forty-three: numb

I wasn't sure how many bottles I was into by the time Liam got back home, several of them taking up the floor and clinking when Liam accidentally kicks them. Liam stops at the sound, his gaze falling on me and his eyes widening as I raise the nearly empty bottle to my lips. I wasn't even feeling buzzed, nothing was making me numb like I needed to be. I just couldn't wrap my head around it, I didn't understand why Niall had done it. 

"Harry..." Liam starts, slowly making his way over to me and reaching for the bottle but I move it away from his reach. 

"Fuck off, Liam." I mutter, making eye contact as I take another drink. 

"Harry, you shouldn't be... You've been sober for three months, you shouldn't be drink-" Liam starts again, reaching for the bottle again which I just gave him. It was empty anyways. 

"Did you fucking know?" I ask as Liam puts the bottle on the coffee table. 

"Did I know what?" Liam asks in return, sitting down on the coffee table directly across me. I hated the expression on his face, not wanting him to feel pity for me or look at me with disappointment mixed in. 

"Did you know that... Did... Fuck... I..." I can't even get it out, feeling the rage coming up again because dammit... I hated Niall. I couldn't even think about him without getting angry. I feel like pulling out my hair, threading my fingers through it as I let out a loud groan. I hadn't felt like this for years, the dreaded heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach at just the mere thought of someone. It felt like walking in on Rose with that guy from her gym combined with my father's disappointment, the constant pressure of trying to amount to something. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was gasping for air and I just wished that I could feel numb. 

I wanted to be numb. 

"You talked to Niall." Liam says, almost like it's the most obvious thing and yet he sounded so relieved. 

"So you did know, then. You knew and you decided to just sit there and watch me practically kill myself. I thought you were my fri-" 

"Oh Jesus, H. I just found out yesterday, okay? He showed up at the bar, looking for you. I wasn't about to let him just come up and ruin all of your progress, but apparently letting him tell you himself did just that..." Liam trails off, his gaze leaving mine to look at the several empty bottles that were thrown carelessly across the room. I couldn't even bring myself to feel anything else but anger in that moment and I hated the fact that I could feel like I was going to cry. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Liam offers, noticing the way I sit so rigidly and the fact that I was fighting back tears. I used to hate how Liam could read me like an open book, but maybe it wasn't exactly the worst thing.

"I... I just... I don't get it. I know I've done bad, I know that I'm... that I'm not the best person out there, but fuck... I just... I never thought in a million years that the one person who made me feel whole would be the one to tear me apart... you know? He used to be the thing that kept me going when I went to that rehab center, just the idea that someday I could have... I could have my princess again was enough to keep me going, but now... now I don't... I've lost that motivation because when I think about him, all I want to do is scream. He broke me and he doesn't even care... He keeps... He keeps saying it's my fault, but I... He lied. He told me that my children... that they were d-" And I get choked up on that word again, tears literally springing out of my eyes because dammit... that was all I could do right now. Three years I had told myself they were gone, it took me three years to even remotely begin to accept that it was true, to get over the fact that I had lost a future I didn't even realize I wanted until it was gone. 

and here I was faced with the possibility that it was all real again. They were alive, they were Thomas and Amelia, they were my kids and they were real. 

"He didn't even... He didn't even seem sorry, you know? He kept bringing up Rose... and all I could think was the fact that he... He kept my kids away from me out of spite." I say it barely over a whisper, shaking my head before clearing my throat. Liam gives me an apologetic look, smiling softly as he reaches over to place a hand on my shoulder. 

"You're better without him, Harry." 

"Am I though? I'm not any better than he is... I did things... I cheated, I lied... If anything, aren't we the same?" I found myself asking and Liam lets out a soft laugh that seems to echo through the house. 

"In the wise words of Hannah Montana, nobody's perfect. You aren't like him, Harry." Liam says, holding back yet another laugh but I couldn't even bring it in me to smile.  

"I fucking hate you." 

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whoa, that was fucking not supposed to be funny or as shitty as it was. 

i'm tired, it's been like two weeks and i suck. 

so here we go, lol. 

i'm going to bed now. 

qotc: shit, idk. 

dedication goes to AbbiOfficial_

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connie xx