FUCK DON'T KILL ME CAUSE IT'S A FUCKING HUGE ASS TIME JUMP CHAPTER. IT'S ALSO IN THIRD PERSON CAUSE I WANTED BOTH OF THEIR POV FOR IT. IT'S GONNA BE LONG AF AND I'M STARTING THIS ON THURSDAY SO LET'S SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO WRITE LOL (I'm dead inside)the rest of the story is still in first person, it's just this chapter that's in third... anyways, onward! (after much deliberation, i've decided this will be cut up into three parts cause fuck I hate myself so much, there's way too much going on for just one huge ass chapter)

thirty-five: the first year

November 2018: 

"Well, H... I'm not going to lie to you... What you did was pretty damn shitty." Liam says, looking at his miserable friend who was laying face down on their living room floor. It was a daily occurrence since Harry got home from the hospital earlier that week and it was just now that Harry was finally talking to him. 

"I know it was and fuck... I just... I don't know what to do. He's the love of my life and I... I threw it all away for her." Harry groans out, hitting his head against the floor a little. Liam lets out a sigh before sits down next to his friend, placing a soft hand against his shoulder. 

"If you love him so much, why'd you do it?" Liam asks, Harry flinching a little at the question because even he wasn't sure of the answer. 

"Jamie... He uh... He said some things about Niall that I... that I shouldn't have believed, that I should've asked Niall about first... but instead I went to a fucking bar, you know the one we used to go to in Uni all the time... and she was just there. I was so drunk and angry that I just... I threw common sense out the window and next thing I know, I'm waking up in her apartment... I'm not proud of it and if I could take it back... I would, but... I can't... and Niall he's... He's never going to forgive me, especially not now that he's... that I killed our babies..." And Harry's in hysterics, the mere thought of the future he could've had with Niall hitting him like a train. Liam is a little startled at first, having not seen Harry like this for quite some time and it takes him a moment to actually register what was going on. Liam does his best to comfort Harry, pulling his best friend close but Harry doesn't want to be touched. Not by Liam anyways...

He needed Niall like he needed oxygen and in that moment, Harry couldn't breathe. 

"H... just give him space. That's what you needed to get over what happened between you and Rose... so maybe that's what you need to do for him. He's not going anywhere." Liam says, earning a nod from Harry. 

But when Harry goes to talk to Niall a few days later, he wasn't there. 

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December 2018: 

"Fucking hate Christmas..." Niall grumbles, pulling all of his blankets a little tighter as he shivers. He rolls his eyes when he feels a small jolt, one of the twins deciding he wasn't paying enough attention or something along those lines. Niall looks down at his bump with a sad smile, letting go of his blanket just so he could run a hand across the bump. Tonight was a hard one for him for several reasons, but it was mainly the fact that all he could think about was Harry... How a year ago, he'd woken up to the best sight in the world and now he was by himself in the middle of nowhere, silently wondering what Harry was doing right now. It had been a very long month of not talking to him, the first two weeks being the hardest as Harry was constantly trying to contact him... 

But eventually, Harry had stopped trying... and Niall didn't blame him. 

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January 2019: 

Harry already didn't want to be here, but Rose standing a little closer to him was making it so he definitely didn't want to be here. He was trying his best though, keeping a smile on his face as he listens to his father give another one of his famous speeches that always seemed to have the crowd stand in awe. Harry didn't even have Gemma there to entertain him, his sister having decided against as her due date was starting to creep up on her. Harry was kind of glad she didn't come though, his sister's pregnancy a constant reminder of what he had... what he could've had... 

"I need some air..." Harry whispers as the clock shows that it's nearly midnight, prying himself away from Rose and quickly making his way to the elevators. He goes right up to the roof, walking to a familiar spot that he stood in a year ago. 

It was in this very building a year ago, Harry had asked Niall to be his... in that spot even... 

But here he was, completely alone. 

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February 2019: 

"I really think this is going to be the day..." Maura says for what Niall was certain was probably the millionth time since his father had been put in a coma. Niall admired his mother for holding on to that hope and because she did, Niall held onto his too... well what little of it he had left, anyways. Today wasn't easy for Niall yet again, but hardly any day was since they'd left their home and everything else behind... 

Niall was hoping Harry was celebrating his birthday with a smile on his face, silently wishing that he could've been there with him... 

But instead he was an ocean away. 

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March 2019: 

"She's beautiful, Gem..." Harry whispers, holding his baby niece for the first time despite the fact she was nearly three weeks old. Truth was, Harry had been avoiding this moment. He had been doing everything in his power to forget, throwing himself into his music but even that wasn't working. Everything reminded him of Niall, of their babies, of the guilt that Harry still held onto despite the fact it had been four months. 

He could've had this, in less than a month... he could've been sitting in a hospital room holding his babies... 

But he wouldn't. 

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April 2019:

"I can't... I can't... I can't..." Niall kept chanting, holding his mother's hand so tightly he was almost certain he'd break her hand. His mother was trying to keep him calm, pushing the hair out of his eyes as Niall goes through yet another contraction. They were waiting for his doctor so they could wheel him in for the c-section... but he was late and Niall was certain he was going to break in half. 

"Just breathe, sweetheart... It'll be over soon..." Is all Maura could say, rubbing Niall's back as he lets out another long and painful groan. 

"I need Harry, Mummy..." Niall sobs out, clenching his eyes shut. It was another twenty minutes before Niall's doctor walks in and by that point, Niall's in hysterics wishing more than anything he was back at home with Harry sitting with him on their bed, singing softly to their babies as Niall ran his fingers through his hair. 

The twins were born via c-section on April 24th. Amelia Grace was born first, coming out screaming so loudly that Niall had no doubt she was his. Thomas William came out a few minutes later, not as loudly as his sister but the sound still made Niall burst into even more tears. 

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May 2019: 

"So... You excited?" Liam asks Harry, looking across the bar as Harry sits down on the other side of it with a drink in hand. This was the most Liam had seen of Harry in weeks, the younger lad spending most, if not all, of his time in Manchester. Liam understood though... It was hard for Harry to be here. 

"Excited about what?" Harry asks, his voice void of any emotion to it as he sips idly at his drink. 

"Your tour, don't you guys take off in like two days?" 

"We do, I don't know if I'm necessarily excited about it but I'm happy we're finally doing something... I need... I need to get away." Harry says quietly, letting out a shaky sigh.

"Are you doing alright, H?" Liam asks and the chuckle Harry lets out shakes both of them to their very core. It had been a long six months for Harry and truth was he was still nowhere close to getting over everything that had happened.... but he had to keep his head held high because he refused to become like he did the last time. 

He was trying to prove to himself that he didn't need Niall, but sometimes it was harder than he liked. 

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June 2019: 

"You look like your daddy, yes you do my little Mia. Yes you dooo..." Niall coos down at his daughter, trying to help her calm down after her bath. Amelia didn't like the water and was very vocal about the fact she didn't... Thomas on the other hand quite enjoyed bath time, cooing in his newborn way that Niall found absolutely adorable. 

"You've got his dimples, his curls, oh I bet you're gonna get his pretty green eyes too... Don't cry little baby, Mummy has got you." Niall continues to coo, picking up the baby after he'd finally gotten her dressed. Amelia's ear piercing shrieks calm down into whimpers after a few seconds against Niall's chest, a fond smile on his face as she stares up at him. 

"Such a pretty little baby." Niall whispers. 

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July 2019: 

"C'mon, Styles. Why don't you let lose? It's a fucking party, so fucking party, mate." Jamie shouts, shoving yet another shot at Harry and by that point, Harry was done fighting him. It took Harry eight months to finally reach the point of where he just wanted to forget.... and the alcohol did just that. 

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August 2019: 

"Tommy, c'mon... Look at Mummy, look at Mummy." Niall tries desperately, standing just by the photographer he'd hired to take pictures of the twins. Thomas was more entranced with the rattle his sister was playing with though, trying to grab it from her only to burst into tears because she was too far away. Niall lets out a soft laugh, shaking his head a little at his son's actions, especially since Thomas had a rattle exactly like Amelia's sitting right next to him. 

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September 2019: 

"Fuck...." Is the first word out of Harry's mouth when he wakes up, the brightness of the sun shining through hotel window making him wince. He wasn't even sure how he got there, let alone who was asleep in the bed next to him. All he remembered was a club and that was enough to tell him he'd done what was becoming the norm for him... 

He didn't seem to mind though, it helped him forget... and god did Harry want to forget...

But all he could think about was the fact that it was Niall's birthday... and he wondered if he still wore that hoodie Harry had bought him last year. 

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October 2019: 

"Oh aren't you two just the cutest little things... I could just eat you up!" Maura says, looking at her grandchildren with the brightest of smiles as Niall adjusts the makeshift crowns he'd made for Halloween. He was determined to make this Halloween a good one, even if all he was doing was staying in the small home. 

"Of course they're cute... They're my little prince and princess..." Niall says, the nicknames tugging at his heart. He was trying to keep a smile on his face, despite the fact that all he could do was wonder if Harry dressed up as Robin again this year...

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November 2019: 

"Hey, H... It's just Liam checking in again... It's been a while and well... I'm worried about you is all... I know things have been rough for you lately and I understand that this is your way of coping... but I... It's been a year, H. He's not... He's not coming back and what you're doing to yourself... It isn't healthy and I.. Can you please just call me back so I know that you're okay and not passed out drunk in some gutter? Or dead for that matter? I'm fucking worried about you." 

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OKAY, THIS ONLY TOOK ME LIKE THREE HOURS TO WRITE SO THAT'S GOOD, I GUESS.

BUT AS I WAS WRITING, I DECIDED TO CUT UP THE CHAPTERS SO THEY'RE NOT SUPER FUCKING LONG AND THAT WAY I CAN UPDATE AGAIN TOMORROW CAUSE I'VE GOT MY IDEAS AND AGAIN ON SATURDAY OR HELL A DOUBLE UPDATE TOMORROW FOR ALL I KNOW. 

anyways, sorry about the big ass time jump and if you found this chapter boring...

qotc: do you guys think harry will find out that niall lied to him?

dedication goes to andi0805

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connie xx