridden with guilt and grief. But those type of days have gotten less and less frequent as they used to be.

My best friend is getting married a month from today, James has been my side throughout everything, and our son, Julian, turned one today.

Julian started walking a few weeks ago. He tries to run after James on his short chubby legs, but ends up falling a lot. It's actually quite funny. James and I only laugh after we make sure that he's okay.

I went to see Frank and Alice a month ago.

They're doing well. Neville also is one now, too.

Unfortunately, I had to break the news to them. They took it hard, Alice especially.

But today's a good day, and it's not the kind of day to think about sad things like that.

"Say good morning to mum," James chimed as he walked into the kitchen carrying Julian.

They both had big smiles on their faces as James set Julian down and he waddled over to me.

"Ma-ma," Julian yelled.

I set my coffee mug on the counter and bent down, picking up our son.

"Good morning, darling," I said, "It's your birthday!"

He gave me a confused look as I ruffled his fine dark hair and kissed him on the forehead.

"Uncle Padfoot and Uncle Moony are coming over for breakfast," James announced.

"Pafoo and Moony!" Julian squealed.

"I'm still ticked off that he learned Moony and Padfoot before he learned Prongs," James complained with a sigh.

I laughed, "At least he said dad before he said Padfoot or Moony."

Julian giggled, "Pafoo."

"That's right, Jules, Uncle Padfoot," I replied, my voice soft. "Auntie Jo and Uncle Reg will be here too!"

Julian babbled at this, reaching for the watermelon behind me on the countertop.

James laughed softly and ran a hand through his hair, "I still can't tell if he has a British accent or a French accent."

"Neither, I think," I answered, "It just sounds like a one year old talking."

"Okay, smart ass," James teased.

I rolled my eyes, "Language, he'll start picking up on it soon."

James raised his hands up in surrender. "Hey, if anything he'll learn it from Padfoot, not me," James insisted.

"Learn what from me?"

We all turned as Sirius and Remus walked into the kitchen.

Julian squirmed in my arms at the sight of them, so I set him down and watched as he practically waddled towards them.

"Pafoo! Moony!"

Sirius picked Julian up and propped him against his hip, "That's right, your favorite uncles."

"And godfathers," Remus added as Julian hit him gently on the arm.

"Good morning, mates," James exclaimed, "It's a wonderful day for my first born to already be turning one."

I smirked, "Don't go getting all choked up."

"Oh please," Remus joked, "James teared up when Julian said dad for the first time."

"It was a very proud and emotional moment for me," James insisted.

My husband turned to me, smirking. He leaned in and whispered, "We should have another one."

I backed away laughing, "Bloody hell it's only been a year."

"Please don't mention s-e-x in the kitchen," Sirius pleaded, "Prongs, you are the worst whisperer ever."

James grabbed some orange juice from the fridge as he pretended to be hurt. "Wow, I didn't know that today was hate on James day."

"Hello!"

The kitchen door opened right in time, revealing Jolie and Regulus.

"Good morning!" I chimed as I refilled my coffee mug.

Jolie grabbed Julian from Sirius, grinning. "Happy birthday, Jules!" She turned to me and spoke, "Merlin, this year has flown by."

"Maybe next year we'll have another one," James teased.

Jolie's eyes widened as she walked up to me. She pressed her hands against my stomach, "Are you pregnant?"

I smacked her hands away, "God no, I'm just finally getting back to a somewhat normal sleep schedule."

"Hm, okay," Jolie teased.

"Why?" I furrowed my brows teasingly, "Are you pregnant?"

Jolie laughed, "God no, not yet anyways."

I glanced over at Regulus, who was bright red.

"Well-, we still have a wedding to get through," Regulus stuttered.

Sirius smirked, "I love watching you get embarrassed, Reggie."

"Fuck off," Regulus muttered.

"Language!" Jolie scolded. "We don't need Julian picking up on all of your bad language."

Regulus rolled his eyes.

"Remember when we all stayed at the hospital until four in the morning?" Sirius asked.

James nodded, "Now I'm up at four in the morning on most days."

I raised my mug, "Me too."

"Just give the kid a drop of a sleeping potion and he'll be out like a light," Sirius said with a snap of his fingers.

Remus raised an eyebrow, "I'm pretty sure children under the age of five aren't supposed to have any type of potion to make them sleep."

Sirius shrugged, "You're probably right."

"Moony's very right," James stated, "I researched it."

"When?" I asked.

James shrugged, "When he was teething and acting like a literal demon."

"I cannot believe you just called your son a demon," Regulus joked.

"No, he's right," I added, "I spent a week crying myself to sleep because of it."

Regulus smirked and turned to Jolie, "Want to rethink the whole having kids thing?"

Jolie shook her head, "Nope."

"Who the hell am I going to go drink with on weeknights now?" Sirius yelled dramatically.

Remus rolled his eyes, "I already told you that drinking on a Tuesday afternoon is going to make people think that you're an alcoholic."

Jolie coughed, "Anyways, how's breakfast coming along?"