forty-four: by your side

"I didn't... I didn't actually do it, you know..." I whisper, unable to take the silence that had fallen over Liam and I in the living room. He was still looking at me with a rather disappointed expression which I was trying to act like didn't get to me. I knew I'd messed up, but there was no going back now. 

"Do what?" Liam asks, clearing his throat as he shifts in his chair. 

"I never... I never actually slept with Rose." 

"Then why did you tell me that you did?" 

"Because at the time, I thought I had... I got so drunk, you know? I could barely remember my own name, let alone why I woke up in her flat in her bed... I just put two and two together.  But it started to get clearer as more time passed. We were at some bar and she kissed me, but even then... it felt so wrong that I stopped her. I still don't know how I ended up at her place, but I know I didn't sleep with her." I continue to whisper, letting out a shaky breath before running a hand through my hair.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"What's the point? The damage was done. Niall was gone. You were the only one who really stood by me and I just figured that it just didn't matter anymore. But when he kept throwing that in my face earlier... I don't know." I trail off, letting out a bitter chuckle as I feel tears start to pool in my eyes. This wasn't how I pictured things, my life wasn't supposed to be this. I wasn't supposed to be living on Liam's couch, I shouldn't be a recovering alcoholic who just fell off the wagon again, I wasn't supposed to be this... empty. I thought I had it all figured out, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with a boy who loved flower crowns...We were supposed to live happily ever after, but clearly this wasn't some type of fairy tale. 

"Did he uh... Did he tell you why?" Liam asks, shifting in his chair yet again. It was something that he always did when he was nervous but in that moment I didn't really care what he was nervous about. 

"He told me that he couldn't stand to be around me anymore, that he had to get away. Which is just... It's a really shitty excuse. What he did... It's unforgivable, you know? He took my kids away from me, he kept them away  from me because he was mad and I just... I'm so angry, Liam." My voice is shaking again and it's taking every part of me to keep calm. I kept thinking about everything that could've been, which in turn just made it worse. 

I hadn't even seen my kids and all I could think about was how I had missed two years... two years of memories taken away from me just because I'd made Niall angry. I didn't know a thing about them, did Thomas like superheroes? Did Amelia like to dance? I didn't know what their laughs sounded like, what their favorite foods were. Did they prefer bedtime stories over lullabies? If so, what type? I didn't know what their favorite colors were or their favorite animals... I didn't know a thing about them and I couldn't help but wonder if they knew anything about me. Niall had said they knew who I was, but something inside of me told me that wasn't true. 

I was just a picture to them, just as they were to me. 

"Is he... Are you going to see them? Is he going to let you see them?" Liam asks, earning a soft sigh from me as I shrug. 

"I told him if he didn't, I'd bring a lawyer into it... I don't think he's going to keep them from me though, I think he understands that it's not just about him anymore.... I just really wish he would've figured that out three years ago." I grumble, letting out another sigh before I stand up from my spot on the couch. I needed to take a shower and at least try to get some sleep. 

"I'm sorry, H." Liam says, looking at me sadly as I just shrug again.

"You don't have anything to apologize for, it's not your fault that Niall decided to tell me that my kids were dead. You had no control over him leaving the country, keeping the fact that my kids were actually alive a secret, for three years. You didn't have anything to do with it, so you don't need to apologize." I say, trying to keep a brave face but secretly I felt like I was about to fall apart. I could feel it all just waiting to hit me, the very thin wall keeping me together getting thinner by the second. Liam must've caught onto it, standing up from his spot on the chair and walking over to me. He pulls me into a tight hug, so tight that I was almost certain I couldn't breathe. 

"I'm always gonna be here for you, H." Liam says quietly and on any other day, I probably would've felt some form of comfort... but all I could think about was those two toddlers with eyes just like mine. 

Who had no idea who I even was. 

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HI. IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS. 

I KNOW. 

I'M SORRY. 

i'm just struggling with this story, there was so much angst and i loved every second of it but like fuck... IT GOT TOO DRAMATIC AND NOW I FEEL LIKE IT'S SHIT AND I MIGHT CRY I'M SORRY.

i can't promise that i won't take two weeks again to update because i suck as a human being and yeahhhhh. 

so um, dedication goes to fallingphans__6

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connie xx