forty-seven:  hurt

"I know you're angry..." Is the first thing Niall says as soon as both the kids are out of earshot. I couldn't help the bitter laugh that escapes me, shaking my head as I watch Amelia climb up the stairs to the slide. 

"Angry doesn't even begin to cover what I am, Niall." I say quietly, folding my arms across my chest and keeping my face practically emotionless. 

"You have a right to be upset with me, what I did was wrong and I should never have done it... Not a day goes by when I don't regret it, Harry. I... I'm sorry." Niall whispers, his voice so quiet that I look at him for what feels like the first time in years. He was hardly recognizable now, nowhere close to being the same boy who wore flower crowns and always had some sort of smile on his face. He wasn't the boy I fell in love with, far from it. He was older for one, his eyes no longer like the ocean for they were darker now. He looked tired, he looked dare I say... broken? 

But that wasn't fair. Why does he get to be broken? I was the one who lost everything, he took everything from me without a second thought and he has the nerve to feel broken? 

"If you're so sorry, then why did you do it? Why did you wait three years to tell me? Why now?" I ask, turning away from the kids to fully look at him. He's got tears in his eyes, a few of them escaping and I just about reach out to wipe them away. There once was a time when I would've done just that, pulling him closer to me and telling him it would all be okay. Maybe there was a part of me that still wanted to do just that, but it was so covered by all the angry that it took everything in me to even look at him. 

"I couldn't... I couldn't tell you. I... I made a deal, with your mother. She promised me she'd give my father the best care, she promised he'd be okay... that he'd wake up... but he never did, he died and I came back because I... Because I knew you deserved to know, because my kids deserved to know their father." Niall says and I let out another bitter laugh that almost seems to echo through the park. 

"Of course you did. Why wouldn't you? It's not like you knew that she's a lying bitch, someone who's just out for herself just like my father. Of course you'd accept her offer, of course you'd leave me because that was the best option. Did you get everything you wanted, Niall? Was it worth it?" I ask, not caring as he flinches. In a way, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to make it so we were even, I wanted him to feel what I was feeling so that maybe he would understand what it was like. In another, I just wanted to understand how we got to this point. I had once been so in love with him that I would've forgiven him on the spot, I would've given him another shot... I would've done anything to be with him because that was how we worked. I had loved him... but as we stood there, I felt numb. 

He's taking his time in answering me, looking down at his shoes and risking glances at the twins who were running around the small playground. It's almost like he's unsure of his answer, unsure of what he's going to say which in turn only made me feel even angrier. If he regretted it so much, the answer would easily be no. 

"I had to get away from you, Harry. I was hurt, I was scared and I just... I had to get away from you, so I took the first oppurtunity I saw. I know that makes me the bad guy, I know that hurt you far more than you ever hurt me and shit... I know that no matter what I say or do, you're not going to ever forgive me. What I did, it was unforgivable... and that's what I regret more than anything, was hurting you the way I did." Niall says, his voice wavering and he's looking at me once more. 

"But you don't regret leaving me." 

"No, I don't... I don't regret that because by that time, there was nothing left for us to salvage." Niall says, the words hitting me harder than they should have. Maybe it was because he was right in his own way. 

"You don't know that." I still find myself saying because there was still that part of me that wanted it to be true.

"And you do? Harry, our relationship was... it was in pieces as soon as you said yes to Jamie. We just... We were young and stupid enough to believe we could make it work because we loved each other... but it wasn't going to, I think you knew that and that's why slept with Rose." Niall says, a sad smile crossing over his face. 

"I never slept with her." I whisper, avoiding his gaze now as I hear a shriek from one of the twins. 

"But you said..." 

"I never said I slept with her, Niall. You just jumped to that conclusion. She kissed me once when I was completely wasted out of my mind, but even then I knew it was wrong. I loved you too much, I wasn't about to do to you what she did to me. I never wanted you to feel like I did." I say, still refusing to look at him. 

"I... I'm sor-"

"Don't. I don't... I don't want to hear anymore apologies, Niall. I just... I want to be here, with them. I want... I want to be their father. That's all I want." I whisper, watching as Amelia goes down the slide with Thomas yet again. Maybe things with Niall and I were over, maybe we would never be together again... but in that moment, it didn't matter to me. All that mattered was the sound of two giggling toddlers. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lol. it's been a month again. 

i'm sorry. idk why i just... whenever i start to write this story, i have a hard time getting it to go the way i want it to. 

like i know that you guys want a happy ending and i do too... but as i'm writing it i just... it doesn't feel like it's going to be what i pictured or what you want and it's... it makes it hard to write the story. 

so i'll try to be better. there's not very many chapters left tbh, i don't know how many are left yet, but it's close. 

so yeah. 

dedication goes to AbbiOfficial_

comment

and

vote

connie xx